I moved in with my folks to help care for my Mom. I work full time but after work and weekends am expected to "take over" all care. Fair?

I think you'll hear from several people who have moved in with their elderly parent(s). I know they're out there.

It sounds like you got more than you bargained for with this arrangement and your dad sounds very "stubborn, demanding, and difficult".

I know you know it's good for your mom to still participate in activities of daily living such as stirring food or tossing a salad. There's no need to serve her at this stage and she would probably feel better about herself in doing things for herself. But you know all of this already. The problem here is your dad.

If he's an "It's my way or the highway" type of guy I'd consider that highway. As the Alzheimer's progresses your life in this house will get smaller and smaller and smaller. You can't (and why are we saying that you "can't"?? you're an adult!) even go to church anymore. You are prohibited from doing things that you enjoy and the longer you stay there the worse it will get. Everyone here will attest to that. You and your mom are under your dad's thumb now and he's going to control this situation by God! (I think that's where all of this is coming from with him....lack of control.)

You mentioned in your post that you feel trapped? You are trapped. You look trapped from where I'm sitting.

You said your dad won't consider live-in help? Why should he when he has you? Same with visiting help. That's what you're there for. As far as your dad is concerned your responsibility is evenings and weekends. That's what you're there for and as far as he's concerned, that's what you signed up for.

Discussing the future in these situations is difficult, granted, but that's what adults do, they discuss things that are difficult. That your dad refuses to discuss the future tells me he's probably in shock and denial which feeds into his need to control everything and everyone around him. This won't get better in time, only worse.

You asked for advice? MOVE OUT. Then help your parents move into an assisted living facility. However, your father is going to have to put on his big boy pants and figure out how to get assistance in helping your mom.

NJCinderella, this situation has so many red flags. I'm actually scared for you. You have given up your life to do this and your dad won't even let you go to church? Who the hell is he?! You're a grownup, you're not a little kid anymore and you can go wherever you want whenever you want. And as your mom deteriorates your dad will become that much more overbearing and impossible, that I can promise you. What happens if your dad gets sick? You'll have both parents to care for.

Moving in with elderly parents to care for one is difficult under the best of circumstances. You haven't even gotten to the really ugly part yet and you're already questioning your decision to move in with your folks. If you stay the price is your life. If you leave you'll still be able to help your mom and since there's no one else willing to do it (like your dad) I'm sure your help will be greatly appreciated.

I hate the thought of you posting here 1 year from now about how depressed and lonely you are, how stressed out you feel and how you would give anything to get just 1 day away. That's where you're headed. And I'm afraid there's no handsome prince in your future if you continue down this road.

I wish you the best, NJCinderella.

P.S. I should have written this in the beginning.

I think you're a wonderful daughter and your parents are very lucky to have you care about them so much.

Eyerishlass...thank you so much for your clarity and support. I was fearful I'd sound "ungrateful" as a daughter and that this was my lot to endure. No one around me seems to feel this is unfair, including a sibling living several states away I've been raised dutifully by guilt so guilt I have when I want some time for myself, if even to read a book, which is nearly impossible because of being at my mother's beck and call from the moment I get home from work.

Its only been 2 months and I'm already getting anxious when its time to leave work. When work becomes my oasis, then I know its bad!

Problem is, I gave up my house in a short sale because I lived so far away from them and it was a down market. Now my credit score has suffered and no one will rent to me. I really painted myself in a corner...My mother always called my dad a controlling and now I understand why. I feel I have very few options at the moment unfortunately. I foolishly thought I was doing the right thing moving in to help. Hindsite is 20/20.

But thank you for your post. It really meant alot.

NJ Cinderella I was exactly in your position. My father passed 15 years ago. I came to Canada from the UK alone in 75 with a job, two suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week so with hard work (often two jobs) to become established.

My mother has had Parkinsons for very many years and a number of strokes, along with increasing dementia. In 09 she could no longer manage alone and totally refused to move close to me "because I like it here and I have sooo many friends" - all lies as I later found out - but she's been a mean, manipulative spiteful narcissist life long and everything had to be all about her.

