My 86-year-old boyfriend of 40 years with dementia is in a nursing home. His kids want me to take him home to my house. What do I do?

No, No, No. Do not move him to your home. You are planning to move yourself and that in and of itself, is so very stressful. I did that in June. We had to sell our home of 30 years because neither of us could afford or manage to keep it up. My husband is 87 and unable to get out of bed now. He is incontinent and unable to sit up and eat. I have to do everything and it really takes a toll on me, physically and emotionally. Our children (except one) do not help at all.

2nd. It will only get more difficult to be his caretaker. I am taking care of my husband of 50 years and it is a full time job. One of which I wasn't prepared for. I am fortunate in that I have outside help with Senior Services and Medicare home providers through his insurance. You don't have that luxury as you stated his Medicare benefits are very limited now.

3rd. I/we had to move out of our home (lived in for over 30 years) and I had to be the one to find a way to get things done all alone. Since his children have not been very helpful it will be up to you.

4th. You will have no time for yourself which is still very important. When and if you go out, he may accuse you of seeing other people. He may blame you for leaving him alone. You may have to defend your actions because he may not believe you.

I'm just sharing this with you as it's happened to me.

Good luck and prayers to help guide your decision.

You can continue to be a loving friend. Not his caregiver. You did that already. His needs increased. So have yours. End of discussion.

NO, NO & NO!!!!
you have done enough. By all circumstances, let him be released to someone else. If you take him, you will assume ALL responsibilities Forever. This is not your husband.
Good luck.

The original writer, beccalevin, hasn't been back to answer any of our questions since the day she wrote this question back in September.

beccalevin By now you probably see you have a lot of support for saying NO, NO WAY!!! His kids will not help you, and the rest of your life will be nothing but poop, pee, vomit, boogers, and an endless supply of blank stares.
How do I know? I'm living it. Don't take this on unless you want to ruin your health.

Its been a week. Becca have you gotten across to the kids that you cannot take him into your home?

Just tell his children that you are elderly yourself and cannot take care of him. If they think taking care of him is such an easy thing to do...let them do it.

Even if you were married, I would suggest placing him. I am sure he would appreciate you staying involved to make sure he is being appropriately cared for, but you can't shoulder this on your own.

Absolutely Not! They are selfish in asking you to do this. You should have no guilt. THEY should feel guilty not taking their father in. If you take him in, are they giving you funds? Help? PLEASE do not do this.

OMG no!! My 14 year live in partners kids wanted me to become the caregiver after his massive heart attack…..I said..no. I had issues of my own, was still employed and had an aging mom. I helped him when he was healthy enough in our home. He went on to live with a sister then a small apartment. He died 5 yrs later. We kept in touch. I had no guilt! Ps: he was 80.

The family should work with the social worker to apply for Medicaid for skilled care.

beccalevin,
Ditto on the fantastic answers that have been posted so far.... and I'll add my two cents......No, No, No and absolutely not!! It's on THEM to figure out care for THEIR father! Not you!

beccalevin: You are not expected to care for your 86 year old boyfriend in your home (you are about to change/move homes soon anyway) as you are a 76 year old elder yourself! That is a preposterous notion. Irregardless that you took care of him for forty years, his children are responsible for his welfare/care at this juncture. That's rich that his kids "want him to stay with me until they find another place!"

The bottom line is this.......it is your mirror, you have to look into it every day, so it has to be something you can live with. Things have a way of working themselves out if everybody does their part. It's not one person's responsibility, it is on the entire family. Alzheimer's hits all of you, no matter what. It's a cruel, unforgiving disease, and unfortunately, we only help it along. Nobody is immune. Personally, I made provisions should I be the one who has it eventually, my medical power of attorney knows exactly what is expected of them when and if I get to that point. Washington state, Oregon, the very first time I need somebody to wipe my butt, I am out of here. I'm not putting that responsibility on the people I love, it is not happening, it's way too much. I'd rather them all live happily with my memory. Call it whatever you want, but I'd rather take a drink of something and lay down to take a nice long nap. It is a peaceful way to go, and I refuse to be a burden to anyone!

