My father insists that he wants to die at home and will not go into a care facility, however his household conditions are not good. What are my options?

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My father insists that he wants to die at home and will not go into a care facility, however his household conditions are not good. What are my options?

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He has basically hijacked my entire life and is insisting that I take care of him until he dies. He lives in an old mobile home next door to me and it is falling apart. He will do nothing to help care for himself, threatens to "blow his brains out" if I try to put him in a home. I have absolutely no help and I work a full time job. What he is expecting of me is far beyond what I am capable of. His house is in very poor condition, when he was well he did not take care of it and lived in filth...now that he is unwell, it is far worse. Beyond anything I can do. Honestly, it should probably be condemned. I cannot have him live with me, we do not get along that well and it would be a far worse situation than I am dealing with now. My doctor told me my blood pressure is very high (I have never had high blood pressure in my life). My father needs nursing care. He does not bathe himself even though he lies to me and says he does. He smells horrible. I do his laundry, however, he rarely changes his clothes. I am really at my wits end and do not know how much longer I can continue living this way. I definitely cannot take care of him for another winter, this is definitely the last. He has very little money. He is a Veteran of Korean war. I do not know what resources are available to him. I really need to talk to someone about options so I can get control of my life back. Someone recently suggested to me that if I don't do more for him I could get in trouble for elder neglect because of his living conditions....which scared me, however I cannot do more for him. I am not a nurse, I have to work full time, and I am just not capable of doing more than I already am doing.

Burnout Family Caregiver Parents Refusing Care

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call Adult Protective SErvices and indicate that he cannot live alone

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seniorvet.com

If you get him into a facility that can care for him correctly and he is able to, "blow his brains out" then that is not your fault. Suicide is never someone else's fault. My guess is he is using that to control you and it is working. If you can not get him into a facility I would definitely call Adult Protective Services.

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I had the same thought as the others. Call Adult Protective Services and have them come out and evaluate your dad. In the meantime find an assisted living facility and keep them on the back burner just in case your dad has to move. Be prepared.

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You could apply for VA Aid and Attendance and use that money to hire in some help for him, bathing, cleaning, and a bit of care. Otherwise I agree with the other's. The future will change. Baby steps and thought out (even though not perfect)plans.

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My Mom threatened the same thing and she had a gun in the house. It was an ugly scene but we called police and an ambulance came because of her high blood pressure. She went to the hospital where they found she had a UTI and re-evaluated her Alzheimer’s level. It was all extremely stressful for all but she did get a social worker who advised us of options. She is currently living with me by choice. Tell the social worker he’s a vet and they can get you started on the path for his care. Take a breath it will work out. God bless

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Sorry you are dealing with this. He sounds like he's eligible for the VA benefit, which is not easy to get without help. Google aid and attendance veterans benefit, there are people who will help you. You can get him more than $1000 per month for in home services. But you need his service papers and discharge papers. That can be hard to get if he did not keep copies.
I was able to get the benefit for my mom after about 8 months of working at it. What state are you in?

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Contact the VA. They can help with a variety of services.
Until that is in place if he threatens to "blow his brains out" again call 911 and tell them that this person has threatened suicide. That may get him into the hospital on a hold. During that time you could see what can be done to clean up his home. (If he is a "Hoarder" this may backfire though as that is another psychological problem)
If he has a "life limiting" illness he may qualify for Hospice. That would get help in a few times a week, bating as well as supplies and any equipment needed. You will also have a Social Worker on the team and he or she might be able to help with the living arrangements. Or at least help deal with what is there.
Keep on the VA about services. There is Homemaker, respite, and a variety of other services as well as Aid and Attendance if he qualifies.

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I think contacting the VA immediately, as well as Adult Protective Services, would be best. Others have suggested that the VA will provide home care for him, cleaning and so on, but he would still be next door and you would still be relatively responsible for what becomes of him. He would still be threatening to kill himself, throwing out guilt and manipulation every chance he gets, because it seems to be working. The VA may be the best solution, but whatever happens, there is a solution to get some other entity to take care of him instead of you.

As far as I know, there are VA facilities in which he could live "free," or with whatever income he has being acceptable. My uncle left his wife after many years for another woman, who had been in the Army for four years in the 1940's. Because of her service, they moved into a VA facility (in California, but I imagine they are everywhere). The facility had various levels of care, from independent to bedridden and everything in between. After she died unexpectedly, my uncle stayed on until he died years later, paying for his care with only his social security income.

