I have been dating someone for the last five months. We get along great and care for each other very much. His mother is 65. She is diabetic, asthmatic, (although I have never seen her use an inhaler), has issues with her lungs and has had two stokes in the past. She needs a chair walker to get around and moves at a snail pace.
When he and I began dating, I knew of his mother’s condition; he was honest from the very beginning. However, his mother was not living with him at the time; and, therefore, we had more time to ourselves, even though we both work full time.
She lived in her apartment with her daughter who has four children. Her daughter took part in “caring” for her because she does not work. Unfortunately, the mother’s health has declined under the daughter’s care to the point of being hospitalized. His concern became greater and he decided she definitely needed to go home with him. He knew it would be a challenge, as did I, but we both now see how truly difficult it is. She has Medicaid and was recently approved for a home attendant for 8 hours M-F, but that is not enough and my boyfriend has made the necessary calls to get someone for additional hours.
Although we try to make our limited time special, that time is spent at his house while his mother is in the other room. We don’t get to go out.
I really want to be with him and I know if he had other options for his mother’s wellbeing, he would take them on. His mother has told me many times that she wants to get better. She obviously sees the stress he is under
Part of me wants to give it some time to see if she will be able to get additional care, which would free up his time a bit. Another part of me is thinking about separating. What makes it difficult is that he really is great to me within his means. I really don’t know what to do.
You say she says she wants to get better, what is she doing besides wanting to make that happen?
I would encourage him that he should look at what she is really doing to improve and talk to her doctors about her real prognosis. If she is not trying by doing to get better and if the doctor says she is as good as it gets, I think that she needs facility care.
When a grown human needs 24/7 care for the rest of their lives, which she could live decades, that it is completely unfair for them to hijack anyones life so they don't have to go to a facility.
I don't think anyone wants to go to a facility, but lots of people do fine and actually find contentment in them. I also watched my own dad try as hard as he could to get better because he didn't want to be there and I was not giving up everything so he didn't have to. He worked hard enough that he was able to move out.
When it is to comfortable people get complacent, maybe she needs to see what her future prognosis will be if she doesn't try as hard as possible and she needs to be willing to not hijack her sons life if she won't ever get better.
Only you can decide if you are willing to live and take care of his mom if he won't consider a facility for her. I personally think that a loving parent would never want to take their children's lives over so they don't have to go to a facility. I think that facilities offer much more opportunity for people to get better, socialize and be active and get loving visits from friends and family.
You are in a tough situation, hugs. You will make the right decision for your future.
What I am going to say comes from a 70 yr old woman who was young once. And being young, we don't look at the down side of loving someone. Just because u love someone does mean it should be forever. Five months is not a long time to "know" someone. I definitely at this point wouldn't move in with him. But, I see this as an opportunity to find out where u will fit in the picture. You found out he is a loving son for one. The question is, will he be willing to put his Mom in LTC when caring for her gets too much.
He needs to come to your place to just get away. Mom does have Dementia so he should be able to get out for a few hours. Just make sure Mom is set up with what she needs. Water, a snack. She has gone to the bathroom. A phone nearby but only for emergencies. She is to give him time to himself. Set up a date night. He needs to set boundries now. Mom maybe able to do more for herself than u think. The more she does the better. I have a friend who has diabetes, heart condition and now Parkinsons. Except for help with rides, she is on her own at 70. I think she has gone this long because she has had to rely on herself.
His Mom at 65 will not get better. Diabetes alone does a job on the body. Then throw in she has had a couple of strokes and lung problems.
Be supportive and maybe help out, but don't become one of her Caregivers. Go slow in this relationship. See how he is going to fit you into his life. Help out by running errands for him. Doing his grocery shopping would be a big help. Just don't get involved in caring for her. Do not move in. You will need a place to get away, maybe even for him.
In my book, three is a crowd.
When my widowed sister tells me she's dating men 10 years older than her, and she's 57, I tell her to STOP immediately! She's likely going to be nothing more than a caretaker for them or their elderly mothers who live with a couple of them. If a person doesn't mind a lifestyle like that, then go for it. Otherwise, move on and don't look back.
Best of luck!