Stupidly I sold my high rise condo overlooking the lake, quit my well paid job and moved 200km to live in her freezing cold, gloomy basement. I had to get rid of pretty much all my furniture as well because there was no room for it. From that point on I was just a cook, housekeeper and servant, along with picking her up off the floor and running to hospitals, doctors and the ER.. Nothing was ever good enough and she was mentally and emotionally abusive on a daily basis. If I went anywhere I got the devil when I returned. In the evening I'd sit alone and cry, trying to fathom out a way to escape. When my beloved old dog died I had nothing left and considered suicide as the only way out.

In October 2012 she fell at 2 a.m., blood all over the place where she cracked her head and I couldn't get her up so an ambulance was called. It was obvious that she needed professional nursing care 24/7 so she spent a month in hospital while I raced around to find a place in a NH. She moved in there in November 2012 (broken a hip and had another stroke since) and, as POA, I cleared, had renovated and put her house up for sale (running back & forth 100km in winter with a broken foot), the proceeds from which pay for her care.

Even from the NH she continued to suck the life out of me until it was making me ill and I changed my phone number. I visit from time to time to ensure she has all she needs but she's declining rapidly. As I'd spent most of my life avoiding her nastiness I have no regret because I did my duty.

I bought a tiny dilapidated cottage on 2 acres in the country which I'm gradually fixing up. I love it out here but, close to 65, I'm having to start from scratch all over again. Based on my experiences I would say MOVE OUT ASAP! as it will only get worse. When your father finds he can't manage he'll have no choice but to get some outside help. If he's really mean and stubborn he may not and I would suggest you have a chat with a social worker to see what options there are.

NJCinderella, I left everything I had and moved in with my parents over 4 years ago. My marriage had fallen apart, so it made sense. I realize there is no easy solution to your problem. We can think of ways to make it work, but if the ideas are shot down, we are left with where we are -- caregivers, housekeepers, yardmen. Everyone but us is happy with the arrangement.

It is easy to say to leave, but we know that we are the base of the fragile stack of cards. Without us, all the cards would tumble, leaving trouble for everyone. So what do we do? There are no easy answers. We just have to do one small thing at a time.

My mother thought my father should be waited on. She did that until he died two years ago. It was rather sad. He spent the last 20 years of his life looking out a window from his chair. It was so hard to watch him slowly decay while she waited on him.

I know she expects the same thing from me, but I've already let her know that is not going to happen. When she says little things, like she needs water to take her pills, I tell her that she will have to get up and get it. I know that if I start doing the little things, pretty soon she'll be sitting in front of the TV, getting up just long enough to use the bathroom.

I found a good place for my mother, but she is not interested in leaving her house. I can't make her go. I can only go myself, but already know the chain reaction that would cause. I know that it would be hard to advise you what to do other than saying do one small thing at a time and to reserve a lot of your time for yourself. Your dad is no longer the boss of you, even if you're under his roof. He is going to have to realize that, maybe one small step at a time. If your mother won't stand up to him, you're in the unfortunate position of 2 against 1. I know that situation so well. It's hard to do anything when you're the only person that is on your side.

Maybe the first bit of time you can go for is Sunday all day. That way you can attend church and meet people. Friends on the outside make it so much better. Some churches have caregiver support groups. That would also be a good way to pick yourself up. Little things you can do for yourself mean a lot.

Dad may be having issues as well. It sounds like he is desperately trying to maintain control of her health, which is impossible. He may need some anxiolytic medication. Cinderella, you need to put money away so you can afford to move out. Work on the things you CAN fix, your anxiety for starters, and re-establishing your credit score in small increments. Talk to a credit counselor about how to do this. And keep your attendance at church, do not offer Dad the option of you not going. This is as much a refuge as your work, and you need the community of faith to sustain your spirit. Ask the pastor to visit mom if you can. And lastly, get mom's MD to encourage Dad to make Mom get up and move around, ambulation preserves health.

I would suggest you rent an apartment closeby, KEEP your job, visit frequently, as you did offer to help, but do so within the boundaries of what you are willing to do.
Regardless of fairness, when you live in someone else's home, you live by their rules It is unfair to think that you can wait on someone all the time other than you work hours, but it will only get more demanding and she will eventually require 24 hour care.

