Not sure what category to post this in. I'm not my mom's caregiver and she doesn't have a caregiver. But I made a promise to her to help her one day a week with having groceries and other supplies delivered to her, etc. I've been doing this for her every Thursday, and if that were only way I was helping I think it might be OK for me.
However, I feel like I must be available to my mom on a spontaneous basis for her urgent health-related needs, and I feel like I have no choice because I don't want her to go without help, and apparently she has nobody else she trusts to help her when these situations occur. I'm not OK with the situation at all but not sure what to do.
You need to know Moms finances. Can she afford to pay aides? The SW can suggest 4 hrs, 8 hrs but if the money is not there its not there. So your other option is in home Medicaid. But then she needs to fit a certain criteria for that. You need to know her monthly income. You also need to be firm in that you cannot afford personally for in home care, if this is the case. I may ask that they evaluate Moms home. You maybe able to declare an "unsafe discharge". You cannot be made to take on the roll of Caregiver or pay for her care if u can't afford it.
Do you have POA if not, do you want it? If its found that Mom needs 24/7 care, you may want to allow the State to take over. They will get her services much faster than you can. I sense there is a very good reason why you don't want to get more involved with Mom than you are. I already see that Mom is stubborn and wants it her way.
Not really an answer to your question, but I have noticed that when I'm involved in helping my mom with something she needs help with, if she's not in any discomfort or distress, she is very sweet and kind and can focus easily. But if she is in pain or discomfort or distress what she will do is start talking a for a good long while about everything under the sun except for the thing I'm trying to focus on helping her with. Then once she has said all of that, she will say she is too tired and in too much pain to focus on what I'm trying to help with and then nothing gets done. This has been going on for the past 3 years at least. This happened today when I was trying to help her choosing the caregiver.
Speak to a social worker about helping you work out a care plan for her.
How old is your mom? Do you feel like she will need to be placed in a facility permanently?
Do not feel guilty if she needs to be in assisted living or a nursing home.
But then there are the "urgent health-related needs" which require someone (currently only you will do) to go with her... where? Or else... what might happen? - what does she need help with? And how often is this happening, on average?
PS, sorry, I see - by go without help, you mean not have any help when she needs it rather than go to a particular place; got it now!
So you're contemplating the probability that your mother will need support more frequently as she continues to age, and worrying that this might snowball on you? You are wise to look ahead. She already has what sounds like a good, responsive family doctor, and a prompt visiting nurse; so you already know that if anything serious needs attention it will get it. That's some consolation.
Then, taking the need to collect otc remedies from the pharmacist: a well-stocked household medicine cabinet can avoid situations like this, as long as you're confident she is able to read labels and follow directions responsibly. So that's only a matter of planning, really.
Then, looking around, who else is there for your mother to call on for small emergencies? What sort of community does she live in? - town or rural, is she well-established there with her neighbours, or a comparatively new arrival?
My father would screw up his remote and demand I leave work to fix it for him. No, he was going to have to wait until I had planned to visit. What was he going to do? He didn't like my suggestion that he watch the tv in the bedroom. My second solution was to write out the directions to reprogram the remote in very large print. He liked that even less.
Quite frankly they get a certain pleasure out of seeing us jump when they snap.
"What if she doesn't trust the caregivers?"
Well, if she doesn't like the first caregivers, then maybe she'll need to find others. We discussed this today.
"Does your mother legally make her own decisions?"
Yes.
"Is she participating in these discussions re discharge?"
Yes.
"If your mother is paying (and she should be!), is she aware of what the caregivers will cost? And is she okay with it?"
Yes, we are discussing the costs as we get this information from the caregivers and there is no expectation that I would be paying for any of it. She knows she is paying.
"What happens if she summarily dismisses caregivers and refuses to let them into the house? Then what?"
It's for sure a concern. I often end up feeling like her situation is my fault because it's unfair to her somehow.
She said today that she would prefer we were living together or that I was doing the caregiving personally because I'm family as opposed to a stranger. At that point I made it clear to her that I personally will not be her caregiver, and that I will not live with her, and that things need to return to me helping just one day a week. She then said she never had any expectation that I would actually do that, "why in the world would I ever think you would". Just that it was her "preference".
If she summarily dismisses the help she is hiring and is back on her own, I'm probably back in the same boat again of worrying and feeling her situation is my fault. So this is what I've been struggling with. Seems like a common thread (literally) on this forum. So I'm glad I found this forum and it's been indispensable to me to learn there are others in my situation.
Is mom not able to call the pharmacy herself to arrange for that? What I'm wondering is, does your mom panic overly small "bumps" in the road and become unable to figure out solutions on her own? And so calls you to solve?
That is precisely what started happening with my mom when she was 88 or so. It took us a loooooooong time to figure out, but in the end, it turned out she'd had a stroke which had shaply diminished her reasoning abilities. Because we all worked, we rxplained to her that frequently needing to respond to these "emergencies" during the work didn't work for us, and that she would need to move into a facility with staff to attend to her needs (we tried round the clock aides- they made her nervous).
If Caregiving is not your thing and being at Moms beck and call is not your thing, you may want to have "the talk" with Mom. The talk being that helping her once a week is all your willing to do. Anything else she needs to take care of herself. When she feels she needs someone to help her around the house, she will need to hire them. Take advantage of resources provided in your County. If it gets where she feels she needs more help, then maybe its time for Assisted Living. That you do not plan on being her Caregiver. She needs to plan for her future needs.
I have a feeling there is something going on between u and Mom. That you don't want to be any closer than ur now. That's OK. But you need to make Mom understand what you are willing and not willing to do.
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