My mom, who has terminal lung cancer with Metastasis to the brain, and has been on hospice since February, cannot accept that she is dying. She can no longer walk and barely move her limbs, she has a lot of trouble breathing and is on oxygen. She is visibly declining rapidly. Yet she insists she can walk if we get her help, and that she is fine. She is fighting it every step of the way and dragging out her suffering. This is heartbreaking to me. Is this how everyone is when they approach death?
Some people deal with it, by "not dealing with it"- called avoidance or denial. And that is not always a bad thing. If she hasn't settled her financial issues and pre arranged the death / funeral proceedings, that might be a problem. However still, pre-planning a funeral is common with adults.
Its all in how to present and talk to her. If a person has a health decline that includes a cognitive problem such as memory, in the early phases , or any phase of death, it is best to simply go with the flow, if you will. Trying to alter her way of thinking by telling her that her thoughts are irrational, will simply cause more grief and resistance.
Enjoy your remaining time with your mom by meeting her "where she's at" mentally, emotionally, cognitively, physically and spiritually.
Maybe you could think about it differently and take great solace in the fact that Mom is choosing to go on her own terms, no regrets. What a gift not being so consumed by your fate and choosing to take charge of it. My thoughts go out to you at this difficult time.
Now, I take advantage of anythign I can, and if I go, I am gone. I hear heaven is a Hoot!
We do a lot of things together and she stays busy. My girls see her every day and make her smile.
If your mother is not a believer in God, there may be nothing you can say or do to convince her that dying isn't the end but a new beginning, you know? You can read her some books about near death experiences and how others have been overjoyed to realize there IS more to death than 'nothingness'. Dr. Mary C. Neal has a good book out called To Heaven And Back; beautifully written and just a lovely book in general.
Having your mom hang on and getting all this advice about 'there's nothing wrong with having hope' etc is that hanging on prolongs her SUFFERING and fear. That is not, and should not, be anyone's goal. Death is inevitable for all of us, whether we're afraid to die or whether we embrace it. The key is to help your mother embrace and accept the inevitable so she can come to terms with it rather than fight it.
When my father took his final trip to the ER for his brain tumor, they told him it had grown and there was nothing else they could do for him. He accepted that discussion and passed away 19 days later. For that, we are all grateful. That he was spared the agony of a long departure and we were spared watching him suffer. My mother, on the other hand, will fight tooth and nail every step of the way because she has no real belief system in place, which is sad. If I get a chance, I too will read her Dr Mary Neal's book when the time is right.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for acceptance and a quick and peaceful passing for your dear mom.
It your mother’s ‘fighting every step of the way’ includes drugs, perhaps you could do the same – ask the doctor in her presence how much longer she will have. The truth might help her see things differently.
If she thinks she can walk and there is someone to assist, let her try. Just make sure to have the help she would need to avoid a fall. What's it going to hurt? A lady I knew, nearly 100, finally had to go to the hospital for a variety of things that were getting her nearer to her demise. She asked her dear friend to help her walk to the car and he did. He did more helping than she did walking, but he did it. As she sat down, she said I know I won't be back to my house and that I have walked my last mile.
One denies they are dying and will not accept it.
There are those that are terrified of passing on to the other side
Finally are the ones that are at peace and look forward to passing on to the other side.
My Aunt, who was 92 and living in AL, fell out of her wheelchair and hurt her leg. She was a retired nurse. She decided enough was enough. When she got to the ER, she told them no measures, and get that damn oxygen off her face. My cousin called me and I flew from California to Texas. When I got there, she thanked me for coming to help. I still tear up at that. She lasted 5 more days. I am glad I was there because her son, who was an only child, didn't know what to do. He is the same age as my kids.
My adopted grandson's real grandma, had COPD and heart issues. After spending 2 months in ICU because they couldn't get her to breath on her own. After two months, they told her she would be on a respirator for the rest of her life. She decided enough was enough. The family was called in to say goodby. My daughter told her we would look after her family and she and doctors did whatever they did to let her go peacefully.
Just show her love and make her as comfortable as you can and pray with her and for her.
It really doesn't help anyone especially your mom to keep telling her she's dieing.
As a dieing person, your mom should be able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants.
Let her know she's safe and loved and she'll be kept as comfortable as possible while she isn't feeling well.
If she doesn't want to hear tge die talk so what.
I'm no expert but my mom was put on morphine against our wishes & she left, ready to go off into the night.. wow this is hard to type.
I personally didn't know she was ready. She put herself in a nursing home to die.
Signing off..
Goodluck
If she isn’t doing a (or thinking) anything dangerous or unsafe, she really does sound like a feisty gal who want to “do it her way”.
Maybe you can feel a little less heartbroken if you try to realize how brave she is by choosing to fight what’s happening to her. If her doctors agree with her thoughts, it’s OK for you to agree with her agenda too.