I am the unpaid caregiver and Financial and Medical POA for my mother. I have cared for her for 8 years with zero pay. By the time each year rolls around and summer is here I am nuts and need an extended break which comes in the form of a two week vacation.
This year Mom's condition has been worse and I have been stretched to my limit and beyond. I have become ill and I am having horrendous panic and anxiety attacks that I cannot control. I see a therapist once a week and I have xanax to take but I wish I could figure out how to STOP THEM FOR GOOD!
I have become afraid to be at home with Mom. It is taking care of her that has caused me to go nuts each year and her worsening condition and medication not working has led to my panic and anxiety.
I begged my older sister to stay home today from work and not leave me alone with Mom. She went to work but called my younger sister and had her stay home from work (she has a house payment and 2 kids to take care of alone) so she could go to work at a job that she knows is over in about 2 months.
She gave me the name of a man who has an in home care agency, so I called him and he was here tonight going over everything with us. For 5 hours a day, five days a week the cost is $1,800 a month which is caring for mom and cleaning the house.
So both siblings and i had a talk and ran the figures. Older sister wants to know WHO IS PAYING FOR THIS? I said, "It is coming out of Mom's money." She throws a fit and is yelling "OH NO ITS NOT!" She goes on to state that the "problem is mine" I cannot deal with our mother's condition, therefore "I need to go see a psychiatrist and have him medicate me so I can deal with her worsening dementia and the outbursts and yelling!" AND I SHOULD BE THE ONE PAYING FOR THE IN HOME CARE, NOT MOM!!!! SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER THAT SHE OWES THE HOUSEHOLD ACCOUNT $7,200 FOR 2 YEARS OF PAYMENTS SHE NEVER MADE, SO MOM AND I HAD TO PICK THEM UP!
IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE USING OUR INHERITANCE AND I DON'T LIKE IT!
She gave me ONE MONTH to get over my panic and anxiety, one month that is it!!! And every single day that the caregiver is here, I am to be out of the house doing "whatever it takes to get over the panic and anxiety! My complaint had been that I was locked inside this house all week with Mom and could never get out and it has literally driven me to panic and anxiety. See she works part time and gets off work at 2:30 but stayed gone until 5-6 or 7 pm so she did not have to be here to help or deal with the mom and the situation. I have been FREE in home care for my mother for 8 years and she has been no help until the past couple of weeks. After tonight it will probably go back to no help!
SO SAID SISTER, HAS ACCUSED ME OF SQUANDERING MOM'S MONEY, BY HIRING IN HOME CARE SO I CAN TRY TO GET MYSELF BETTER. SHE STATES THE PROBLEM IS MINE AND I SHOULD PAY FOR IT, THERE WOULD BE NO NEED FOR IT AT ALL IF OUR MOTHER DID NOT HAVE DEMENTIA AND REQUIRE SOMEONE TO CARE FOR HER, SO MOM SHOULD PAY FOR HER OWN IN HOME CARE.
NOW SHE SAYS SHE IS GETTING HER OWN ATTORNEY AND FIGHTING ME ON THIS BECAUSE I AM WASTING MOMS MONEY. I TOLD HER IT IS MOM'S MONEY, MEANT FOR HER CARE, AND THAT IS WHAT I WAS DOING. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, SHE CAN QUIT HER JOB AND STAY HOME AND CARE FOR MOM OR HIRE SOMEONE ELSE TO CARE FOR MOM....OH NO, SHE WANTS MY FREE LABOR!!!!
Am I right or wrong, can and should Mom's money be spent to get her in home care that I am not currently able to give due to my panic and anxiety attacks???
Take mom to the nearest ER, tell them she has had behavior changes, and you are not able to care for her any longer. You are at the end of your rope, you need to take care of you. IMO your sister is having more effect on your health than what you do for mom. That is my case, this would be so much easier without sisters and their narcissistic behaviors.
Take care of you. Find a way to get out of there today, it may require abandoning your mom to the state, which may be a good thing, it would remove the family dysfunction from the situation completely. Good luck, stay strong.
Older sister has options, she is on SS is 66 and her part time job ends around the second week of June, however I do understand why she needs to keep work since her SS is so low. But she lives here and pays $300 a month.
So today the man came with a contract that older sister had contacted, I have been doing this for free for 8 years....the contract tonight was for 8 hours a day 5 days a week!!!! This person will be paid almost $40,000 a year. I do not understand why 8 hours a day is needed but she wants the woman here at 7 am and off at 3 pm? She is NEVER home by 3 pm.....this is the sister who stays gone til 5, 6 or 7 pm at night.
I had told her the other night that I would sign over Mom's HealthCare POA to her....I regret that in a way. Tonight she made the statement that we were seeing an attorney to have the paperwork changed so she could also have the Financial POA! My younger sister and I BOTH said, "NO I never said I would give you the Financial POA, I said Medical. Now I wish I had never said Medical. She says well in you condition I do not think you should be handling the money! Now get you this woman is the only one of us who HAS EVER TAKEN A DIME FROM MY MOTHER AND NEVER REPAID A CENT NOR DOES SHE FEEL ANY REMORSE FOR DOING IT!!!! She currently owes the Mom in excess of $12,000 total that will never be seen. Not to mention she had a bank write of a credit card balance when my Dad died saying it was his debt, when all he had ever done was sign for her to be able to get a card. He never used a credit card, he was cash and carry all the way!!!
Now I am wondering what the heck is going to happen and it scares me.
If anyone else has panic and anxiety, i have to tell you I found a product at the Health Food Store which has been pretty amazing for me...it is made by Quality of Life and is called "Pure Balance Serotonin" it is actually for weight loss the woman said but it levels your Serotonin to make you feel good and thus has stopped the Panic and Anxiety. Now I have only been on it for two days and everyone is different and maybe this is just a fluke but so far so good. I am also taking Folic Acid, Vitamin C, and drinking Oolong Tea and Green Tea basically as iced tea all day long. I don't want to lead anyone astray but if you are searching for something, try this. I have been reading everything i can get my hands on and walking around the block a couple times a day. I also have to say that I have taken 1/2 of a .50 Ativan at bedtime and I am trying to lead to meditate.
Sorry for such an involved reply.
This is what bothers me, my older sister is not nice to my Mom. She says EVERYTHING with an attitude and yells.....I think she is half MY problem as well because you feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time. Tonight my Mom told me that "She didn't know what she had done wrong to be treated this way." She went on to say that "she was afraid to go to bed at night (sister sleeps in room next door) because she is afraid she will not wake up in the morning!
When i brought this up to said sister, she says, "Oh yeah thats great because that is the same exact thing she says about YOU!" Now I do not treat my mother badly nor speak to her the way my sister does, but I do know that dementia patients may say these things about anyone, so I am not sure if it is a true fear or something she might even say about me or my younger sister.