My Dad had a stroke August of 2021, found on the floor of the house he lived in for over 60 years. He was in rehab until December 15, 2021. He came to live with us as he still had open pressure sores to be taken care of. He agreed at that point to move to our house in a different state (9 hours away). Fast forward to this month...he told me he wanted to go back to his hometown a couple of weeks ago and then brought it up again this weekend. I said, it would be easier if you would stay here in our town. I can help you find an apartment here...he replied his desire to move back. He is 91 years old, mild cognitive impairment. I give him his meds 3x a day, take him to all md appointments, pay bills, etc. I said if you ask 10 people that know you, what would they say. He does not want to hear that. Another piece, I think he believes that he will be able to drive back in his hometown since he still has a valid driver's license. He has had an assessment and was a long way from passing. His MD has communicated that driving is no longer an option. At one point in the past, he said well I can drive back home and it did not matter the results of the assessment or what the MD said. I said matter of fact, I will not let you drive here or there. It is not safe for you or for others on the road.
I want to be sensitive, I know this is a huge change for him. We all want to be able to be like we were 20 years ago. I think it is in his best interest to stay here but there is not the ability for him to understand and reason himself to that answer.
Looking for any guidance....Do I fulfill his wish and find something back there? Do I take a hard stance and say he needs to stay here?
Thanks!
He may be lonely living with you and your family. As much as everyone loves one another, he needs some people his own age and interests to talk to and, maybe instead of telling you he doesn't want to live with you, he's changed the conversation to he wants to go home. Better than finding him an apartment he may be better in an assisted living situation with the minimum level of care - meds, meals, cleaning. They would also offer some entertainment and transportation. He could do this in your hometown or, just maybe, in his hometown, although that does come with more complications. There probably is no easy answer to this problem.
Make a list of everything you do for him from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to sleep. Ask him who would handle those things if he were back home.
I'd also get rid of his car asap. He'd be a danger on the road. If he owns a car, see if you can get him to give it to someone so driving wouldn't be an option. And just keep repeating that him not driving was the doctor and DMV's decision, not yours, not his.
I'm sure that he's aware he's declining. If you talk to him as an equal, trying to address all his needs, he may feel more heard and validated. Good luck!
You can't always get what you want,
But you just might find
You get what you need.
It's one of the most basic tenets of parenting -- telling kids they can't have what they want -- and now you have to move into the parenting role. You acklowledge their feelings on the subject, put you guide them toward what can realistically happen.
"No, you can't go back to your house
Yes, I know it's terribly upsetting
No, you can't drive anymore
Yes, I know it's terribly upsetting
So now, let's focus on what we can do --together."
That's how you handle it.
Dad may be happy to come back to your area after all that. It’s a pain to organise (and pay for), but it might stop this particular problem. Good luck!
If the answer is no then that is the end of the discussion.
Now to convince him that he must stay where he is.
Would Assisted Living be an option? If so take him on a tour of 1 or 2 places that you have narrowed down the options to.
Would he do well in a Senior Apartment? Or would you still be running and managing his meds and all the other day to day activities of daily living? If so that would put a burden on you and I am sure you don't need that.
That leaves remaining with you in your house.
Tell him that if the doctor clears him to drive then you will consider a move. (from your post this does not sound like it would happen so it just placates him for a bit) when the doctor does not clear him the "bad guy" is the doctor that won't let him move.
My usual answer is put a hat of Common Sense firmly on before assessing any wishes.
Then, sit Dad down & have HIM tell you HOW he is going to accomplish all the steps to make HIS wish happen.
You don't have a magic wand.. so if HE wants this happen, HE must DO it.
Tricky, eh?
Either he can. And you wish him luck as he boards the plane home... Or reality arrives & he starts the process of adjusting - of grieving for his old life. Hard but this is old age! Be his shoulder to cry on 😞💙.
I don't know if this will help, but here is another poster going through similar.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-talked-to-my-mom-recently-about-assisted-living-she-tells-me-she-doesnt-want-to-do-that-she-w-477742.htm?orderby=recent
Last week, she began calling me over and over, telling me she urgently needed to move from her apartment on the first floor at Assisted Living into a larger apartment on the second floor. She said the move was urgently needed so that she could live closer to her friends, who live on the second floor.
I did not answer her calls and let all of them go to voicemail. There was *NO* way I was putting myself through another nightmare move just to save her the 20-second elevator ride from the first floor to the second floor. (Mom has no mobility issues at all and can walk all over the place, climb stairs, etc. with no problem, so this “urgent need” to move upstairs was truly a wish, not a need.)
When I didn’t immediately respond, Mom started calling my sister and my best friend, leaving messages for them about the “urgent move.”
It took about two days for the frustrated, irritated “screaming” in my head to die down. At that point, I decided that, while there was no possible universe in which *I* was going to make that move happen, it would probably be kindest to let *HER* figure out why, for herself. So I took a deep breath and texted my mom back, acknowledging that I understood that she wanted to move to the second floor. Then I asked her, “How will you move all your furniture and other belongings up there?”
Mom said she would see how that could be arranged and would get back to me.
Three days later I received a text from her: “I think it will be easier to just stay on first floor. But thank you anyway. 👍”
So for once, I didn’t have to be the slave or the bad guy. I just handed her the responsibility for taking on the mental and physical load to make her wish come true. I knew she wouldn’t be able to do it, but letting her figure it out for herself worked much better than me saying no. Whew!
If you agreed to his moving, and possibly even started with some easy tasks, (I brought home a box for you to start packing) I feel that at his age and care level he would lose the interest in this. It may be more of retaining his control over his life and being "the parent" than an actual move.
Explaining roadblocks in detail as it pertains to them, not you, also helps. Such as, "This will be a two-hour flight. We will need wheelchair escort service at both airports. I cannot afford a luxury rental car. The condo is on the second floor with no elevator." I don't tell them no, but compare the situations with their daily realities.
So, my point is to find out more about what "home" means to your father. This may then help you meet his needs and also keep him safe. For instance, if he misses friends, plan a visit perhaps, or phone call, or video chat.
If you haven't met with an Elder Law Attorney and Geriatric Psychiatrist, it is time. It's also time to sell the car so that there are no issues with that and get his doctor to notify the DMV that he is not to be driving any vehicle. This tug-o-war may require medication..........especially with the driving issue.
It is time to get him signed up for Medicaid and find out how his financial situation will affect that request. Perhaps he would be happier (or more content) to live in Assisted Living before he moves to Memory Care where he can be around people his own age and find a group to hang out with and do activities. Perhaps a few field trips might show him a different way to live that isn't his home or yours. Test the waters with day care?
Seeing how it's changed might make him change his mind about moving there. And just seeing it again might fulfil his wishes.