I have just looked at the US Government Department of Veterans Affairs website, and there is a section called "Geriatrics and Extended Care." This discusses nursing homes, assisted living homes, etc., all about various locations where veterans may live. It's very informative, and there are phone numbers for contacts and help.

I would do my best to find a new location for your father, whether it's a nursing home through Medicaid or through the VA. You don't deserve this burden. Be strong! Best of luck to you.

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It's all very stressful. I'm an Old Bachelor and took care of a relative at his request. I did have him in a facility for the last two months.

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I took care of my father for a while, so he could stay in his home. He refused to go to the doctor or the hospital. He threatened me and my son. I did finally get him to accept hospice care, and that helped a little bit, but from some of the comments I heard, they seemed to assume that I would find a way to hold up despite the threats to my safety and my health, not to mention that I had to spend much of my own money to care for him. After numerous calls to the police, emergency services, and APS, (who all told me there was nothing they could do) and one scary night and morning, I left. I knew hospice would be arriving shortly. In short order, they called APS and their office, and soon had my dad in their facility. I'd been told several times that he had the right to refuse to go, and the police told me that unless he actually did something, or if he went outside the home and did something, there was nothing they could do, so it was doubly interesting that when hospice arrived, they were able to remove him so quickly. I felt awful, and my father was angry with me, but I am more angry at a system that wants to heap guilt on a family member whose available rather than consider the safety and health of that person and the sick person. My advice to you, get the authorities involved, call APS and if it's available, your state's Committee on Aging or its equivalent. As a veteran, he might be eligible for some type of home health care or other benefit. Call the VA rep in your area. Don't sweat the small stuff, either. When hospice came in, they did his laundry, which was a big help, but honestly, clean laundry was the least of our problems. Call in clergy. I was finally able to get my father to go for a scan after he talked to his priest. If you get him to a hospital, see if you can get him admitted. I made the mistake of letting my father come home after his scan, even though he acted so bizarrely during the scan that the hospital was trying to convince him to stay. In the end, my father ended up in a nursing home and he passed away a week ago. He was only there a few months. There was a financial hit to the estate, such as it is, nothing's free. But the way my father ran things, I doubted anything would be left, anyway. Ultimately, my feeling was that he was safe and taken care of by professionals. I was able to visit him as often as I wanted, and he calmed down eventually. I was able to take care of my health. Good luck, and take care.

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Becca, if your dad is a Korean war vet he will definitely qualify for VA services, I agree with others that the threat to kill himself is a sure fire manipulation method of you. Call 911 and report that he is threatening to kill himself, that will put you on the fast track to getting him in an environment that his NEEDS will be met.
Know that most people that intend to commit suicide NEVER talk about it or throw it out there to get their own way, it is not about controlling others when it is real, so stop responding to his vicious manipulation with catering to him and killing yourself in the process, your high blood pressure is a very real danger to you. Many caregivers die because of the stress and lack of self care while trying to be good daughters, sons, wives, etc. to selfish unreasonable loved ones, please do not allow yourself to become a statistic. It is never easy when the people that raised us start pushing our buttons, they know every one of them, remember they created most of them and the guilt that accompanies our response if it differs from their will. Love him through this by doing everything in your capabilities to make sure he is in a place with professionals where his NEEDS are being met, also expect some ugly words from him, he is used to using them to bend you to his will, smile, say I love you and walk away, it is okay to NOT be his scratching post. My dad told me I didn't need to come see him everyday, which was when he first went into skilled nursing, I said okay, walked out and did not come back for 3 days, he was happy to see me and has stopped being so ugly with me. I see him once a week now and even though he thinks it should be more, it is what I can handle right now, choices and consequences, we all have to live with our own.

I pray you find peace in this hard journey and take care of yourself. Please keep us posted on your progress, cuz you can do it girl!

God bless you in this New Year and give you strength to deal with your unreasonable dad.

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Aids and Attendance is not a quick fix. It takes a while and you have to have the propper paperwork. It can only be gotten if u were in during wartime. But the VA does have nursing facilities. I agree, get your Office of Aging involved first but call ur local county VA office. Your father needs to be evaluated. He could have a psych eval and that is for 72 hours. Do not allow anyone to tell u have to take him. Tell them that he is verbally and psychologically abusing u. That u have bloodpressure problems because of it. He really needs more help than u can give. Your APS or Office of Aging could have his trailer condemed. If u get to the point a Social Worker gets involved make sure they know he is a Vet. If u get him out of his trailer, I would hunt for as much military info I can find. Just don't back down.

