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My mother, age 85, is currently in rehab recovering from a UTI. She has dementia and narcissistic personality disorder. She was in assisted living for most of 2024 but waged a relentless, rage-fueled 10-month campaign to leave, until the facility finally kicked her out. She's been living in my house for the past year.
This recent UTI really took a toll on her physical strength and coordination. She seems to have total urinary incontinence now, and isn't able to use the toilet on her own or bathe herself. She can still eat and drink without help.
She and I have always had a terrible relationship, but I'm stuck as her unwilling guardian because no one else in the family will help (she treated them badly too).
I'm trying to figure out how much paid assistance I would need to keep her tolerably clean and comfortable at home without doing the hands-on care myself. I have a solo business to run, and -- being brutally honest -- I've had an entire lifetime of emotional abuse from her and just touching her makes me feel sick.
Can anyone take a guess at how many hours/how many visits per day I'd need from a paid caregiver to keep her acceptably clean?
(I will move her back into a care facility when she's no longer aware enough to protest. I'm just trying to bridge the gap until then.)

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Don't accept her into your home!
She does not have to approve of her next move which will be into a skilled nursing facility.
Tell the rehab doctor/administrator that you are not able to care for her. She has no home to go to, and no one to take care of her. They will have to find a nursing home placement.
If you are really trying to do this at home (don't), then you will need a paid caregiver 24 hours a day. She will need diaper changes every few hours, and feeding assistance. She may require transfer and mobility assistance, unless she is to stay in bed 24 hours a day. YOU DO NOT PAY FOR 24 Hr CARE.
Your mother's income and assets go to paying for her care needs.
Please, before this gets any worse, have her admitted to a care home.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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You are blowing an opportunity to get her placed by taking her back to your home. You are going to regret this
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Reply to lkdrymom
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You have a solo business to run?

Don't bring her home.
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Reply to brandee
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You think once the meds kick in the road will be easier to navigate. My mom is on year two of meds and this past week she had a meltdown, snapping at me over hearing aids. Today she was cruel to another patient (that thankfully had no idea what mom said). The meds are great, but they won't get you Mary Poppins. Don't bring her home. Make sure you tell them you refuse. Let them deal with it. My mom was a jerk to staff and other patients for a good while, but she finally settled in. The director said she had never seen anyone like my mom before, lol. Time to do this now before worse happens.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Just a warning, my mom's NPD gets worse when she gets a UTI. The psych meds don't work as well when she is on antibiotics I think. You might be in for some ups and downs in the coming weeks and months. Next time she goes to the ER or hospital let them know she is an unsafe discharge.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Thank you, everybody, for your advice and for reminding me to protect myself. I'm really okay -- I'm just trying to avoid another failed attempt at getting my mother moved into care. The longer I can wait, the less capacity she'll have to raise hell and get herself thrown out of the next place. Her antipsychotic meds and her declining cognition are already starting to soften her chronic anger. And I've been looking after her one way or another since my dad died almost six years ago, so a few more months seems like nothing. But if I've reached the limit as far as caring for her humanely in my home, well, that's how it goes. I made an appointment to talk to the nurse and social worker at her rehab and get their input. I'll let you all know what happens next. Regarding boundaries and enmeshment: yes, I've done all the therapy for years and years, and I've arrived at the point of pure pragmatism: how do I navigate this situation with the least amount of overall hassle and stress for myself? Fighting with another care facility to keep my mother against her will doesn't fit into that plan (and it's illegal for them to do so anyway, unless I lawyer up and go to court to get guardianship and take away her right to self-determination, which also sounds like too much work).
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Reply to paraselene
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You are willing to have her back because you feel sure that she will not be as bad and it will only be for 6 months. You need a back-up plan in case you are wrong. A move on from re-hab is a good opportunity. Plan for the next chance and how to use it effectively.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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In order to provide the level of care she needs at home, you'll need someone on duty with her 24/7. With my dad, I had a 24/7 live-in and two relief caregivers who could help turn him, work the Hoyer, and stay with him when the 24/7 had to leave. She had to go to her own appointments, shop and cook for dad, etc. I was there often to help with his care.

Any thought you have of a CG coming for a four-hour shift here and there while you do the rest of the work - well, it doesn't work that way. You don't know what emergency will happen or when. You don't know if mom will sleep a lot during the day, never during the day, or catnap day and night, or sleep all night. It varies, there is no scheduling that you can count on, and sometimes mom needs two people with her, sometimes not, or maybe needs three.

Move her into memory care now. Hour for hour, it will probably cost less than what you're facing with home caregivers, who are likely to be less well-trained than those at a facility.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Nothing about this sounds like a good idea for you or mom. Caregiving is hard enough when both parties are cooperating and want it to work. There is none of that here, you’re not stuck unless you won’t accept other answers. Mom shouldn’t be ruling. How much help? If you go forward, hire all the hours her money will cover, stay distant, and leave them to it. Something tells me mom will fire the helpers, I hope you’ll never attempt this on your own and wish you much peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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"She's already spent time in an in-patient geri psych program and is taking the antipsychotic meds they prescribed."

She emotionally abused you throughout your life. Her touch makes you sick. You are her unwilling guardian. Yet you want to care for her until "she's no longer aware enough to protest" going back in?

