Mother has dementia and is VERY belligerent. How do I deal?

has a doctor declared her incompetent yet? this me and the wrote a letter that states the disease and that they can no longer make medical, financial or life decisions . if not start there. everything you have described is the disease and it will only get worse no matter where she resides. she is in the best place for care. don't feel guilty for not visiting its very hard to see the decline and even though she is your mom it doesn't mean you have to endure the abusive behavior. most with this disease too have lost track of time and it really doesn't matter if you visit every day or once every other month. my fil thought years went by between vistas when it was only a week or less. some times he thought on the same visit if he fell asleep and woke up in a 30min time span he thought a month went by. we can't feel guilty because their disease makes them do things that could make us feel bad.

ElanaElderCare, you mentioned that "There is still loving mother somewhere deep inside, who raised you and gave you all she could. She loved you unconditionally and now it's your time to remember it, because she can't.... " I do definitely respect your opinion and experience, but unfortunately, it doesn't apply in my case. I believe Ashley is in a similar situation. Sometimes, the relationship with the mother isn't ideal, doesn't include loving unconditionally, and includes a lot of dysfunction going back to our childhoods. Dementia can make all those things much worse. For someone who hasn't experienced it, it is really hard to fathom: "What do you mean your mother didn't love you unconditionally?? Isn't that what mothers do??" But for some of us, that is our reality. As our narcissistic elders lose control over their faculties, they panic, because CONTROL is what it has always been all about. I fully expect that belligerence, lies, and threats could all be part of my experience going forward. So just a gentle correction that for some of us unlucky ones, she really didn't "do the best she could", and for some of us, dementia only exacerbates an already nasty personality.

You call the MD, not the social worker. CALL THE MD AND GET AN RX. Because when you go back to court, the judge will ask you what you are doing to oversee her care. The Judge will expect you to say "Yes I have reviewed her medication with the doctor and I have followed up by seeing mom once a week to track any improvement."

In years gone by when my mother was in hospital for surgeries she'd go bonkers as well, screaming for someone to call the police and so on and I understand that reaction to anesthetic is quite common in elderly people. She's been mean, manipulative and spiteful narcissist life long and, since being in the NH, her behaviour has been awful, pushed along by the decline due to Parkinsons, stroke and dementia.

I certainly don't blame you for staying away. My mother brought the authorities down on my head because she suggested I was stealing her money, which is ludicrous so I had to sort that out - which I did, case closed - meanwhile being treated like a common criminal.. Eventually, for the sake of my health and sanity, I went into hiding, changed my phone number and she doesn't know my address. I visited briefly this afternoon. She was out of it mostly and could barely speak but she was calm. She's had a number of strokes over the years. The last one a few months ago put her in hospital, then returned to the NH deemed palliative. Since then she's had two more mild strokes to my knowledge.

We've never been close, in fact I've spent a lifetime avoiding her, so I have no feeling for her. All I feel now is pity and I hope she passes away soon for her sake if nothing else. We wouldn't let a beloved pet suffer. We're kinder to them than we are to people.

I can't offer any advice as I'm in Canada, but I wanted to post so you know you're not alone. God Bless you. Please keep us updated. We care!

Hugedoof no, there's nothing you can do. Just know in your heart of hearts that you did the best for her and she's now safe, cleaned and fed with round the clock care. There comes a time when we ensure that they are well cared for and have all they need and leave the professionals to care for them. They are trained to deal with these things, us mere mortals are not.

I suspect, as your mother declines and her mind continues to blow out of the window, as my mother's has,she'll have episodes of creating havoc and episodes of being not there, and those episodes can change within hours so you take a chance when visiting as you never know how it's going to be. When I visited this afternoon my mother was calm and pretty much out of it, yet the RN said she'd been ok this morning ... whatever they view as ok.

