I am caring for an aging parent at the end of life from terminal small cell lung cancer. At diagnosis, it was already Stage 4 and treatment was rejected. This was several months ago. I have two other siblings who know nothing of this diagnosis or the fact that death is near. One lives out of state and talks to our parent mostly on holidays and birthdays. The other sibling lives a couple hours away, but due to family estrangement they don't speak. When the diagnosis was given, I was told that I am in no way shape or form to say anything to anyone. Not to family, not to neighbors, etc. I respected that wish and asked a few times throughout this process if that was still the case. My parent had full mental capacity throughout and quite frankly, I see it that is was not my business to tell and I am sure there were reasons for that decision. However, I am going to have to make these difficult phone calls when they did not even know that there was a terminal illness. How would you approach this? It is a very bad burden to have to carry.
Not only will they help you and your parent the Social Worker might be a good place to start in trying to build or re-build this bridge.
The Social Worker might be able to help your parent see that it would be a good idea to inform family and friends at this time.
But that said if this is their wish and they are aware of the decision they are making then that is one that you should abide by. Although it would break my heart to be in your position.
((hugs))
We call the family member that we are not telling anything to and day "call dad", or " call your sister".
If asked why, we say, "just do it".
We call back a week later and check if they've called. If they haven't, well, we tried.
It's worked for 3 generations. It's dysfunctional, but it works out.
Just yesterday, my brother texted me and told me to call my cousin, without further elaboration. Her brother had committed suicide the day before.
When the passing happens, all you need to say is the person passed. It’s no one’s business how someone died unless you want to give out the information.
No one needs to feel guilty, you have no control over sickness, death or not passing on private info about illness.
It’s always the person’s wishes. Maybe your parent didn’t like fake pity and sadness, which runs rampant in society. In addition, having people crying, stressed out, and trying to release their own guilty feelings is stressful to the person dying. I think this is wrong on so many levels. It then comes down to the living wanting to make themselves better and ignoring the dying person and the death process. The dying person should die in peace and comfort.
Regardless this isn’t your decision. Don’t assume more responsibility than you have. You have quite a lot already.
The calls will most likely be harder on you than them although they may be shocked at the news. Do you call them often? If not, they will probably know when they see your number.
I can tell you that for me when both parents were gone, siblings became even more precious. Write out what you want to say. Date, time, any plans for a service if that isn’t known when you call or just leave it open. Are the other two siblings close? The first you call might offer to call the second one.
I would ask my parent to do me the courtesy of leaving a will. If that has been taken care of then the will should speak for the parent and cause you a lot less distress dealing with whatever comes next from the siblings.
Since the parent is of sound mind then those details should be easy enough to deal with.
Have you discussed hospice? Will that be at home or in a facility?
You matter to. You will be presumably living in the neighborhood and be receiving condolences. I would plan my responses accordingly. “The condition was advanced. There was a wish for privacy”. Something to ease the situation and move along and keep you from having to explain over and over. I think sometimes people were closer friends though life but in the end lose the connection. But please do find someone you can trust and are able to discuss these events with.
Many of us have been where you are in the realization that we are in the final days of a parents life and posters do find it comforting to come here for support and hugs. We care. Let us know how it goes.
When you have to make those calls to say he has passed on and they ask what the cause was, say it was end stage 4 lung cancer which was untreatable. If they ask if you were aware you can say yes and explain since your father did not know how long he had he just wanted to quietly enjoy what time was left rather than deal with reactions to the news.
If they continue to pressurise that you should have informed them, you can state that you empathised with his predicament, honoured his wishes yet continued to check in case he changed his view regarding his family being informed in the hope that he would agree .
Should they be selfish enough to continue - point out he was in full control of his mental faculties and wished to avoid any distress at that time, and even though it placed you in an awkward predicament you complied with his last wishes.
I hope that your father may change his mind and give the rest of your family a chance to meet, laugh at memories, cry a little, forgive, forget and become closer as a result
You will have others express anger, it's part of the grieving process. Realize it is not against you, but against the situation.
Calmly tell others, when he/she has passed, that this was your parent's wishes and his/her business. You are honoring that trust.
Having said that, you can't very well pick this moment to argue it out with your dying parent and hope to correct such a supremely self-centred point of view. Of course not.
So, when the day dawns, you will have to follow through by holding tight to your parent's wish and rejecting any blame for it. This is your parent's decision, you are carrying it out, the rest of it is nothing to do with you. It is between the parent and the adult children. You have no authority, so you can have no responsibility.
The only other thing I can think of is calling on a pastor or religious counsellor to listen to your parent and, perhaps, advise a change of heart. It isn't a matter of the children assuaging their consciences; it's a matter of excising the vindictiveness that your parent seems bent on carrying to the grave, and hoping that will benefit the parent.
I can see this coming in my extended family. My Son-in-Law's parents have never approved of any of his choices. They require 2 weeks notice before they will approve of a visit from their children. Then there are a lot of must do this or that attached. They scold so much and have put themselves in the abandoned position. They won't call their children they expect the children, who are in their 50's to call them. I expect my SIL and his brother not to know about any death until it is over. Maybe not even about the funeral. What selfish people they are. I am considered a Grandma to one who isn't even related to me by blood. I might add, I love this kid with all my heart.
You are the strong one here. Some call this putting you in a difficult situation but this isn't the first time you've been on his side. Do the best you can, that's all you can do and he knows it. And some would say what if you were the sibling with information withheld, you would know why and so do they.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
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