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Have you taken him out before? If so, what was his reaction? Will he know it is his birthday? In facility sounds good. May be in the facilities garden. If the weather is nice and he is having a 'good day'?
Chances are, unless it’s very mild dementia, your FIL will not know it from any other day. In addition if there are several other people there, even if you take him to a restaurant, he will become confused and upset. I thought it was a good idea to take my mother out one Thanksgiving and she wound up in the ER 2 days later with chest pains.
If you regularly bring Dad out and he is still cognizant of his surroundings, there may not be a problem. But I’d suggest having lunch with him at his facility is a better idea.
HopieandTommy, I wouldn't recommend taking Dad out for the day as usually the facility will have their own Father's Day event. Your Dad may be looking forward to it.
Once my Dad moved to Independent Living I never took him back to my house or even out for a meal. I wanted him to be on a regular routine. The logistics and getting Dad ready for anything outside of the facility wasn't easy, and very exhausting on Dad. My Dad had sundowners.
Dad's facility celebrated all the holidays within the facilities. It was so nice meeting the other residents and meeting their grown child(ren). And the Father's Day lunch was excellent :) That way if Dad was getting tired [he was in his 90's] his apartment was just down the hall.
Not all alzheimer residents would welcome an outing, but some do. I took my mom out for Christmas dinner 4 months before she passed. The restaurant was just about empty and the wait staff quickly recognized the situation and were all very kind. If you are talking about Father's Day or a busy restaurant, I'd vote no. How long has your Fil been in the facility? You might suggest to your husband that he take him out on Saturday to a quiet place. It could be a trial run for future outing --- but be prepared for ALL situations. Some patients begin to panic, others are upset by crowds or noise. Most can't navigate a menu, so hubby should be prepared to suggest a known favorite meal option. If you do take him out, be sure to notify the facility ahead of time so they can have him toileted and ready to go.
I also vote "No" to taking your Father-in-Law out to eat at a restaurant especially on a busy day like "Father's Day".
Going out to eat can be very tiring and exhausting and when a person with dementia or Alzheimer's get tired, they tend to have some behaviors and get irritated and upset easily.
When my Mom was still able to get into a car with assistance of 1 person, I would take her for a car ride for 30-60 minutes (something that we had done often over the 9+ years that we lived together) and at the end of the car-ride, I would go through the drive-thru of her favorite fast food restaurant and get a meal which we took back to the facility and ate in the dining room at the nursing home. Now that Mom has to use a mechanical lift for transfers, we reserve one of the small private dining rooms that the nursing home has available and bring "Take-out" food from the restaurant and a cake. The nursing home provides paper plates, silverware and drinks if we ask for them. We can also purchase meals from the nursing home if we eat at the same time they are serving the residents.
No matter what you do, always call the nursing home and tell the nursing staff on the unit where your Father-in-Law is what you plan to do so that they can toilet him prior to your little "Get-Together" & put clean clothes on him for photos that you take that day.
1. How are you going to transport him? I only ask because my loved one is unable to get in and out of a personal vehicle. Sometimes I point that out to people (including close friends and family) and they look at me like I am nuts. Who can't ride in a car? Right? But seriously, PLEASE be sure he can really, truly get in/out of a car before you attempt it. My loved one can only travel by medical van or ambulance - which is private pay. Getting in/out of a car is VERY complex when you stop and think about it. Most of us take it for granted.
2. Once you get where you're planning to take him, how much assistance will be honestly, truly needed? Mine needs help with everything - including restroom. Will there be someone present for the entire time who's both willing and able to help with all of that?
3. Will leaving the facility frustrate, exhaust, or otherwise cause stress for your loved one? Those of us who are independent often don't consider that things we believe are "fun" could be upsetting to someone who is physically or mentally compromised.
4. Is it OK with the facility for you to take him? Our loved one's condition dictates that she must be approved to leave the facility for any reason - including outings the facility itself is taking her on. Outings her family might (innocently) dream up would be a whole different set of issues (potentially).
That's a rather decisive NO, isn't it? In the midst of looking after my wife at home with Alzheimer's for the past seven years, the key is to make sure she (and others with dementia)feel connected to you and protected. Taking him out on a day that is special to you, but confusing to him is unlikely to be helpful. I think C S Lewis has it right in The Four Loves--friendship, affection, charity, Eros (the experience of being in love, with or without a sexual side). However, whenever possible it is the Person Living with Dementia (PLwD) who should choose what kind of love they wish to experience and when. My experience is that the order is friendship, affection, charity, Eros--FACE, but slowly, always slowly when relating to a PLwD.