I hate to say this, but 40 years is a common law marriage in every state, so to claim no responsibility, isn't exactly accurate. My dad just died from Alzheimer's on Aug 5. I left my home in Arizona to go to Northern California where he and his wife lived, my mom died in 1997, to help her take care of him, I was there for 6 long hard months. Correction, I took care of him while she watched, she's 81, and she was hardly any help at all. He has said my entire life to please not put him in a home, he was adamant, and that was his biggest fear. I worked in a nursing home years ago and I'm in healthcare, and he was still a lot of work for me. After him falling 4 times in one week because she was too ignorant to listen to me, I finally conceded that I couldn't keep him safe anymore, not with her around at least, I found them a place where they could stay together, took him to visit, it was nice! However, he knew where we were, I could see it in his face. She put a deposit on the place, and he literally died a week later, in their home. I think that was it, when I took him to see the place, I am sure he thought to himself, NO WAY! They know way more than you realize they do, I can assure you of that! Anyway, the point is, you were with this man longer than she was married to my dad, I think it's very important that his wishes be honored, whatever those might be. If he's on state assistance, you should be able to get home health care, that will cost the state a lot less than a nursing home, they won't be there 24/7 but they can assess what you need and go from there. Come to the house a couple of times a week, bathe him, etc. If you can get his doctor to say he is in his final 6 months, you can get hospice out there, they will come daily, provide depends, all of it. Obviously, we could have gotten that for my dad, but he made a big improvement when I got there, he was thrilled to see me! He knew exactly who I was, I think it was sort of his last "hurrah." Maybe try to make a HARD deal with his kids, tell them it's your rules or it's nothing. Give them 30 days to find him a new place. Tell them that they can pick their schedule, but you want 10 solid hours a week, split into a minimum of 2 shifts. That way you can get out of the house and go relax somewhere. Between the 2 of them, that would give you a significant amount of time each week to get out of the house. Tell them if they miss their time slot, or take more than 30 days, that's it, the deal is off. Should that go well, you will consider longer. Be FIRM! Nursing homes like the one he is in are no fun for anyone, not only are they completely out of their element, but they are lonely and sad. That can be detrimental to his well-being and he'll decline rapidly. And, make them pay you, $200 per week from each one of them. Have you checked the state that you are in for their guidelines? It is quite possible that you can get paid from the state, medicare, Medicaid, whatever. My dad's social security and retirement plan brought him in about 5k a month so there wasn't anybody going to pay me with those kinds of numbers. Not that I didn't try though. I do fine, but taking 6 months off work was damaging to me. I wish you the best of luck, I know how difficult is, more than you know. Half of the paternal side of my family has struggled with Alzheimer's. Just put yourself in his shoes for even 5 minutes, it's a scary place. They have moments of clarity, I can promise you that, and in those moments, he is feeling scared, deserted, and lonely. If you can live with that, then fine, but if you loved him, I'm not too sure you can. Just keeping it real, that's all. I do not like my dad's wife at all, she's the gold digger I always thought she was, but I bit my tongue, daily. There's way more to my story, but you get the picture, and it is not so black and white. In the end, you need to feel good about your decisions or they will haunt you. Just sayin'.

I am an advocate for home care if possible. But the children saying bring him home to your house until they figure something out is a no no. I can pretty much say once he is with you, they will not be in a hurry to place him.

You need to have someone tell you that it is ok for you to say "no." I am telliing you, IT IS OKAY TO SAY "NO". I think that many of us here, most of whom are caregivers (We have been for my dad when he was suddenly dying), and now for my mother). I am 73, and when my dad died, we had no idea how ill my mother was, mentally. She and my dad hid it very well. We did not live close to them, but visited often, and my dad was always the "talker" of the family, and we did not stay with them, but in a hotel when we visited; so, in retrospect, it was probably easy for them to hide her issues.

