How do I handle my mother-in-law making up stories about me?

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How do I handle my mother-in-law making up stories about me?

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Hi. My wife passed away in March of 2015. I am still close to her side of the family and will talk to her mother every couple of weeks. Today, my brother-in-law (my wife's brother) called me to tell me that my mother-in-law told him that I told her I am divorcing myself from that side of the family, no longer want to see her and am going to bars looking for a new wife. I never said anything of the sort. This is coming right out of the blue. I have always been cordial to her.

I have to admit that I limit my visits because she always talks about depressing subjects and repeats herself constantly. I know her accusing me is the dementia talking but I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

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HowardD, you are most likely right. There's no telling what stories will be invented or changed in the brains of someone with dementia. The best you can do is let your BIL know it's not true. I hope this doesn't break down the relationships you have with your in-laws. Dementia can tear families apart. Communicating with each other about what is going home can help prevent it from happening. Try not to get mad at your MIL. It's hard not to get mad, I know. Some of the inventions and revisions that go on in their minds can hurt.

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That should be "going on," instead of "going home." I think I'm getting a touch demented myself. I keep typing wrong words. :)

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Confabulation {This is a frequent re-post by me because the subject is very important} It seems that Alzheimer's world is fraught with confabulation speak. The general public doesn't understand Alzheimer's they certainly need to be educated regarding Confabulation.

In psychology, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.

Key factors in confabulations are there is no intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false.
Be aware confabulating is distinct from lying.

Confabulations are a major annoyance and can be dangerous— when we the take everything in a discussion at face value. Confabulating is very frequently observed in people with Alzheimer’s.

Confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive, and the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false. Carers challenge: is what they say true?

It is difficult for everyone to accept a mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease.

Not only is memory damaged their ability to process thoughts and conversations is impaired.

Understand the similarities between confabulation and delusions; e.g., both involve the production of unintentional false statements, both are resistant to contradictory evidence.

Recognize the difference between confabulations and delusions that are frequently observed in Alzheimer’s patients include beliefs about theft, the patient’s house not being his home, a spouse, is an impostor, belief an intruder is in the house, abandonment, spousal infidelity, and paranoia.

An aide/caregiver must understand the individual has Alzheimer's Disease, be aware of the danger, and treat the person with patience. Also, Confabulation is common.
Conversing with someone who has Alzheimer's is often like talking with your cat. Acknowledge, respond, be affectionate, develop boundless patience. Forget about rational responses.

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Make sure your in-laws know it isn't true but they probably shouldn't try to argue (it seems like the more you talk about a subject that has been invented the more it becomes TRUTH), and try to have positive interactions with her. Bring her cookies, keep your visits very short (I was in the neighborhood with these cookies) and try not to get irritated with the repetitions. Maybe she will forget about the "divorce" next.

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but otoh, sometimes people try to make other people think that's what's going on when it isn't by discrediting the credibility of the person who's learned the truth

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I have this same problem with my sister; saying things about me that are not true. I just went to the people that matter to me and set the record straight. Anyone else, I just let them think what they want. It's been my experience that people want to believe the bad before they will the good. Just don't let this situation take away your self-confidence like it did mine. Malicious words are not worth it.

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In dementia, you never what story the patient will come up. My aunt seemed to really have it in for my sister's husband, which she didn't before the dementia happened. When she was told she broke her eye socket in a fall at home, she refused to believe that she fell but "IF I did fall, it was only because (the brother-in-law) pushed me!" Also you won't believe this but she said my brother-in-law was leading the gay pride parade this year in my cousin's hometown. I mean, the stories were incredibly inventive! Hopefully your other family members will understand that they need to take her stories with a grain of salt. Good luck.

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wordscribe, I am still laughing. You aunt should be a star on TV. :-) Poor BIL. It does sound like the perfect comedy plot for a sitcom.

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Oh JessieBelle, my aunt was something else! She passed away in January at age 92. She became quite vicious to me after I took responsibility for putting her in the nursing home. Even though I am married for over a decade, she told my sister she couldn't believe I just got married "after all this time!" Then she said to me "well enjoy your marriage while it lasts"!!!

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HowardD you are witnessing the first signs of dementia in your mother-in-law. I remember my MIL accusing me of stealing her spaghetti and was quite nasty about it. Talk with your wife's brother and inform him of your suspicions and suggest he get her to a geriatric neurologist. It will save a lot of back tracking on your part. The "he said, she said" never ends well, unless you record everything you say to her. I am sorry for your loss.

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Howard, like they habe all said...its the Dementia. Hope her family members understand what is going on. I understand with my Mom, but it is still upsetting when she thinks I and my brother r conspring against her. And, that I'm being held responsible for my brothers not doing this and that. As the oldest, I put up with this when I lived home. Sure don't feel like making sure my brothers visit or call. They r 56 and 60.

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I am not saying this to be glib:

Thank God every day that this is not your real mother, that she still has a living child, and that you are not responsible for her.

There are very few stories here with a silver lining: yours is one of them. You can walk away. Stay in touch with the brother or anyone else if you care to. Focus on yourself and the rest of your life.