The key thing is to ADAPT on a daily, or rather minute-by-minute, basis. Stay alert to changes in mood, fears and hopes. A sit in the garden at the facility, joining in the celebrations there sounds an attractive idea.
Having read these answers makes me think of when someone (I don’t know who came up with the idea) decided to take my mother out to eat on mom’s birthday. She loves Cracker Barrel food. I order for her now because we know one another’s favs. Anyway I don’t know if my dad thought to take her, my daughter said she’s along to be caregiver. So it seems innocent enough doesn’t it?
Let’s say it was a learning experience for me! I believe you need at least two people to watch the person with dementia. I have mobility problems and can catch mom (yes, she darted away a couple times), but I’m slow with a pronounced limp. My dad is oblivious to what is going on (he’s the king) and I had to scream for my daughter, who RAN to catch mom.
Mom was headed to the ladies room and was urinating in the middle of the floor when my daughter caught up. Daughter cleaned her up and informed me that whichever staff helped mom dress that day had put ordinary panties on her. Can I just say I was embarrassed and feeling sorry for whoever had to clean the ladies room and for mom.
But she did seem to enjoy her day! She went ‘home’ happy. We were a wreck. I’m planning any future outings on quiet days in midweek, no noisy or chaotic places, no noisy or chaotic PEOPLE, etc.
We are amateurs obviously (just read some of my answers). I think our next outing will be in an outdoor setting and we’ll eat in a smaller, quieter place! The AL facility has a huge sunroom too, screened in...
There are several ladies at mom's nursing home who go out with family often, it really depends on your unique situation.... might he refuse to return, become combative, attempt to run away? be overwhelmed by all the activity at your family event? Is your husband committed to entertaining him and looking out for his needs for the entire visit? Would FIL actually enjoy the outing?
To add to my earlier post, when my parents were still living in their house, Mom could no longer cook the great meals she us to do, and I was no cook. So when we found out that Olive Garden had carry-out [same meals as offered on their restaurant menu] we decided to do that. It was prefect. No dishes to wash, and enough food that my parents had 2 meals each from their order :) And we were able to talk to each other quiety instead of using our outside voices when in the restaurant.
We did the above for many years, and even though my parents have passed on, my sign other and myself still do the Oliver Garden carry-out. For Mother's Day we didn't bother to carry-out because the restaurant would be soooo busy, that we did the next day instead.
One time one of my Dad's caregiver took Dad out for Thankgiving at a family restaurant since both my sig other and myself were working. The caregiver said Dad enjoyed his meal but it was tiresome standing in line to wait even though they went earlier, and the noise level was so high that Dad couldn't hear the caregiver to talk.
My Mom could only tolerate one hour at a time even early on. My husband is extremely hard of hearing. Mom was living with us and I was caring for her 24/7. We went out a lot just to get out of the house. This one time we went to a Pizza place. In walks a classmate, then a couple from church and last a former fellow worker. I introduced everyone and we starting talking. (I am a talker) Mom wanted to leave and so did my husband but I said NO, this was my socialization time.
Its hard taking a loved one out. We do it for them but...they no longer have the ability to appreciate what you are doing for them. By the time all is said and done you are exhausted. I agree, pick a day that there won't be crowds. A small place with no loud music. Figure you are going to get in and out. So pick a fast service place. Think of it as taking a baby out and every scenario that could happen and be ready for it.
All good ideas. I often took mom and dad out for a meal and agree that choosing quieter times during the week is better and yes, be vigilant about the facility dressing mom or dad in the proper attire (i.e.. depends, leg catheters etc.) If you want to streamline further, I also took them out mid-afternoon for a ride in the car. You use the drive-through, coffee and munchkins, french fries, or frappes, and find a quiet place with a view for a "car picnic." Anything to get them out and about as long as they can tolerate it. Although they require hard work, these outings can be the source of wonderful memories.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If so, what was his reaction?
Will he know it is his birthday?
In facility sounds good. May be in the facilities garden. If the weather is nice and he is having a 'good day'?
If you regularly bring Dad out and he is still cognizant of his surroundings, there may not be a problem. But I’d suggest having lunch with him at his facility is a better idea.
Once my Dad moved to Independent Living I never took him back to my house or even out for a meal. I wanted him to be on a regular routine. The logistics and getting Dad ready for anything outside of the facility wasn't easy, and very exhausting on Dad. My Dad had sundowners.
Dad's facility celebrated all the holidays within the facilities. It was so nice meeting the other residents and meeting their grown child(ren). And the Father's Day lunch was excellent :) That way if Dad was getting tired [he was in his 90's] his apartment was just down the hall.
If you are talking about Father's Day or a busy restaurant, I'd vote no.
