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I am the unpaid caregiver and Financial and Medical POA for my mother. I have cared for her for 8 years with zero pay. By the time each year rolls around and summer is here I am nuts and need an extended break which comes in the form of a two week vacation.

This year Mom's condition has been worse and I have been stretched to my limit and beyond. I have become ill and I am having horrendous panic and anxiety attacks that I cannot control. I see a therapist once a week and I have xanax to take but I wish I could figure out how to STOP THEM FOR GOOD!

I have become afraid to be at home with Mom. It is taking care of her that has caused me to go nuts each year and her worsening condition and medication not working has led to my panic and anxiety.

I begged my older sister to stay home today from work and not leave me alone with Mom. She went to work but called my younger sister and had her stay home from work (she has a house payment and 2 kids to take care of alone) so she could go to work at a job that she knows is over in about 2 months.

She gave me the name of a man who has an in home care agency, so I called him and he was here tonight going over everything with us. For 5 hours a day, five days a week the cost is $1,800 a month which is caring for mom and cleaning the house.

So both siblings and i had a talk and ran the figures. Older sister wants to know WHO IS PAYING FOR THIS? I said, "It is coming out of Mom's money." She throws a fit and is yelling "OH NO ITS NOT!" She goes on to state that the "problem is mine" I cannot deal with our mother's condition, therefore "I need to go see a psychiatrist and have him medicate me so I can deal with her worsening dementia and the outbursts and yelling!" AND I SHOULD BE THE ONE PAYING FOR THE IN HOME CARE, NOT MOM!!!! SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER THAT SHE OWES THE HOUSEHOLD ACCOUNT $7,200 FOR 2 YEARS OF PAYMENTS SHE NEVER MADE, SO MOM AND I HAD TO PICK THEM UP!

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE USING OUR INHERITANCE AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

She gave me ONE MONTH to get over my panic and anxiety, one month that is it!!! And every single day that the caregiver is here, I am to be out of the house doing "whatever it takes to get over the panic and anxiety! My complaint had been that I was locked inside this house all week with Mom and could never get out and it has literally driven me to panic and anxiety. See she works part time and gets off work at 2:30 but stayed gone until 5-6 or 7 pm so she did not have to be here to help or deal with the mom and the situation. I have been FREE in home care for my mother for 8 years and she has been no help until the past couple of weeks. After tonight it will probably go back to no help!

SO SAID SISTER, HAS ACCUSED ME OF SQUANDERING MOM'S MONEY, BY HIRING IN HOME CARE SO I CAN TRY TO GET MYSELF BETTER. SHE STATES THE PROBLEM IS MINE AND I SHOULD PAY FOR IT, THERE WOULD BE NO NEED FOR IT AT ALL IF OUR MOTHER DID NOT HAVE DEMENTIA AND REQUIRE SOMEONE TO CARE FOR HER, SO MOM SHOULD PAY FOR HER OWN IN HOME CARE.

NOW SHE SAYS SHE IS GETTING HER OWN ATTORNEY AND FIGHTING ME ON THIS BECAUSE I AM WASTING MOMS MONEY. I TOLD HER IT IS MOM'S MONEY, MEANT FOR HER CARE, AND THAT IS WHAT I WAS DOING. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, SHE CAN QUIT HER JOB AND STAY HOME AND CARE FOR MOM OR HIRE SOMEONE ELSE TO CARE FOR MOM....OH NO, SHE WANTS MY FREE LABOR!!!!

Am I right or wrong, can and should Mom's money be spent to get her in home care that I am not currently able to give due to my panic and anxiety attacks???

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Stressed, everything you wrote is totally correct. For some reason your sister already has it figured out that your mother's money is already hers and the other siblings. Much of the time now there is no money left over in the estate. People are living longer and costs are high. It takes all that elders have just to live. Sister needs to realize this, so she won't look around for someone to blame that no money was left.

If your sister says she is going to a lawyer, tell her to go ahead. What would her complaint be? that you want to spend your mother's money for her care? I doubt that an honest lawyer would touch the case.

