He is totally depending on the Care Centers help. He also has a permanent catheter/collection bag hanging on his leg. He thinks he can live alone & thinks everyone has taken his money, all this creates his anger/unhappiness. They all say 'nothing can be done about this ' I don't believe making him a zombie with meds is the answer?? Help!
It may be time for the Therapeutic Fib. When Dad starts talking about living on his own again, tell him that when the doctor says he’s better you’ll talk about going home. Keep telling him that, because a half-hour after he makes the comment and gets the answer, he’ll forget about it. Are you POA? You can also tell him you called the bank and all his money is safe and fine. It does get tiresome to keep repeating these fibs, but it’s necessary to keep Dad calm.
Anger, confusion, hallucinations delusions and paranoia are all part of this nasty disease. There is no reasoning with the people who suffer with it or convincing them they’re wrong. That’s the reason for the Therapeutic fib.
Time to polish up the Therapeutic Fibs. "The bank was worried about possible identity theft. They helped me move your money to a new, safe account. We got it done before any of your money went missing! Financially you are fine, Dad."
[My husband accused me of stealing his money. "Well, I know I didn't do anything deliberately but I might have made some mistakes. Here are the statements for the last two months. See if you can find the errors." After staring at the statements upside down for a while he got bored and went on to other subjects. This got repeated for weeks, but eventually went away.]
About the money and the going home, don't contradict him. Don't argue. Reassure him that you are taking him seriously and that you are on his side and you'll help him resolve the issue.
Sometimes it is possible to move the conversation to another topic. "One thing they do here is provide you with all your meals. How will you get your meals at home? Should I look into meals on wheels for you? I wonder if we could find a microwave that uses flashing lights instead of those hard-to-hear beeps? They must make them for people with hearing problems. I'll see if I can find a catalog to look at with you. What kinds of things would you like to cook in a microwave?" and then direct the conversation to foods. Tell him about your worst cooking disaster ever--make it a funny story. Or reminisce about a meal he used to make for you when Mom was sick. Try to get off the going-home subject.
You say that these delusions "create his anger/unhappiness." I think it is the other way around. The disease creates anger and unhappiness and confusion. Going home is just the focus where he has placed those feeling right now.
As Ahmijoy points out, not all drugs instantly turn people into zombies. It is hard to find the best drug and get the dosage right, and you therefore need to work with a doctor who is willing to experiment and who will listen to your reports of any side effect, including zombieism, but if you can find a medication that improves Dad's quality of life even a little, that would be worthwhile!
Fibs, distractions, drugs. Whoever expected we'd be considering these measures for our loved ones? Maybe some day there will be much better treatment approaches. For now, do the best you can to promote his quality of life.
Though it might be helpful for you to step back and remind yourself that even if you can't work miracles on how your father is feeling, and improving his sense of wellbeing will take patient, painstaking work over some time, no harm as such will come to him from having these feelings. It's sad for you, he is distressed, but there isn't a present risk to him that has to be got rid of.
Neither do you have to reach immediately for meds; though it is worth asking for an assessment to see if they might be helpful. This isn't a matter of lulling him to sleep, it's a question of potentially correcting brain chemistry that has got out of balance and is causing him *inappropriate* anxiety and/or depression - in which case, as with a person of any age, you'd want that treated.
But for the accusations and distortions that are caused by his dementia, there are techniques for redirecting which you can learn. If you Google "dementia village" you will find sites that explain the sorts of approaches and therapy at use in these places. The techniques are not difficult in themselves, but you can't really jot them down in a Top Tips bullet point list, either; and the reason that they aren't (yet, we can hope) standard practice is that they require training and time, resources which are in scant supply in the care industry. It's about engaging with the person in a way that reassures them and lets you connect with them, so that you can gently lead them away from the false beliefs that are frightening and upsetting and angering them.
For example. You will often hear "never contradict what a person says" - and you immediately think "what, he says his daughter is trying to kill him and I'm supposed to agree? How is THAT reassuring?!"
If you say "of course she isn't, she loves you!" he will conclude that you are not listening to him. The fear he is feeling is real, and you're telling him it isn't. You obviously don't understand. This is frustrating, confusing and (to him) false. He can't trust you.
But there are better ways of not contradicting. So, you would say something like "I don't think I know your daughter, do I? What's her name?" You initiate a real conversation, and guide it back towards true memories that he has. Her name is Jane. She's seventeen, and she argues with her mother all the time (she's probably forty-five, married, two children and a job she likes!). Will she be coming to see him soon? Does he have a picture of her?
