I've talked with you folks before. We placed my mother in a nursing home. However, she is VERY belligerent. She is constantly threatening my wife and I with lawsuits etc. She has had some very serious health issues along with the dementia. I have seen a definite decline since she has been at the nursing home with regard to her dementia; not her physical care. I've been reluctant to visit her since she is so hostile. I haven't seen her in six weeks. This upsets me, but I am not sure what to do as each time we interact she threatens to call lawyers to get "control back". She keeps demanding services from the nursing home's lawyer, but luckily, the nursing home's social worker seems to have gotten through to her. While she was in the hospital at Christmas, she was delirious and called 911 from her hospital bed because she thought "she was in a dumpster and Chinese people were holding her down; and that the nurses (who were pushing cardiac telemetry units) had cash registers". Any thoughts on how to deal with the belligerency?
Where an individual mother fits into the scheme of things is purely chance, but is one of the few things over which the individual has no control.
Many people have wonderful child hoods and take on the caregiving roll out of pure love and take the almost inevitable abusive behaviour in the later stages of dementia with good grace. Many are thrust backwards into the careging roll for a parent who never loved or took care of them and may have frankly abused them. For these caregivers there is confusion and very hurt feelings. They can not believe when they are virtually giving up their lives, often marriages, careers and livehood for some nasty old man or woman their parent could at least be civil to them.
The answer is they can't.
Whatever character the elderly previously had it is destroyed by this horrendous disease. Some caregivers are able one way or another to tolerate their positions, others just can't finish the job often because of their own ill health or plain stress.
Becoming a caregiver may be a calling or it may be thrust upon mostly woman. A few men are also able to persform these duties but usually have a very different approach because they are more able to seperate their duties from their emotions.
Women tend to cry or write here to vent whereas men are more likely to take their frustration out by chopping firewood.
There is no way to prepare for this because you don't see it comming. you realize your parents are getting older but never dream they are actually covering for each other. one can still write the chesks and do the taxes whereas the other can still keep the house clean and cook as long as the spouse keeps an eye on the stove. this happened to my own in laws dad remained mentally alert but Mom needed supervision. Mom could change the diapers with no problem but gave up driving she could still do the things she was good at as long a dad was there to keep an eye on things. Once Dad died it became very clear that her dementia was quite far advanced not just simple absentmindedness which Dad had to remind her of. she only stayed home a few weeks then had to be placed and was well on the way to a secure facility before she died. She had vascular dementia and obviosly been having small strokes for many years. she was never nasty to family just annoying but we were told she attached a nurse with her walker.
I am sure ElenasEldercare is a fantastic facility where any older person would recieve wonderful care and love.I visited the web site and the pictures are beautiful. the meals sound delicious and the activities keep everyone busy but what happens when one of the residents becomes violent are they invited to leave? Clearly many remain for the remainder of their lives but someone dying from COPD is very different from one with ALZ where their disease is so unpredictible.. I am not questionig Elena's training or experience because I know nothing of her career but I write this in suport of all those unlucky caregivers who areat the end of their ropes, fighting fatigue, mental and physical abuse at the same time they are trying to make sense of "The system" and keep their heads above water. To you all love, blessings hugs and chocolate and anything else your heart desires - even a day off.
I recommend you start by becoming familiar with the services and benefits available to your mother. Assisted Living facilities are costly and generally only accept private payments. It sounds like your mother could benefit from having Medicaid as that will open the door for her to receive services like home care, if that is an option your family wishes to consider. To find out if your mother is eligible for Medicaid.I know one of the Home Care Agencies in Ottawa.The agency is called the ByTown Home Care Services. They provide free care consultation.When you call, you basically want to inquire about available services for your mother's situation as well as family caregiver resources. There website is : bytownehomecare I hope this information was helpful. Good Luck.
I hope this information was helpful. Good Luck.
The effects of the meds won't last forever as her disease progresses but for now it makes it so she can still be with us at home instead of a nursing home, and allows her to function in the day without me having to worry.