Your dad is a different generation and mindset.

However, I do have to say one thing, you went through a short sale, a process that required approval from the bank, the alternative of which is typically foreclosure. I do not think your poor credit rating is a result of your mother's illness or your father"s controlling nature or your kind offer to help.

While you are at Dad"s save money, to get your own place. Stop paying storage consider selling items if you need to, or renegotiate with dad to store some items in another room....you had siblings, so maybe there is an unpopulated room? Offer help on your terms and grab the reigns to get yourself to a stronger positon. This situation will not improve, you need to change it.

If credit is an issue you may be able to find a room to rent in a house.

You are not a bad daughter, this is just a very difficult situation and you can become consumed by it.

Good Luck.
L

When my dad moved in with me we had a financial arrangement. I had to rent a house bigger than I could have afforded on my own but with a "roommate" (my dad) I was able to afford it. Overall I hitched my wagon to my dad financially and it was a huge mistake. After a few years in this situation and as my dad's health continued to decline I realized that my living situation, the roof over my head, was dependent upon my dad's health. One wrong move, one fall, one stroke, and I'd be out on the street. And this gnawed at me for several more years. Then came the day when I was told my dad would have to stay in the NH he had gone into for rehab and I knew the day had come. I had no money. I had a house full of my dad's stuff, and no job. Cinderella, keep your job NO MATTER WHAT. And put money away regularly. We lived on a shoe string and I never put money away much to my detriment later on.

Eventually I found an apartment complex that had "income guidelines". I thought this mean HUD or Section 8 and my mind snapped shut but out of desperation I looked into it (I didn't qualify for HUD or Section 8). When we went to the complex for a tour I saw lots of older folks coming and going. I asked the manager what exactly were "income guidelines" and she told me in order to be eligible I had to make at least X amount of money per month. And that the "income guidelines" were, like, elder-speak for a community with mostly elderly people. I am not elderly, I was 44 when this was going on.

There are places out there. I didn't trip over this one the first time I started looking for a place but I came across it eventually. People with bad credit get apartments all the time. They get houses. The manager of where I am now, the "income guidelines" place, was not allowed to discriminate against me based on age (as she told me later) but most people my age don't want to live where there are "income guidelines". As for me, this place suits me just fine. It's very quiet and peaceful and my neighbors are all lovely elders.

You can find a place. You're not stuck. Not yet.

Move out, let the chips fall where they may, and pretty soon your dad will be open to hearing about options for visiting care, a housekeeper, etc. Don't let ANY of those options involve your moving back in or quitting your job.

Re Ismiami, yes short sale was approved by bank. It was done because I had to move from pretty far away to move in with my parents and in my market area, I was upside down on the mortgage and couldn't sell it without a huge loss. So yes in a way it was related to my mom's illness. I had to get rid of the house to help care for her. As it was, I moved in and 2 weeks later she was hospitalized with a life threatening illness and was in the hospital for 6 weeks and then in rehab for another month. If I hadn't moved closer, it would have meant nearly 4 hours round trip to visit and speak to drs about her care after work. I had to do what I had to do. End of story on that.

Oh Cinderella, what a challenging situation. My suggestion, save for your security deposit and initial months of rent. (you'd be surprised that some may take your less than perfect credit reports if you offer to pay for the first 3 months up front). When you have alternate living arrangements sit down with Dad and explain to him that as an adult, you need your own space. Tell him you will be able to do --- whatever you feel you are capable of. e.g. visit twice a week; or take Mom for hair cuts and lunch or whatever. This will force him to address the other needs. While I have not been in your exact situation, I will tell you that NO ONE understands the level of daily work needed to assist a senior with dementia.

You don't mention your parents' ages but trust me, your Mom will only need MORE care. Your Dad won't be able to give that level of care and if you lived there even the 2 of you would not be able to handle your Mom. DO NOT give up your job.

Check 'alternate' housing opportunities. Shared apartments; private home arrangements; etc. Go to church this weekend and check the bulletin board. You may find housing inquiries; caregiver seminars; etc. Perhaps a few counseling sessions may be helpful. Finally, be strong. If your Dad begs you to stay and promises things will be different, don't believe him. Keep us posted.

