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Whether or not you need to worry about this depends on whether she has always held this somewhat cynical view, or was previously rather sunnier in her attitude to social dynamics.

My ex's grandmother was forever pressing "pocket money" on her extensive family, and made it very difficult to refuse. Of course, that wouldn't necessarily have stopped her opining to others that young people today only visit if they want something...

Anyway. If your mother has started to seem more bitter than she was previously, about this and other subjects, then it could be part of changes in her brain including not only dementia but also depression. Any marked change in personality or behaviour should be reported to her GP or geriatrician.

And I do also agree that it's worth checking that she isn't just right.
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My 96 year old mother has always "primed" family members with $10 - $20, often slipping it in purses when we've tried to say no thanks, we're here because we love you... and for the past 8 years during her physical decline, she feels compelled to give small gifts or money to the church people who visit her and her few "friends' . She won't admit it, but somewhere in her conscience or sub-conscience she knows people don't really enjoy her company, and she's terrified of being alone.. so she pays them. (She's BPD, histrionic, self-absorbed and very "needy".) It's definitely NOT enjoyable and often emotionally taxing for a normal person to be with her for more than a half hour. Sad, but true. The flip side is, she resents that she "has to" give people money or they won't visit her. As her daughter, I have to hear the same story over and over about so-in-so who won't come to visit unless she gives her money. In my mother's case, I think any of few good folks (and there's only two) who accept her small "donations" in return for a visit is okay. Luckily Iknow and trust both of these women, one gives me updates about my mother's anxiety or health concerns, the other is a neighbor who will once or twice a month come by and will vacuum her house (which for my mother is more about having a visitor than getting cheap housecleaning). It's sad, but at least I can trust most of her visitors. Not all.. and that's a constant concern, as she IS so needy. But she's hanging on to EVERY BIT OF CONTROL she barely manages... and I have to step in and fix many of her mistakes (business, check writing, fender benders...). NONE of this is easy, under the best of elder-care circumstances. But I oh so wish my mother were more honest, genuinely kind and would cooperate with the one daughter, (ME) who is here for her and wants only the best for her.
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Are the folks who are visiting her asking her for money?
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Hi Kath, it could be part of the dementia but also it might be her experience. Or possibly a feeling of vulnerability or anxiety when others come in that she isn't use to dealing with. Does she say this before they come? If my aunt hears that she is going to have visitors that she doesn't see often, she will say she dreads the visit. Yet when they are actually with her, she loves the visit. How does her concern manifest? Does she bring up the money to the visitors? Or is it something she shares with you when she learns they are coming?
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Is there a chance it could be true; at least in part. That would be the case in my situation. I am my Mother's caretaker and that the only reason they try to contact her. She didn't even realize how bad it was with them. She trusts me now to handle them in her best interest which I do; per her wishes.
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I'd have to agree that often times these are situations that are set up by the individual himself. It's based on their individual dynamic or relationship with others. If one is used to giving money as a gift to someone when coming around, then why would they expect something else? For them to expect something else when they get older is absurd. Anger from aging, loss of independence, dementia is likely manifesting itself and being directed at another person for his own struggle. People would likely still come around but it is the person who has created the dynamic of giving money and it is their own perspective by which they view another that gives them angst. In a rational world, they should not be angry with people for whom they have created this struggle. Unfortunately older people are unable to deal with these issues. It's never easy being around the elderly because rational thinking is not always part of the equation.
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Thank you Luckywinks.... You understand... ! And you explained and described this unfortunate dynamic clearly. I didn't want to write too much about my struggles with my difficult mom, but there are MANY church folks who have visited her for YEARS (and some still do, but my mom keeps outliving many of her older church friends!) and they do NOT allow her to give them money... but my mom will still try to give them a little flowering plant or cookies... that she purchases ahead and will force those gifts on anyone who drops by. If you understand this type of needy personality, gift-giving can be a form of feeling superior and in control I think. It's often humbling and more difficult to graciously receive than it is to give... to give... right? My mom has NEVER been a gracious receiver of gifts from anyone. Usually she doesn't like what we picked out... very very hard to please her, and it's well known in our family that mom will almost always return her birthday, mother's day, Christmas gifts right back to us, saying, I hope you can get you money back. *Sigh* What a mess, eh?
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If you don't monitor the visits she's probably right. Young people tend to want money from the old in exchange for the "visit".
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Mother would routinely slip eldest brother between $100-200 every time he came around with some hard luck story. Drove the rest of us crazy. We didn't want her money, but at the same time, he was stealing (silver, antiques, anything that wasn't nailed down) and pawning it. We all knew it, I'm sure mother did too. Dad put her on a strict "cash only" basis t save them from utter destruction. Then mother only HAD a couple hundred bucks on her, and checks were screened by my POA brother each month.
Mother has given youngest sister many, many thousands of dollars--a one time thing, and she sort of tried to pay it back. After dad's death, all debts were forgiven and brother and sister were written out of the will. Jokes on the rest of us, there's nothing left.
Mother is sweet to slip a $5 bill in the birthday cards to the grandchildren--but not the GGrands, who would LOVE it. My son, a millionaire twice over just laughs his head off over that $5 bill. He doesn't GET that mother is sending out 50+ of these cards and she really can't afford it--but she often does get a "thank you" phone call. So, in effect, maybe she is "paying" for attention. I wish she'd stop, but she won't. I can't express to her that NONE of the grands (youngest is 26) NEEDS $5. The card is enough! And, no, I am positive he will not bother to come to her funeral.
Your mum may well be right that people are just using her. It sure wouldn't be the first time that's happened!!
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It may be something that this elder is "fixated" on for some reason. Possibly real or faux occurrence to her, whereby now "she's thinking about it, thinking about it and thinking about it." Remember, the elder's mind is now changed.
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