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My mom needs a break but is scared to leave sometimes as she gets bombarded by my dad who is agitated after yelling at the caregiver while she's been away. then they argue and he says don't worry about me, I'll leave or then refuses to eat, drink water, etc. How do we handle these situations? My mom feels guilty at the thought of a memory care unit, but I can see her health deteriorating.

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It’s time for memory care , NOW .

Dad needs to be in an environment where he does not call the shots. I was told by a doctor , when it gets this bad at home , they have to be moved to facility care where he does not have family as his hands on caregiver to try to boss around , guilt trip , or manipulate . He needs a village to take care of him , where there are trained staff in these behavior issues , as well as he can receive meds as necessary under the supervision of medical staff .

Move Dad to memory care ASAP, before your mother either gets injured by Dad getting violent or your mother dies of a heart attack or worse she lives bedbound from a life altering stoke.

Your mother can’t live like this anymore .
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serkey Aug 27, 2024
Thank you. I agree that my mom should not have to live like this anymore. I will definitely try to talk to her again about this. Like I replied to lealonnie1, I think my mom sees the good days and just hopes that there are more of those.
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What is Mom guilty of? She did not cause this disease.
Sadly, as it is with long progressive diseases it will only het worse. Mom’s health is just as important.
I am going to say it again, just because one life is destroyed does not mean another has to be as well.
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serkey Aug 27, 2024
so very true.
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Up to 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for .

If your Mom dies from the stress of this , Dad will end up in memory care anyway .
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serkey Aug 27, 2024
yes, this is what I'm worried about!
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Call dad's doctor, explain his agitation, and get some calming meds prescribed immediately. No Memory Care Assisted Living facility wants a resident who's yelling and agitated all the time either!

Guilt should not play into the Memory Care equation because dad is no longer manageable at home. Unless mom feels that her life is less valuable than his. They both need a calm lifestyle, in reality.
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serkey Aug 27, 2024
thank you. my dad was prescribed lorazepam by his original PCP, but his new geriatric PCP and his neurologist are not in favor of treating with it. The neurologist increased his Abilify and that seemed to be working for a while, but now we are back to all this agitation. It doesn't happen everyday and I think that why my mom has a hard time coming to terms with putting him in MC facility, because the good days are good, but the bad days are terrible!
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The manipulation and verbal abuse that your father is dishing out to everyone needs to stop.

Dementia patients become like unruly toddlers, and they'll tell you to leave home if you let them.

Your dad is behaving this way because he's getting away with it and it's getting him what he wants in the moment.

He needs to learn quickly that his behavior will - henceforth and forever more - be getting him less of what he wants. When he threatens to not eat, drink water, etc., okay - no problem.

When he commences with the yelling, stop talking to him - go outside - do something else - don't argue back - don't cajole.

IMO. Dementia patients in the moderate stages are not mental vegetables. They may have forgotten people, places and things but they still know how to act out and manipulate.
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My husband and I have been married for 54 years. Old habits are hard to break. I put him in memory care after his dementia and verbal abuse was too much to handle. With the help of a therapist, I have overcome my guilty feelings. It was a real hard decision and it's true you worry about the care they are getting. However, I am now able to concentrate on my own health and appointments that I couldn't make because of the situation. He has been in MC 1&1/2 yrs and is just now finally adjusting. He still has a dream that we will some day live together. I tell him "that would be my dream too". Of course that would never happen.
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I am really not one to say MC or NH , as the solution for elders, like some do, I'm not knocking them at all or saying they are wrong, they are often more experienced and right.. I'm just saying that is not my usual go to solution. But in the case of an elderly man that has dementia and anger, and an aging wife caregiving, that in my opinion is the only solution there is.

Your moms health is the most important. My dad was very angry and dangerous in his later years. Should of not been around my mom, but mom would of never allowed it.
Anyways good or bad he passed before it got worse.

But I feel very strongly that an angry elderly man should be in a facility, because it's never likely to get better, only worse.

I am very sorry you and your family are going through this, it's horrible thing to go through. 🙏😔
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serkey Aug 27, 2024
Thank you for your response. It's so terrible and so hard to make decisions around this. I feel the 1940's-50's generation being of East Asian descent, it is doubly hard to make a decision to put a LO in MC. The East Asian community often puts a stigma on this type of decision. It's hard for anyone in any situation.
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Serkey, you “often hear that patients deteriorate a bit more quickly in such facilities”. Many patients cope better without any change (other than their own deterioration). Any changes are what lead them to “deteriorate a bit more quickly”. But it IS just ‘a bit more quickly’. They would soon be there anyway, just given a bit more time.
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I went through something similar. My husband has had vascular dementia since 2010 due to multiple brain aneurysms. He was 58. He would encourage me to go out and do something but when I got back, he would just scream and holler at me. It all came to ahead in 2022 when he got so angry at me for calling a support hot line that he called 911. The police and a psychiatric unit came out and decided it was necessary for my safety and his to admit him to the hospital for observation. When they thought he was ready to come home I told them no, and I placed him in a memory care facility. Talk about mad when I went to visit him the first time and if looks could kill I would’ve been dead 100 times over . Adult protective services came out and checked on me the following week as my husband told the police that he had hit me which was not true. The badgering and yelling lasted 24/7…it could be heard on the phone when I called the support hotline. I now visit him about once a week bring him snacks and I worked hard to get his medication straightened out. For the most part, he is happy I believe in the facility.
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michelle7728 Sep 3, 2024
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.

Best wishes
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My sister, with progressive dementia, was horrible to my niece, her caregiver, who was at her wits end. My sister was placed on medication, which was a God's send and which quieted her and made her sane again. After a while she regressed, the medication seemed not to "work" and so was adjusted by the doctor. After a number of adjustments, she seems to have hit a sweet spot, amenable, but not "spaced out". Her dementia is still progressing, but the temper tantrums have again ceased and there is peace in the valley...

Talk to his doctor about medication. There may be a remedy.
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