Yes, move out. Look for somewhere nearby and then work out a schedule with your dad that you both agree on.
You mentioned church, that would be a good place to look to rent a room. Maybe if you save up a few months rent, so you can pay in advance, they will overlook your credit score.

NJC,
You need to get out of there. You may be getting a roof over your head, but it is far from free rent. You pay groceries, for the three of you I assume, cable, maybe utilities too? In my area a live in caregiver is paid $4,000-$5,000 a month. This includes room and board. And you are paying other bills on top of that. Granted you work, so I'm guessing you are not there for 50 hours a week? Check out day programs in your area. Make it dad's responsibility to take mom there, then share the other hours of the week with him to care for your mom. In my situation my siblings would love for me to pay rent to my mom, though my mom would never do this. Siblings are only concerned with what remains of assets when mom passes.

It also sounds as if it would be an excellent time for them to move to assisted living. Your dad could get the help he needs with her whenever he needs it. And the sooner in the dementia process that mom moves will be easier for her. Just make sure the facility also has memory care so you do not need to move mom again. Then get your life back. Have you thought about a roommate situation for yourself? That could be another possibility for you.

Yes Cinderella, you need to get out of there. The stress of this situation will take its toll on you and age you so fast YOU'LL need care too! Others have given ideas about how to get into your own apartment or with a roommate. In the meantime, you MUST start drawing your own boundaries and putting yourself FIRST. Yes, I said YOU, FIRST. So for example, tell your warden, I mean dad, that you are going to church. Period. Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Just tell him you are going. And then go. Really, what will he do if he doesn't like it? Ground you? I iuld also give yourself a standing 'date' with a friend, is even just with yourself. Your dad doesn't need the details. Just say this is something you're giving to do and then go, every week, to your 'date'.. Even if it's just you and a good book on a park bench, it will be your own time and will be a lifesaver. And finally, make sure YOU are getting regular exercise every day. I walk at least a mile nearly every single day, sometimes 2. It only takes 20-30 minutes, but it's so helpful for my physical and even more importantly, my MENTAL health. Those that know me know that my walks are nonnegotiable. So you need some things in our life that are nonnegotiable too. You can put these small changes in place immediately. Again, ask yourself what is the worst that will happen. If they aren't able to survive without you there every spare minute, then they need professional care. This arrangement is unfairly taking advantage of you, but only you can change it.

Thank you all for your insightful, helpful and supportive answers. I gained alot from them and will try some of the suggestions. The church matter will be a bit harder since my father doesn't want my mother left alone too long (I recently suggested getting her a fall alert alarm but hasn't happened yet so I may have to do it). My mother isn't crippled, nor is she totally out of it. She probably can be left on her own to watch tv or sleep for an hour or two I'm sure but right now he doesnt' want to leave her even for that. So, the dilemma is: come Sunday mornings we both want to go to church and what to do with mom? She doesn't feel up to going anymore.

However, the stalemate is going to end. I've decided to compromise and start going to Saturday night service. Its not worth the power struggle anymore. This will probably become my weekly "night out" since my service is nearly 2 hours long plus travel time. Church is very social and uplifting and I miss it.

I've decided to take a much needed vacation next month--and booked it! It requires a plane so I can't back out now.

I haven't broken the news yet lol Any suggstions?

PS someone asked their ages: both are in their early 80's

NJC-
If you want to go to church on Sunday morning with your dad, get another caregiver in. There are many agencies that you could contact. Another suggestion would be to find a geriatric care manager to come an do an assessment of mom's and dad's needs. It would be money well spent. As far as leaving mom for an hour or two, this is where the care manager would come into play. That person will be able to help you determine whether the alone time for you mom is appropriate or not. It often helps all family members look at the situation differently and in a way that is best for your mom. Impartiality.

On the vacation, just tell dad you need a break and that you will help him to line up care for your mom.

I used to volunteer as a respite caregiver through a local church and community non-profit. I'd go sit with a former minister while his wife attended church. So check your church first for someone to sit with your mom while you and your dad go to services.