A short story even longer, after my dad died, we had to move my mother here. She had several hospital stays, several falls in the hospital and in rehab. We tried to have her live with us, but - in our 70s - my husband and I just could not keep lifting her and cleaning her and our carpets and her bed . Do you know what her main problem was? An undiagnosed UTI. Now she is better and living in AL (rehab wanted her to go to memory care, but she improved), but she will never be what I would call "Mom". I love her dearly, but we knew that my husband (who now has a heart condition) and I (Just had rotator cuff surgery, and have had 2 back operations) just could NOT take care of her. She, in her former self, and my dad would never want us to risk our health. Fortunately, so far, we can help her financially, and we visit her often, and she has people around her that are nice and the workers are conscientious. She may never like the food, nor the fact that she doesn't have her little home, and she will always mourn my dad, but TRULY she is better off living "on her own" in AL.

IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO SAY, "NO." Believe me, it will be better for BOTH of you, and healthier and safer for you both, to have him NOT live with you.

Say no, I cannot. Taking care of him at 76, may shorten your life.
No guilt.
You already cared for him for 40 years. Who helped you in taking care of him? Who helps you when you need it?
If the son and daughter get upset, so be it. Do not let them stress you. Just keep your firm no.
Since the children want to move him, let them do the legwork of finding a better place to give to the social worker.
Then visit as a girlfriend and be the "eyes and ears" and support he needs.
Do NOT take him home!

His kids are nuts. My Dad had a girlfriend and I would have NEVER suggested his girlfriend take care of him - there's no way. A) because she's not capable B) because it's not her problem!

Tell them they can pound salt lol. No seriously, they're bonkers. Tell them to hurry up and figure something out because you need to move - it's on them. Period.

No! You have taken care of your boyfriend for as long as you could. His children have to be the ones to place him somewhere where he will be well taken care of. Also, they can step up and take him in themselves.
My mom has Alzheimer’s and has been disabled 1/2 her life, my dad was living with her and taking care of her until he had a stroke last year. Guess what? We( my 3 sisters and I)
started taking care of them. They stayed in their home but we took turns with the caregiving. We also spent a lot of money on a live in care giver for about 6 months ( for my dad)
All I’m saying is that it really is up to his children or anyone in his immediate family to step up and take care of him or find him a place. You have been together 40 yrs. and maybe technically you are his common law spouse however, you are not in a position to do this alone.
I wish the best for you, your boyfriend and his children.

He’s not your spouse so why are his kids asking you to take care of their responsibilities? I agree with others. Say “no”! You’re up in age and this is too much for you. His kids need to rise to the occasion and take care of their father.

I usually advocate for keeping the loved one at home ad long as possible. But this is a big nope. No insult meant, but at 76 you are no spring chicken yourself and caregiving for someone 24/7
will just shorten your life. Plus you have no ability to make medical or financial decisions for him. You can't do it.

You are so right to say, "No" to your boyfriend's kids. His care is more than you can take on. Trying to do so would set you up to hate your boyfriend, his family and your life. Until his kids find new placement for him, they may need to pay out-of-pocket for the NH. Maybe you can re-frame your own feelings of guilt by recognizing that you are being entirely realistic and reasonable about not being willing or able to provide as much care as your boyfriend needs.

My mother was in a similar situation. She flew from California to Pennsylvania to be with her terminally ill companion in his home. Using her companion’s car, his son had picked my mom up from the airport and took her back to his father’s home where she stayed for several months. In that time, the family took away the car and (if they didn’t have anything else planned) showed up occasionally to watch TV while my mom did 24/7 for her bedridden, incontinent & verbally abusive “boyfriend”. I finally had to convince my mom to leave, drive miles to pick her up as well as arrange for transportation for her return to California.

