My mother-in-law has a history of mental illness. Truth be told, it had a very large and negative impact on my husband throughout childhood and teenage years. She has a pattern: work becomes "overwhelming" and she stops going. She becomes paranoid about people coming into her house. She isolates herself and starts turning off services (phone, TV, etc.) to lower her bills. Eventually she is institutionalized against her will. All of these times, she has had a boyfriend to financially take care of things.
Fast forward to present day. My mother-in-law broke up with her boyfriend of 16 years because they had planned to move to another state and he actually wanted to follow through with it. He started building a house there in preparation for their retirement. At the last minute, she decided not to move and she broke up with him. A few months later, work became "too much" for her, so she stopped going and decided to retire. She believes she has a physical disability preventing her from working, but she spends her days gardening, crafting, and redecorating her house. She is only 62 years old, and she spent much of her life underemployed or working under-the-table, so she is only receiving $900/month in Social Security. Her mortgage alone is $1,500/month with $7,000/year in property taxes. My husband is sick over this situation and has many sleepless nights. A year has sinced passed, and we assumed she at least had some savings she was living off of, but we found out over the holidays that she only has $7,000 in the bank, no retirement money, and she is only getting $900/month income. We were shocked! She is literally in danger of losing her home within 3 months. My husband and his two brothers recently tried an intervention with her, telling her she needs to go back to work part-time, get a roommate, or sell her house and move into a subsidized Senior apartment. She absolutely refuses to do any of this. Her boyfriend is now with another woman, so no chance of him coming back.
My husband’s brothers believe it is their duty to ensure she doesn’t “lose” the house. Rather than confronting their mother’s mental illness and trying to get her help, they would rather split her bills 3 ways and pretend there is no problem. One of them just lost his job, and the other is fresh out of grad school, unemployed, and a stay-at-home dad living in a small apartment. We are all lower middle-class. My husband and I are currently living with my parents and attempting to save up to buy a house.
My feeling is that paying my mother-in-law’s bills allows her to keep living in a fantasy land. It isn’t a sustainable situation. Are we supposed to pay her bills for the rest of her life so she can live in a 3-bedroom house all by herself making crafts all day? I feel like this is taking away money from us that we could be putting into our own retirement accounts, money for our own (future) children and our own lives. I feel it is selfish. My husband is on board with me, but he is from an Italian family that will (in his words) think he’s a piece of trash if he doesn’t “help her out” which basically means support her.
I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation. She refuses to seek mental help, thinks nothing is wrong, and says we’re all “ganging up” on her and she worked hard her whole life and now deserves to retire in her home. She is a very nice person, but this situation is making me despise her. She has little equity in her house, only $30,000 or so. She has taken out multiple mortgages over the years. My husband's two brothers live far away, so the brunt of tackling this situation is falling to us.
Advice?
It would be nice if she could turn her crafting into a small business to earn some extra money. It would also be nice if she would downsize into something she can afford. I know you can make her do things, though. You can just make suggestions.
Supporting her is a heavy burden for the kids and they will have to make decisions. I thought the money might come back to them when your MIL died, but one can never trust an inheritance. A person can get mad at people and leave everything to a TV preacher if they wanted to. Maybe they can find a way to protect their investment if they do decide to help.
I think what would be best is to meet as a family and decide what each of you can and cannot do, then stick to the plan so it doesn't consume your lives. Good luck!
My husband and I don't have any interest in the house. To be honest, he has a lot of negative memories there and not a lot of sentimentality about saving his childhood home. I don't see paying the mortgage as getting anything back in the future. I think financial entanglements with family can only bring problems. Future issues I foresee are who put in what, who gets what, what to do with the house, when to sell it, does mom go into IL, etc. As I said, my husband and I don't even have a house of our own. My mother is handicapped, so we care for her while saving up for our own house because it has become too much for my 73 year old dad . That's a whole other ball of wax that will need to be tackled when we do finally move out.
By any chance is she a hoarder?
I'm not sure how much influence you have with your husband, but, I'd try to get him on board as to exploring if she has this condition. Maybe, then, he can come to terms with a long range plan. If he wants to split the cost of the mortgage, he should see an attorney or accountant, because, unless they own the house by deed, then, all that money they are spending is not going to prevent her from selling it without their permission or knowledge or getting their share of the house, if she dies. She could have a Will that leaves the house to someone else. Unless, she's incompetent, she could leave the house to anyone she pleases. There are just so many ways their investment in the house could go south and they'd lose every dime. Plus, with multiple mortgages, he would likely get little to nothing, even if she left him as a beneficiary. Maybe, husband just needs to sit down with a calculator, look at the numbers and get the straight news from a professional.
