6 years ago, my mother asked me to move in with her because it would be a “win win” for both of us. She would have a caregiver and I would save money. I’m a single mom, with a good job paying for sons college by myself. So I didn’t really need to move in. It was a mutual choice. At first it was ok. She was easy- ish to get along with. We split cost of house needs ie, cable, heat, repairs. Then, not a big surprise, she started with her anger, criticism, judging my life choices etc. I was 56 at the time. It became so bad after a year that I rented an Airbnb 5 miles away. It’s a friends and the rent is unbelievably low and it’s private with my own bathroom. The routine became, I work, go over to moms and make dinner and we watch tv. Then I go home. On weekends we do more. The problem is, she gets extremely angry at me weekly, and with her Dementia increasing she can stay furious for days on end. I never know when she’s going to let me have it. She is now 90 and I’m 63 and she now has a huge problem with my being in my own place. Even though I see her every day. She wants me to move back in with her. I said “ mom, you get mad so frequently, I can’t.” Her answers is “well if you’d behave I wouldn’t.” I cannot live with the woman.she never wanted to go into any kind of assisted living and she’s lonely in her own house. On top of seeing her everyday (when she’s not angry) I have taken her to doctors appointments- too many to count, shop for her, do her bills, take care of her taxes, help her find lost items etc etc etc. my question is…..
What is expected of a non paid family caregiver? I feel that I’m going above and beyond. I hardly have a social life, I don’t date- and I’m still pretty attractive. I’m worn out. She’s constantly telling me that I don’t do enough for her and brings up the “ after all I’ve done for you” starting with my birth. I told her that I too raised a child and i would like him to have his own life. I raised my voice to her a couple times and she won’t let me forget it. This is just an awful situation. My sister is estranged from the family and won’t lift a finger. She hates my mother and wants nothing to do with her. What is enough to do for a mother? What is enough?
* You need to set boundaries for your own mental / emotional / psychological and spiritual health.
* Decide on how often you want to see her and keep to it. Perhaps once a week, twice a week? Once every other week? The point here is that need to learn who you are - in relation to yourself and in relation to her.
- And be clear on what you will and will not do. Write a list, read it to her and leave her a copy. Perhaps you'll take her shopping or to a medical appt once a week? Perhaps you will do her taxes. Consider how much time you want to provide, 2 hours? 4 hours? 1/2 a day? If I were you, I'd take a long break and think about these things.
* Why do you feel it is your duty to do 'all you do,' and then take her abuse?
- as long as you allow this behavior from her, she will continue. (I do understand that this is a 'life-line' pattern of behavior). You have to stop it if you want any resemblance of a quality, peace-filled life.
* Sounds like you need a long vacation from her (like a month). Tell her you are arranging a caregiver to be there, and if she wants (and pay for) care 24/7, that all of her needs will be taken care of.
- Tell her you need a break. Don't explain. You do not owe her any explanation besides "I need time to myself... or I need to get away." Then, stick to it. Don't accept her phone calls or whatever she may do to change your mind.
* You are allowing this woman - mother of not - to abuse you. It is time that you stop and find yourself, and find some peace. Only you can change. She won't.
I sense your sister is in self-preservation mode (or initially survival mode) and where I hope you'll be heading - and soon. You don't have to 'hate' her to set boundaries. Instead, be compassionate in realizing she mental-cognitive issues and perhaps cannot help herself. Although I've seen clients of mine with anger issues (and dementia) and when I set limits, she DID change their behavior towards me ... although they (she) wouldn't until I set my boundaries. I threatened to leave. BUT don't 'wait' for your mother to change. Get out yesterday.
That your sister flew the coop doesn't mean that all the responsibility is on you.
It isn't. It is on your mom.
If she has financial means, she can manage. If she doesn't, she can get gov't assistance. And, she'll bitch, scream have temper tantrums and on and on ... (let her get it out... and you leave the house when she does). She'll want her own way, as she's been able to manipulate likely for her entire life, and yours.