The answer is already no, and the adult children have to figure it out. They are probably turning a blind eye to his actual state if they are expecting you to be able to just nurse him full time, especially as they were not involved before. Move forward with your move and inform the care center that his family has asked you to take him home and you have told them NO, no justification required (they know) so his kids don't suggest to the home that he is going with you. Make that very clear to the staff, not just a case manager. You have been losing this person for a time and he's not "with you" anymore, you have your own sadness and changes in all this. It's a good-bye of sorts. XOXO

All the care taking responsibilities and issues aside - You can't make financial decisions, medical decisions or assist him in any way other than physically providing for him. I had POA and I still needed to spend hours on the phone explaining and providing proof etc whenever I needed to contact someone regarding mom's medical or financial dealings while caring for her!!!

Not being married, you'll be frustrated and exhausted by the obstacles there are to get simple things done. When you have concerns there will be no one to help you.

These kids want to use you, your money and other resources etc. to make their lives easier. One wrong move on your part and you'll be blamed or sued. Nope...You simply can't help.

Just say no. Do not take this on. You have probably made his life better just by being in it but the idea of taking on his care at this stage of his life is above and beyond and is a recipe for disaster. Do what you can to support him. But don’t make the mistake of becoming his full time caregiver.

Good Morning,

By any chance, is he Irish? I couldn't resist this. I wanted to start out the morning to make everyone laugh.

On a more serious note, this one is tricky because I have lived in an apartment complex for many years and these things go on all the time.

When there's kids involved (Adults) when the sick loved one passes, that's when the locks get changed, the accounts get closed, basically are you willing to do all of this for free. Now unless, he's loaded and you're in your 70's do you have the stamina to commit to this?

What happens if you get sick. The proof is in the pudding. Did you just write, the last time the kids were a "no-show". What would Dr. Phil say, past behavior predicts future results.

Lots to consider:

#1 You are NOT his wife--this legally sets you apart for any type of inheritance, SS, pension, etc.

#2 After his passing, trust me they will gather around for the $$$.

#3 On the other hand, in some families they figure, well there is no $$$
so why bother, what's in it for me...

Stay focused--if you are moving, do just that. Set up shop, put the gas mask on yourself first, even if boyfriend "verbally" tells you he promises to leave you this or that...if that happens, get everything in writing.

I so agree with BurntCaregiver...that is exactly what I was thinking. This is a job for a staff that after their shift they go home and someone new comes in. The kids (grown-ups) don't want to plan a schedule they want to pawn off dad on you because well, you did it the last time.

By any chance, did his kids offer to help you move and get settled?

You sound like you need us to back you because you are probably a very nice person, who is ladylike and doesn't like to make waves. Your disagreeing with someone or anyone is probably not your style.

I have brothers, I can help you with assertiveness training for free!

We have your back...

Keep saying no. You aren’t married and have no legal obligation. Why can’t they take him in? Maybe they don’t want to have to pay for his care and want you do it for free.

You don't have to do anything. You're not married to him. You don't have his POA either. That means you aren't responsible for his care.
At 76 that's too old to babysit dementia and clean up incontinence.
Your boyfriend's kids don't want to be caregivers themselves but don't want to lose any potential inheritance to a nursing home that they may have coming to them from their father. This is where you come in.
You take him to your house when his Medicare days for the nursing home run out. You be his 24/7 caregiver for free and the protector of their potential inheritance from him when he passes.
A hard 'NO' on that. His kids need to find him a different nursing home to go to. The truth is that unless he's super rich or has a good LTC policy, he's going to a Medicaid nursing home. They're not great places most of the time. His kids will have to accept this.
They will either have to put in a lot of time at the nursing home doing for their father to make sure he's decently cared for, or they will have to move him into one of their homes and do it themselves.
You cannot take this on and should not even try to.

Just say no. If you brought him into your home under the pretense of it being temporary, be prepared that his kids will try to make it permanent.

The proper thing is for his kids to take him in until they find another place.

Don't do it.