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She’s always been mean, angry, depressed, fearful, no friends. Everyone else is always the problem and to blame for her miserable life that never had to be miserable. Growing up was tough with the constant insults and put downs. My dad always sides with her and will turn it on us as the “problem” in order to avoid dealing with her. My brothers and I have suffered a lot throughout our lives because of it. Over the last year, she’s become meaner, increasingly forgetful and constantly repetitive. Something is wrong and my dad will not acknowledge it and gets angry at us. He does everything for her and is taken care of. However, he will not get her mental help or have her evaluated. I’m sure she would battle him on it (she always has). He’s rather keep his head in the sand than deal. But he meanness is pushing everyone away. Most recently she told my son to go F himself for no reason and called my daughter an idiot for not bringing in the trash barrels while they were visiting? It’s awful and just getting worse. Grandparents don’t treat their grandkids that way. Thoughts on how to get her evaluated?

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The description of your mother’s lifelong behaviors is just like the lifelong behaviors of my brother. He too, has lifelong undiagnosed mental illness. My other sibling and I were raised to tiptoe around the outbursts, rudeness, and meanness. There were arguments between my very loving parents as my mother saw the need to get help for brother and my dad believed it would “stigmatize” him. No diagnosis or help has ever happened. And his behavior has also worsened. His adult children maintain a relationship from a safe distance with definite boundaries. I read the book Boundaries and even took the class based on the book. It taught me a lot on how to deal with him in a safe for me manner. Please know that your mother will not change, except to worsen. Your father too, will not change, his defense and denial are well established patterns. Please don’t subject your children to this again, they do not deserve this treatment. I’m sorry you didn’t get the parents, and your children, the grandparents that you needed. But please realize you cannot fix or change long established patterns. Deal with your parents as it’s healthy and best for you. I wish you peace
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EllVeeW Sep 2023
Excellent!
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Sounds like my parents. Mom was mentally unbalanced and mean as a snake. Dad took it on the chin, for some reason, making me feel like it was MY fault she was so "nervous". He'd stick up for her no matter what.

Fast forward to mom at 88 and dad at 91. Mom now has dementia, as most mentally unbalanced people tend to develop later in life imo, and has become even MEANER and more abusive to dad. They lived in AL and she'd treat the staff like royalty, and the rest of us like trash. Now dad started fighting back because he had a brain tumor and his days were numbered. Many times dh and I were called over there to break up their ugly fights. Yet dad STILL stuck up for her if we said anything about her nasty behavior! 😑

At that juncture, work it out yourselves folks. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

The dynamics of a dysfunctional marriage is not something the children can or should get involved in. My folks were married for 68 years and if either were THAT miserable, they'd have divorced.

I'd keep my kids away from the dysfunction of your parents relationship, unless it's something they're interested in subjecting themselves to. My mother was harsh with my kids and they chose to back off more and more as time went on.

My mother WAS diagnosed with dementia later in life which accomplished nothing anyway. What would have helped was if she'd asked for and gotten help earlier on in life when she was a raging lunatic and I was a scared 6 year old growing up in a crazy house.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2023
My husband’s grandparents were like this. They were married well over 60 years.

My MIL was an only child and most certainly took after her dad who was a very kind soul.

I am convinced that my husband’s grandmother had mental illness.

Of course, when it was suggested that she see someone and go on meds, she would say that everyone else had a problem! She never viewed herself as someone with issues.

Not once in her life did she ever apologize to anyone for anything.

She was oblivious to everything! She was an incredible artist. Her husband had blue eyes. She painted his portrait with brown eyes!

He looked at the portrait when it was finished and said to her, “Honey, look into my eyes. What color are they? I have blue eyes, not brown.” She just shrugged it off.
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I would walk away, let your father deal with her. No one has the right to verbally abuse anyone else. If you father does not have a backbone that is on him.

No where is it written that you or anyone else HAS to continue to support this bad behavior. And certainly your son should not be exposed to this toxic behavior.

Time to stand up and be counted, walk away from these bullies.

You cannot resolve their issues, focus on your family and healing their souls.

Your family is suffering and for no reason if you would just back away and let the chips fall where they may.

Good Luck!
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You can’t. She never wanted help with her issues before and she won’t want it now. In her world, everyone else is the problem, not her.

Your dad goes along to get along and that won’t change either. I will never understand how mean, angry women manage to marry men that cater to their every whim.

So, all you can do is keep your kids away from her. They shouldn’t have to endure her verbal abuse. Even if the kids know grandma is insane, there’s no excuse for being her verbal punching bags.
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I have a book recommendation for you.
It is titled Never Simple and is a memoir by Liz Scheier.
It is about her attempts life long to deal with her mentally ill mother, along with the help of the social services of the city and state of New York.
All to no avail.

I doubt very much that you can get her evaluated, and even if you do, being mentally ill is, as the law says, not against the law in our country. Your father is her next of kin. He seems to have satisfied himself that he is helpless in this matter, and he is correct.

You cannot change things. You didn't cause them and you cannot cure them. Many mentally challenged people never had children, and there are therefore not children or grandchildren to intervene. It is best you act in that manner and call APS to report an adult at risk for assessment. Tell APS that you do not wish to be involved in care, nor to act as POA or guardian, and that you request gaurdianship of the state. That will likely not happen. I would not attempt to intervene. I think it an exercise in absolutely futility.
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I feel for your situation, I truly do. Your mom sounds like she could be my mom's sister. Your dad is used to this situation that he created; he probably thinks he has it "under control" like my dad thought he did.