Since you both seem to be strong churchgoers, ask for help from your priest/pastor/imam to get your dad to get the additional help your mom needs. I imagine your dad is really feeling stressed/out-of-control because he can't "fix" your mom or figure out how to make things right. He needs you more than you need him, but getting him to acknowledge and act on that will be the hard part. I would think your faith leader could/would/should help with that. So reach out and look for help from other outside sources. I believe help is there, you just have to start investigating and asking for help.

good for you Cinderella for finding a way to go to church (and clever that you did it on a different day too so that you get some space from your father, and he gets to go, and your mother isn't left alone either. That solves several problems. and attagirl on scheduling yourself an out of town vacation! I'm sure that will really throw your dad for a loop. He will probably pull out all the stops to try to pressure you into getting back into your role as a servant,so just be ready for that. Remember that you do not owe them explanations as to what you, an adult, do on your own free time. the less you JADE, the better. He is not in charge of your life, no matter how much she acts like he is justified in deciding how you spend your time. just try to anticipate what is his worst case scenario and be ready for it. good luck and good job!

NJC...you suggested we both go together and get a sitter. Thing is, we're two different religions/churches (another bone of contention but for another thread). I've already reached out to some fellow church goers to join me for Saturday night service so I can feel comfortable and not alone in a sea of new faces. They have already said yes and asked me to coffee later. So, I'm feeling much more hopeful right now.

Again, thank you all so much for your ears, your shoulders and your support.

NJ Cinderella: I wonder about your time-line. In your earlier post to Eyerishlass you state that "its only been 2 months" yet in response to Ismiami you say your Mother 2 weeks after you moved in & was hospitalized for 6 weeks and then rehab for another month. By my calculations that is close to 3 months that your Mother was not in the house/home after you had moved in. Do you mean that it has been 2 months since her return home? If this is so , the reason your Father does not want your Mother doing much may have to do more with his feel of her having a relapse, not just the early stage Alz.

12, sorry for unclear timeline. The 2 months I referred to include the hospitalization and rehab. I only moved a couple of weeks before she was hospitalized. The dr orders are that she "get up and move" around the house. Prior to that she had been laying in bed up to 12-15 hours a day sleeping or resting and not eating much. PT, OC and VN come to the house now during the work day to help her get back into regular life. I was not being to the exact day specific 12, just giving round about time line. My father hasn't wanted her to do much of anything for a very long time prior to hospitalization which caused her muscles to atrophy to the point she could hardly stand or walk. Now, after PT she is doing very well and can walk unaided. It was probably also was just easier to let her sleep all day than deal with the hassle of trying to get her up to eat or dressed. Trust me, last weekend it took me over 2 hours to coax her to get out of bed so we could get to an appointment and another hour for her to get ready. I was mentally exhausted by the time we got to the appointment. All her tests are coming back that she is physically healthy again. IMHO if you treat someone like they are an invalid, they will become one. Why have her become one before her time?

MOVE OUT.

Help care for your mother from your own base.

I know people with absolutely abysmal credit who manage to rent apartments or rooms. It won't be ideal but it won't be forever.

When I talked with my friends about living with my mom (moving her to my house) they all shouted DO NOT DO IT! I had no idea why they reacted that way, but now I do...

Also, one day, many, many years ago I suggested that my mom, dad and I travel together. My father's response was, "you can't afford to travel with me. You could be my nurses maid, but that would be it!"

I was very thankful for that ugly response. While I COULD afford it, what I learned was his perception of me. Even though it wasn't a good perception, it warned me away and I kept my distance. The unseen blessing at that moment was that I kept my independence and had a life of my own.

I hope you are able to step away and keep a life of your own. In my opinion, I think you are right about encouraging your mom to help and stay active. It's a big adjustment for them to see you as more than their child. You are a loving family member who they will grow increasingly dependent on. They just don't know it yet.

Some of your time should be spent analyzing what kind of help they should be hiring. Do NOT try to do it all by yourself.

Lovingly, step away... and live your life.

The situation will not get easier. It will get more and more challenging.

This is something I found hard to grasp with my own parents. They do not remain healthy and independent.

They grow older and less able.

