My dad has major depressive episodes. He is 64 years old and these started about 6 years ago when him and my mom divorced. I am 29 years old and the oldest of 4 kids ages: 29,27,25, and 21. My dad lived with me, my husband and our 2 daughters who are preschoolers for the last 5 years.
A month ago he moved into an independent retirement apartment.
He is retired and spent about 95% of his day laying in bed each day when he lived with us. He refused to shower and did not socialize with anyone except for me and my family, and a very occasional visit form one of my siblings. We thought having space to himself, but also having a maid, meals being cooked for him, and social activities would help him so we suggested the apartment to him. He was hesitant but agreed that it would be okay.
Over the past month I have called him once a week and visited him once a week on a different day. My siblings have not reached out to him at all. When I called yesterday he stated that since I saw him the previous Wednesday he hadn't eaten, had anything to drink, and had not slept, he also threatened self harm so I had to take him to the hospital to be Baker Acted. They did not find anything physically wrong that would cause the lack or eating or drinking. I am unsure what my role should be going forward. I love my dad and want to see him get better but I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed.
I am unsure what we should do when he is released? I do not feel like I am capable of continuing to help him when he refuses to help himself but I also don't think that not seeing him is a good option.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what my next steps should be?
If I were in your position I would seriously consider reporting him to social services (assuming no one is his PoA) and allow the county to get guardianship of him. They will care for and protect him and you can go on living your life with your husband and kids WHO ARE THE PRIORITY, not your dad.
He can check himself out of AL if no one is his legal PoA or guardian. He will need to pay someone to make sure he takes his meds while in AL (and he can't be forced to do so). In a facility he can't be forced to eat or drink. You must think deeply and carefully about whether you want this to drag on in your life since he's young (only 64) and this could go on for many years.
Finally, please please do not plan on paying for his care IF he even agrees to a facility. Help him apply for Medicaid. The cost of care is eye-watering and unsustainable unless you are fabulously wealthy. This robs from your own family. Please don't consider this an option, no matter what. Your siblings are under no obligation to participate in his care, as much as that thought pains you. But they have perhaps found healthy boundaries that you are just now discovering. Wishing you all the best as you move through this and make decisions.
Do not agree to take him back in when a facility social worker promises it's just for a little while, until they can line up help, or whatever. Once he's in your home again, they will not help you at all. They just say that to get him off their caseload.
Talk to his social worker at the hospital. You can also call Adult Protective Services. Be honest about not being able to help him as much as he needs. They can give you ideas and access to resources.
He needs more care than you can provide so don't feel guilty about not taking him home. You know that you can't give him what he needs and it would be irresponsible to let anyone think you can do it. You need to take care of yourself and keep healthy boundaries or you won't be able to help anyone.
Depression is not the same as mentally incapable. I can tell you care about him and want to help him. It is terrifying when a loved one refuses to help themselves. Unless he has some kind of dementia, his medical care and daily self care, is his own responsibility. You have have no legal right or obligation to make his decisions unless you are his legal guardian (not the same as POA).
I'm in a similar situation with my mother. She promises to cooperate and as soon as she gets back home, it's the same behavior as before. She doesn't want to be in the hospital and also refuses to take care of herself, which sends her back to the hospital. Her medical care staff have told me repeatedly that it is her choice and we need to respect it even though we know she is hurting herself.
I have to remind her (and myself) that she is responsible for her choices and the consequences.
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