Its time you decide you deserve a life without the abuse you've ALLOWED YOURSELF TO BE subjected to. She can't 'behave' as she is if you aren't there. The saying is 'you teach someone how to treat you.' You have and now you need to re-teach.
Take a long break and get a perspective that you need - that you can only get when away from the situation and for a reasonable amount of time. I believe what you have been subjected to could take years to heal although you need to stop putting yourself in the line of fire.
Gena / Touch Matters
Also remember that she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. What I mean is, she may not remember that you get mad as often as you remember getting mad. Also the judgement and criticism is based on what she remembers, which may not be accurate. That might help take a little bit of the sting away from you regarding her critical and judgemental behavior.
It might be time to start your research into Assisted Living or Memory Care options for your Mom. That way, you will be able to recognize that you do have an out and get back to being her daughter instead of her slave.
Save yourself.
Seriously, stop.
You and I are close in age. Except my mother is 98. Want to keep doing this for another 8 years?
Let me be direct: This is only going to get worse before it gets better. No matter how much I did it was never enough. My mother would rage at me morning, noon and night. Our houses were next door and she had a key so she could pound on our bedroom door at 4am if she felt like it. When I refused to leave our house (where I live with my husband and 3 school-age kids, dogs, cat) to live with her 24/7, she threatened, then tried to kill herself. Fortunately she wrote an angry suicide note and I was able to use it to get her out of here, first to a hospital, then respite care, and a full assessment was arranged.
You may have to step back, let her crash and burn, in order to get her into care.
If you don’t, she will consume every moment of your life.
You are at a crossroad. You cannot make her happy. So focus on making her safe. YOU CANNOT DO BOTH.
I am about to go visit my mother. It’s easier now because she as no idea who I am, so I am no longer the target of her rage. She’s sweet to the staff and strangers.
But I am still resentful of all the time I wasted trying to meet her demands, foolishly thinking she’d become kinder and appreciative the harder I worked. I should have been enjoying my own life with my husband and kids.
Can you imagine yourself telling your son to give up his life in order to wait on you? No? Why is it ok for her to expect that of you?
It sounds cruel, but, unless you are content to be tied to her literally 24/7, start distancing yourself now. It may take a crisis to get her competency assessed. Mothers’ dependency sneaks up on you. My mother considered herself perfectly capable. And I was selfish because I didn’t want to do more with her. Refused to see she NEEDED help. She WANTED help. The assessor said she didn’t know her town, her grandkids, the year, her birthday... You and I enabled our mothers to live “independently” far beyond what their own skills would allow.
I hate confrontation and was raised that my mother was perfect. (covert narc) Standing up to her was incredibly difficult. But you must do it. We have been conditioned our entire lives to cater to them. Tough cycle to break.
Soon she will demand that you leave your job for her. She may harass you at work until you’re fired. Then what?
Again, you cannot make her happy. So focus on making her safe. YOU CANNOT DO BOTH.
And assign more value to yourself.
Obviously, the answer is different for everyone and there is no one right answer. The only "right" answer is that of the person being asked to do the caregiving. What the "asker" wants is perhaps not irrelevant, but not determinative. You can always ask for something, but nobody has a right to demand it.
Also much depends on the behavior of the person doing the asking. I'm about your age and my mother is a bit younger than yours. My own mother was loving, but fairly strict and demanding as I was growing up. She expected a lot of me, including becoming independent and self-supporting at a young age (I paid for my own college and living expenses from then on). I did so. Now, as an adult daughter of my 85 year old mother (who has physical limitations but is still "with it" mentally), I expect her to plan for her own old age and carry out those plans with emotional support from me, but not extensive physical caregiving or financial support. If she were abusive to me now or in the past, the emotional support might not be there. If I'd been dependent on her in some way as an adult, I might feel more obligated in other ways. Just as an example of my thinking.
I think you are the one to decide what level and what type of support you can provide to your mom. Her expectations don't sound realistic to me. "I wouldn't be abusive if you'd behave"??? A non-starter for me.
