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Whether or not you need to worry about this depends on whether she has always held this somewhat cynical view, or was previously rather sunnier in her attitude to social dynamics.
My ex's grandmother was forever pressing "pocket money" on her extensive family, and made it very difficult to refuse. Of course, that wouldn't necessarily have stopped her opining to others that young people today only visit if they want something...
Anyway. If your mother has started to seem more bitter than she was previously, about this and other subjects, then it could be part of changes in her brain including not only dementia but also depression. Any marked change in personality or behaviour should be reported to her GP or geriatrician.
And I do also agree that it's worth checking that she isn't just right.
My 96 year old mother has always "primed" family members with $10 - $20, often slipping it in purses when we've tried to say no thanks, we're here because we love you... and for the past 8 years during her physical decline, she feels compelled to give small gifts or money to the church people who visit her and her few "friends' . She won't admit it, but somewhere in her conscience or sub-conscience she knows people don't really enjoy her company, and she's terrified of being alone.. so she pays them. (She's BPD, histrionic, self-absorbed and very "needy".) It's definitely NOT enjoyable and often emotionally taxing for a normal person to be with her for more than a half hour. Sad, but true. The flip side is, she resents that she "has to" give people money or they won't visit her. As her daughter, I have to hear the same story over and over about so-in-so who won't come to visit unless she gives her money. In my mother's case, I think any of few good folks (and there's only two) who accept her small "donations" in return for a visit is okay. Luckily Iknow and trust both of these women, one gives me updates about my mother's anxiety or health concerns, the other is a neighbor who will once or twice a month come by and will vacuum her house (which for my mother is more about having a visitor than getting cheap housecleaning). It's sad, but at least I can trust most of her visitors. Not all.. and that's a constant concern, as she IS so needy. But she's hanging on to EVERY BIT OF CONTROL she barely manages... and I have to step in and fix many of her mistakes (business, check writing, fender benders...). NONE of this is easy, under the best of elder-care circumstances. But I oh so wish my mother were more honest, genuinely kind and would cooperate with the one daughter, (ME) who is here for her and wants only the best for her.
Hi Kath, it could be part of the dementia but also it might be her experience. Or possibly a feeling of vulnerability or anxiety when others come in that she isn't use to dealing with. Does she say this before they come? If my aunt hears that she is going to have visitors that she doesn't see often, she will say she dreads the visit. Yet when they are actually with her, she loves the visit. How does her concern manifest? Does she bring up the money to the visitors? Or is it something she shares with you when she learns they are coming?
Is there a chance it could be true; at least in part. That would be the case in my situation. I am my Mother's caretaker and that the only reason they try to contact her. She didn't even realize how bad it was with them. She trusts me now to handle them in her best interest which I do; per her wishes.
I'd have to agree that often times these are situations that are set up by the individual himself. It's based on their individual dynamic or relationship with others. If one is used to giving money as a gift to someone when coming around, then why would they expect something else? For them to expect something else when they get older is absurd. Anger from aging, loss of independence, dementia is likely manifesting itself and being directed at another person for his own struggle. People would likely still come around but it is the person who has created the dynamic of giving money and it is their own perspective by which they view another that gives them angst. In a rational world, they should not be angry with people for whom they have created this struggle. Unfortunately older people are unable to deal with these issues. It's never easy being around the elderly because rational thinking is not always part of the equation.
Thank you Luckywinks.... You understand... ! And you explained and described this unfortunate dynamic clearly. I didn't want to write too much about my struggles with my difficult mom, but there are MANY church folks who have visited her for YEARS (and some still do, but my mom keeps outliving many of her older church friends!) and they do NOT allow her to give them money... but my mom will still try to give them a little flowering plant or cookies... that she purchases ahead and will force those gifts on anyone who drops by. If you understand this type of needy personality, gift-giving can be a form of feeling superior and in control I think. It's often humbling and more difficult to graciously receive than it is to give... to give... right? My mom has NEVER been a gracious receiver of gifts from anyone. Usually she doesn't like what we picked out... very very hard to please her, and it's well known in our family that mom will almost always return her birthday, mother's day, Christmas gifts right back to us, saying, I hope you can get you money back. *Sigh* What a mess, eh?
Mother would routinely slip eldest brother between $100-200 every time he came around with some hard luck story. Drove the rest of us crazy. We didn't want her money, but at the same time, he was stealing (silver, antiques, anything that wasn't nailed down) and pawning it. We all knew it, I'm sure mother did too. Dad put her on a strict "cash only" basis t save them from utter destruction. Then mother only HAD a couple hundred bucks on her, and checks were screened by my POA brother each month. Mother has given youngest sister many, many thousands of dollars--a one time thing, and she sort of tried to pay it back. After dad's death, all debts were forgiven and brother and sister were written out of the will. Jokes on the rest of us, there's nothing left. Mother is sweet to slip a $5 bill in the birthday cards to the grandchildren--but not the GGrands, who would LOVE it. My son, a millionaire twice over just laughs his head off over that $5 bill. He doesn't GET that mother is sending out 50+ of these cards and she really can't afford it--but she often does get a "thank you" phone call. So, in effect, maybe she is "paying" for attention. I wish she'd stop, but she won't. I can't express to her that NONE of the grands (youngest is 26) NEEDS $5. The card is enough! And, no, I am positive he will not bother to come to her funeral. Your mum may well be right that people are just using her. It sure wouldn't be the first time that's happened!!
It may be something that this elder is "fixated" on for some reason. Possibly real or faux occurrence to her, whereby now "she's thinking about it, thinking about it and thinking about it." Remember, the elder's mind is now changed.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My ex's grandmother was forever pressing "pocket money" on her extensive family, and made it very difficult to refuse. Of course, that wouldn't necessarily have stopped her opining to others that young people today only visit if they want something...
Anyway. If your mother has started to seem more bitter than she was previously, about this and other subjects, then it could be part of changes in her brain including not only dementia but also depression. Any marked change in personality or behaviour should be reported to her GP or geriatrician.
And I do also agree that it's worth checking that she isn't just right.
Mother has given youngest sister many, many thousands of dollars--a one time thing, and she sort of tried to pay it back. After dad's death, all debts were forgiven and brother and sister were written out of the will. Jokes on the rest of us, there's nothing left.
Mother is sweet to slip a $5 bill in the birthday cards to the grandchildren--but not the GGrands, who would LOVE it. My son, a millionaire twice over just laughs his head off over that $5 bill. He doesn't GET that mother is sending out 50+ of these cards and she really can't afford it--but she often does get a "thank you" phone call. So, in effect, maybe she is "paying" for attention. I wish she'd stop, but she won't. I can't express to her that NONE of the grands (youngest is 26) NEEDS $5. The card is enough! And, no, I am positive he will not bother to come to her funeral.
Your mum may well be right that people are just using her. It sure wouldn't be the first time that's happened!!
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