Should Mom's money be used to pay for in-home care because I'm not currently able to give due to my panic and anxiety?

you are right that your mother's money should be spent to get her care at home that you are not able to give. As POA, you have the authority to do that. I hope you have kept good records of how your mother's money has been spent for her care. I am sorry to hear about your mean sister. Your mother is blessed to have you taking care of her, but you need a break.

Leave. Get a better psychiatrist, a job and a place to live. Let Sis find out how much 24/7 care really costs, either in dollars or in mental health. Caring for you mother SHOULD NOT and MUST NOT cost YOU your life.

Absolutely, mom's money should be used for her care. As a matter of fact that is ALL it should used for.As POA you are in the driver seat. Home Health, ALF, or respite care would all be appropriate.
With panic attacks, perhaps you are not in a position to enter into debate or conflict with your sister. She should know that
1. You are right legally and morally to spend the money on mothers care. Her opinion otherwise is wrong and irrelevant
2. If you are forced to defend the position legally you will rightfully hire a lawyer with mother's funds, as you are defending her money and will countersue sister for recovery.
3 Additionally, since you have to go down the route of lawyers and court fees you willl be suing for the recovery of the money she borrowed from the estate,.

Perhaps younger sister can take on dealing with older sister and isolate you a bit.

Do keep your records. If that is too stressful you may get help for that as well.

This is so sad, your sister is a bully..

As POA you can and will hire help for Mom. Your sister can hire an Attorney all she wants but you are acting legally and responsibly...

Take care of yourself..

Stressed, everything you wrote is totally correct. For some reason your sister already has it figured out that your mother's money is already hers and the other siblings. Much of the time now there is no money left over in the estate. People are living longer and costs are high. It takes all that elders have just to live. Sister needs to realize this, so she won't look around for someone to blame that no money was left.

If your sister says she is going to a lawyer, tell her to go ahead. What would her complaint be? that you want to spend your mother's money for her care? I doubt that an honest lawyer would touch the case.

I have a feeling Sister has just gotten used to having free labor and sees no reason for it to end. I hope that she rethinks what she says and realizes how silly and mean she sounded. Sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment, then think better about it later. I hope that happens to keep the family conflict down.

I agree with Jessie. Let your sister go to a lawyer. Who cares? What's the lawyer going to say?

Your mom's money is to be used for her care. As the POA you and you alone can make this decision. If your sister doesn't like it then she can give up her life to care for your mom. My rule is if you don't help you don't get a say.

And I agree with you. You'd be spending your sister's inheritance and that's what she has a problem with. It's very obvious.

Okay, I usually just check in to see how everyone is doing. It's been busy since we lost Mom during the holidays; however, this one I can't keep quiet about.

PLEASE ADVISE your sister there is no inheritance until your Mother dies. This is Mom's money to be used for her welfare. It is not to be sitting in some bank while you are suffering and Mom is not getting the care she deserves.

It might be wise to contact Mom's doc and ask for the name of a mediator. You and your sisters need to sit down with someone who can keep the meeting on track. The big picture is that the meeting is not about anyone but MOM! Mom's health, her wellbeing, future needs for care and whatever happiness you all can give her now.

Your first responsibility is to take care of your health. Get out now, get to the doctor, let the sisters deal with Mom. If you see they aren't doing basic care, then call Social Services. Get someone involved that they will listen to!

Not sure how you got appointed in in the game of "give up your life and take care of Mom" but there are no winners at the end of this game. Mom can be cared for without putting your own family, physical and mental health and happiness at risk. God bless and good luck!

