My 93 year old mother is bullying me and won't wash. Any advice?

You have limited time left. Stop worrying about the mother who has made you miserable your whole life.

Stage 4 cancer, you need someone looking after and focusing on you! The stress of living with your moms behavior and being frustrated with your sister and the rest of the family is very likely making your health worse and it is time you changed the narrative. Whatever your living situation you need help for you and while I don’t know the details of your situation or the healthcare workings in your country I would hope that assistance is available for a stage 4 cancer patient living alone which is what you are unless your mother is able and willing to care for you too. Even if you don’t feel you need all the services maybe using them will make mom jealous so she wants them herself but at the very least she has to let people into the house there to help you.
I don’t know what the laws of responsibility are where you are but as long as you have covered your bases by letting Mom’s doctors know that you are unable to keep her dry and clean yourself simply due to your own physical limitations and her lack of cooperation you should have yourself covered and I would let her bathe if she wants to, change her underwear and bed pads when she decides to, simply put let her sink or swim and let the chips fall. I’m not saying to offer or try suggesting it, just don’t fight or plead with her, if chooses not to let you help so be it. When your sister comes she will either see that Mom isn’t doing as well as she likes to think and help do something about it or not. That’s her deal to reconcile when Mom ends up in hospital, if she chooses to challenge you on it as though you aren’t taking good care of mom all you have to say is I simply can’t as I’ve been telling you my health simply doesn’t allow me to do all the things I was, I need help for myself and can’t be all of Moms help.
Depending on her actual state of mind you can even tell Mom that she needs to stay in her area of the house because while you know she can’t smell it and maybe it’s your treatment or the cancer itself heightening your sense of smell but you just can’t be around her because the scent is so strong and it means to you she isn’t taking care of herself or caring about you. You can of course leave out that last bit if the possibility of hearing she doesn’t care about your well being is too much. I know this struggle, my mom is incontinent as well and has problems with UTI’s as a result of not thinking it’s important enough to stay dry to do that but she also has dementia and her sense of time is not good and general attitude can be bad when she has a UTI. You have no reason to be ashamed of your family and hope what you mean is your disappointed in them. They may have reason to be ashamed of themselves but their behavior is not a reflection on you and they may not be sharing the true details of their lives or inability to deal with mom, you aren’t in their shoes and shouldn’t even attempt to be unless they choose to let you in and you have the bandwidth for it. You need to step back, take care of yourself and only do the things for others that you want to, that helps make you feel good and if they chastise you for it that’s their issue not yours. They may not fully comprehend how difficult your own health struggles are because you have found a way (running yourself into the ground) to do it all so when you complain a little they figure they are supporting you by listening. Just because they are totally unrealistic and seemingly selfish doesn’t mean they see themselves that way.
I learned through my illness that when people asked how I was feeling and answering “good” or “I’m ok” wasn’t doing me or the people that actually cared any good. When my husband wrote a thank you to everyone who was providing food and help with transporting our son back and forth to school in the community forum of the local newspaper, the meals stopped coming and we had to ask rather than people offering rides. They were still happy to do it and wanted to help but they didn’t think help was needed

And, stop buying those cigarettes for your mother. You do not have to be trapped as she is not gaining your respect. Similar anger from my mother with her mental illness we went through years ago.

Sorry you have cancer. Well, you're no longer able to care for your mom. Do not put up with anymore of her bullying. If she refuses help, call APS police service to explain your situation so you can get yourself helped. You may even die before Mom, so please don't wait until too late.

Your sister shouldn't promise to help and then not do it. BUT there is no law that says she has to help -- she has decided she won't be involved.

You could make the same decision. You seem to want to be a martyr, though. Stage 4 cancer?

Do you live with your mother? Or her with you?

As long as someone won't take action to improve their situation by changing themselves, they will get nowhere. You can't change other people.

Bobby, I can understand your family being alienated from your mother, but why are they alienated from you? It seems like there is a lot of past baggage we don’t know about.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't wait for God to sort this out, nor for strangers’ prayers either. I’d contact every Scots agency that has experts ready, willing and paid to deal with this. I wouldn't waste the last years of health and life in a thankless task.

Difficult situation but unfortunately common.

Contact us for to handle this situation.
https://www.agingparentsupport.com

Would CareScotland be a place to start? (I see mention of Glasgow)
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/scotland/information-advice/care-and-support/advice-for-carers/

So sorry about your situation.

I'm just not sure what you are wanting? Mom to be different? Sister to take over Mom's care?

It does read like nothing will change for you.. unless you start the changes yourself.

I'm sorry about the cancer, as for your mom, maybe she can't smell herself well anymore or does not care.

At least she could agree to have her privates washed so bacteria does not make its way in and cause a UTI

she tells home helps to get out, i even called the police once and she told them to leave..she is 93 and once a bully always a bully.
my older sister should be helping me, she lives about 45 mins away but she has stopped coming over and finds all sorts of excuses.....covid was a godsend of an excuse..never got a visit to help me for 2 years

i will maybe have to risk falling out with my sister who keeps promising to come over to shower her...my sis actually worked with the elderly here in uk glasgow and everytime i want to meet and talk about care she makes an excuse not to meet plus tells me we cant afford a care home

maybe god will help me as i have nowhere else to turn to...she refuses to see doctors to get assesed or even for checkups to her sight

just to give you one example...i made my sister help before covid, i made her take my mum to get a cattaract out...she screamed the place down like a kid not wanting to go to school

i was very sick at the time so couldnt do it...my sister didnt take her back to get the other cattaract out which was painless...my mum is now nearly blind

i actually dont like my mother and i should leave this house..just dissappear as she wants me to leave now as she says 'i just like living on my own' even though i pay all the bills..get her cigarettes, which is about 30 a day..and so many other things

i think i need to stop asking my sisters advice and see what help i can get, but they will just be asked to leave the house by a very violent nasty person ie the person i call my mother and to be honest i wont get any luck for wishing she wouldnt wake up the next day

thank you all for your replies and prayers

bobby

I will assume your from the UK? If so, here in the US we have Adult Protection Service and Office of Aging. If you have something similar maybe you can see if they can take over Moms care because you can no longer do it.

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in with cancer and will definitely pray that God helps you with courage and strength, my friend. I'm sorry too that you're burdened with such an antagonistic mother to add to your stress :(

In the meantime, if your mother is suffering from dementia/Alzheimer's, that's why she won't wash herself; they get very obstinate about doing so, due to the brain damage and their hatred of water/washing up, for some odd reason. Whatever personality they had seems to MAGNIFY with dementia; so if mum was a bully her whole life, well now with dementia, she's an even bigger bully. That's what I saw with my own mom who suffered from dementia; it was a terrible thing to witness and the things she said to me were horrible. But she lived in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility so I was able to keep my exposure to her minimized.

Is there any way you can use mum's money to hire in home help to relieve you and perhaps help her to shower? It would help you to have some time to yourself to rest and relax, if nothing else.

Sending prayers your way and a big hug this afternoon.