Tesora I absolutely agree with you becoming a mother does not change a woman's personality. Yes many will defend their young often to the detriment of the ofspring. Some do face incredible odds raising their kids in poverty and sacrifice everything to pull those kids out of the ghetto and find them an education. Othersflush them down the toilet at birth or continue with their promiscuoius habits in full view of the children and smoke their pot where the kiddies can inhale it. Some lock the kids in the house at night and go out to the practice the worlds "oldest profession" A few have been known to drive their kids int oa lake when they get in they way of Mom's ambitionsThen there are the wonderful mothers who have everything and take the little darlings to play dates and birthday parties and get intoxicated.
Where an individual mother fits into the scheme of things is purely chance, but is one of the few things over which the individual has no control.
Many people have wonderful child hoods and take on the caregiving roll out of pure love and take the almost inevitable abusive behaviour in the later stages of dementia with good grace. Many are thrust backwards into the careging roll for a parent who never loved or took care of them and may have frankly abused them. For these caregivers there is confusion and very hurt feelings. They can not believe when they are virtually giving up their lives, often marriages, careers and livehood for some nasty old man or woman their parent could at least be civil to them.
The answer is they can't.
Whatever character the elderly previously had it is destroyed by this horrendous disease. Some caregivers are able one way or another to tolerate their positions, others just can't finish the job often because of their own ill health or plain stress.
Becoming a caregiver may be a calling or it may be thrust upon mostly woman. A few men are also able to persform these duties but usually have a very different approach because they are more able to seperate their duties from their emotions.
Women tend to cry or write here to vent whereas men are more likely to take their frustration out by chopping firewood.
There is no way to prepare for this because you don't see it comming. you realize your parents are getting older but never dream they are actually covering for each other. one can still write the chesks and do the taxes whereas the other can still keep the house clean and cook as long as the spouse keeps an eye on the stove. this happened to my own in laws dad remained mentally alert but Mom needed supervision. Mom could change the diapers with no problem but gave up driving she could still do the things she was good at as long a dad was there to keep an eye on things. Once Dad died it became very clear that her dementia was quite far advanced not just simple absentmindedness which Dad had to remind her of. she only stayed home a few weeks then had to be placed and was well on the way to a secure facility before she died. She had vascular dementia and obviosly been having small strokes for many years. she was never nasty to family just annoying but we were told she attached a nurse with her walker.
I am sure ElenasEldercare is a fantastic facility where any older person would recieve wonderful care and love.I visited the web site and the pictures are beautiful. the meals sound delicious and the activities keep everyone busy but what happens when one of the residents becomes violent are they invited to leave? Clearly many remain for the remainder of their lives but someone dying from COPD is very different from one with ALZ where their disease is so unpredictible.. I am not questionig Elena's training or experience because I know nothing of her career but I write this in suport of all those unlucky caregivers who areat the end of their ropes, fighting fatigue, mental and physical abuse at the same time they are trying to make sense of "The system" and keep their heads above water. To you all love, blessings hugs and chocolate and anything else your heart desires - even a day off.

Hugedoof I see you posted while I was typing. When you put dementia on top of other serious health issues it's like putting gasoline on a fire. Know that your mother will never change her behaviour and, as she declines, it will only get worse.

Hugedoof your not visiting very often is a sound choice. It is very difficult to disregard what a mother says even if it is the disease talking. If you feel visiting is too emotional, you can always call. I wouldn't worry about any legal ramifications. Your mothers accusations have less creditability being in a NH than if she lived with you. Your mothers threats are more bark than bite due to her condition.

When you visit and she goes off on you, walk out. Wait a while, try talking to her again, if she goes off on you again, go home. This is how you behave after you talk to the doctor about meds for her.

Perhaps all the anger, rage, and seething accusations are like an energy trying to find release. The mind is a nest of habits: habitual thoughts. Habits are "knee jerk reactions". When intellect declines the brain must go on that automatic kind of impulse: needing to fix what feels wrong,needing to blame someone for what's wrong, needing so much and not knowing how to soothe oneself anymore. Feeling that nothing will help and despair in not trusting what's next. I can only imagine...
But it is so hard to not think: that's a person I love who is attacking me! So hard. I am sending you my heart felt hope that you find ways to detach and carry on with peace in your heart. We all need some kind of umbrella of peace when our "loved ones" are beating down on us like pelting ice rain.