You know your father best, and what sort of discussion is likely to engage his interest and attention. For his anxieties about what's happened to his money, and why he's being "held" at the care centre; you could start by agreeing that you would be very worried too if you thought your money wasn't safe; but you're pretty sure that his is being looked after correctly. The wanting to go home and manage on his own: you could lean heavily on the old "these nice people are helping you until things get better" routine; but if he has been in the care centre for some time and his understanding of his condition has got worse, that probably won't cut any ice with him. Instead, you'll need to divert him by suggesting that you go somewhere to sit and talk about the plans (to break up his train of thought) and keep hunting around for a happier subject.
Is he clear about who you are? Is he directly accusing you of taking his money?
You have to understand that you can no longer reason with him. If it weren’t for the meds my dad gets he would have probably killed someone by now.
You can’t fix this. You do the best you can. And as others have said, fibbing is necessary at this point. My dad will be very nice to me then 5 minutes later tell anyone in earshot how I stole his car and money. Ya just gotta roll with it.
I don’t even try to talk to him on the phone now. Just check in with staff and make the trip when I can. He’s a pretty sweet guy most of the time but he can be a handful.
On her "Good Days", my Mom can talk for 15- 20 minutes on the telephone before she no longer makes any sense at all and I have to end the phone conversation or she hangs up. Mom used to CALL ME everyday, but as her disease progresses, she rarely calls me except when she is upset about something. My brother lives 8 hours away and he calls Mom every weekend. After about 15 minutes, Mom would stop talking and my brother could not get her to say anything else. It took us a while to figure out that Mom had either gotten tired or disinterested in the conversation, or more likely, FORGOTTEN that she was talking to someone on the phone and had laid the phone down on the bed or table. :) Since she could not see anyone sitting or standing next to her, she assumes that there is nobody around and puts the phone down. Sometimes she has little or no concept of how the phone works and can't understand who the voice is that she is hearing. So it doesn't make sense to talk to her on the phone on those days.
You have been given some great advice. It isn't easy living so far away from your Father. I think that you have a positive outlook on the disease that is affecting your father and will it may be frustrating at times. Remember all of the good times that you have had with him. God Bless.
Do you like Hemi engines? They did great in Nascar racing (until they were banned.)
My husbands' "boss" is a Harley Davidson fanatic. He has a beautiful specimen that he rides on a daily basis. He had to travel from Tijuana, (where we live), to the state of Queretaro, Mexico (1000 miles away) just to buy it. They are the only dealer of Harley's in Mexico. He gets it serviced in San Diego, California.
We just bought him a Harley beach towel and logo stainless steel mug for his birthday in 3 weeks and I ordered a plush throw-blanket for the couch with the HD logo for Christmas. Amazon has a lot of HD stuff. You could really drain the bank account, as none of it is cheap.
--------------------------------------------------------
I would encourage you to read as much as possible about Alzheimer's/dementia. You tube has good videos about Alzheimer's too (and ways WE can prevent it-or so they say.) It really helps to figure out our loved one's behavior from stage to stage. Each stage has its own personality changes. It's so sad that we can't reason with them as their brain is "broken". They will never be the parent we once had. :(
Plus, they've got other things going on too (chronic illnesses, hard of hearing, poor eyesight, poor mobility, etc.). It sure isn't any fun getting old.
You can offer the staff the suggestions given here but you can't really check up on whether they're doing any of them or not. Is there any way to move dad to a care center in your area? However, if he's getting good care otherwise, it may be very disruptive to change his location. Dementia sufferers don't cope well with change.
Being sympathetic often helps. "Therapeutic fibs" are often necessary also, to not crush their hopes, but to pacify them for the moment.
Please don't altogether eliminate the use of medicines to help your dad's anxiousness. As others have said, they don't have to "snow" him, just let him be a little more relaxed with his surroundings than he is now. However, I can understand your apprehension in letting them try it out, since you can't monitor his response. Another reason to move him closer to you (?)
God bless you for all you're doing for your dad. He may not respond like he appreciates your help (he can't) but God knows your efforts.
We're here for you.
I've looked at / tried to move Dad closer but in his condition (requiring 24hr nursing care) & the costs is 'Way over our heads $$$'. We'll just have deal with what we have, do phone tag & when I can save up the $ for a trip to see him. Enjoy the 4th!