My 89 year old mom lives alone and insists on sleeping upstairs. She can hardly make it up a curb with a cane but won’t move back downstairs.

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My 89 year old mom lives alone and insists on sleeping upstairs. She can hardly make it up a curb with a cane but won’t move back downstairs.

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Won't move back to the master bedroom because my dad died in there 5 years ago. We’ve offered to redecorate but she won’t go for it. Like many other situations on here she is controlling, strong willed and independent and can be mean. We went through several years of this with my husband's parents and now my own mother. I’ve never felt close to her but I’m going to suck it up and do the right thing. Any tips on talking to her about her inability to get around? I’m kind of afraid of her. Ps. She is cognitively 100% able just has increasing issues with arthritis.

Aging in Place Arthritis Living Independently Mobility

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Casually mention that you respect her wishes and that you will be available to discuss her options on the event of her inevitable fall and it's effect on her ability to stay in her own home. Bottom line: move downstairs and make it easier on everyone involved.

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I’m back. I was visiting the grandkids in England for Christmas. Well my sister brought it up as well as my brother in law and we got a big not going to happen. I’m thinking of suggesting that we get it set up with a pretty bed and new drapes for those days that she is too tired to go up the stairs. I’ll mention it would make us feel better just knowing she has the option ,then leave it up to her discretion. If she turns that down then she’ll have to take life as it comes . I’d like it if she would agree to wear one of those emergency necklaces but she is too stylish for it. It’s her life

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that’s a good idea — set it up as a “guest room” that looks completely different than when it was their room. Hope you enjoyed your holidays with the grandkids.

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OP hasn't responded since the 19th.

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Again Acorn stair lift is worth every penny. Mom can get up and downstairs easily and safely and still give her independence. We have a Walker for upstairs and downstairs.

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Speaking from experience here - and I realize it might be different with your mother. My mother was similarly independent and stubborn, living alone and sleeping in the upstairs bedroom even when everyone begged her to move downstairs for safety. She adamantly refused.
It took 2 hospitalizations and the post-hospitalization rehabs at home until finally she couldn't pass the physical therapist's test and was too weak to walk up even one step, before she would stop using the stairs and upstairs bedroom. She had falls, but luckily never on the stairs - just in her bedroom late at night.

A caution: everyone thought she was amazingly perfectly cognizant, but now that she has had obvious post-stroke cognition deficits I realize that her unreasonable stubbornness about the stairs was an early symptom of cognitive decline. She couldn't conceive of doing anything differently and couldn't understand the very good reasons people gave her for moving her bedroom downstairs.

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Robinr thank you for speaking the truth!! I 100 percent agree with you!!! It’s called autonomy!!!!

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If I could wave a magic wand and get my mother to have someone come in to help her everyday or go to assisted living I would. But she says no and the law is on her side. Even her family doctor says how remarkable she is doing. She even says it’s probably because she lives alone on her own terms. She told me that.

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I want a magic wand! If you ever find one, please share with me. Hahaha

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Yes needhelpwithmom, I am done arguing with her so I leave her alone.

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Marykathleen thank you for being the voice of reason!!! We are all going to get old and die. Some older than others. Nobody wants to be treated like a 2 year old and told what do do. Let people die on their own terms. It’s the cold reality. If a person is 100 percent cognitive and doesn’t have Alzheimer’s or dementia you have to leave them alone. I learned this when I was in therapy. People are allowed to make bad choices. We can’t control anyone except ourselves.

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My mother is 95 and going through the same thing. Cognitively she is fine. Has a great memory and CRAWLS up the stairs to sleep in her own bed every single night. She lives alone also. Not a damn thing you can do, I’m sorry to say. You can’t control her anymore than I can control my mother. I agree with parise, she has to learn the hard way and feel the burn. Get life alert for her.

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Elaine,

Geeeez, where there’s a will there’s a way, I suppose. I can’t imagine her crawling up the stairs. Kind of sad.

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I recommend going to a doctor’s appointment with her and asking the doctor to initiate the conversation about safety at home. Either that or sitting down with her and talking when you’re both rational. She may be stubborn like my husband and not like to be reminded of her disability and refuse to discuss it until she is ready, or she might see logic, but not be able to visualize where exactly she could sleep downstairs other than the bedroom where her husband died. This might be why she dismisses the whole idea of moving downstairs. Make suggestions for which room could be moved around and where her bed could be placed. It makes no sense to navigate the stairs forever, and she must fear that.

We have had the bed in three of the downstairs rooms (2 living rooms and the study), but then again I enjoy moving furniture and rearranging. Makes life more interesting!

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I vote no to the baby gate.