How long has your Fil been in the facility? You might suggest to your husband that he take him out on Saturday to a quiet place. It could be a trial run for future outing --- but be prepared for ALL situations. Some patients begin to panic, others are upset by crowds or noise. Most can't navigate a menu, so hubby should be prepared to suggest a known favorite meal option.
If you do take him out, be sure to notify the facility ahead of time so they can have him toileted and ready to go.
Going out to eat can be very tiring and exhausting and when a person with dementia or Alzheimer's get tired, they tend to have some behaviors and get irritated and upset easily.
When my Mom was still able to get into a car with assistance of 1 person, I would take her for a car ride for 30-60 minutes (something that we had done often over the 9+ years that we lived together) and at the end of the car-ride, I would go through the drive-thru of her favorite fast food restaurant and get a meal which we took back to the facility and ate in the dining room at the nursing home. Now that Mom has to use a mechanical lift for transfers, we reserve one of the small private dining rooms that the nursing home has available and bring "Take-out" food from the restaurant and a cake. The nursing home provides paper plates, silverware and drinks if we ask for them. We can also purchase meals from the nursing home if we eat at the same time they are serving the residents.
No matter what you do, always call the nursing home and tell the nursing staff on the unit where your Father-in-Law is what you plan to do so that they can toilet him prior to your little "Get-Together" & put clean clothes on him for photos that you take that day.
1. How are you going to transport him? I only ask because my loved one is unable to get in and out of a personal vehicle. Sometimes I point that out to people (including close friends and family) and they look at me like I am nuts. Who can't ride in a car?
Right? But seriously, PLEASE be sure he can really, truly get in/out of a car before you attempt it. My loved one can only travel by medical van or ambulance - which is private pay. Getting in/out of a car is VERY complex when you stop and think about it. Most of us take it for granted.
2. Once you get where you're planning to take him, how much assistance will be honestly, truly needed? Mine needs help with everything - including restroom. Will there be someone present for the entire time who's both willing and able to help with all of that?
3. Will leaving the facility frustrate, exhaust, or otherwise cause stress for your loved one? Those of us who are independent often don't consider that things we believe are "fun" could be upsetting to someone who is physically or mentally compromised.
4. Is it OK with the facility for you to take him? Our loved one's condition dictates that she must be approved to leave the facility for any reason - including outings the facility itself is taking her on. Outings her family might (innocently) dream up would be a whole different set of issues (potentially).
The key thing is to ADAPT on a daily, or rather minute-by-minute, basis. Stay alert to changes in mood, fears and hopes. A sit in the garden at the facility, joining in the celebrations there sounds an attractive idea.
Let’s say it was a learning experience for me! I believe you need at least two people to watch the person with dementia. I have mobility problems and can catch mom (yes, she darted away a couple times), but I’m slow with a pronounced limp. My dad is oblivious to what is going on (he’s the king) and I had to scream for my daughter, who RAN to catch mom.
Mom was headed to the ladies room and was urinating in the middle of the floor when my daughter caught up. Daughter cleaned her up and informed me that whichever staff helped mom dress that day had put ordinary panties on her. Can I just say I was embarrassed and feeling sorry for whoever had to clean the ladies room and for mom.
But she did seem to enjoy her day! She went ‘home’ happy. We were a wreck. I’m planning any future outings on quiet days in midweek, no noisy or chaotic places, no noisy or chaotic PEOPLE, etc.
We are amateurs obviously (just read some of my answers). I think our next outing will be in an outdoor setting and we’ll eat in a smaller, quieter place! The AL facility has a huge sunroom too, screened in...
Cracker Barrel has takeout by the way!!
might he refuse to return, become combative, attempt to run away?
be overwhelmed by all the activity at your family event?
Is your husband committed to entertaining him and looking out for his needs for the entire visit?
Would FIL actually enjoy the outing?
We did the above for many years, and even though my parents have passed on, my sign other and myself still do the Oliver Garden carry-out. For Mother's Day we didn't bother to carry-out because the restaurant would be soooo busy, that we did the next day instead.
One time one of my Dad's caregiver took Dad out for Thankgiving at a family restaurant since both my sig other and myself were working. The caregiver said Dad enjoyed his meal but it was tiresome standing in line to wait even though they went earlier, and the noise level was so high that Dad couldn't hear the caregiver to talk.
Its hard taking a loved one out. We do it for them but...they no longer have the ability to appreciate what you are doing for them. By the time all is said and done you are exhausted. I agree, pick a day that there won't be crowds. A small place with no loud music. Figure you are going to get in and out. So pick a fast service place. Think of it as taking a baby out and every scenario that could happen and be ready for it.