They have both gained weight this last month her 12 lbs., and him 6 lbs. I really think it is unfair for him to expect this of her. They live with brother in law and his wife who do not do anything for them. I use to go over and cook for them, but sister in law told me to not to use her stuff and starts trouble with me. I avoid this, cause I don't have to put up with it. I worry about my inlaws and have them come over once a week for dinner. I still take them shopping, Dr. appts., ect., but worry about their eating habits. They won't throw away and actually eat spoiled food. FIL who doesn't have ALZ hates to throw anything away and will insist it being still good. My husband and I want them to move in with us as it would be so much easier to take care of them then having to go over there. SIL doesn't clean their bathroom and it's not a good environment for them. There is no socializing, no meals together, nothing. I worry about how long this can go on before someone gets admitted to the hospital with food poisoning. They are true southerners so diet is mostly carbs and fat. They can't eat green leafy veges due to blood thinners. They are both set in their ways and will be impossible to try and teach them anything new. They both think they are doing fine. MIL has been doing scary things like pouring hot grease back into plastic bottle, etc. FIL has mobility issues, brother and sister nlaw wont help take care of them, they just stay in their room. I have them come over to our house as it gets them out of their house, and they really appreciate it, but can't them get to move on anything. They are both in their mid 80's, refuse to take of business and I worry about the mess they are going to leave for us to clean up when their gone. Course this may be years and I've asked them several years ago to get things in place. I'm beginning to change my mind about them living with us, but I still worry about their well being. I know we can't do anything till something bad happens, but I don't want to wait for that. UGhhh... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
Alas, that is a pretty accurate description of the situation. A while back someone on here who worked for a helping agency said they had a lot of files stamped WFC -- Waiting for Crisis.
But maybe there are a few things you could do to mitigate some of the risks. What about having meals on wheels or a similar program deliver a hot meal each day? You'd know that was fresh and wholesome and when you visited you could quietly clean out any old leftovers. With one hot meal provides, would they be satisfied with toast and cereal for breakfast and opening a can of soup in the evening? Or anything easy to fix and consumable in one meal?
The notion that they can't eat leafy greens because of blood thinners is pretty silly. If they had a salad every day the dosage would just be adjusted to account for it. But it is more a matter of being set in their ways. And that is OK.
Staying in their room all day doesn't sound any better for their health than eating spoiled food. I am glad you are visiting them and getting them out some. Another option is to find an adult day health program. Usually these programs have door to door transportation, provide a hot lunch (and often breakfast), and have optional services such as help with a shower or cutting toenails! Even if they claim not to like it, being exposed to other adults and activity can be very good for them.
Personally, I don't think moving them into your house is the answer. I'm sure you would provide a much better environment than the one they are in, but even better would be one where there are three shifts to handle any emergencies and routine needs, their meals are all provided, and their are plenty of activities and opportunities to interact with lots of other adults.
Bless you for looking out for this couple! Don't let it overwhelm you, but try tackling one improvement at a time.
On your POA question, the POA for someone with Alzheimer's is ESSENTIAL -- so let me get on brief soapbox on that. All the other stuff you can just help them along, but you really need to get the POA before things go too far - whoever it is. But you have to have a POA for them. You write it down, print it out, find a notary, and talk to them in the car, and get them to sign it. Tell them you don't want the POA, you don't plan to use the POA, but you need that, and you will keep it for an emergency. Just like you need health insurance, car insurance, life insurance. You don't wait until you are sick or your car breaks down. Do they go to the doctor and pull out their checkbook and pay the full amount? Of course not. They have insurance which pays the vast majority of any expense. Why? No one could afford it otherwise. One sickness, and you would be broke. That is what the POA is, both durable and medical, for a dementia patient. One day they are sort of OK, then they have hallucinations, or can't remember what year it is, how to cook, or even how to dress. As it progresses, they need a POA to represent them as insurance from how to cope with Alzheimer's. It is really essential. Sorry - off soapbox on POAs.
See All Answers