My mother is 69 and I'm 34. It has become increasingly difficult to deal with her "personality" I love her to pieces but the following:
The victim viewpoint
The inability to take criticism...hell the inability to take anything that seems negative towards her
Her negative outlook on life
Sensitivity
Her fear of everything and covid did not help
That she doesn't appreciate what she has but seems to dwell on what she doesn't
Can't come to terms that she is 69. She cannot reconcile that she is older and doesn't have the capability to do what she could have before. Also since she isn't earning money she feels helpless. I don't know how to fix this?
She also refuses counselling.
I'm in counselling and realised that the reason I don't want children stems from I've been caring for her since I was a teen and I'm done with rearing.
Deep breath..... advice on any of the multiple points above. I'm really trying but I'm so tired.
Family dynamics..
Not all family dynamics can be changed. or "Fixed"
Another fact of life.
You can not change someone and how they react.
You can change how you react and deal with situations.
You are responsible for your own mental health.
You are not responsible for anyone else's mental health.
You obviously have been dealing with this for a long time.
You can't "fix" someone else.
Since she refuses counseling that is on her NOT you.
My advice on this is if it gets to be more than you can take you need to walk away for a while. If a disagreement starts, walk away. If she stars a "pity party" , walk away. If she starts victimizing herself, walk away. you get the idea...
I know it diffuses the situation temp but its been forever and the same issues occur over and over again. It's just frustrating.
I want her to understand so we can move past the issue. One week later something similar would arise.. she'll get bent out of shape because she only heard the negative or what she wanted to hear was not said and I'm thrown into a foul mood.
I've been struggling with not letting her opinion/feelings upset me but I just can't move past it.
It hurts that she doesnt see the damage its causing. Her lack of awareness and ability to take responsibility for actions.
I love her to bits and she's talking to me right now as I type this. Its just all so messed up. I'm just exhausted because I have my own things dealing with as well
The best questions for your Mom when she expresses such a view is open ended and asking for more information.
For instance a statement such as: "I am so tired of it all" should not get "You don't appreciate how good you have it", but rather "what is bothering you, Mom, or is it just an accumulation of things?" You may find with a discussion that it is actually your Mom herself who will say "Well, I know I get around better than most my age, and I appreciate that, but my ingrown toenail is killing me". It narrows stuff down if you get my meaning, and you may find it is fun to "play around with" and helps your Mom see things for herself in different ways.
Your feeling you are taking care of your mother means you are treating her as a child, not as an adult, who is responsible for her own life. And while, as Beatty says, "there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions" is true, the symbiotic closeness you are maintaining both hinders you from breaking a natal cord while it allows your Mom to stay safe and comfortable where she is safe and comfortable.
There are lots of issues here. As you explore them with your therapist you will see so many ways of moving forward in a kind and gentle way with your Mom, and you will be able to help both her and yourself enormously. It's an adventure! I wish you great good luck with it.
Your mother is 69, and you haven’t said anything to suggest that she can’t look after herself. I’m nearly 74 now, and I will be looking after myself when my husband has to go 2000kms away in a month, to stay for an indefinite period that will almost certainly be over a month. It might do your mother a lot of good to be left on her own – and if there are any serious health issues, perhaps you can organise them in advance. It will certainly do you a lot of good to have some time on your own, focusing on YOU.
Your mother is taking up too much space in your life, and has been since you were seven years old. For her sake and yours, you need to make a split, and then come back to work out your relationship when you each have the experience of coping on your own. Try to see how you can manage this.
We have spent time away. A few months at a time when I was growing up...she used to be a live in nurse.So she'll be gone working and I'll be home.
When I got married I left for 4-6 months at a time. Right now I want to take a trip to have a procedure done outside of the country and our borders are closed. If I leave I'm not certain to come back anytime soon and knowing this I've been planning for her to go to my sister (47) because I don't feel comfortable leaving her home alone for an indefinite period of time. Which in itself is a difficult thing. They don't have a terrible relationship but it's still not great since she didn't raise her. Added to that she's in NYC and mum is fearful of covid...deep breath.
My gf mum died while she's stuck outside as well and it has me panicking about my trip as well.
I'm not in the US so those options aren't available here. I don't think anything has set in she just forgets and repeats the same thing a lot. She still refuses to see a dr.
I can understand why you are tired. Must be exhausting trying to fix all these things all the time.
