Dad broke his hip day ater Xmas and has been hospitalized since 122609; He was movd to an ext. care home/facility on Tue. 1=12. My Mom has told me that she cannot handle going to the Home (20 miles one trip) every single day because it is too her much for her. so I have been taking her day every other day. My brother, who lives in Arkansas is angry because I am not taking her every single day. He is coming tomorrow to taike her every take her every day amd when I rold her she was upset because she didn't think she could handle a 20 mile trip every day (she's 83 and Dad's 86). She is extremely senile and also has 2 large brain tumors that make her memory even worse, but it seems to be important to my brother that she be at the nursing home/rehab cente.r every day. She gets tired to easy and so fast and I want to do what is best for her. How should I approach this situation? My brothers already think that I don't do enough and this will just make the family situation worse. I'm not sure if Mom will stand up to my brother and tell him she doesn't feel like going over there and sitting for several hours ever day. Her mind is not capable of doing this (she has two large, but slow growing brain tumors, along with her severe dementia. Can youhelp me to deal with this possibly violent situation between me and my brothers. I am also on permanent disability due to Degenerative Disc Disease. two double 360 degree spinal fusiom on my lumbar spine amd the degeneration has spread to my cervical spine in the way of bone spurs, pinched nerves, and severe pain making it impssible for me to lift mu arms for mor than 5 or 10 seconds. I also have Fibromyalgia which contributes to my back pain by giving me pain in every joint in my body. I thought we had everything taken care of because my othe brother only wanted my Mom there evey other day, with a day in between to rest. He apparently didn't tell this information to my other brother and now I am being blamed for not taking her every day. The brother that lives in the same town as my parents and I keeps saying he is covered up at work and can't do anything to help, but when I called him on Tuesday afternoon to tell him about our visit he was at his stepson's baseball game, but he had just told my other brother that he was so swamped at work that his paperwork was piling up on his deskl The brother that lives in the same town as we do has done very little, although he tells my brother that lives in Arkansas that he has done eveything. In truth, my daughter is an RN at the hospital that my Dad was taken and she hs been the one to talk to the social workers and convice them that my Dad was an indipendent person before his fall. He drove my Mom to the grocery store and they also went out to eat about twice a week. The hospital would have kicked him out more than a week earlier if it had not been for my daughter. My brother didn't even have to deal with the social woriers. My daughter took care of everything and she forwarded all of the decisions by the social workers to me and I passed them on to my brother. The only real thing that my brother has done was "have a connection" with the Facility where he is at now which got my Dad into the Brookhaven extensive Care Rest Home. Other than that, I have had to beg him to take Mom to see Dad on one weekend day per week. I would take jher on the other weekend day (Sunday). Now both of my brothers are made at me because they think that I haven't done enough by by NOT taking my Mom to see my Dad every day instead of every other day. Have I been doing the wrong thing? Should I have ignored my Mom (and my pain) and took her to see him evey day? Your opinion meams alot to me and I would appreciate your feedbacl Please help.. I'm feeling so guilty and I have tried so hard! Thank you, Deise
I wish I had a nickel for every relative mentioned in this forum that thinks that they "know better." They are armchair quarterbacks who judge you from a distance.
There is a Chinese proverb that goes something like this: "be careful for what you ask, for you will surely get it." When your brother visits, let him take charge and I mean REALLY take charge. Can you go somewhere else while he is visiting? Let him live in your home and take your mother to visit every day. Do not interfere. If she is tired of the grinding trip, she will speak up, if not, it is her choice. If you interfere, you will be blamed.
I have a brother just like yours. His favorite thing to do is "blow up" at everyone whenever he wants to shirk a responsibility. When I asked for help he got mad and just "checked out" but tells everyone that he is never asked to help. Since when do you need a golden invitation when you can see that your parents need you?
Stay calm. Respect your parent's wishes. Do not let your brothers cause you to be defensive. Never explain. If they want to be part of the solution fine, if not, then they need to keep their opinions to themselves. If they complain, ask them to come and help - that should end the conversation PDQ.
What your brothers do to you (and mine as well) is verbal abuse. I stopped buying into that game a long awhile ago.
Stay strong,
Lilli
When my dad was ill for a short time before he passed away, I could only take my mom for 1 1/2-2 hours a day after lunch, and it was right across the street! Your brothers need to realize that you need to think of the wellbeing of BOTH of your parents, and that you are doing the best you can!