This question makes me fume because of the way your sister is acting. She isn't the oldest, she doesn't appear to know anything about it, and she is selfish as h***. Firstly, stop discussing anything with her re your Mom's money. YOU are the health & financial Power of Attorney. She has no rights even to an explanation of how the money is being spent. If you need a caregiver, get one. I use my Mom's money to pay for the caregiver. As long as it is money for her, being used, you have the right. There is also respite care you are due. Contact either Alzheimer's Association or Agency on Aging. They are great at directing you. My Mom kept accusing me of stealing money. My brother (who is a total selfish jerk called Adult Protective Services on me). It ended up blowing up in HIS face! You are in charge. If you want to spend the money to help you, you have every right. Sister is NOT IN CHARGE IN ANY WAY. I am the youngest and my brother is abusive. We even ended up in court. He hasn't seen her at all this year, and every time he calls, I can tell he's being a back stabber. To dump your anger on a woman with Alzheimer's is selfish and aggravates her. Who pays for that? Me. She has struck me 5-6 times. And I'm now starting the process to place her in Long Term Care. I have CHRONIC MIGRAINES, and I just can't do this anymore (especially due to the fact my brother has NEVER done anything. So I will have her placed without telling him and give her a couple of weeks to get calm and settle in before he can see her. She will be extremely pissed. I am here to support you anytime. Our situation is very similar.

BTW: if your sister goes to an attorney, she cannot use your Mom's money because she is not a Power of Attorney HOWEVER, you can. Obviously, your sister still thinks because she is the oldest, she can tell you what to do. But YOU are the one who has the power, not her! Also many agencies give you a discount if you hire them for 8 hour shifts. I have someone for 8 hours/3x a week. Was your Dad possibly a vet? There is a service you can sign up for and get up to $1?100 per month, though it's a takes up to

Of course your mother's money should be used for her own care. It is just plain stupid and selfish to claim otherwise.

Rather than a in-home caregiver, it really sounds like it might be time to look at placing mother in a care center -- probably either memory care or nursing home. It is a lot of work to locate a good fit and to arrange admission and work out how it will be paid for and probably apply for Medicaid. I hate to suggest that you take on this additional work right now, but in the long run it may be best.

Ignore your selfish sister's bullying. You have POA because your mother trusted you to act in her best interests. It is not your job to protect some hypothetical future inheritance.

Are you open to considering placement for Mom?

Mom's money is for HER care whether that is provided by a family member, agency, or facility. Your sister is the same selfish type as mine. Wants free care so she will benefit from inheritance when mom passes. These attitudes are solely about what the cost will be to siblings if mom is having to pay for care.

I so needed to hear from all of you and needed the support you are giving me on this matter. Between Mom and the dementia and my sister (who has clearly stated she has hated me from the time I was born and will hate me until I die) I have been losing my mind around here! I fought for years to get past my panic and anxiety and now it has come back full force and I am once again fighting to get past it again.

I posted a question to attorneys on Avvo asking them about this situation and they have all come back with basically the same answer, just with a few twists. They state my sister really has no leg to stand on, one attorney stated "I hate to tell your sister this but she has no inheritance, not until your mother passes away is there any inheritance. Another attorney said that as POA I have a fiduciary responsibility to my mother and I would have been in breach of my contract if I DID NOT HIRE IN HOME HELP WHILE I AM TRYING TO RECOVER. I thought I was doing the right thing but when my older sister kept throwing all this crap at me I decided I had better check to make sure.

We have an upcoming doctor appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who is supposed to be very well known in his field. I was happy to get it, thinking we could get better medication to cover Mom all day long without the ups and downs, combative behavior, verbal abuse and outright anger along with OCD behaviors that cause havoc and me mental anguish each day. Now older sister is saying "you only want medication that will dope Mom up more!" I told her that I needed medication that would quiet her down and keep some of this under control if I am going to continue to care for her, now because she is ticked off at me, she plans on opposing me in front of the new doctor....I see it coming! She is wicked and a b--ch to say the least and she will use my mom to try and get to me, not caring what it does to Mom.

Today Mom tried to express to me that she did not know what was going on anymore, that she just could not get her mind to work right and she did not know why, she was crying. I was hugging her and told her it was alright, I understood and I was here for her. She went on to ask where her momma, sister and brother were. I looked at her and did not know what to say, but i told her they were gone, she looked shocked and said "dead?" I said, "yes" and she broke down sobbing. She lost her father when she was 12. I just kept saying, I am sorry Mom I am sorry! Then she tells me that she thought her Mom was just in the bathroom with her and I had to tell her it was me. Later when she asked where her sister was, I thought okay don't say "gone," so I told her that I did not know where she was right now, but I was sure she would be back....she looked at me and said, "Is she dead?" I had to say "Yes Mom she is."

