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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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If it looks like your Dad does need a personal shower assistant, maybe start with a male assistant if possible? My Dad was adamant against the help ( honestly I understand ) but we shoehorned in a guy to bathe Dad and much to my surprise we could hear them laughing in the bathroom! Personality and maybe gender can help so much. That assistant was fantastic
Years ago I remember my Dad didn't want his caregiver to help him in the shower. She later told me, after fussing with Dad trying to let her help, she put her hands on her hips and said "Mr. Bob, I raised a houseful of boys, there isn't anything I haven't seen". That got Dad laughing, and it was smooth sailing after that :)
Can he shower himself? The psw can help him in and out and stand by in case there is trouble and let him do the washing in order to protect his modesty (unless he truly needs assistance), in fact doing just that is part of their training. And scheduling his showers when the psw is there ensures that they actually happen on a regular schedule and take the pressure off your mother to try to enforce this of assist beyond her physical abilities.
The problem is, if your father is mentally competent then he still has autonomy over his body and can refuse to allow a PCW to help him shower. Is he able to bathe himself properly? Maybe mom can bring in someone to help her with other things around the house.
It’s hard to answer this question directly since we don’t really have any information about dad and his limitations but wether he actually needs help in the shower or not it sure sounds like your mom is saying she needs help. It may be more about her fear that something will happen to him than his actual increasing need, it may be that she needs help and won’t ask for herself so she is focusing on dad and it might just be that he is less stable and should have someone physically capable in the house at least when he showers. Maybe the best way to approach this is through one of their doctors and ask for an evaluation of ADL’s for both of them. That way it isn’t you or your mom who are responsible for insisting on bringing someone in. It could be a “normal” evaluation for people with their health issues and not about either one of them specifically being the spouse that needs “help”. Maybe the answer is someone there helping with other things around the house for a few hours 2-3 times a week while each of your parents shower “in case” someone slips and falls to put everyone’s fears at rest but not to “shower” them.
Have you observed your Father attempting to do this on his own? If not then you need to do this. You do not need to stay in the bathroom with him when he is naked. Stay with him until just before. Step outside DO NOT LEAVE THE DOOR. See how it goes. If it a successful process and Father seemed to do ok.. well. If not well.... that answers the question.
If you Mom is having problems getting around her self she certianly should not be burdoned with trying to manuver a man that may also be too heavy for her to handle. If you observe that this does not work and they can afford it, hire someone. You could also in an interim have Father wait to shower until you can be there as a back up to him.
I think having someone there to help if help is needed is a good plan. I used to be in the bathroom and would use an angled mirror to watch my husband. I continued that until I saw that he actually needed help. Then we started using the HUGE shower (that is a zero threshold shower. ) Was easier and safer. I purchased walkers from resale shops that he would use for support. Even though there were great grab bars I could not get him to use them. Better safe than sorry. Start with “the shower assistant is there just in case you need anything” he will get used to it.
He needs to do it if he says he could do it himself and your mother shouldn't have to suffer. Apparently he can't do it by himself if your mom is suffering.
It is very difficult for most people, I think, to accept that they need help with showering and even more difficult when the person is male and most assistants are female. There really is no great answer unfortunately. A male assistant can be requested but that usually can’t (and shouldn’t be) promised because a female would probably come to help at least some of the time. You could offer reassurance to your Dad that the assistants help many people with showering. This might help him be more comfortable.
In general, my Dad had a chair specifically designed for use in the shower to sit on while he showered. He also used a handheld showering device to rinse himself. You could try body wash so there would be less worry that the bar of soap would fall where he couldn’t reach it (or that he might step on it). If money is not an issue, replacing the bathtub with a walk-in shower is helpful so he wouldn’t have to climb into the tub.
Overall though, showering is very dangerous. My personal opinion is that an assistant standing outside the door is of little help if your Dad became unsteady and started to falter. I think better to be near the person so support could be provided if needed. If your Mom thinks your Dad needs help, he probably does. If she is unable, someone else should be located. Better to be safe than sorry. Having an assistant help is far better than falling and breaking a leg (or worse).
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What can she do if he refuses help? Tough situation.
Does he need help or is he just slow due to his age? She can’t expect him to move quickly like when he was younger.
She is most likely thinking about accidents that happen in the shower. My mom had a terrible fall in the shower with me standing right next to her.
When I saw bright red blood flowing through her beautiful white hair, it scared me to death. So, yeah I get her concern.
I also understand that he wants to be independent as long as he can be. They both are struggling with getting older.
Best wishes to you and your family.
If not well.... that answers the question.
If you Mom is having problems getting around her self she certianly should not be burdoned with trying to manuver a man that may also be too heavy for her to handle. If you observe that this does not work and they can afford it, hire someone. You could also in an interim have Father wait to shower until you can be there as a back up to him.
I used to be in the bathroom and would use an angled mirror to watch my husband. I continued that until I saw that he actually needed help. Then we started using the HUGE shower (that is a zero threshold shower. ) Was easier and safer. I purchased walkers from resale shops that he would use for support. Even though there were great grab bars I could not get him to use them.
Better safe than sorry. Start with “the shower assistant is there just in case you need anything” he will get used to it.
In general, my Dad had a chair specifically designed for use in the shower to sit on while he showered. He also used a handheld showering device to rinse himself. You could try body wash so there would be less worry that the bar of soap would fall where he couldn’t reach it (or that he might step on it). If money is not an issue, replacing the bathtub with a walk-in shower is helpful so he wouldn’t have to climb into the tub.
Overall though, showering is very dangerous. My personal opinion is that an assistant standing outside the door is of little help if your Dad became unsteady and started to falter. I think better to be near the person so support could be provided if needed. If your Mom thinks your Dad needs help, he probably does. If she is unable, someone else should be located. Better to be safe than sorry. Having an assistant help is far better than falling and breaking a leg (or worse).
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