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If he is admitted to the hospital for a psych hold, DO NOT sign anything that you are responsible for him! You can refuse to participate in his care and allow the state to take over as guardian. They can decide a placement, how to pay, etc, and you can still be his dear daughter and visit him wherever that happens to be. But you will not be in the thick of it or subject to his abuse. You will be able to walk away, a very important tool against abuse.

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Get him into a facility - they don't allow as much as an aspirin much less a gun - when my dad's place found meds in a drawer I had to clean it out & remove them - most were over the counter & expired but if other residents found them there could be issues

Many elderly use the guilt of suicide to control their family & it's rare that they do it however should he find a way that is his call - yours is to stop being manipulated by your dad get him the CARE HE NEEDS NOT WHAT HE WANTS because he's not playing with a full deck by the way you describe his living squalid conditions -

You need to call someone sooner than later to deal with him as he seems to be beyond any single person's help - don't tell him when you call so he is not able to lock doors etc - if ambulance is coming ask for no siren so as not to alert him

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As others have said. Call office of aging, get some help before you have a stroke, What is it they call strokes? Oh, the heart attack that fails. If he threatens suicide again, call 911 don't minimize the danger when they get there. If they take him for a 72 hour hold, tell them you can't have him back because you can't take care of him. Don't let them bully you into taking him back. I am old too and I understand where he is coming from, BUT, you must take care of yourself first.

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First, I am so sorry that you are taking care of this alone. Many people have commented that you could look into some type of in home support services. I have found that when the living conditions are as bad as you indicate, most caregivers will not work in those conditions. It is so sad that we truly have so few options for people like your father. In the area that I live, if Adult Protective Services was called out, they would probably say that he chooses to live like that and APS would do nothing. You can try APS, Veteran’s Admin., and see if the city you live in has case managers that work with seniors. You might want to try a mental health Social Worker. There may be mental health issues contributing to his decision making. Most importantly don’t go this alone. Keep reaching out until you get help with him.

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Adult Protective Services needs to be called to remove the firearms (since you already said he has threatened to blow his brains out, he must pack [firearms]). A person living in filth is not healthy; moreso, is creating a fire hazard and puts Emergency Medical Services at risk when they have to rescue him but are unable to do so because the place is in a hoarding situation. He should be receiving VA benefits.

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If his home is falling apart, there are some agencies that will do some repairs at no cost. Call United Way in your area they can give you some agencies names and numbers. Unfortunately, as parents age they do not like to be removed from their environment no matter how much we think it is best for them. Do you know anyone who could check on him or sit with him periodically? It would be a break for you, too.

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Momsabessing: This is an unsafe environment for the gentleman. He is no longer the person who makes decisions about his wellbeing.

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Know that most people that intend to commit suicide NEVER talk about i

I know you qualified this, and I agree that in this case it is a manipulation tactic, but people who are seriously considering suicide do reach out for help by mentioning it.

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McAllen, if you are going to address someone's answer, please show the entire quote. Look it up, statistically once someone has made up their mind to do it, all pleas for help are a thing of the past, they intend to do it and feel that it is pointless to say more as their cries for help went unheard.
Someone that is using it to get there way, never intends to do it in the 1st place, they are playing mind games with someone, and honestly that ticks me off.

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Becca, I thought my dad wasn't bathing because he stunk horribly, turned out he had fungal infections under his arms and the pannis (?) belly roll. Could be something like that going on, maybe.

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If this trailer is within city limits, have you ever contacted the city regarding the condition of this trailer and inform them there is an elderly person living in there? Another place to contact is APS as mentioned here. Don't let him hijack your life, he can only do this if you let him. Just don't cater to him, just step back and let the pros take care of this problem for you. Talk to the patient once more and get a video recording to strengthen your case about him threatening self harm and turn that in to the proper authorities

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My mother had the same problem as Isthisrealyreal's dad. She had this infection on her stomach and under her breasts. First time she took her dress off and I smelled her I thought I would fall over. To be honest, she wasn't bathing as she should either. She was afraid to get into the tub so she was sponge bathing. You know she didn't tell me she was having the problem. Keeping folds of skin dry can be a problem.

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If you use deodorant/anti-persperant stick in skin folds that reduces build up of sweat & that cheesy white residue - even under women's breasts in summer makes you more comfortable - I told a cousin & in heat of summer she is down to 1 shower a day from 3 or 4 - good also for the tummy folds - not on topic but for above mention

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My father insists that he wants to die at home and will not go into a care facility, however his household conditions are not good. What are my options?

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