My dad died 7 years ago. My mom is 83 years old, suffered a stroke 4 years ago and now has early onset dementia. She lives in the independent side of an assisted living home. She is in good shape physically, but mentally is a very negative person.
My dad used take her somewhere warm about 3 x a year. Now that her dementia is getting worse, she constantly harps on having no one to travel with, and wants one of us 8 kids to take her. My brother and I have taken her to Hawaii, and another brother took her to Palm Springs a few years ago. She was a nightmare to travel with. She constantly complains while there, expects us to service her the whole time and doesn't leave your side (even when inside an enclosed resort), super negative and no fun.
Not to mention most of us siblings can only afford a certain amount of time off and have our own families to vacation with.
Before dementia I tried explaining to her that she should try to find a travel partner, but honestly most people find her exhausting after a day or so. I'm riddled with guilt every time she brings it up (which is every visit and phone call).
I guess I would love to hear how anyone else deals with this situation.
To be clear this isn't a money issue, but more of not having the time and not wanting to use our personal family vacation to have her tag along. It's exhausting, time consuming and I would rather not go away at all than include her.
Sgned,
Guilt ridden daughter
Negativity and chronic complaining is par for the course with some of these elders with dementia, as it was for my mother. I had to segue her out of AL and into Memory Care Assisted Living when her dementia became moderate. She was well cared for by "her girls" and kept busy with activities and little sightseeing outings on the mini bus.
Why is your mother still living in Independent Living ?? Her physical health has nothing to do with her mental health.....many elders die from dementia while they are physically in good condition.
You have to ignore or side step lots of moms histrionics by limiting your contact with her. This becomes more feasible once she's living in AL where more care and activities are available. My mother gossipped with the other women all day long in AL which did not require MY involvement that much. She could complain to THEM and have a better audience. To me, she was an Energy Vampire who exhausted me and nothing I did for her was ever enough, taking her on a vacation was OUT of the question, especially with dementia. They have no idea how much work they truly are or how much energy they sap out of others. Bring her a restaurant meal or take her out to dinner instead. Thats 2 hours instead of a week or two!
Best of luck to you.
Doesn't work that way, no matter what you do for her she will not be happy, ever, in the meantime you and your family are being denied the pleasure of sharing your time together.
Why she is in IL is beyond me, she has dementia.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion, that serves no purpose. It is keeping you stuck.
You cannot make your mother happy.
Rethink your priorities, you do know that you do not need to share everything you do with her, you are her equal not a little girl.
Me, I would be honest and say that taking her with on vacation is more than you or the family can handle at this point in your life. You need time away from all her demands and toxic control.
She does not understand as her brain is broken and her life as it was when your father was alive is no more. That is it in a nutshell.
Good Luck!
But this isn't me, is it? This is you.
Guilt?
Guess you were taught that at your "difficult" mom's knee, weren't you.
How sad.
And how sad that she is still the negative and selfish woman she apparently always was.
Guilt is for felons. You didn't cause your Mom's woes and you can't fix them. You aren't responsible. So guilt in not involved in this and you should remember that, because the words we tell ourselves have great power. What you feel is the other g-word. GRIEF. Grief that you have the mom you have and she can't change. Grief that you cannot make her better.
And, my dear, YOU CAN'T make her better. And it isn't your job.
If you cannot understand now that you have a mom with severe limitations who has not been able to be a very good mom or even a very good person, then it is time to work that out with a good cognitive therapist, so that you can have a quality life taking care of YOURSELF, moving forward.
I am so sorry. If you would like to assuage some of this VERY INAPPROPRIATE guilt, take Mom on a three day to somewhere, have as much fun and be as patient as you can, and call that IT for the year.
I started taking her to every putting I could, we really did have some good times, but the guilt trips when I didn't take her, and she heard I went to her favorite dinner without her, where horrible, now that life is getting harder, I still get guilt trips, about smaller things, like if she knows I did a craft project at home, she makes me feel bad for doing something for myself. So I don't think the guilt trips ever end. Which is why I joined this support group
Only joined a week ago, and it has help so much in such a short amount of time. Yesterday I didn't go to moms, and I refused to let myself worry about her. Which is a huge step. But I am looking forward to what others will post because I have a lot to learn.
I think what I have decided to do is to try and take emotions outta the equation, make it feel more like a job. Anyways my advice would be to take others advice, and don't go 4 yrs, loose all your friends because your too busy for them, and get so burnt out you feel dead by inside.
When a person has Dementia, they don't realize they have slowed down, they are old. That they have limits. The brain is dying. They lose short-term memory and long-term memory as time goes on. No conception of time. You could have been there yesterday and they will say they haven't see u in a week. You could go on vacation for a week and they don't even know ur gone.
Yes and I am with Lea, Mom needs to be in the AL section where she will have more care.
I totally get you about the unpleasantness of the travel. The last trip we took with my mom it was all about her needing to be pushed around in a wheelchair, and she wasn’t even wheelchair bound at that hat time. And this was for her beloved grandson’s wedding. I’ll leave it at that.
Maybe with 8 siblings you could each take her for a weekend or something once a year, rotating years. But she will probably continue to complain.
There’s nothing wrong with you vacationing with your own family, and if you are fortunate enough to be able to do that, don’t let mom’s guilt trip ruin it for you.
I took my mom on cruises. The first time she was in a wheelchair and it took two family members and me to manage her. It was exhausting. The second time she was also in a wheelchair and had incontinence issues. We took mom's 24/7 live-in caregiver with us, and she handled the getting dressed and bathroom chores, which was a big help. It still took the four of us to deal with mom. So I know what you're saying.
For your mom, how about an overnight stay at a near-to-home resort hotel with a spa, massages, and that sort of thing? Everything totally onsite, and it's only 24 hours of your time. Might keep her happy for a minute or two.
:-(
Your mother had lots of travels and adventures in her life. She should be grateful for them and not lay on you the demand for this on top of everything else.
Frankly this travel is more of a fantasy . The reality is that travel is hard work and exhausting for people who are unwell. She is probably not capable of it anymore.
If you don’t want to take her on vacation don’t. You don’t need to do that for her.
I do a lot for my parents but I draw the line at taking them on vacations. I do not choose to do it for all the reasons you gave and more of my own. I am not a social director on top of everything else.
Also you can cut back on your visits and phone calls so you don't have to hear about it all the time, and when she brings the going on a trip up, you just change the subject to something else.
Sadly people with broken brains often get an idea stuck in their head and it's hard for them to get it out. That's where you with the not broken brain have to step up and be the voice of reason and redirect.
You may want to check out some of Teepa Snows(a dementia expert)videos on YouTube about redirecting a person with dementia.
And don't feel bad. No one wants to waste their precious vacation time, or any time as a matter of fact around someone that is a Debbie downer.
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