She’s 86. Drives, sleeps, watches the news on volume 100, and polices every little thing going on. Laundry, dishes, the mail, etc. Talks about everyone in the house. Donates to 5-6 animal rescue organizations every month. Nags every person if they say they’ll do something until they just won’t out of spite. Eats nothing but junk food. Will ‘help’ her son, handicapped, but will show her frustration by shoving him or a deep heavy sigh. When I moved in (4 years ago) I brought 3 dogs. We lost one a few weeks ago. The 2 remaining bark at the notifications of the ring cameras. And they also will play chase the cats. 1 is a 70lb bulldog, the other is 120lb French mastiff. Sweet and gentle but protective. Bulldog barked at her coming in the sliding door (notification) and followed her maybe to see what she’d been doing. The weather has just changed here so she normally spends most of the day in her room, but today she trimmed some stuff in the yard. I’m watching as he’s walking next to her but a little behind. She stops, turns, and juts a pair of pruning shears at his face! Almost like stabbing motion! Horrified, I yelled Hey!!! And a bunch of obscenities about wtf was she doing??? She straight up denied it. ‘No I didn’t.’ Was her response when I asked my ex if he saw that? He saw it. This is the second time 2 people have seen her swat at, hit, or do some other form of aggression at that dogs face! Last time I had just as equal of a fit. She also denied that one. She tried to apologize to me but I shut it down by stating the fact that no one should ever have a reason to do that to any living being. Then I snarky asked if she donates to the animal rescues to feel better about how she treats them. I fumed for a couple hours. Then she called my name and asked if I knew where her summer clothes are in the basement. She prefaced by saying I know you don’t want to talk to me right now. No kidding! How about you ask someone else to get your clothes?! And what does it matter anyway? She wears the same long sleeve tops, sweatshirts and stretch pants everyday no matter what the weather. I’m still mad! Who knows what she does when I’m not home? And what if they retaliate? She weighs like 70lbs! I cannot understand her thought process at all. Is this a sign of dementia? I knew her as a teenager and never recall her being mean to anyone. Although, at Christmas I talked to my exes brother about her nastiness and he said oh I know! I used to live with her! I couldn’t go to college fast enough! So I don’t know! Any thoughts?
She may feel threatened by large dogs .
I don’t like large dogs coming near me .
Move out , get a roommate who likes large dogs to help you with rent if needed.
By the way, where I live, if your dog retaliated, they would be put down and you would be prosecuted for her injuries, because you are the legal owner and therefore legally responsible for their actions.
Move out and train your dogs.
While I am in no means defending her actions towards your animals, maybe she behaves this way because she wants you to leave, and this is cheaper than an eviction proceeding? Because if my son were to get married, move into my home with his wife and then get divorced, I wouldn't be thrilled with my ex-DIL still living in my home, especially if my son was still there as well!
You need to move out, like yesterday. For more reasons than I can even list!
I would not put up with a dog "playing chase" with my cat (or my dogs). The fact that they are VERY large dogs you need to control them, train them. (there was a large dog "play chase" with my mini doxie and the large dog landed on my dog and broke her tail. that was an expensive game of "chase")
Second.
YOU are living in HER home.
You need to respect that.
If you think there is even a slight chance that she would hit, threaten, harm your dogs in any way then you do not let them out unless you are WITH them.
If you think your dogs could "retaliate" you need to crate them when you are not there to supervise them. If they did "retaliate" there is no doubt that they would probably be put down by police.
Third.
You need to move.
She lives with my ex. This is his house.
I'm confused. You say that you are caring for this person you call Dragon "in my home" in your profile. But here you say "since I moved in" which would indicate you are living in her home?
Is this mom's home or yours?
There seem to be a lot of other folk in this home, as well, from the dramatic scenes you relate.
I know you understand the genetic proclivities of the "bulldog" and the "mastiff". They were bred to warn, protect and fight. You state your 86 y/o weighs about 70 pounds and ask us "And what if they retaliate? She weighs like 70lbs!"
I think you already KNOW what will happen if they retaliate. In case you don't I can tell you about a story from our town, San Franciso, that occurred about 6 years ago and resulted in the formation of our "Vicious and Dangerous Dog Court". A young child, a boy, was left at home briefly alone with 2 staffies, a male and a female. What occurred cannot be known, because the child was dead upon the mom's return from a brief trip away, and it wasn't a pretty site. That same year two Presa Canarios broke from their leashes and attacked a woman in the hallway of an apartment building, shredding her to pieces. She had done nothing and did not know the dogs.
It sounds as though there is a lot of activity in and out of the home, and a rather chaotic dynamic.
Yes, I worry for your mother. And I worry for the animals as well.
We circle back now to whether YOU live with mom or MOM lives with you.
If the former, I suggest you gather up the dogs and move. If the latter I suggest that you tell Mom she cannot stay with you any longer. If she will not move I can only advise eviction. I would be sorry to see that for someone in her 80s, who clearly is almost certainly ill with a wasting disease already, but I am at present worried for her life.
I do not know if she has dementia or not. I was asking that question. Being told to get a life and move out is just insanity itself. I came here for advice about an aging woman who I used to love. I have a life and I am happy with it. I am independent and successful in case you all had other opinions. Now back to the point of my question. Is this dementia? What do I do about it?
You dont have to like or live your MIL. It doesnt sound like she is likeable or loveable.
Getting back with your ex was not a good idea and it was an even worse idea to move back in.
Seriously. You don’t love your dogs and need to re-home them if you allow that woman to lay another finger on them.
My kids know under no circumstances are they to bring there dogs to my mom's without a leash on in the house at all times, and someone's has to hold the leash.
No matter how gentle the dogs are one swipe, your xmil will be on the floor and that will be on you.
You xmil may never survive a hip fracture.