My dad was afraid of my mom until the day he died. He put up with her abuse for 60 years. I remember begging him as a kid to divorce her, and he never would. He figured it was cheaper to keep her, and that she would make his life a living hell and clean him out financially if they ever divorced. Instead, they blew through all their money, including their house, with reckless abandon at the end and had absolutely nothing to show for it (My dad had a horrendous gambling addiction).

My mom is now finally in a nursing home where she belongs and people are being paid to deal with her, (and I never have to see her again if I don't want to) and my dad is at rest and finally free from his Hell on Earth. I would suggest getting good therapy, it has done wonders for me to help process and understand that all of this is not my fault.

I would keep the children away from the grandmother is she's making nasty comments. My mom did that to my adult son, and he gave it right back to her. She deserved it fully and had it coming. Sometimes you have to stay away to make a point come across.

I wish you the best of luck, this is not easy to deal with. I basically went no contact with my mom. She's a defcon level 5 narcissist and a master manipulator, so I have to keep her at arm's length to protect my sanity.

Perhaps you can check with your local department on aging/seniors Adult Protective Services, they may be able to be of some assistance.
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Dupedwife Sep 2023
I can feel your emotional pain and the emotional pain your dad went through. I can tell a narcissist a mile away. You are doing the right thing to protect your sanity by staying away from your mother as this is the only solution for people who are narcissists. Your son did the right thing by giving it right back to your mother. I call it giving the narcissist a dose of her own medicine. Sadly, in the narcissist’s warped brain, it does not affect them in any way when someone tells them off as they are quick to abandon that person and move on to their next victim.

Just remember that your sanity and your health are the most important factors in your life. Good luck.
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Honestly, what would be the point? To be able to put a label on mom as to why she acts the way she does?

It won't help and she won't get better. Just trust me on this.

My mom had chronic depression and just suffered along with it. She was really never "ok" until she started having a little dementia. As a family with 6 kids, 5 of hers were on antidepressants/antianxiety meds for much of our adult lives.

My MIL is in Hospice now and she has zero filter on her. We don't have a label as to WHY she's so awful and IDK if it would even help if we had one. At 93? The kids just say 'she's crazy' and that covers it. AT 93 she isn't going to embrace therapy or even taking an AD.

Sorry--this just wouldn't work out. Something that you have to deal with--and cannot change.
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Sorry your mom is doing so poorly and dad has his head in the sand. So, guess it's time to back off a bit. Due to forgetfulness and repetitivness, I would say it sounds like my mom with dementia. Meaner could also be due to it since what little filter she may have had could be being eroded. Your mom obviously has issues and isn't really choosing to treat people so poorly. Doesn't mean you need to deal with it. Especially not with your kids. They will be hurt and not understand that grandma's brain is broken. So, let your dad take care of her and when he's burnt out, which shouldn't take long, maybe he'll be looking to be honest and get her the help she needs.

You could send a message/note to her doctor, explaining her behavior so that next time she does go to the doctor, he will have some info on hand and can try to test her and hopefully refer her to someone for further assessment.

Best of luck.
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Your question is “how to get her evaluated”, because you think that she has an “undisclosed mental illness”.

How would it help if she is “evaluated”? Many borderline mental illnesses are difficult to distinguish from just being mean, lacking self control, being badly brought up etc etc. There are arguments between professionals about what constitutes a mental illness, or a particular mental illness, and the rules change from time to time. No-one is likely to come and take her away to be cared for, whatever the evaluation says. The people involved (including you) quite possibly won’t accept the verdict, other than to add it to arguments. You could perhaps let her off the hook by blaming everything on a mental illness, but you may find that it doesn’t make it any more tolerable.

You might do better by just accepting that’s the way your parents are, and deciding how to deal with it. This site is full of people with difficult parents, working out boundaries with them, deciding when to cut off connections. It can give you lots of ideas that might be more practical help.
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Your folks dynamic works for them. It may be far from perfect, but then, who's perfect?

Have a google search on *co-dependant*. It can happen different ways, but they both get their needs met & can function together.

I've seen this dynamic a few times now, where one is moody or volitile & the other learns to bend & adjust to avoid the drama, meaness or tandrum. You wonder why they put up with it.. but they have their reasons.

It is awful watching people put up with abuse. Would Dad be open to some councelling himself? To skill HIM up with strategies to deal with his situation? If not, that is his choice.
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Beatty Sep 2023
PS I would explain to my children that the language incident was not ok.

That Grandma said the wrong thing, maybe she is not well in her brain, but hopefully she will see a Doctor - or whatever age appropriate explanation works for you.

I would state very clearly to BOTH parents that I will not tolerate my children being spoken to in such a way.

That's the line. If it's crossed again, their grandchildren will not be brought to visit them. (I say them unless it is possible to visit only Dad)

This behaviour may or may not be within your Mom's control. So you will have to decide whether you stay as involved or step back.

Suggest they visit their Doctor for Mom to have a checkup.

You suggest.
They decide.
The consequences are theirs.
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