Depending on just how ill and unable your MIL is, your husband may explore the idea of petitioning the court to be appointed her Guardian. I'd seek legal advice to see what evidence is required. See an experienced litigation attorney who handles Competency cases. Also, ask just what is involved. If appointed Guardian over her fiances and healthcare, he could then sell property and handle her affairs. It sounds like it's a huge job though, based on your description of your MIL. Managing a resistant person who is self destructive would be extremely challenging, imo.
I hope you find some answers. Please post as to how things go.
If you choose to support her I have a feeling you would be on the hook for the rest of her life, which could easily be 25 or more years. Better to let the chips fall where they may... a good son should be expected to look into affordable housing and help her move, not sacrifice his own plans and future to support a lifestyle she can not afford.
REF. THE TAX bill for her property. In some jurisdictions, if the homeowner is disabled, they may qualify for a reduction or complete exemption of property taxes. There is a form for the doctor to complete and file with the Tax assessor's office. I'd explore if her jurisdiction has that option. In NC, it's done through the county, but, it's under a state law.
THANK YOU for the property tax tip. We will look into it.
Check the property tax tip though. I'm not sure if that has asset requirements. It depends on your jurisdiction.
Perhaps, you can appeal to her sense of just going after benefits to get her cooperation on the medical/mental evaluations. She could have more going on with her than her normal mental illness. Sometimes, people develop cognitive decline, on top of the underlying condition, so, I'd try to clear that up. Plus, you could say that she needs to document her physical ailments, get blood tests, urine tests, etc. so she can get the benefits that she's entitled to.
I wish you luck.
Now if someone suggests you move in with her, you have full rights to put your foot down and say NO. Or if they want her to move in with you, say NO. Other than that, stay out of it because you cannot win. Been there.
I feel sorry for people who have mental illnesses. I really do. My heart goes out to MIL. She did not ask for or engineer this disease. It is very unfortunate no one has stepped in and forced the issue of diagnosis and treatment. She shouldn't have been raising children with this untreated disease! If the brothers got together and confronted her instead of enabling her that MIGHT be worth the effort.
In spite of feeling sorry for her, I don't see how it would be an improvement to pull her sons into her misery.
My mother lived on $800 a month SS. She lived in a comfortable subsidized senior apartment, she bought her clothes at thrift stores. She went with her sister to Bingo nights for entertainment. She was content. It really is possible if one is careful. Your MIL has options other than relying on her boys. Your husband's role should be to help her discover the options and help her implement them. Help her sell her furniture? Yes! Help her apply for senior housing? Yes! Help her move? Absolutely! Pay for her to stay in an untenable situation? No, no. no!
Stand your ground, dear. This is very sad. But it is Not Your Fault.
I've been a caregiver to 3 relatives one passed at 101, another at 98 and the 3rd is 100. If your MIL reaches those ages, how can the sons pay out all of those sums for 38 years?? What a mess, chin up- As long as you and your husband are in sync, you will be able to tough it out.
Hi everyone. I promised to update, so here I am. The situation hasn't changed. My MIL is still in the same situation she was in before; refuses to sell her house, but is growing more desperate. Her ex-boyfriend started sending her money to meet her bills because she was calling him nonstop, but he recently stopped when things went sour between them. They are no longer speaking, and he is no longer sending money. She has enough for 4 more months of bills.
Of course, now my husband's brothers are getting more involved (from out-of-state) at the last minute. One has secured a retail job and the other has seasonal work, so they have a little bit of income. They keep repeating, "We can't let her lose the house!" but my husband and I disagree. Unless one of us wants to buy the house, paying the mortgage makes no sense. The house has no equity, and my MIL can't afford it on her own. The brothers are now suggesting that we all pay $400/month to float her until we can sell it. However, MIL refuses to sell the house. I can't help but feel that if we start paying, there will be no end in sight.
My husband is considering going to therapy over this situation because we've been so stressed about it. We barely have enough money to save up ourselves. He is torn by guilt in saying No he won't pay, and consumed with anger and regret if he does end up paying.
Any advice I can pass on to him on how to handle this?
Second, while we may thing we deserve a certain way of life, we are not entitled to have this as the expense of others.
Third, I get where you're coming from on the Italian family thing. I'm not generalizing, just coming from my own experience with this. The mindset in my family is that the kids are expected to care for Ma in whatever manner Ma needs, and they are quite vocal about what OTHER people should do to achieve this. That doesn't mean that they will provide any help, just a lot of criticism and direction. Sons are expected to pay the bills, daughters to provide the hands on everything else. You aren't going to change the way the uncles think or the brothers' caving in to FOG. Your husband will have to state over and over that it's not possible for him to subsidize his mom's life.
I really feel for you two and the pressure you're under - we've been dealing with the family for 3 decades right now and still hearing "yeah, but..." And I agree with Pam, that since you're not blood, you have no standing. In my family, the "not blood" person gets the rap if the spouse says no. But that's much better than putting your own family in a financially precarious position. Good luck and hugs to you.