This is her home, you are the intruder. I imagine your Mil is rather resentful for having to be stuck with someone else animals, and sadly she is taking it out on them. And it's not the animals fault. The only person who's fault is is , is who got the dogs and brought them to her house.
I'm trying to be delicate here, and I'm truly sorry if it came out wrong, but for you, your dogs ,and expcially for your xmil, because this is her house, you either have to move or re-home the dogs.
Mil was there before these dogs and you now, and you can’t just throw her out for your pets’ sake. Humans always come first.
It's dangerous for you and your dogs (and probably everyone else) to be around her. If you don't understand mental illness and the help that is available for it, start looking it up. Also your responses to her need to change. Not blaming you for her actions, but you need to learn how to handle this so that neither you nor anyone else gets hurt or killed.
Don't underestimate the danger.
This situation has disaster written all over it for numerous reasons. Actually, the writing was on the wall, even before you moved in.
I hardly know where to begin. This is about so much more than whether or not your ex MIL has dementia or not.
Ask your ex to take her to a doctor for an assessment. We can’t determine if she has dementia. Dementia affects all people differently.
In your profile, you refer to your 86 year old former mother in law as, “dragon.” 🤔 hmmm…that’s interesting.
First of all, we must give respect to receive respect. Secondly, your ex MIL is obviously uncomfortable around your dogs. I certainly hope that she won’t be harmed by your dogs.
You’re uncomfortable with how she treats your dogs. She may feel intimidated by the dogs and you. So, she lies to you in order to possibly avoid a confrontation.
I know that you are frustrated but have you ever discussed this situation in a calm manner before so that she doesn’t feel threatened by you?
I love dogs and I would never want to see them abused. Nevertheless, I respect that some people are not comfortable being around dogs and I don’t expect them to suddenly become comfortable around dogs.
It sounds like you moved into your ex’s without any discussion or planning.
You knew that his mom was living with him. Shouldn’t you have decided that you were either on board or not on board with living with his mom before moving in, rather than dealing with the aftermath now?
Did you consider what her feelings about dogs were prior to moving in?
It hasn’t worked out for any of you. You aren’t happy. Mom isn’t happy. How is your ex dealing with this situation? Does he take your side? Mom’s side? Or, is he neutral and stays out of it?
Someone has to move, either you or Mom. That is something only you and your ex can decide.
Best of luck to all of you.
Get out of there - or she goes - one of you has to move....and just do it! What are you waiting for?? I cannot think of any other option - your ex-MIL will not improve - the situation will continue to get worse - you are putting your dogs in danger - and if you remain complicit and passive, then you are asking for what you get - which is a BAD OUTCOME. Save yourself - and your dogs - from this happening.
Don’t know if you read my post earlier on this thread or not, but I will say it one more time.
This living arrangement spelled disaster before you even moved in. Did you have a discussion about living arrangements BEFORE moving in?
We all get that you love your dogs. Everyone loves their dogs. I loved my dogs. No one approves of animal cruelty. I truly hope that your dogs are never harmed.
Having said that, I certainly hope that your former mother in law’s life is never placed in jeopardy. She shouldn’t have to live in fear of your dogs, or worse, being harmed by them.
Can’t you see that she is uncomfortable around your dogs? And why in the world wouldn’t she be? If I were in her position, I would probably be uneasy too.
Just because you are comfortable around your dogs, doesn’t mean that others have to be. Why would you take this personally? This isn’t about you. It’s about your DOGS and how they make her feel.
Then, you get in her face and criticize her behavior because she is uncomfortable with your dogs. So, on top of being intimidated by the dogs, she is most likely intimidated by you too.
Honestly, whether she has dementia or not isn’t even relevant because this situation wouldn’t work out anyway for numerous reasons.
Sounds to me like your ex got back together with the hope of a built-in caregiver for his mother.
Unless you have both had a boatload of therapy, there is a reason your ex BECAME your ex. It is a rare occurrence that a reconciliation works out.
I would think long and hard if your ex is interested in you as a partner or is interested in you as a nursemaid for mom.
Perhaps the woman needed more help than anticipated ( as is often the case ) . I hope getting back together wasn’t so OP could be taking on the bulk of the caregiving .
It’s very very possible that MIL didn’t want you to move in, and doesn’t want son to marry you (again). You are all contributing to making this a chaotic living arrangement. Having several incompatible pets is just a part of it. If and when you remarry, are you expecting this to continue? If not, why not sort it out now?
I had a mini schnauzer who didn’t weigh much at all. She was sweet but very headstrong and stubborn. I also had a large 85 pound greyhound that I rescued who was basically a couch potato!
My mom was comfortable with our dogs and they were her best friends but not everyone is comfortable around dogs. That should have been considered before you moved in with your dogs.
Had my dogs shown any aggression, I would have handled the situation. I love dogs but there are certain dogs that I wouldn’t be comfortable around.
Your former mother in law has genuine discomfort around your dogs. That’s a problem. It’s your responsibility to take care of the dogs and not place your former mother in law in danger.
You leave with the dogs, the dogs are rehomed or your mother in law leaves.
Your ex also lives with his mother. She is still driving, so she is likely well, taking care also of her own garden while you feel free to swear at her and refuse to help this 75 year old even to get out clothing she had packed away for the winter.
I think you need to leave this home.
I am amazed she has allowed you to stay this long with her, and with her son, your EX husband.
I think she may very well be afraid of you.
You need to take your remaining animals a leave. If you wish to continue to date the ex or remarry the ex then the two of you should live in your own home.
I actually, the more I read, am a bit afraid for this 70 year old elder in this home.
I have the same impression that you have. This situation has disaster written all over it!
You deserve this and your dogs do to. Move out. If you and your hubs are back together, even better to make a fresh start and get a new place.