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It sounds like you're already on the right path by limiting your visits. I personally wouldn't visit her at all, (but that's just me). What you need now is the support of people who know you best and know the real truth, those are the people you really want to talk to. What I personally would do if I personally was in a situation is immediately confront the situation as soon as I heard it start. Regardless of whether or not the person is I found mine doesn't matter to me, I hate being lied on and I just won't tolerate it no matter who it is. If you only knew the abusive background I had to live through many years, you'd understand the reason why I am the way I am because I just can't stand when people make up stories about me. I've already been in your shoes to some extent or another because there have been people even in my town who have gossiped about me behind my back, so I understand. Yes, people would rather do it behind your back rather than to your face because I know you'll stand up to them, so again, yes I understand what it is to have stories made up about me. This is also why I can honestly say you're already on the right path of protecting yourself through limiting your visits. Again, I personally wouldn't even visit at all in that situation. I would just turn to my support network and even to God in prayer because it really helps to talk about what hurts at the time it does. Don't let that hurt build up or you'll only end up exploding later, and trust me when I say this, it's really true. Don't just suck it up and move on without dealing with the hurtful issue. Think of it as getting sand in your eyes, you wouldn't just leave it there, you'd immediately get it out, which is what you should do whenever something hurts you emotionally. Don't let those hurts stay in you like smoldering rags because again, it will only cause a fire later in the form of an anger explosion. Another thing I must advice is don't go through this alone, there's power in numbers! Let your support network help you deal with the problem and the person causing the problem, don't go it alone, get help.

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Tell the BIL it's all fabrication. I am surprised that he's listened to it. As far as the repeating of things/stories=MOST ELDERS DO IT!

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I can see how these things happen, Howard, because I see them a good bit. MIL has a thought that after her daughter is gone, then you won't be around so much. She will miss you. Then she imagines that you told her that you weren't. Then she tells someone and they say that it sounds like you're divorcing that side of the family. She remembers this and tells people you said this. The only grain of truth to the story was the loss of your wife (her daughter). The rest was invented in her mind and became "real" conversations. She probably doesn't even know that she invented the story herself by now. In my mother's case when she fabricates a story it becomes the new truth, replacing all truths that existed before it.

Chances are she'll forget her new truth over time or it will be replaced. That is the way it always happens with my mother. The only concern is to make sure that the fabricated stories don't cause any harm. That can be prevented by good communication -- something it sounds like you have with your in-laws.

BTW, when someone has dementia, time gets distorted. You might come over one day and the next day MIL will think you haven't been there for weeks. Maybe that is going on and made her think you were distancing yourself, leading to the thinking she had about you divorcing, etc. We never know what goes on in the mind when truth and sense of time is distorted.

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I don't think you should visit her at all. Next time she will say you sexually assaulted her or beat her or both.

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I gave up defending myself against the warped minds of family members. The people who could see things more realistically have all died and what is left are people who gather together and feed off of one another's ignorance. If they can agree on something so it is the undisputed truth. A growing problem I have is the repercussions of dealing with this. Without support I feel like a villain and walk around feeling like a bad person. It creeps into my relationships outside the family. It effects my ability to take care of my father and to perform my job at work. I think you need a support group or see a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist.

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Addional...

I am speaking of the one with dementia and anyone who would accept what anyone else says as truth without looking for the truth and drawing conclusions using their own mind.

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so is your dad telling these people things about you?

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Sometimes. My father walled himself off from the family. He has never been self-aware. I know him better than he knows himself. I know why he perceives things the way he does. He has mistaken the attention he is receiving for his health as interest in his point of view. An estranged sibling who has been particularly troublesome eats up anything negative about other family members.

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Sorry for your loss. As far as your current problem, the best way I know is to live your life in a manner that no one would believe bad stories about you. If you feel the need, you could tell the family you are not doing those things but I would not bring up/trash the liar in any way.

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Both of my parents are in their early 90's and they both have advanced dementia.
My father is in a Veterans Home and I live with my mother. Daddy sometimes thinks about things that aren't true, like people stealing. However, Mother invents or reinvents anything and everything on a regular basis. It is part of the process of aging. We have learned to take what she says and let it slide on by. As long as the family understands that what your MIL is saying has very little basis in reality in will be much easier for each of you.

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Michael, his sibling or yours?

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Debdaughter, the estranged sibling is my sister.

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This is an ongoing problem with my 80 year old mother also....everyone familiar with dementia tells me to "not take it to heart" and "remember how she one was" but sometimes it is very difficult to be on the receiving end of an endless barrage of untruths. I especially loved the answer regarding "confabulations". When my mother's driver's license was in taken away, according to

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continuation of post....When my mother's driver's license was taken away (for driving through someone's yard and erratic behavior), mom told everyone who would listen that I was in "co-hoots" with the police to get her license taken away. I believe that she is angry about her condition and needs to blame someone for the problems she is having.....it might as well be me because, no matter what, I will always love her! When she has times that I am in her good graces, she is extremely complimentary of me....I've learned to really appreciate the good days and let not take the bad days so personally!

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My 81 year old mom with Alzheimer's does the same thing...whenever she cannot find something, it is because (name) took it. The only thing you can do is keep in touch with the in-laws; they should know not to believe her because she is likely saying the same type of things about them; always be nice and bring a treat or card when you visit. And if you do find another person whom you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, good for you!

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Right people gonna believe the bad first with my
Mil even though it was all documented her lies on me thru home health and docs the family still chooses to believe her thank God I made sure all was on proper record

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Paraphrasing one of my favorite contributors to knowledge network groups
Attorney at law Kevin P. Keane:
"records not reduced to writing, are NOT worth the paper they ain't written on".

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so, Michael, what exactly is your role with your dad?

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How do I handle my mother-in-law making up stories about me?

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