My brother passed away eight months ago. I didn’t share that with my elderly mom to spare her from devastation. Now she curses me every night because she thinks that I took him to the hospital and I am not bringing him back. She says that he called her and he is ready to be picked up but I am the one who refuses to bring him back. I explained to her numerous times that the ambulance took him. She goes back to her imagination. We are both frustrated. She has dementia and she keeps repeating herself. Any advice?
But DO talk to her doctor about it today.
Have your family pastor/priest/rabbi with you when you tell your mother. Use simple, short sentences that she can understand. You may have to show her the obituary and funeral service handouts. Do you have photos or a video of the funeral? (Our church streams church services as well as baptisms, weddings and funerals and makes DVDs also.) After you tell her of your brother's death, give her the opportunity to grieve.
Telling her might help your mother's frustration or she may curse you now because you didn't tell her that your brother died. She may now say that he called from heaven and wants to come back to earth.
People with dementia often say things repeatedly, it is part of the illness. My mother has various topics that she talks about repeatedly.
Again, I am sorry about the loss of your brother. I hope that you are taking time to grieve his death along with remembering the good times you had with him.
It's my opinion that you should tell her that you did pick up your brother and that he will call after he is rested. Your mom may obsess over that phone call but that is much better for her than getting a hold of the information that he died and having to accommodate that information along with the dementia.
It's not about lying to your mom. It's about protecting her. The news of your brother's death will only harm her and she no longer has the coping skills to deal with something like that.
I agree with Eyerishlass above, do not tell your Mom that your brother had passed. As Mom will continue to ask on a regular basis where he is, and will start grieving all over again each time you tell her. There are "therapeutic lies" that we must use in a case like this. Eyerishlass had an excellent one.
As for your Mom repeating things, that is normal in Dementia. To learn more about dementia and how to help you manage the care, scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on Alzheimer's Care... there are numerous articles related to both Alzheimer's and Dementia. At least this will give you a fighting chance on what works best with dealing with such a terrible disease.