Just know that you are making the decisions that are in her best interest and that her "threats" are idle threats because I'm sure any court that has her evaluated will see she isn't in her right mind. I know for my MIL once she was declared incompetent by a doctor (in my case her psychiatrist) the only one that needed to be notified of anything was me.
@Hugedoof, Dementia patients go through different stages of the disease progression. They express different "behavior" patterns and, sometimes, it might change over night.... though, for other residents "bad behavior" might stick there longer. Indeed, that behavior indicates that there is something wrong with them and, because they can't express what exactly, they are acting out in that destructive way. You might watch Teepa Snow (u-Tube) who is teaching caregivers to deal with any behavior issues.
I can hear your pain.... Yes, it might discourage you from visiting your mother seeing her in such disaster. But you should not take her hurtful words so personally. The disease is speaking louder than her. There is still loving mother somewhere deep inside, who raised you and gave you all she could. She loved you unconditionally and now it's your time to remember it, because she can't....
Unfortunately modern medicine is not armed yet with remedy for dealing with such straggle. I am very sorry you experience it. But, considering that she is in the NH and most her need are met, it might be right for you to stay away for a while to keep yourself sane.
It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your pain and ask for help.
She can't remember, she is confused, she is in pain (probably!), she needs help and she can't say what is wrong with her. You need to find a facility experienced with recognizing that. She probably needs one-on-one care. Yes, I know it's very costly. Do you have any siblings? Any other family members who can contribute? Can you look around for different facility specializing in such problem?
At this time the only way to calm your mother is with medications, better treatments may emerge in the future as the number of people with dementia rises but for now this is it. Finding the right combination of drugs to calm her but not make her a zombie is often a matter of trial and error and does not question the competency of the MD. The disease also has an unpredictable course so no one can guide you on a time line. You mentioned you had to yank information from the healthcare providers and this may be because there is non to give like us they can only guess. No body here has a crystal ball they can only express their experiences although some have medical training and greater knowlege of the healthcare sytem than others. I am sorry if you came here looking for answers and have been dissappointed but the reason is that there really are not any. We offer support, prayers, love and fellowship and occassionaly humor but crystal balls no they are lacking.I appologise that i did not go back and read your older posts but if i do the web site erases everything I have written in this post and that looses the spirit of the reply if I have to re type. Blessings to you and your mother. Visit or not that is up to you but find your own peace mother is already in a different reality.
But it is so hard to not think: that's a person I love who is attacking me! So hard. I am sending you my heart felt hope that you find ways to detach and carry on with peace in your heart. We all need some kind of umbrella of peace when our "loved ones" are beating down on us like pelting ice rain.
Do ALL people go this way if they have lived a lifetime of attachment to their ego or have a fear of death? Has anyone met others who live and die differently, although they may have had dementia?
I suspect, as your mother declines and her mind continues to blow out of the window, as my mother's has,she'll have episodes of creating havoc and episodes of being not there, and those episodes can change within hours so you take a chance when visiting as you never know how it's going to be. When I visited this afternoon my mother was calm and pretty much out of it, yet the RN said she'd been ok this morning ... whatever they view as ok.
I certainly don't blame you for staying away. My mother brought the authorities down on my head because she suggested I was stealing her money, which is ludicrous so I had to sort that out - which I did, case closed - meanwhile being treated like a common criminal.. Eventually, for the sake of my health and sanity, I went into hiding, changed my phone number and she doesn't know my address. I visited briefly this afternoon. She was out of it mostly and could barely speak but she was calm. She's had a number of strokes over the years. The last one a few months ago put her in hospital, then returned to the NH deemed palliative. Since then she's had two more mild strokes to my knowledge.
We've never been close, in fact I've spent a lifetime avoiding her, so I have no feeling for her. All I feel now is pity and I hope she passes away soon for her sake if nothing else. We wouldn't let a beloved pet suffer. We're kinder to them than we are to people.
I can't offer any advice as I'm in Canada, but I wanted to post so you know you're not alone. God Bless you. Please keep us updated. We care!