Should I move my mom across country so she can die at home?
My 89 year old mom has end stage Alzheimer's and has recently begun receiving Hospice care. We brought her over 1000 miles on the train more than 2 yrs ago to be here so we could care for her, but lately my husband and I have been thinking - for a lot of reasons - about taking her home now.
She still owns her home (since 1949). Her grandaughter has kept the place up.
Other than us, what is left of her family is 'back home'.
Hospice said they would handle transfering her care to the facility there.
Taking Mom home would mean she could die in her own bed, and without all the hoopla and expense of using two funeral homes and air transports. It would be a relatively simple matter to get her to the family plot where she'll be buried beside her parents and my dad.
I don't think taking her home on Amtrak is ideal. We'd have arrange the 'handicap sleeping car' weeks to months in advance and I don't know how much time she has. And we'd have to drive an hour to the station, and then again another two hours once we reached our destination.
Taking her in the car woudn't work because she needs to lie down. Same thing on an airline (I would never subject her to traveling by air these days).
Medical transport? I'd have to rob a bank for that. Even the least expensive ground transport I came across cost over 5K.
So - I am thinking of renting a small RV - this is what medical transport company uses for their 'basic' package. Fold out the bed, add some additional padding, find a way to 'belt her in'. The trip is about 13 hours with stops, and husband and I can take turns driving.
A very preliminary look indicates i can rent one of these RV's for a week for less than $1500 + gas. We could drive down in a day, get Mom situated, (have to figure out whether to have a new hospital bed there or transport the one she has now) and husband can return the RV well wthin the week.
Additionally, we can transport more safely the elderly cats at the same time once I figure out the best way to secure them. (They don't do well in cars, and I've been worried about them surviving such a long trip).
Any input, suggestions, other ideas?
12 Answers
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And God bless you and your family.
Mom is not doing well - its like she's gone from 60 to zero in the last 10 days and now every day she is worse. But maybe thats just my perception, maybe it just seems that way to me, as I have never been this intimately involved with dying before - not like this. Perhaps its like shifting into low gear and staying there for awhile and I'm just not used to it. Earlier my husband had gone up to bed and then twenty minutes later he came down asking "Is that your Mom? Was she yelling?" No. Not yelling anymore. He said he swore he could hear her as he was drifing off to sleep. OK I'm exhaustred and its tomorrow so down for one last look at Mom and then off to bed. Thanks again all - oh - sorry - the plan was to accomplish this by months end. It will be hard to do any quicker. I'm wondering now if we will have time. Kisses
as for hospital bed , u shall talk to hospices , they should contact one up where ure going and have a bed set up there . and have a hospice s stand by and ready for ya . as for elder cats , put em in cage with thier fav pillow or whatever and keep the cage covered , that make should make em comfertable .
bobbie has done that to her mom . many tousand miles away i think they took the plane and hired a nanny to go with em . may want to ask bob how she did it . her mom died at her own home and in her bed .
what you said about renting one of the speical van that is also a great idea . yes you ll need a third person . me and my daughter it was hard but we did it and im the one drove the entire time . made it home just in time for ice storm , whew !
hope it all works out for you .. xoxo
I hope you have a third person with you, but I know you'll make this happen as safely and smoothly as possible.
I will let Mom share the expense to get her home, as we can't afford all of it. I would never ask my brothers - they wouldn't respond anyway.
Whether or not she will 'know' she is home - who knows? It just seems like the right thing to do.
I am hoping one of my daughters may make the trip with us - but its not a bad drive and I've made it a dozen times.
The cats can't be medicated - just make the trip as stress-free as possible.
Is your mother aware enough of her surrounding so that where she is will make an impression on her? I guess that isn't something we can know. Whatever her outward response, we still can't know her inward reactions.
If you can manage this, it will be an awesome final act of love. With hospice lined up at the other end, and perhaps taking a comfort kit on the road with you, it sounds like you have thought this out well.
The only thing I have to suggest is if at all possible it would be worthwhile to have a third person with you. Two people to share the driving and one to attend to Mother's needs. I'm afraid for your ability to rest when you are not driving. You don't need to add more stress to the situation.
I don't know about traveling with elderly cats, but I'll bet a local vet could give you good advice on that.
Even if you can't make this work, I applaud the effort you are going to in trying to provide this for Mother and for the relatives back home. Hugs to you, your husband, the hospice staff, and your dear mother.
Good idea