In previous posts, you also state that she has "narcissistic temper issues" and "bipolar." You first wrote on this forum back in the later part of 2021. Have you done anything to improve your situation since then?
Your mother has no in-home help, correct? You mention you cook her dinner every day. Do you also do all of the cleaning?
What is her financial situation? Are you POA/HCPOA? I take it she is still legally mentally competent?
Is she alone during the day while you are working? Do you spend all weekend with her (except sleeping at her house)? What is the plan for when she can no longer be alone?
Are you willing to start decreasing all the help you give her and times you see her? You apparently weren't in 2021 when you last wrote. Are you willing to do it now?
What's going to happen when she needs someone with her all of the time?
She has years of experience manipulating you. Set firm deadlines and don’t negotiate or quibble. Someone raised by such a mother might snap if provoked. I’m not even joking.
You don’t have to do hands on care or household chores or even taxes to see that someone’s care is in place. You only need look to professionals that offer those services.
Consider that you might have a bit of the martyr complex. Maybe all caregivers do? Get a therapist and dig deep to release yourself from the compulsion to sacrifice your own happiness.
Under the current dynamics you won’t be able to provide the care you would wish for her. In a couple of years you might be able to do more but I wouldn’t count on it. It takes years to get over abuse.
My nieces husband, age 68 had a first ever seizure after coming in from a usual 40 mile bike ride. Hospitalized and found a brain lesion. We in the family all shocked, saddened and dismayed, a few days later we get word that my brother, 65, had died of a heart attack. He had no known heart issues. Since then NIL has been diagnosed with a glioblastoma. He turned 69 while in the hospital. That’s just in my own family over the past 30 days. Both these men still doing important work and vital to their families. People in our age group have things happen…ready or not. We don’t all make it to 90 or even 70.
You are at the age where you must do what is important to you. To put you first doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother. It doesn’t mean you are less of a person. It means you value yourself and your life.
You can’t save your mom from her disappointment that she wasn’t able to make you her creature. She brought that on herself. It is hers to deal with. Something in her life made her think she was right to control you. She got that part wrong albeit at 90 she almost got away with it.
Once you make your decision and try it on for awhile you will know that you don’t have to be angry or justify yourself to anyone. Look at moving to the AB&B as step one. Resigning from daily care can be step two. I think since she is so bitter about step one, you can’t hope for too much on the appreciation scale. Just know that whatever you do for her is your choice and not at her command. You are the only one who can make a difference. Own that.
You are going above and beyond and for what? To be hollered at and made to feel like a 5 year old child?
I would first set the ground rules of just going over once during the week after work, and one day over the weekend. You just let her know that that will have to be good enough, as you have a life too, and have other things to do. And you don't have to share what those other things are, even if it's just relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath in the evening.
And if that gets to be too much, then you cut it back to once a week, or every other week.
You're going to have to put your big girl panties on and quit letting your mother rule what you do and don't do. You DO have a say in this matter. And your mental health depends on it.
You are too young to be giving up your life for a woman who clearly doesn't appreciate anything you do for her, and if she truly has dementia, that will only continue to get worse.
If your mother requires more help than you're willing to give, she's going to have to hire some caregivers(with her money)to come and assist her. And if she can't afford it, she can apply for Medicaid.
So once you cut back on your time spent with her, you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves(if she chooses not to hire outside help)and they will come out and do an assessment and proceed from there.
Stand strong and take your life back! Your mother has had hers, now it's time for you to have yours.
Are you the POA?
Is your Mom diagnosed with dementia?
If neither of those things are true, or have been done, there is little you can do but stop living with your Mom and choose to reclaim having your own life. Leave her the phone number of 911 for emergencies. Ask for a wellness check from APS, and make a life for yourself.
I don't see other options, do you? It's either stay or go unless mom is suffering from dementia, and you are POA and can put her in an infacility placement.
I sure wish you the best and hope others might have better suggestions for you.