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Whatever she is feeling, it must be scary and sad. I don't blame her for not sleeping in that room. I would be concerned she might fall down the steps. Try to get her to sleep downstairs.

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Change the room. She won't like losing her DR, LR or Family Rm but move existing things that won't fit out when she is out or upstairs. Move down the bed she is sleeping in now.
Move out old Master Bedroom furniture, & depending on space/function use it as a changing room only..unless a changing/ dressing area can be made in another room.

Privacy: Room Dividers, Curtains on did or tension rod ( no holes)..the ones with the metal circles are earliest to open. Or ceiling mount vertical blinds make. Visual wall when closed and open for 'normalcy' in daytime.

Try to have good light blockage so she can sleep better. Bring down the photo and personal items she is accustomed to.

When she objects, refuse to rearrange things. Tell close friends it is doctors orders! She will have the bed and furniture she feels safe with.

You need to respect her memories & fears of losing your father in the old Master BR!! These are strong, deep emotional..paint won't change! She needs to respect your need to know she is safe.

Yes, EMS can get her from upstairs, but it takes longer...time is brain function.. quality of life in an emergency! You want her to have the best quality of life in her home, and Will Do Everything That Requires, even if it is upsetting to her.

Her health dictated the need! It is hard losing choices, but this choice has been taken from you both!
Again, focus on respect of her concerns about room where her husband died! Tell her that was why you chose this option. Yes, her opinion does matter! That is why she is not sleeping I the room she doesn't want to sleep...die in... Don't say die, let her say it!

Good Luck

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Sad to Say, Mom will have to Live and Learn with a Burn....Get her Life Alert.xx

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How many ghosts have you seen? I felt one before,,,, strange... but if a house was involved, and I liked it? I would seriously have taken it, and get is blessed to get rid of any issues I may have had...

She just may have been grumpy... She may have loved having a loved one around... I would have taken the chance... :_)

Take it now... sell later if it turned out to be an issue...

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Look at all your options... Acorn lift? YOu pay around 3K to have it installed for how long? And you will need a (Goodwill store) a walker on both ends, for her to get around upstairs and downstairs... but where are bathrooms, etc?
Can she actually exist on one level? Arthritis... check out green muscles from New Zealand.. it's the newest thing I have been hearing about... Supposed to be real good. a website sayss take it for 30 days... if you don't feel different, they will encourage you to take another month supply and re-imburse you for the first supply.....
Collegen, calcium. etc/ ask your doc or nutritionist.

Anyhow... a lift is a temporary fix... When Ma becomes too bad... do you have the wheel chair ramp set up to get her outside to the car, or wheel chair access taxi cab? Perhaps, you should ask the doc or social worker to come out and do a house safety check...to see what if anything needs to be done to make if a safe place of older people with issues...arthritis..

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If she insists on sleeping upstairs, that's an accident waiting to happen. If she refuses to sleep downstairs, then you may have to consider installing a riding stair chair - if even possible?

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What about a baby gate in front of the stairs when she may be vulnerable? Good idea?

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We had wanted my dad to stay home to die My mom also was afraid of him dying in her bedroom - I guess I had never considered that would be an issue but apparently it is.

I was thinking that is where my dad would have preferred to die and my mom was being selfish, but maybe there is something to that. Yes, the stairlift. I am guessing she is not a veteran but the VA installed one for my uncle.

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I couldn’t do it. Stay where someone died.

We were offered my husband’s grandma’s home after she died. A beautiful home in uptown New Orleans. We turned it down. That woman was so mean that I felt that she would haunt us! Hahaha 😂

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The recommendations for a stairlift are great! I agree. How often does she go up and down the stairs?

I wouldn’t want to sleep in a bedroom where someone died. No way.

She’s old. She’s stubborn. She’s set in her ways. You will not change her. Where is that magic wand, right? Would be nice if everyone that cared for stubborn parents would find a magic wand in the Christmas stocking this year.

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While still in her own home at age 94 my mother refused to do a little walking every day. Legs had edema. A stroke put her in assisted living on the second floor. She was legally blind and could not figure out how to run the elevator or ask someone for help. (Stubborn ? )The house manager called me about the danger of her falling. I said "Let her use the stairs. I will not hold you accountable.)Eventually she learned the elevator controls. Meanwhile her edema disappeared and she went off one of her drugs. She never fell down the stairs. My advice, leave Mom alone.

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Just leave her alone. she is getting up and down stairs today. Let tomorrow take care of itself. I think getting literature on stair lifts is a great idea. Then wait for her to not be able to navigate the stairs. If she falls, she falls. I recommend letting her do what she wants unless it impacts other people, like driving a car.