Today was the worst day I have ever had with her due to these questions and her heart breaking all over again, only now it is like a child, because she is remembering her momma, sister and brother.....not my Dad, so she is in her childhood. This is something brand new and very poignant to her and was breaking my heart for her.

Someone asked how I got roped into giving up my life to care for Mom....I became ill in 1997 with a divorce, seizures and panic and anxiety. My parents moved my daughter and I from my house into theirs to care for us until I got better. I was placed on disability due to the severe panic and anxiety and seizures. A couple years later my aunt became ill and needed care so I was there until her death, then my father became ill and I was there until his death, then my brother in law was ill and I watched him during the day until his death, now I take care of Mom but she is the first with dementia which makes it so much harder. So I have been with Mom caring for her for 8 years, but I have been taking care of everyone else for 17 years. Because I was on disability and at home everyone just thought, "let her do it!" I did not come to this willingly although it was not until Monday night that I told my older sister, that she could quit her job to stay home and care for Mom and the pay by the way, is ZERO!! When she blew up at me that she was not about to do that, I said fine, I will just leave and you two (both sisters) can hire someone to come in and do my job!

I have to say that even though my older sister is a wicked b--ch, I have NEVER SEEN SOMEONE WILL SO MUCH GALL IN MY LIFE TO BASICALLY SIT THERE AND TELL ME THAT BY GOD I WAS GOING TO KEEP DOING THE JOB AND THEY WERE NOT GOING TO ALLOW ME TO SPEND MOMS MONEY FOR CARE BECAUSE SHE NEEDED THAT MONEY WHEN MOM DIES. I SO WISH I HAD THAT CONVERSATION RECORDED BECAUSE IT WAS SO UNBELIEVABLE, EVEN FOR HER!!! AND TO TELL ME TO GET TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND GET MYSELF MEDICATED SO I COULD CONTINUE TO CARE FOR MOM???? REALLY??? WHY THE H**L DON'T YOU???

I wanted to put Mom into a Memory Care Facility because I could no longer handle her and it was making me sick. Both sisters said, "No Mom is not bad enough to go into a Memory Care Facility/Nursing Home, but then neither one of them take care of her every day like I do.

For what I do and what they do, I should walk out of here with EVERYTHING, but no that will never happen, I will walk out sick and changed forever. They keep their jobs and make money daily while I make nothing other than ulcers...where is any of this fair? I guess I need to wake up and realize life isn't fair.

Oh yes the conversation was topped off with said sister telling me that I was jealous of HER! That statement could NOT BE FURTHER FROM TRUTH! Lets see she owes over $100,000 in student loans that began at $20,000, she makes as much as a high school girl would with no experience, her husband divorced her, and her kids have disowned her, she is miserable and likes to make everyone else miserable as well, no one in the family wants to have anything to do with her after Mom dies.....No I do not think this is a person I am jealous of AT ALL!!! She is delusional!!!

Oh and said sister is afraid that if all of Mom's money is spent and she should have to go on Medicaid before she dies, she is afraid that because I am permanently disabled, I would get to keep the house but it would be solely in MY NAME therefore pushing out both sisters. This is why I am sure she is trying to hold on to all of Mom's money....no Medicaid....no loss of her "inheritance!"

Stressed; when mom asks where her family is, maybe telling a little white lie like, oh they are next door and will be here later might be kinder at this point. Talk with the geri psychiatrist about that, and look at some of the articles about dementia on this site. Yes, your mom sounds like memory care might be right for her, but make sure that there is enough money to fund her as a private pay patient; in most states, Medicaid does not cover Memory Care; they will only pay for nursing home care. Find out what the situation is in your state. Try to find the strength to pity your miserable sister. If you can't, just tell her that she's so full of it, that you're on to her and that she doesn't scare you anymore.