This is unlike children who grow up and become independent. Our parents will become more and more dependent. Your parents need to get outside help that they are accountable for, not you.

They most likely don't like to think or talk about it getting worse, not better. So, you are left alone to face the challenge of figuring out the solutions.

From all of us here, who have done this or are doing it right now, you MUST take care of yourself. They will not be able to take care of you. Only you can do that. You can be loving and kind, but do not give up your life.

I'm happy that you have friends and are going to church.

Try not to be the only one who compromises. Really, your mom and dad need to be thankful to you for being there for them. Your able hands will become more and more important to them. Stay healthy and strong now, so when you are needed for emergencies that inevitably WILL come up, you will be there for them.

What a great thread. Didn't know JADE before now, awesome! Someone said about 'adjusting to apt. life'... hm, no yard maint., no exterior to worry about, etc.?.. I love having a house, but I dream of the simplicity of apt. living! Embrace it, NJC! Others may've said, but your dad's spouse is passing, so he's bearing a sadness - a different kind than yours... and trying to shift the load, understandably... all humans look for escape routes, we just do.
In a book called ZAP! I believe, I saw a maxim I've never forgotten: when you can't do things, remember NOT to do them, so the undone work shows up and it becomes everyone's problem to get it done. Hope I'm stating that clearly, it's a very useful concept. :) And I agree, you're a very good daughter.

It sounds like there are several different things going on here. I have gone through several of these transitions with older friends and family including my mother.

What I've observed and what I now remind myself is to break things down in to do-able parts that contribute to the big picture.

1. Your mother's care needs
2. Your Father's (or others involved) definition/expectation as to how things are to be done
3. The relationship you have with your father totally aside from this situation.
4. How you are defining your self and your needs at this time in your life.
5. Your Father's needs related to coping with the transition

1. Get qualified opinions: Diagnosis/Doctor, Case Manger, Home Care evaluation, and your own care giving skills and blend these with your Father's expectation. Never say: I am doing this because (so and so) said this is the way to do it. You have to decide what advice to include and own it.

2. Find out what he is doing during the day for your Mom. Collaborate with him. If he is doing nothing, then find small doable ways for him to participate in her care. (He may just not know what to do and is too ashamed to admit that he is insecure about his ability).

3. Now is the time for your transition form Daughter to person. This is a big leap it can happen suddenly with a major life event where your parents put all their faith in you and hand over the wheel or slowly like giving up your home to help family and then battling it out to see who can outlast the other. Hint: your Father is aging, if everything goes uneventful you will outlast your father only at the cost of being miserable for the duration. If you want this to be a "fair" business exchange then treat it like one. If he wants you to do something his way and it does harm the situation then do it. An employee would do as their boss asked. And, the same goes for time 8 hours/day, 40 hours/week, keep money matters very clear, quantify the rent against your time spent and keep the books on expenses you are paying. Give him a number. Men understand paychecks. - I suggest introducing this in a weekly sit-down to discuss how this are going and scheduling.

Your Father takes off when you get home. He doesn't want a housekeeper. He doesn't want outside help. - These are probably old habits, he took the same stance with your Mother and again maybe insecure and doesn't want spectators. He want to treat you like his daughter and like his wife. You are neither in this situation you are the caregiver. You nee to use some tough love. Be clear about your assessment of the situation and inform him of what you believe will work because this doesn't work. If he can't cooperate. The deal is over and he can deal with Home care agencies and visiting nurses when you take yourself out of the care picture, on his own. You are not an emotional hostage. Be clear and strong. Would you work for a boss that mistreated you?

4. Evaluate your own needs. Include the essentials and then add the respite and rejuvenation. When you start to feel like everything is getting done and it seems easy then you have hit the mark. Things will have to change in your life and it sounds like they have already and you need to prioritize and keep aware of what comes later.

5. Your Father needs support. He may be coping with it through escape, drinking, and other distractions. He may have some medical affects too. You aren't just caring for your mother you are also caring for him and the best way maybe to get him support and medical treatment.