As an 85 year old, I do not want people telling me to stop something "for my own good". God, I hate those words. We are all going to die. Right now I have 2 friends and 1 relative on hospice. Most of us will end up in nursing homes. In the meantime, let us live our lives on our terms. She could sleep on the couch if she wants to.

I was at my husband's Cardiologist yesterday, he was telling us about a woman in her 80's that has Metastatic Breast Cancer all over her left side and neck. Her family wants to keep trying to save her, they want him to move her pacemaker from her left side to the right so they can radiate her entire left side. He said he hates to put her through it, but the family is insisting. Don't be one of those "loving" family members.

I think a security button (Help I've fallen down and can't get up) is great. Mention to her that she probably doesn't need it, but it will ease your mind. With my mother we set it up so they called me, then my daughter, then 911. My girlfriend who lived in Southern California and her mother in Montana (for those of you outside the U.S. about 2,000 miles away) had theirs set up so it would call 911 then her. That way she knew something was wrong.

I would remind her that you can't take her in to your home, and what does she want when she can't take care of herself? Then let her decide. Be grateful that she doesn't want to move in with you.

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It is more expensive, but also look at floorplan for an option of an elevator. They have ones that look like a closet door. The addition of accessibility should increase resale value.

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Most people her age use more than a cane. If she's 89 and all she needs is a cane, she's in pretty good shape.

"We’ve offered to redecorate...." I've learned that offering to do anything for stubborn old people rarely ever elicits the desired "Yes please!" Rather than offer, be direct with your mother: "Mother, I'm concerned that you are going to fall down the stairs. What do you want to do with the downstairs bedroom where dad died?" Then be quiet and listen to her.

Depending on what she says, you may have several options for that room. Come back and let us know.

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Suggest a stair lift. Other than that, she will have to decide when she is no longer capable of getting upstairs. Have you discussed selling the house and her moving to a one level?

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Climbing the stairs is actually keeping her mobile and strong, however it's also a serious fall risk. You might ask her if she is going to be ok to have to go to a nursing home if she falls and breaks a bone and then suggest you don't want her to end up unable to walk, just laying in a bed all day. That's how I got my strong willed-can do anything grandmother to give up her ladder (she was still climbing on the roof to sweep leaves and pine needles!)

Several good options listed in responses - the chair lift that would allow her to be able to still use the upstairs portion of her house or making another downstairs room into a bedroom. My bet is she would prefer to keep going upstairs because she doesn't want to change her 'normal' or admit to herself she can no longer keep doing what she is doing.

If she agrees to the chair lift, get her a leg exerciser to use during the day. It will make up for no longer climbing stairs. Check in to the knee shots that might give her a little relief from pain.

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Just a note regarding 'get her a leg exerciser'--after first fall, my stubborn mom only did her PT exercise when the PT came in twice a week, and never in between, as instructed.

Second fall, I did the PT with her for 20 mins. a day, which forced her. After I 'passed on' my role as primary caregiver to my sister (a few years later) and sis didn't care to 'do' the PT, mom Immediately stopped. No amount of pleading, scolding or pointing out that it was for her own good (balance, strength) touched her. Sadly, it kinda made me lose respect for her, and like her a little less--since I saw it as a "I'll fall again, and someone [me] will just put their lives on hold and take care of me."

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Why is she living by her self kind of dangerous just wondering I read a lot of leaving their parents by them selfs not being mean does she have a nurse or care taker come over anything can happen

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She’s living alone because she wants to. Didn’t you see where the OP says mom is controlling and strong willed? We can’t just force our parents to make good, safe decisions. Clearly her mother isn’t alone all the time.

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Agree with Acorn stair lift. It was well worth every penny that we spent. It gives Mom freedom and independence.

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My FIL needs one of those but since he lives in a house with a bend at the bottom of the stairs, it doubles the cost of the thing and he won't spend the extra THOUSANDS of dollars to make it go to the bottom. (I feel like the total was $10K.) The little landing where it turns is too small for the company to agree to put a stop. So... just be aware that it doesn't always work. My in-laws' home was designed and built in a retirement community where you think the architects would have known better.

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Acorn Stair lift. My Mom used hers for 6 years until she had to move. Worth it!

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Is there another room downstairs that could be turned into a bedroom? I had a friend who has a son who had major surgery on his back several years ago. They used their dining room as a bedroom for him for almost a month because he could not go up and down stairs. They added curtains to the entrances to the room to give him some privacy.

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My mother would not leave her home until a professional told her she had to leave. That might work to have her doctor or someone who she sees as a professional tell her she has to be in the master bedroom. They can also suggest she redecorate.

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My 89 year old mom lives alone and insists on sleeping upstairs. She can hardly make it up a curb with a cane but won’t move back downstairs.

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