Stressed, I just find it unbelieveable how similar our situations are! Is the house left to you in a will? You should be paying yourself for mom's care, though I understand some states do not permit a family member to be paid, POA or not. Many states will also allow family caregivers to remain in the home even if parent ends up on Medicaid. Even the state recognizes the financial and emotional impact on caregivers of caring for a parent for free will have. The reason for those laws is to avoid creating another generation of Medicaid recipients. I think this makes sense, don't you?

Siblings try to make us, the 24/7 caregivers feel guilty for wanting to be paid. And all because of the impact on their inheritance! They want it today and the sooner mom dies the more there will be. And the attorney made an excellent point that the inheritance will only be there if mom receives free care from you. In addition he told you that the money is for your moms care first and it is not likely that there will be anything left.

Did you ask the attorney if you can be paid for caring for your mom? Or are you in one of the states that does not permit this?

At the doctor appointment be determined to keep your COOL! It sounds as if sisters are going as well? Try not to become upset at anything they say. Make sure that appointment stays on topic of your mom's care, not the family dysfunction. You should also be able to receive some sort of a recommendation from the doctor about the respite that YOU will need in order for you to be a better caregiver for your mom if you want to continue doing so.

But you should definitely check into getting paid in spite of being POA. It may be possible to have a professional Geriatric Care Manager do an in home assessment of your mom, make recommendations for her care and your respite time, and recommendation of pay for YOU.

Now make plans to get out of there for awhile, enjoy yourself and get to feeling better. I know I would like a month to just sit in a comfortable, well equipped cave with a hot shower, food to eat, in the middle of nowhere and just left alone! Once there, I know I would enjoy every minute with a book, tv, internet, music, just myself. The best thing, no sisters bulls**t! They can just go away, would never miss them!

I think you have two sisters as well, correct? Maybe everyone should make sure they do not have three girls into a family! Now I will hope I can get some sleep, it is almost 3 am here and I am sure you can identify with the lost sleep I suffer each night because of the stress of not just the caregiving, but the additional, unnecessary stress caused by sisters selfishness and complete lack of integrity or compassion. Hoping to get some sleep now, you do the same.

Stressed and Ba8,
my mom has the same continuing questions about her parents.I tell her they as passed, mom gets upset, sometimes quite emotional. The few times I have told her they are out with friends or we'll call them tomorrow, she also says to me "oh, are they still alive?". To which like stressed said at that point you just have to say no, and provide the comfort with hugs that they need. My mo will sometimes start knocking on the sides of her head (not hard) saying "what is wrong with me?" it is such a sad disease to watch get progressively worse.

Now, really good night.

Be very careful about getting paid by your mom's money since you are her POA. I'd go see your local elder law attorney before you start doing this. Especially since you have siblings on the rampage and seeking ways to pull you down. For now, I'd go to your Original desire to send mom to memory care unit. As POA, you are required to do what's best for your mom's interest (and not your siblings.)

I agree about no longer discussing your mom's situation with your sibling. Since you all are living in the same house (?), I'd lock up or hide All your back-up documents from your siblings. Do you have a loyal friend who is willing to keep Copies of your originals? The more copies you have the better. If you have a scanner, can you scan your documents and email it to your yourself. When you receive these scanned email documents, put it into a file on your email: "Mom Document" This way, if your siblings find your hardcopy, you still have the email scanned documents.

Stressed52, the POA document gives you the legal right to hire in home care for your mother using her funds. Your sisters have no say in your decision unless they are willing to do the care themselves. Hire the agency, give yourself a break and stop asking permission from your sisters about your responsiblities as your mother's POA!

