My widowed dad is 91. He has diabetes, kidney disease, gout, edema and occasional incontinence. He is overweight and not in good physical shape. He also has some age related memory loss and sometimes gets confused. But he still lives on his own in his house, drives, gets his groceries. He is very independent and refuses home care. He owned his own business and he has that self made man identity that makes him unable to see how much his own abilities have diminished.
He got it into his head that now that his dog has died he wants to travel and he invited himself onto our trip to Maui next February. There is no way he is going. He can barely walk two blocks without needing to sit down. He has fallen a number of times in the last few years and ended up in emergency twice. And while he can remember how to get around the small town he lives in, I could not trust him to go anywhere on his own in Maui without getting lost. He has trouble operating the phone on his iPhone and sometimes forgets his pin on his debit/credit card. He would need a constant chaperone and many places we like to go, like beaches for snorkeling and surfing or trails for walks and hikes he just couldn’t go.
I’ve thought about all the ways I could make this work for him but every scenario leads to a trip that is going to be miserable for me and my spouse and has a decent chance of Dad ending up in a Maui hospital, which is a big problem because we all live on the west coast of Canada.
It breaks my heart to tell him that he is too old and frail to do this kind of long distance travel. I know he will be upset. And yes, a part of me feels guilty and selfish, but my spouse and I work hard and need this vacation for us. I am my Dad’s primary caregiver and I get burnt out and need time away from caring for him. Anyone been through this? How did you handle it?
If just getting there wears him out, he may stay at the hotel all the time anyway. So 24 hr provider with him would be company and to keep him out of trouble. Would allow you private time and a break, too.
Otherwise, is there a shorter trip you could include him on? And take a caregiver to help him out. A cruise is a self contained fun ship. He would never have to leave the ship...or possible just use scooter/wheelchair to get into the port shops. Then back to the ship. That might be a better trip that you could do with him - separate/adjoining rooms with someone else doing the caregiving. Might be fun.
They don't want him going on the trip with them and that is understandable. A married couple sometimes wants to take a vacation by themselves. A family caregiver needs to get away from the person they take care of day in and day out.
All the chaperones and scooters and assistance in the world don't matter. The bottom line is the OP needs to get away from her elderly father for a while. As in taking a vaccation from him, not with him. Everyone needs a break from time to time.
I remember when my in-laws invited themselves on a vacation. They're independent and neither of us were their caregivers. We did not get a minute to ourselves. Never again.
You say "No." It isn't safe for you and I feel very sad about this . . . then you change the subject.
Get out your feelings elsewhere - get support from friends, here, social worker. Don't dump on him and explain 'away'.
Be clear and understand why you need to set boundaries so you feel confident (enough) when talking with him. Hold his hand while you do. Don't make it a prolonged discussion. If you can 'tie in' another person staying with him . . . or him doing activities he might enjoy . . . do this. If it was me, I'd make it very short.
Another way, if he forgets is NOT tell him you are going.
Touch Matter, Gena.
Perhaps his caregiver can take him on an outing or two while you're away?
Aloha!
My so’s grandma had a betta fish in her AL. She also had an aide that would change its quart of water every few days. There was no aquarium setup and of course no vet care.
"Dad we love you very much and I know how much you would really like to go to Maui with us but I hope you will understand this is a vacation for me and my husband. We are looking forward to this vacation for just the two of us. Maybe you and I can plan another trip together for another time."
This way you are not telling him he is too old and frail. No one wants to hear that. I am sure he recognizes that himself. But he should understand that this is a vacation for you and your husband.
"Thanks for your replies. I ended up telling Dad a bit of a white lie. We just said that the room we booked was for only two people and it couldn’t be changed. It’s partly true. The condo is a 500 sq ft one bedroom and the sofa probably folds out into a bed but even if he was healthy enough to go it would have been crowded with little privacy. He was disappointed, and hearing that in his voice was a bit heartbreaking, but this was the right thing to do."
Just tell Dad that while it would be fun to do another time this trip is one you and DS have been planning and saving for a long time and just need to do together, a third person isn’t in the plan. So it’s not about him it’s about you and your spouse. Then go and have a wonderful, relaxing time! If you need to suggest you and dad or even the three of you plan another trip somewhere do that, it may or may not happen but it may be important for your dad to dream about.
It is ok to say no to parents. And it is not ok for anyone to expect to join in on another person's holiday.
If he wants further "proof" take dad on a l o n g trip some weekend with a l o n g car ride (that's nothing compared to a treck through an airport and a long flight) I am sure that he would find a weekend exhausting and that is nothing compared to a week or 2 away.
Con Vince him to take his own vacation at a local Assisted Living facility. He may actually enjoy it
Happy travels! Aloha!
But, I encourage you to plan a trip that is at his pace and focused on time with him. Often, cruises are set up for seniors with a variety of activities for younger family members both in port and at sea. A full family vacation would be a memory you would all cherish, and together you could all "tag team" 1:1 time with dad, enjoy full family meals, and have time for your own family, too.
Do you have any siblings? Since you are his primary caregiver, one or more of them should step up and either come stay with your father or take him to one of their homes. Why are you the primary caregiver?
My younger brother and older sister get along with him but for whatever reasons don’t have the same bond. It’s not so much that you choose to be the primary caregiver, it’s that your parent turns to you and trusts you more than your siblings and you in turn feel more responsible for your parent. Believe me, I’ve tried getting my siblings more involved.
I sympathize with you but on the other hand I've always felt that while it's difficult I think pussy footing around things when it comes to dealing with this type of situation is a waste of time.
I think sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. You just have to be straight with your dad. He may not understand but truly if you wait for a person with cognitive issues to understand, the dateline for your trip will have come and gone and you will be no further ahead.
If you have arrangements in place for his care for while you are gone just go and have a good time. His feelings may be hurt but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Make it up to him somehow when you return.
Life shouldn't have to stop for us when we are caring for someone. I don't think you'd want that for someone who may be caring for you in the future.
Just figured out your talking an area 25x20. No, not room enough for 3 and no privacy. Do not feel guilty about this. You and wife need this trip alone. Have a great time.
Maybe the OP would like to be the support person for Dad to have a mini holiday.. ? Or not... ? But I Ieel that is a separate agenda..
Regarding the OP's planned family holiday - with an active itinery planned for herself, & spouse, appropriate for their ages & interests - this is just not suitable for Grandad.
He had so much trouble just getting through the airport. I was a nervous wreck trying to keep an eye on him and two excited middle schoolers. He couldn't keep up so he would find a place to sit and people watch but we felt bad so after every ride we would check back in with him. My vacation style is go-go-go and I just couldn't do that with an 80-year-old. We couldn't cover the ground I had hoped so I felt really gipped out of our trip. And the best part was the helpful people telling me I should have rented a wheelchair for him. I asked how me pushing someone around in a wheelchair would be a vacation for me. Funny how when you are with an elderly person the rest of the world forgets that you might actually have some wants and needs too. I did end up gong back to Florida the following year to Sea World and Discovery Cove and did not tell him.
It's also time to have a candid conversation with your dad about his limitations and become more realistic about what he can and cannot do. His needs are only going to increase. It's better to start managing his expectations of himself and of you sooner rather than later.