I don't often see posts where the adult child gave up their home to move in with their parents to help care for an ailing parent, yet this is what I did. I felt it would be easier to not uproot my mother, who is in the early stages of Alzheimers.
The problem is that my father, who is healthy and active, feels that I should "wait" and take over care for my mother after work and on weekends in exchange for free rent. I'm not exactly living free as I pay for their cable, groceries and storage fees for all my furniture from my own house. He doesn't allow my mother to do anything. I feel that it would be good for her to help prepare dinner, as much as she is capable of, such as stirring a pot or making a salad but he demands she sit down so I can "serve" her (his words).
This was not the arrangement I was expecting! I'm basically confined to my bedroom, expected to watch my mother whenever my father goes out after I come home from work and weekends and give up all social life. I have to justify every time I'm out of the house and say when i'm returning. I'm feeling alot like Cinderella! I hired a housekeeper that I paid for so I wouldn't spend my weekends cleaning but that idea was rejected after only one visit.
I can't go out, can't go to church and feel trapped. Yet, my father isn't capable of caring for my mother 24/7 and her health was in jeopardy because of that before I moved in. My dad is stubborn, demanding and is difficult. He will not consider live in help, visitng help or even talk about her future care needs.This is his home, his rules. I'd like to move out but even if I do, the situation of my mother not being able to be left alone still won't be solved so I'll still be expected to give up my free time. Any advice?
It sounds like you got more than you bargained for with this arrangement and your dad sounds very "stubborn, demanding, and difficult".
I know you know it's good for your mom to still participate in activities of daily living such as stirring food or tossing a salad. There's no need to serve her at this stage and she would probably feel better about herself in doing things for herself. But you know all of this already. The problem here is your dad.
If he's an "It's my way or the highway" type of guy I'd consider that highway. As the Alzheimer's progresses your life in this house will get smaller and smaller and smaller. You can't (and why are we saying that you "can't"?? you're an adult!) even go to church anymore. You are prohibited from doing things that you enjoy and the longer you stay there the worse it will get. Everyone here will attest to that. You and your mom are under your dad's thumb now and he's going to control this situation by God! (I think that's where all of this is coming from with him....lack of control.)
You mentioned in your post that you feel trapped? You are trapped. You look trapped from where I'm sitting.
You said your dad won't consider live-in help? Why should he when he has you? Same with visiting help. That's what you're there for. As far as your dad is concerned your responsibility is evenings and weekends. That's what you're there for and as far as he's concerned, that's what you signed up for.
Discussing the future in these situations is difficult, granted, but that's what adults do, they discuss things that are difficult. That your dad refuses to discuss the future tells me he's probably in shock and denial which feeds into his need to control everything and everyone around him. This won't get better in time, only worse.
You asked for advice? MOVE OUT. Then help your parents move into an assisted living facility. However, your father is going to have to put on his big boy pants and figure out how to get assistance in helping your mom.
NJCinderella, this situation has so many red flags. I'm actually scared for you. You have given up your life to do this and your dad won't even let you go to church? Who the hell is he?! You're a grownup, you're not a little kid anymore and you can go wherever you want whenever you want. And as your mom deteriorates your dad will become that much more overbearing and impossible, that I can promise you. What happens if your dad gets sick? You'll have both parents to care for.
Moving in with elderly parents to care for one is difficult under the best of circumstances. You haven't even gotten to the really ugly part yet and you're already questioning your decision to move in with your folks. If you stay the price is your life. If you leave you'll still be able to help your mom and since there's no one else willing to do it (like your dad) I'm sure your help will be greatly appreciated.
I hate the thought of you posting here 1 year from now about how depressed and lonely you are, how stressed out you feel and how you would give anything to get just 1 day away. That's where you're headed. And I'm afraid there's no handsome prince in your future if you continue down this road.
I wish you the best, NJCinderella.