Arme you possibly the executor as well? I hope so. Your disability could be used as a reason. NOT to continue care for your Mom. It is killing you (and your wicked sisters). Your one sister being more concerned about an inheritance than your health and your Mom's makes me sick. I want to slap her as much as my own brother (who does nada). And he is in and out of work, and constantly moving. The minute Mom is gone, he'll have his hand out. BTW: Mom can't go on Medicaid until she has exhausted her funds (other than a house, I believe). Please find an apartment and move and hire an agency for 3-4 days/week. You can do the other days, and go home at night. Talk to an Elder Attorney, the Alzheimer's Association (who is available 24/7). They have helped me SO MUCH! Consider a Geriatric Case Manager -- they walk you throu the process from A - Z. YOUR SISTER is the female version of my brother. She has NO SAY. Talk to some agencies. If you want to get any information, I went to an elder attorney and could give tou ideas (if you want). I don't want to act like the B*TCH of a sister you have. 80% of caregivers die before the person they care for due to stress. Don't let your sisters use the "guilt card!" My Mom is on 4 meds to keep her calm (she has attacked me 4-5 times). Your Mom should be on at least Aricept. Please don't think I'm bossy (though I am). I don't want to see you victimized by 2 cruel sisters.

Your sanity is more important than the Wicked Witch of the Witch's -- she's got it made --and though it is hard, placing Mom in Long Term Care is safer for her. 0h, and you can call Adult Protective Services on your sister re her overwhelming interest in money & holding you hostage to care for your Mom. It's been made clear to me by the Police, APS and other experts, my Mom needs placed, and SOON! You are a tough cookie (though you don't think you are). I've been doing this for 2.5 years. I don't know how you have done it for so long!

I see people advising you to get paid. Don't do it. If you are on Disability, you could be charged with fraud and lose it. Don't give your sister anything to hold over your head! BTW: I was a legal secretary for over 20 years (different field), but I do know the basics).

I did not think about the disability angle. Couldn't she stop collecting it and get paid for mom's care? Seems caring for mom would pay much better. Or is she prohibited from any sort of work because of the disability?

I think that there needs to be a PTSD type disability available for caregivers if necessary when our jobs are over. I have read so many stories of abuse of caregivers by their sick elders. When the job is done, the relief of the trauma ending is very difficult for so many.

On another question I posted pamstegman said something to me that I had never thought of, she told me that if I was disabled and receiving a monthly check, I could not be a caregiver for my mother because if they found out they would cut off my disability. So she said you can be disabled or you can be a caregiver...decide.

I had asked a question about Mom's house and if the time came when she had to go onto MediCal, would we be able to keep her house when she passes away since I am disabled and have lived her for many years. I understand that can be done. My wicked sister is afraid that this is exactly what will happen only Moms house would be awarded to me solely and she again would again be out of her inheritance.

Can I lose my disability for living in the same house with Mom and caring for her? I believe I have heard many people on this site have to do the same thing, so I was floored!!! My first thought was here is something my sister can use against me, but SHE WANTS ME HERE TAKING CARE OF MOM so she wouldn't try to turn me in unless I walked away and left it on her.....which I would love to do, but she is short tempered.

Get into an attorney to get your answers. Otherwise, you could get screwsd over.

Check out this link (it talks about the stress of caregiving and family relations while caregiving: https://www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Support

You are doing the right thing by hiring help. Your sister is an idiot.

And a bully.

Let her go to the attorney, and then tell her she gets to take over the care because you are getting a job . And you still have the POA most likely. Her story may change once she has to deal. Take care if yourself first or you can;t take care of ANYone else

If any of you pray or believe in prayer, would you please pray for me, I really need it. My panic and anxiety has become so bad I can no longer function properly. I told both of my sisters tonight that this was it, I had held on for as long as I could but no one ever listens or has helped, so this is it, I am over and out. They now need to figure out how to care for Mom because it has made me so sick that I will probably have to be hospitalized or got through years of trying to get over this AGAIN. I just cannot do it. My older sister tried to jump on me again and I jumped right back.

I have a problem in that I now have no place to go to escape this because it is not going to be pretty.....I need to recuperate and relax and get myself back together. I would check myself into a hospital but I refuse to go into a locked facility. My daughter has about a month until she graduates from college, I am kind of screwed, any suggestions PLEASE!!!! Pray for me PLEASE!!!!! I am frightened out of my wits!!!

I am 61 on Disability with Medicare and Medi Cal if that makes any difference.

Just because you aren't takiing care of her doesn't mean you have to leave. If you are on Disability, pay some rent. You are the Power of Attorney, you still have rights!