My mother, age 85, is currently in rehab recovering from a UTI. She has dementia and narcissistic personality disorder. She was in assisted living for most of 2024 but waged a relentless, rage-fueled 10-month campaign to leave, until the facility finally kicked her out. She's been living in my house for the past year.
This recent UTI really took a toll on her physical strength and coordination. She seems to have total urinary incontinence now, and isn't able to use the toilet on her own or bathe herself. She can still eat and drink without help.
She and I have always had a terrible relationship, but I'm stuck as her unwilling guardian because no one else in the family will help (she treated them badly too).
I'm trying to figure out how much paid assistance I would need to keep her tolerably clean and comfortable at home without doing the hands-on care myself. I have a solo business to run, and -- being brutally honest -- I've had an entire lifetime of emotional abuse from her and just touching her makes me feel sick.
Can anyone take a guess at how many hours/how many visits per day I'd need from a paid caregiver to keep her acceptably clean?
(I will move her back into a care facility when she's no longer aware enough to protest. I'm just trying to bridge the gap until then.)
She does not have to approve of her next move which will be into a skilled nursing facility.
Tell the rehab doctor/administrator that you are not able to care for her. She has no home to go to, and no one to take care of her. They will have to find a nursing home placement.
If you are really trying to do this at home (don't), then you will need a paid caregiver 24 hours a day. She will need diaper changes every few hours, and feeding assistance. She may require transfer and mobility assistance, unless she is to stay in bed 24 hours a day. YOU DO NOT PAY FOR 24 Hr CARE.
Your mother's income and assets go to paying for her care needs.
Please, before this gets any worse, have her admitted to a care home.
Don't bring her home.
Any thought you have of a CG coming for a four-hour shift here and there while you do the rest of the work - well, it doesn't work that way. You don't know what emergency will happen or when. You don't know if mom will sleep a lot during the day, never during the day, or catnap day and night, or sleep all night. It varies, there is no scheduling that you can count on, and sometimes mom needs two people with her, sometimes not, or maybe needs three.
Move her into memory care now. Hour for hour, it will probably cost less than what you're facing with home caregivers, who are likely to be less well-trained than those at a facility.
She emotionally abused you throughout your life. Her touch makes you sick. You are her unwilling guardian. Yet you want to care for her until "she's no longer aware enough to protest" going back in?
Respectfully, I think some therapy about enmeshment and boundaries will help you a lot.
"...no one else in the family will help" -- because they have boundaries.
There is no reason you need to rescue her until she can no longer resist -- mainly because this may not happen for a long time. There are other solutions -- you only need to consider them as such.
I don’t think so either. you already know from ALF experience that an advocate will be needed.
My suggestion is to not wait to place her but to gird yourself with the knowledge that you are in it for possibly many more years and will need everything you have left in you emotionally for her care to just oversee and advocate for her.
You already cringe at her touch. This isn’t going away soon but will only get worse if you subject yourself to having her back in your home. there are two people here, not just mom. Your health can’t handle her care.
Part of my reasoning is that your mother deserves to have people touching her that don’t have the history that you carry. She is a vulnerable elder, a human being, You aren’t her best choice for hands on care.
You are her best choice for an advocate unless and until you decide a state guardian would be more appropriate. So as a proper advocate, fire yourself from hands on care.
If your mom(or anyone else) were properly hydrated she would need to pee every couple of waking hours. You don’t mention her bowel incontinent but if she can’t go to the bathroom on her own, it’s a matter of time. If she is prone to UTIs, that’s another issue. I’m assuming she can’t/won’t change her pull-up on her own?
Spend your time now looking for a psych consult for her while she’s in rehab to try to get her meds adjusted properly and start looking for the right facility.
Paraselene, if you had no history with your mom, unless you are a natural caregiver, it is a very hard job w/o trying to run a business at the same time. Set yourself up for success. Mom will be better off for it.
You have a "golden" opportunity to have her sent directly to a facility from rehab. Do NOT go get her from rehab and make sure any other person she may contact to pick her up is told to NOT do that.
You say she has dementia but does she have an actual diagnosis? If so, why is she driving the bus? Just because she's bully? No, that stops as of right now. You are in control of your own life, not her or anyone else.
Is anyone her PoA? If so, this is the person who needs to step in and make sure she goes directly into a facility. Get her on meds so that she's not kicked out again. Or let her become a ward of a court-assigned 3rd party guardian. They know how to keep people in a facility.
You may need some therapy to identify and defend boundaries with her and anyone else in your life going forward. May you receive clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you get her out of your hair for good.
Why would you do this to yourself?
It's unlikely you can hire a caregiver for less than 4 hrs a pop, and certainly not one that's "on call" to keep mother acceptably clean. You'd have to hire a full time caregiver to stay with her at home, imo. Look on Care.com I guess.
If it were me, I'd get her medicated and OUT of my home bc it's a big mistake to keep her with you, for your own wellbeing.
Best of luck to you.