I have a feeling Sister has just gotten used to having free labor and sees no reason for it to end. I hope that she rethinks what she says and realizes how silly and mean she sounded. Sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment, then think better about it later. I hope that happens to keep the family conflict down.
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Leave. Get a better psychiatrist, a job and a place to live. Let Sis find out how much 24/7 care really costs, either in dollars or in mental health. Caring for you mother SHOULD NOT and MUST NOT cost YOU your life.
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you are right that your mother's money should be spent to get her care at home that you are not able to give. As POA, you have the authority to do that. I hope you have kept good records of how your mother's money has been spent for her care. I am sorry to hear about your mean sister. Your mother is blessed to have you taking care of her, but you need a break.
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Mom's money is for HER care whether that is provided by a family member, agency, or facility. Your sister is the same selfish type as mine. Wants free care so she will benefit from inheritance when mom passes. These attitudes are solely about what the cost will be to siblings if mom is having to pay for care.
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Absolutely, mom's money should be used for her care. As a matter of fact that is ALL it should used for.As POA you are in the driver seat. Home Health, ALF, or respite care would all be appropriate.
With panic attacks, perhaps you are not in a position to enter into debate or conflict with your sister. She should know that
1. You are right legally and morally to spend the money on mothers care. Her opinion otherwise is wrong and irrelevant
2. If you are forced to defend the position legally you will rightfully hire a lawyer with mother's funds, as you are defending her money and will countersue sister for recovery.
3 Additionally, since you have to go down the route of lawyers and court fees you willl be suing for the recovery of the money she borrowed from the estate,.

Perhaps younger sister can take on dealing with older sister and isolate you a bit.

Do keep your records. If that is too stressful you may get help for that as well.
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I agree with Jessie. Let your sister go to a lawyer. Who cares? What's the lawyer going to say?

Your mom's money is to be used for her care. As the POA you and you alone can make this decision. If your sister doesn't like it then she can give up her life to care for your mom. My rule is if you don't help you don't get a say.

And I agree with you. You'd be spending your sister's inheritance and that's what she has a problem with. It's very obvious.
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Okay, I usually just check in to see how everyone is doing. It's been busy since we lost Mom during the holidays; however, this one I can't keep quiet about.

PLEASE ADVISE your sister there is no inheritance until your Mother dies. This is Mom's money to be used for her welfare. It is not to be sitting in some bank while you are suffering and Mom is not getting the care she deserves.

It might be wise to contact Mom's doc and ask for the name of a mediator. You and your sisters need to sit down with someone who can keep the meeting on track. The big picture is that the meeting is not about anyone but MOM! Mom's health, her wellbeing, future needs for care and whatever happiness you all can give her now.

Your first responsibility is to take care of your health. Get out now, get to the doctor, let the sisters deal with Mom. If you see they aren't doing basic care, then call Social Services. Get someone involved that they will listen to!

Not sure how you got appointed in in the game of "give up your life and take care of Mom" but there are no winners at the end of this game. Mom can be cared for without putting your own family, physical and mental health and happiness at risk. God bless and good luck!
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This question makes me fume because of the way your sister is acting. She isn't the oldest, she doesn't appear to know anything about it, and she is selfish as h***. Firstly, stop discussing anything with her re your Mom's money. YOU are the health & financial Power of Attorney. She has no rights even to an explanation of how the money is being spent. If you need a caregiver, get one. I use my Mom's money to pay for the caregiver. As long as it is money for her, being used, you have the right. There is also respite care you are due. Contact either Alzheimer's Association or Agency on Aging. They are great at directing you. My Mom kept accusing me of stealing money. My brother (who is a total selfish jerk called Adult Protective Services on me). It ended up blowing up in HIS face! You are in charge. If you want to spend the money to help you, you have every right. Sister is NOT IN CHARGE IN ANY WAY. I am the youngest and my brother is abusive. We even ended up in court. He hasn't seen her at all this year, and every time he calls, I can tell he's being a back stabber. To dump your anger on a woman with Alzheimer's is selfish and aggravates her. Who pays for that? Me. She has struck me 5-6 times. And I'm now starting the process to place her in Long Term Care. I have CHRONIC MIGRAINES, and I just can't do this anymore (especially due to the fact my brother has NEVER done anything. So I will have her placed without telling him and give her a couple of weeks to get calm and settle in before he can see her. She will be extremely pissed. I am here to support you anytime. Our situation is very similar.
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Of course your mother's money should be used for her own care. It is just plain stupid and selfish to claim otherwise.

Rather than a in-home caregiver, it really sounds like it might be time to look at placing mother in a care center -- probably either memory care or nursing home. It is a lot of work to locate a good fit and to arrange admission and work out how it will be paid for and probably apply for Medicaid. I hate to suggest that you take on this additional work right now, but in the long run it may be best.

Ignore your selfish sister's bullying. You have POA because your mother trusted you to act in her best interests. It is not your job to protect some hypothetical future inheritance.

Are you open to considering placement for Mom?
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You are doing the right thing by hiring help. Your sister is an idiot.
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