Respectfully, I think some therapy about enmeshment and boundaries will help you a lot.

"...no one else in the family will help" -- because they have boundaries.

There is no reason you need to rescue her until she can no longer resist -- mainly because this may not happen for a long time. There are other solutions -- you only need to consider them as such.
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Reply to Geaton777
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When your mother goes into care (after the gap closes) do you think the other relatives will come out of the wood work to start assisting? No?
I don’t think so either. you already know from ALF experience that an advocate will be needed.

My suggestion is to not wait to place her but to gird yourself with the knowledge that you are in it for possibly many more years and will need everything you have left in you emotionally for her care to just oversee and advocate for her.

You already cringe at her touch. This isn’t going away soon but will only get worse if you subject yourself to having her back in your home. there are two people here, not just mom. Your health can’t handle her care.

Part of my reasoning is that your mother deserves to have people touching her that don’t have the history that you carry. She is a vulnerable elder, a human being, You aren’t her best choice for hands on care.

You are her best choice for an advocate unless and until you decide a state guardian would be more appropriate. So as a proper advocate, fire yourself from hands on care.

If your mom(or anyone else) were properly hydrated she would need to pee every couple of waking hours. You don’t mention her bowel incontinent but if she can’t go to the bathroom on her own, it’s a matter of time. If she is prone to UTIs, that’s another issue. I’m assuming she can’t/won’t change her pull-up on her own?

Spend your time now looking for a psych consult for her while she’s in rehab to try to get her meds adjusted properly and start looking for the right facility.

Paraselene, if you had no history with your mom, unless you are a natural caregiver, it is a very hard job w/o trying to run a business at the same time. Set yourself up for success. Mom will be better off for it.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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paraselene Oct 21, 2025
She's already spent time in an in-patient geri psych program and is taking the antipsychotic meds they prescribed.
(4)
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Do not take her home . Tell them Mom needs to be placed . Mom does not get to “ protest ” and rule your life.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Don't do it. Why should you subject yourself to this? Tell the hospital no, she cannot come back and live with you. What would they do if your mother didn't have a daughter? Let them do that. What would you tell them to do if you lived in Finland or New Zealand or Senegal or Brazil? Let them do that. What do the rest of the family say when asked to help her? They say no. Be like them. Say no also. You are only stuck because you agree to let people stick her with you. Time to say no, and to claim some peace of mind for yourself. You deserve it.
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Reply to MG8522
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paraselene Oct 21, 2025
There was zero peace of mind with her ALF constantly calling me about all the problems she caused for them (I'm her healthcare POA). My aim here is to wait out her failing cognition for just a little longer. Her antipsychotic meds have already made her nicer and less angry at home. The nastiness flared back up in rehab but not as bad as before. I think in another six months or so, the fight will have totally gone out of her. I've been taking care of her one way or another since my dad died in 2020, and another half-year seems trivial. I don't feel stuck.
(2)
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I would talk to the discharge planner and tell them you will not be accepting her back into your home because of her past abuse and the triggering and her continued abuse. Even if she is on meds and improves, the answer is NO. Tell them your mental health is being impacted. It's your home and even if it is her legal residence you can do a legal eviction so she can't be forced back in for any reason.

You have a "golden" opportunity to have her sent directly to a facility from rehab. Do NOT go get her from rehab and make sure any other person she may contact to pick her up is told to NOT do that.

You say she has dementia but does she have an actual diagnosis? If so, why is she driving the bus? Just because she's bully? No, that stops as of right now. You are in control of your own life, not her or anyone else.

Is anyone her PoA? If so, this is the person who needs to step in and make sure she goes directly into a facility. Get her on meds so that she's not kicked out again. Or let her become a ward of a court-assigned 3rd party guardian. They know how to keep people in a facility.

You may need some therapy to identify and defend boundaries with her and anyone else in your life going forward. May you receive clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you get her out of your hair for good.
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Reply to Geaton777
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paraselene Oct 21, 2025
Yes, her primary care provider is a geriatrician who works with a team of dementia specialists. They diagnosed her with dementia, probably Lewy body dementia. I am the healthcare POA.
(1)
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Do NOT accept her back to your house and do not go pick her up. Tell them she is an unsafe discharge.

Why would you do this to yourself?
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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What you need, 100%, is to put her in a nursing home and for God’s sakes (and everyone else’s) get her on medication for her anxiety and aggression. And I bet you’re paying for all this care yourself, because you haven’t mentioned concerns about her money situation. This is a mess.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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paraselene Oct 21, 2025
She's already on antipsychotics, prescribed by geriatric psychiatrist. And no, I'm not paying for anything. In fact, we had an elder law attorney draw up a care agreement so I'm currently being paid to care for her. I'm just not willing to step up to the next level of care.
(3)
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Your mother can move into Memory Care Assisted Living NOW, with a geriatric psychiatrist evaluation to properly medicate her first to keep her calm.

It's unlikely you can hire a caregiver for less than 4 hrs a pop, and certainly not one that's "on call" to keep mother acceptably clean. You'd have to hire a full time caregiver to stay with her at home, imo. Look on Care.com I guess.

If it were me, I'd get her medicated and OUT of my home bc it's a big mistake to keep her with you, for your own wellbeing.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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