I wonder what would happen if you took Lilliput's advice and let your Arkansas brother take TOTAL charge during his visit? What if he did take your mother for a visit to your father every day and she didn't speak up? What if she hid her tiredness because she knew the son wouldn't be visiting for TOO LONG? Would this mean that your Arkansas brother could say that he had "proven his point" (that your mother is capable of visiting every day) and therefore YOU were wrong for being concerned about your mother's stamina and therefore, SHOULD be taking her every day to visit the father? We know YOU are correct but your jerk brother would probably think he had proven HE was right. I wouldn't like to see you put in this position.
I am wondering if your mother's doctor might write a note saying that your mother should NOT take the daily trip to visit your father. You would then have medical proof to show your
brother(s). Also, would you be able to explain to your mother (and would she understand?) how YOU understand why she can't make the trip every day but that your Arkansas brother doesn't understand so when he arrives, you will back her when she tells him pointblank that she cannot and will not make the trip every day. What is this brother trying to do - kill her off?? HE should imagine being in your mother's shoes in her condition and figure out how often he would be willing to make the trip. I'd bet he'd be whining if he had to make the trip once a week!!!
I know you will receive lots of really good advice from this "caring community" and I'm sure every last one will say that what YOU have done and are doing is right-on good and couldn't be better. Your dad is where he is getting good care so you are looking after your mother's care. If your brothers are SO concerned about your father having company, then THEY had better do more visiting or arrange for friends to pay some visits. You and your mother are doing super to manage a visit every second day. God bless you and your mother and may those brothers of yours be led to a clearer understanding of the total picture.
Hey, I just thought of something - what does your FATHER say about all this? Is he complaining that your mother doesn't visit every day or does he understand that she can't? If he understands, then he'd better talk turkey to his sons and tell them to get off your back. If he is complaining, then we know why your brothers are the way they are - right? Stand as firm as you can, Denise. We are all with you and your mother.
Maybe a Family Meeting is in order when your brother visits. Get everyone in the same room with your dad and lay it all out for them just as you did here in this forum. The advantage of having everyone in the same room is that no one gets information second hand. If your dad is "with it" he will help mediate the discussion since he is the source of the problem. If not, the meeting will clear the air and let you make your case for how difficult it is for both you and your mom to make the trip every day. It will also help mom realize that siding with your Arkansas brother is hurting you and her. Plus your dad may weigh in with the notion that he'd prefer NOT to have visitors every day since visitors tend to physically drain a person who is recuperating. Do not let the meeting end until everyone comes to an agreement about who does what and how often. If necessary, write out the schedule on a piece of paper and have everyone sign it and take a copy home with them so they have no excuse. Also, if the Nursing Facility has a social worker on staff you may ask them to facilitate the meeting and keep order. Most important for your sake: remain detached from the dysfunctional behavior your brothers are showing. Remind yourself often that YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. If anyone else wants to do better, be willing to step aside and let them :-))
Best,
Hap
It would seem that Reba and caresgiverslight were struck the same way as I was when I read about your brothers and how they expect so much more from you and your mother than is possible or makes sense. The idea of having legal backing sounds excellent and as has been suggested, have you talked to your mother's doctor and asked the doctor to state in writing that your mother should not be making a trip to visit her husband EVERY day. I am wondering what you think of the idea of a family meeting. Do you think your brothers will listen or would a meeting just end up being a big battle?
Let him handle it a while. He may not be conveying it well, but he's coming over - let him.
From my point of view, your Mother shouldn't have to go even every other day. This stress will cause her health to deteriorate even more and she can use this time to relax and work on her own health.
You have to be the strong one in the family. Take each day as it comes and try to make your life as good as it can be and do the same for your Mother. Allow your brothers to do what they want to do for your parents and try to not allow them to upset you with criticism. You are doing your best. Be confident in your caring and love for your folks.
God Bless.
All the best, Joy.
Another thing, and this is typical of one of my deadbeat sisters, is that she feels like she's a hero if she DELIVERS OTHERS to visit with mom. Or delivers an unwelcome baby miniature dachshund "Cause YOU certainly don't love Mom. She should have something to love." What a jerk. Anyway, I'll get off the gripe wagon about my sister.
I wonder how much the brother is UNwilling to do his own visiting and HELPING OUT. I average 12 hours day AT convalescent center or hospital when Mom was incarcerated. He should start piling up his own "on duty" hours, and HE can fill the gap now because your mother isn't up to it any more. "And that's how Sue C's it." (line from GLEE, my name's not Sue).