Final thoughts about your huge step to move in. Live in care is very expensive. Room and board is only half of it. The cost of rent is not a convenience to you. It is a convenience to your parents. Now if they are in financial need then pooling your resources is logical. but if your father is thinking like you are a teenager with a job then you need to educate him. Not having a place of your own is a sacrifice for you and is worthy of compensation. If anything you should be getting some cash in return. You are going to have to get real world dollars and professional standards with your Dad. Do a little research how much care cost in your community? How much time you spend? And, decide what you think is appropriate. And finally, you are right on with having your mother help do things. This is occupational therapy and will keep her mind active and maintain her sense of purpose. Include her as much as possible. Your father needs to be educated and it is up to you to help him understand what is best for your mother.

Also, 24 live in care by one person is recipe for disaster in my book. Everyone suffers and things get messy. Luckily you work outside and i suggest you keep doing working.

We all do what we have to do, and in the long run we pay a price. BUT, the schedule that you are keeping can kill you. Then, what will happen to your parents?

Whatever that is, needs to happen now. GO. No one can handle working and then, being a waitress and nurse, 24/7.

Of course it isn't fair. Not to your mother and not to you. She's not getting a chance to do things that would improve her quality of life and you are not getting a life. No one should work 24 x7 x 365. Sabbath rest was decreed by God Himself, who is your father to overrule God? Not to mention the doctors who want her more active. Guilt is crap unless the person giving it to you is there sharing the burden. The old way of men thinking women are somehow designed to be 24 x 7 x 365 caregivers without any automony of their own is crap too. But you know that.

OK, that said, you are a bit behind the eight ball. It does not sound like you have a really great chance of shifting the balance of power and negotiating from a position of strength. e.g. "you let the housekeeper in so I have a little rest and respite, or I'm gone, Dad, to save my own sanity and health. Sorry, but that's the way it is." Any chance someone from your dad's church or someone medical that he respects (I WISH he respected YOU but wishing will get us nowhere, will it?) could talk a little decency and sense into him?

gosh thank you vstefans, chicago and pashuns! I think I need to grow a spine too. Old patterns die hard and as much as my father is treating me like I'm a kid under his roost/rules again, I am also allowing it to happen. face palm! I thought I was not making waves---so hard to be in someone else's house! Lots easier if they had moved to my turf, but it is what it is. Tough love talk from all of you was what I needed and I so appreciate it.

It feels overwhelming so I will take one "battle" at a time and try that instead of making sweeping demands and changes. I'm trying to be respectful to them as I am to myself. I hope I can and still accomplish what everyone needs==which is help for my mom and some free time ("life") for myself.

With all that everyone is coping and dealing with on this forum, its such a blessing that you all take a moment out to reach out with support to others. :)

Bless your heart. Two and a half years ago, my Mom, who at the time was in the beginning stages of dementia, fell down her basement stairs and we almost lost her. I immediately made the decision to leave my job, leave my home, and move in with my Mom to care for her when she did get to come home. I was so thankful she survived I was, and am, more than happy to do it.

I can say here that I did expect my sibling would kick in some financially, I pulled my 401K, lost my health insurance, and am now in the beginning phases of most likely losing my own home to foreclosure because my realtor took such a low key approach to selling it, even though I have greatly reduced the price.

I never get to do anything, have totally given up a social life, have gained weight, and have a lot of moments of feeling bad for myself...

Would I do it again if I knew then what i know now...ABSOLUTELY!

Through a LOT of prayer, and those moments where Mom is able to talk to me, which are rare these days as she now has advanced alzheimers, I cherish each moment and as long as she is happy and feels good, I hope it continues for a long time...I want the time with her...
While I have a lot of moments where I get angry, sad, depressed (I was on here just a few nights ago ready to throw in the towel) but all in all, what I am saying is...I do bounce back and the highs are so very worth all the lows.

I love my sibling, but he does not have a clue what this is like. But I finally don't care any more. I expect nothing from anyone and I am therefore not disappointed. I make myself happy in whatever way I can, whether it is a little sewing project, some gardening and I am even teaching myself to paint via you tube videos...

I think maybe God knew I needed my Mom as much as she needed me. For now this is my life. Some day it won't be. Everyone however is different. All I am trying to say is you will find your way I think. And what I keep reminding myself...one day at a time....God bless you...