I read the list you wrote & I started mentally sorting into columns of Your's or Mother's to own.
I can't say I found ANY on that list to put in your column.. Do you get what I mean? That Mother's personality, outlook & behaviour is up to her.
IMHO it's ok to gently suggest to her from time that counselling is helpful for many & could be helpful for her. Also ok for you to limit time listening to negativity. Ok to spend more time doing things you love: Job? Pets? Hobbies? Friends? Dating?
I wish I could have a pet. It's actually a huge gap I think. I've had a pet my entire life and where we live now you can't have them. I tried to get one and my neighbor kept reporting me so I had to give her away. I had my last real pet from 13-26. I attempted to get the other when I was around 28/29.
Other than this I have my own business that really takes all of my spare time. I do love reading and try to get that in when time permits.
Dating lol...don't have the energy to deal with what passes for men in my area.
Do you think those symptoms are all caused by altzeimer's or have you always had to deal with them? I think I am in a similar boat, but I have let it go on 8 years longer that you have. Its easy for people to say walk away, stop it now, get them help, but when you have been brought up by and conditioned by someone like that, you are effectively taught that's what bad poeple do and good people will put their mum above everything else... or else. Is that your experience too?
I think this is a big part. In my culture you take care of your parents......regardless. Its expected. I feel the weight of it.
I am the youngest and I do have siblings, 4 others. The thing is I'm the only child she raised fully. Her other 3 were raised by family and 1 by his father. They are all cordial but...this job really comes down to me
You are now the age your mother was when you were born and the person you cared for in your teens is not the same physically or mentally as she was. Perhaps you are placing too much emphasis on past memories. I know I live in two worlds in caring for my father and often struggle to accept the present situation with all its absurdities. When I do, I seem to manage better as I can overlook the comparisons and expectations - when I can't, I am a helpless child again wondering where my dad has gone.
You have devoted a significant number of years to caring for your mother. Do you think it's time to live the life you desire? Your views may change significantly from a distance and that may even improve your relationship and allow you to reflect fondly and with some latitude in years to come.
Just tired
You have a very difficult decision to make, and both outcomes aren’t very good for you. You say that “Since she lets her anger get the better of her, I act like a gatekeeper between her and people.” You’ve given a lot of your life to doing this. Mother has never had to grow up herself, and deal with the consequences of her own behavior. Perhaps she was a very spoiled child herself, and this has been going on for the whole of her life? Even if not, at age 69 the chances are that she will find it hard to change – in fact won’t change. It’s dominated your own life, and can continue for the next 20 to 30 years. That’s one very bad outcome for you.
Why did she not ‘raise’ your three siblings? Why did her marriage break up? Have you heard your father’s side of it? You write about your ‘cultural expectations’, but I can’t think of any culture where this is part of the expected pattern. ‘Cultural expectations’ don’t pick and choose which bits to follow. I suspect that you have been conned! Did it affect your own marriage? Would you want to expose your own child to this? No, reading again, you say it’s made you decide not to have children – and is that really what you always wanted?
The other bad outcome is that you finally cut the umbilical cord, and let her deal with her own life. It will almost certainly go wrong, and you will almost certainly feel guilty. You’ve never let yourself watch the consequences of her behavior, because you’ve protected her from them. The only way to cut the cord is probably to move a long way away. Of course Covid has made even the idea of moving so much more difficult for almost two years, but don’t use it as an excuse to stay stuck in this situation.
I hope that your counseling is helping. If it isn’t, find another counselor – not all of them are much good (bitter experience here). I hope that you can find some anger, as well as some peace.
Love with whichever outcome you choose. Yours, Margaret
She couldn't afford to be there physically and still support them. She left them and supported them financially while she worked in another country. She did all sorts of jobs to ensure they never lacked anything.
She was and is a hard worker. My dad died when I was 7 of pancreatic cancer. She actually became a nurse after because of it.
I don't know if it affected my marriage. I never examined it from that point of view. Truth be told my ex was a con man and I really doubt it did.
Its true me not wanted child stems from her but I still never felt the pull. I know I'll leave eventually but chances are I'll return frequently. Before covid I was fantasizing about doing one of those work remote trips. Where you work and travel. I have ecommerce stores so I don't need to any one place. I just need good internet.
Last time I left for a while I was okay..I was all in love lol after a while I missed her and knew she was missing me. When I came back from one of the trips she cried because I didn't tell her.
Sigh this whole thing is a mess