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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Thank you cherokeegrrl, that means a lot to me!! I briefly visited my mother at 5:30pm but told my mother at 6:00pm I had to get ready for work. She didn’t want me to go. She was fine. No shortness of breath. She just wanted company. I told her I had to go and left. My older son called my mother at 8pm and said the EMTs were at her house AGAIN!! I stayed put at work. She didn’t call me anyway.
"Hoarding", like beauty is in the mind of the beholder. Obviously, you and your mother have very different ideas of where the border lies between hoarding and saving valuable (to her) memories. My own mother has saved things for decades that I would have tossed a day or two after receiving them (greeting cards from car salesmen, the congressman, etc.). Nevertheless, they are HER memories, and HER belongings. Leave them alone.
My sisters and I would have loved to clear out much of Mom's junk 15 or 20 years ago. We are very much aware that the longer she lives- and the older we get - the more difficult it will be for us to clear out that stuff. Nevertheless, she does have a right to keep whatever stuff she finds valuable to HER. These old things have no intrinsic value but they remind Mom that she has lived a full life. I am not sure, but I think that she finds some comfort in the quantity of stuff she has accumulated in a life that featured some very lean years and very real needs.
Also bear in mind that if you remove even one thing, you will be accused (properly) of stealing from her. This will not improve your relationship at all. Your only course of action must be to accept that as long as she is able to stay in her own home, she is in charge of it. If you can't stand it, stay out of it. When you want to visit with Mom, pick her up and take her for a ride or for lunch.
I agree with geaton about a therapist. Not for your mother but for YOU!!! You can’t change your mother. She’s a hoarder with a mental illness. A therapist won’t help her because she sees nothing wrong with hoarding. See a therapist for YOU!! That’s what I had to do. So I don’t make her crises, my crises. She won’t change. But you can change how you react to her. Your mother is not going to accept any help from a therapist unless SHE WANTS HELP.
Personally, I would not live with someone who is a hoarder. I would let mom live in her hoarded house all by herself. Having said that. You said she has dementia. I personally would move out, not bring other family members in the house, call APS and call her doctor. Somebody would be able to help her in the home or have her go to a facility because of the dementia. Dementia is the key word here. My mother is competent (another key word) so there is nothing you can do about a hoarding person if they are competent. But your mother can receive all kinds of help without you there, because she has dementia. Don’t put yourself through this or other family members. It’s hell. I know. Been there, done that. If you decide to stay there and you have other family members coming in to live there, then leave her room alone. There is nothing you can do about her hoarding. Leave her room alone. There will be endless fights if you try to throw out one piece of paper!! Your young. Your only 52 years old with already a stressful job. Leave her room alone if you want to live with her in any kind of harmony.
You say "her room". Does this mean she has a room in assisted living? A room in your home? It is important to know before attempting to answer. Hoarding falls under mental health issues more than under Alzheimer's. So unless your Mom is adjudged incompetent, OR is living in YOUR home (which of course means you have control) I fear there is little you can do.
It's mother's home. OP works there (at her real job) during the day, keeping an eye on mother, and returns to her own home at night. Remodelling to the house is going on for grandchild + spouse to move in in due course and add another strut to the support structure. It's all on the profile.
At the end of the day this is her home and moving in and taking charge and changing everything is going to be problematic.
Has anyone asked her how she feels or what she wants? If she likes the hoard she will not respond well to all the changes. She is still a person with rights and choices, please honor that.
It is unlikely she will notice if you take out trash from her junk collection on a regular basis, a little at a time. If she notices, just claim ignorance.
Unless the hoarding is at a dangerous stage, I wouldn't worry about it. We all have our differences in our ways.
If the hoarding has gotten dangerous where you actually can't get around, arrange for someone to go thru her stuff and clean up while she's away out eating, ect.
I don't think you should throw her things out just because you don't like the untidiness.
Moving in, and bringing even more family into the madhouse, is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Put her in a facility, or leave her to her fate. Don't make her problems your own.
The reason I'm puzzled is that if this is her room, she IS using it. No?
