I moved my mother in with me a year and half ago because she had simply quit taking care of herself. She allowed her home to start falling apart and let trash and filth build up. I tried for years to clean up and persuade her to fix the roof or floors as needed but to no avail. I'd clean and come back 2 days later and there would be poopy diapers thrown in the floor. I'd clean it up and she'd do it again. I mowed her yard bc she let it grow up. I hooked a trailer up and hauled junk and garbage off only for her to start the process over again. I gave up. She now lives with me, her home is in no shape to sell- black mold, floor caving in in master bathroom, ceiling falling in in living room, absolutely filthy inside. There's no way to sell it now. It needs to be torn down. I DID NOT grow up like that! and neither did she!
She moved in with me in Aug of '21, by April she was in the hospital. For 7+ months, she was in/out of the hospital 6x and in/out of rehab 4x. Now she's back in my home, mostly wheelchair-bound and on dialysis 3x a week. I have to help her stand, lift her wheelchair, lift her legs, etc just to get her there and back. Ome nights I hurt so badly that I could cry! She's also incontinent and makes a huge mess when she poops. It gets all over her, the toilet, the floor, the sink, the garbage can etc. I make her food, I bathe her, I clean up after her. I've given up my job and now that my car tore up, I don't even have a car. I have to ask permission from my husband or my mother to borrow their cars to go anywhere- like to see my son who went to college this past August. The last time I went to see him, she pooped on herself before we went tonthe resturaunt and made me and him both so embarrassed and miserable. I can't work, I can't even leave the house and I'm mid-40s! I cant go on vacation! I'm not sure how much more I can stand but I don't see any options. I'd work from home but can't find a job to do online. I can't leave her all day by herself and 3x a week, I have to drive her to and from dialysis, which is 20 min one way. I have very little help from my sister and there's no one else. She has something wrong mentally but no one can tell me what it is. She will convince people, even the drs, that shes fully capable of anything but she isnt! She cant even turn off her O2 machine! I honestly feel like I might lose my mind one day. She's so nosey and I can't do anything without her. She won't go to bed sometimes and will stay up in my living room. That's so unfair to me and my husband. We can't do anything that doesn't include her. My son had an early flight Friday morning and I planned to take him. When I got up at 3:30, she was up and got mad when I told her she couldn't go with me because my husband was going! Now, her dialysis clinic wants to set her up on home dialysis but that would require me to do it every single day; 30 min to hook her up, be there if alarm sounds or anything goes wrong, and unhook in 8 hours. She's incapable of doing it and esp incapable of keeping it sterilized so it would be all on me. When I say I'm not sure I want to do it at home, she gets angry and guilt trips me bc she doesn't want to have to go out 3x a week. I'm seriously at the end of my compassion here. She wouldn't be in this shape if she'd controlled her diabetes, but she refused. Now it's all on my shoulders. God help me, I'm at the end of my rope!
You cannot give up your job to care for an elder.
Your Mom will almost certainly need to go into placement.
If you feel very at loose ends about your options I would discuss with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. They are very good at giving you options for life transitions choices.
There she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you and your family can get your house back, but most importantly some peace back in your lives.
You are going to snap if you don't make the necessary changes soon. You need to have an honest discussion with her doctor(s) and a social worker and get the ball rolling to get your mother placed soon.
You already know that she must be placed right? I want you to read what you wrote in your post and imagine it's your best friend that was writing it and asking what she should do. What would you tell her? I already know that you would tell her just exactly what I am telling you.
You and your family deserve so much better!!!
Try to find a calm moment to yourself, take a walk, or a long bath. Breathe. Feel the weight of this struggle on you.
Then ask yourself to come up with some solutions.
You CAN do it!
What comes up first?