I can't help noticing on your profile that you are undergoing a partial remodelling of your mother's home so that the family can provide more long-term, live-in support for her.
So... are you trying to clear out a room that she is actually in, with her beady eyes looking daggers at you? Or are you trying to clear out a different room but anxious that, like Smaug, she will recollect only too well how many back issues of the National Enquirer were stacked in there?
It’s her bedroom in her house that she used to use. She’s got so much stuff in there now that it’s virtually unusable. She now sleeps on the couch in the living room. She is mentally incapacitated so she cannot take care of herself. She rarely bathes, can't take her own medications, can’t pay bills, wears the same clothes for over a week at a time, can’t drive, and hardly eats unless we feed her. My son and his wife offered to move in there so there would be more support for her, in addition to me being there during the day for work. She doesn’t like to be alone. My dad (her husband) just passed away in November. I wanted to clean out her room and make it more organized so she a place to keep her things and she could actually use the room and sleep in there. She’s got kitchen items in there, empty containers, dishes, trash, an extraordinary amount of clothes throughout the entire house, not just in her room. I worry that the cohabitation with my son and his wife won’t work out if she is unwilling to get rid of anything. The kitchen will need to be cleaned out so there is adequate room for everyone’s food, dishes, etc. I was hoping to put off placing her in a home for a good amount of time for financial reasons. I worry about her outliving her money because we won’t be able to afford the cost of a nursing home. If this cohabitation idea doesn’t work, placing her into a home is going to become necessary.
I have the same issue with my mother-in-law that I care for 24/7. I just started removing little hits everyday. She didn't miss anything and is less confused with less clutter. I even stopped giving her mail as she gets at least 5 pieces of junk mail contest items daily, they go straight to the shredder, she only gets magazines or mail from family and friend's. Everytime a new magazine comes I take away the old! I hope this helps.
Hoarding is a mental illness and a very common problem in the elderly. It is often triggered by a traumatic event. Cleaning up her room will only mean she will find ways to fill it up again. If she has dementia, she may not be a candidate for therapy, which is absolutely necessary to address the underlying issues causing the hoarding behavior. So, please go into this living arrangement with your eyes wide open. Do you want to be battling her hoarding behaviors during the day while you're trying to work? Do you want your child and their family to be exposed to this drama? I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just advising that you maybe invest a little money and consult with a therapist who works with elderly hoarders FIRST so you know what you're signing up for. I hope your multi-generational home can become a peaceful reality. But please do speak with an expert first.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My sisters and I would have loved to clear out much of Mom's junk 15 or 20 years ago. We are very much aware that the longer she lives- and the older we get - the more difficult it will be for us to clear out that stuff. Nevertheless, she does have a right to keep whatever stuff she finds valuable to HER. These old things have no intrinsic value but they remind Mom that she has lived a full life. I am not sure, but I think that she finds some comfort in the quantity of stuff she has accumulated in a life that featured some very lean years and very real needs.
Also bear in mind that if you remove even one thing, you will be accused (properly) of stealing from her. This will not improve your relationship at all. Your only course of action must be to accept that as long as she is able to stay in her own home, she is in charge of it. If you can't stand it, stay out of it. When you want to visit with Mom, pick her up and take her for a ride or for lunch.
Has anyone asked her how she feels or what she wants? If she likes the hoard she will not respond well to all the changes. She is still a person with rights and choices, please honor that.
If the hoarding has gotten dangerous where you actually can't get around, arrange for someone to go thru her stuff and clean up while she's away out eating, ect.
I don't think you should throw her things out just because you don't like the untidiness.
It shouldn't be done unless it is a danger.
In what way?
The reason I'm puzzled is that if this is her room, she IS using it. No?
I can't help noticing on your profile that you are undergoing a partial remodelling of your mother's home so that the family can provide more long-term, live-in support for her.
So... are you trying to clear out a room that she is actually in, with her beady eyes looking daggers at you? Or are you trying to clear out a different room but anxious that, like Smaug, she will recollect only too well how many back issues of the National Enquirer were stacked in there?