My husband and I recently moved his grandparents (103 and 95) in with us and became the primary caregivers. One of them is peeing on the floor in their bedroom at night and the carpet by the front door at night. I don’t know if it’s grandpa (103) forgetting where the bathroom is, or grandma (95) who has moderate/severe dementia just waking up and peeing. I work graveyard shift so on my nights off I have sat downstairs to catch which one it is but when I’m downstairs they never move, and if they do it’s just grandpa waking up and walking to the bathroom. We also have a 4-year-old who is potty trained and a two-year-old who is not. I don’t want to sound like a horrible person but I already struggle with the shift I work and babies let alone 4 babies. Some days I wake up to a poop diaper from my son, my grandmother wiping herself with the dishrag or whatever she can find, and my grandpa shoving his dirty diaper down the toilet. I am at my wits' end. Due to the required care they need and extra upkeep in my house, my toddler's behavior is out of control. They are not getting the attention they need from us, and mine and my husband's relationship is on the cusp of ending because of the lack of time we have. I have an 18 yo as well who just graduated high school and has been the biggest help through all of this, but I don’t want to burden him too much cause it’s not his job. It’s not even his grandparents. I need advice on every aspect of this because I’m close to having a mental breakdown. My house constantly smells like pee and poop from the three people in diapers. I’m losing my mind. We have a caretaker that comes over, but we can only afford her for 3 hours a day--enough time to wash them, change them, give meds, and feed them. We even have a house cleaner that does a deep-clean every other week. It doesn’t even make a difference. What do we do?
How recently is recently? Where were they living before, and what was the main reason for moving them in with you?
Two options to consider for today:
1. Make sure the bathroom light is left on at night, and the door open. If grandpa is getting disoriented this might guide him to the correct place. [If it were grandma going a-wandering, would grandpa wake up?]
2. A bedside commode that the elders could use at night.
One priority: talk seriously to your husband. If he feels that this is the only option for his grandparents, why does he think that? Be gentle with him (I'm sure you will be, because you generously attribute your relationship difficulties to lack of time rather than a startlingly rash decision on his part) because no doubt he's at least as stressed as you are by the whole thing and you don't want him lashing out; but this situation is bonkers and needs an urgent rethink. Too much work for two lone mortals.
This is nuts both grandma and grandpa need placement ASAP.
103 years old and still going strong. 95 and no end in sight.
They sure don't mention any of what you describe when they do those news reports on a person living past 100 years old.
Start the RESEARCH for a SAFE, CLEAN residential placement TODAY.
You have absolutely NO MORAL or ETHICAL REASON not to do so.
If it is important to you make a circle on a map of your area, and research nearby places first. Then you will be able to bring one or both of the babies for short visits, and visit as often as you wish.
PLEASE release your high school grad from responsibility. I had one who graduated from HS when his grandma, my mom, living with me. It was NOT in his best interests, and he deserved better, but I never realized how tough it was on him until after my mom was placed in a beautiful setting near me.
I was only taking care of one LO at a time. Unless you and your husband are stuffing Angel’s wings into your sweatshirts, you are ONLY HUMAN. Humans CANNOT sustain a life style like yours.
Please consider ALL of you, STARTING TODAY. Do the research, learn all you need, and move forward with placement.
I would turn this over to their children to figure out.
Most important don't subject your 18yo to this, it is not theirs to be involved in.
Does your H help with the caregiving? When you work the graveyard shift, when do you sleep?
Why wasn't facility placement considered?
It is an unfair situation to you and your kids and is clearly effecting your mental and physical health. Also, at their age they need more care than you can provide and moving them would be the best option for everyone.
Tell mom either she takes them back or they are going into a facility ASAP. The stress level that you must have is way too high to be continued. My mom has an occasional pee issue (been twice a week for the past 2 weeks) and it's making me nuts and thinking of how much longer I can withstand that in my home. Not long. There are 2 more things that we are trying for her incontinence and if they don't work, well, I know just the nice facility for her. With dementia, I am not having high hopes for success but I am somewhat hopeful.
I don't see there being any hope in your situation. They are quite old and have serious issues that need full time help to deal with.
Good luck.
So the rest of your mil's siblings are off the hook, as are your H's 3 siblings.
So if your mil asked if you and H would take Granny for "a bit," was that timeframe never clarified?
Now what? Are you and your H going to let your marriage crumble further because of this?
For myself, I could not do this, and it is as simple as that. You are, I can imagine, making your children pay a price for this in attention they need at this time.
I think you have hard decisions ahead and I can't imagine how you will make them. There is no way to do a "fix it" on this that is without grief or tears. But I think only you and your husband, sitting together to discuss options and limitations, can make these decisions.
I honestly cannot even begin to imagine what you have on your plate. I am so sorry and I wish you well.
Don't you think of shelling out a cent to house them; and speaking of that, what contribution is being made by whom to your household budget to cover their costs?
Please follow the earlier advice about placement. Get a map, look for nursing homes within a reasonable driving distance from your home, and (assuming you’re in the US) call each one to ask if they have 2 Medicaid or “public aid” beds available. Let them know your GPs would like to share a room if possible. That placement would cost you and your H nothing and Grandpa’s VA benefits would probably help. But whoever has the GP’s medical PoA (H’s mom?) would need to be involved, to approve the placement.
Perfect way of putting it.
“tag — you’re it”.
I hope you find a solution OP!
Where is your husband in all of this? It can't lie on just you and your son. Why didn't he look for a place for his grandfather and grandmother didn't he figure it would be a burden on your family which it has become.
Can breathing in urine harm you?
In small doses urine probably does not have much affect on your health, but prolonged breathing or highly concentrated urine could be a problem. Sharp ammonia odor from urine can be irritating to the lungs, throat and eyes. You need to show this to your husband. You all need to do a deep cleaning to get that urine smell out of the house.
I would see if there are any programs in your area that can help. The states have programs that will have a person come in and do what you are paying for. Also if they are on medicare there are programs that will help without paying out for it.
Prayers
Just reading your post gave me anxiety! LOL You already have a lot going on in your household before you moved the two grandparents in. Where were they living before they moved in? Why wasn't a long term care facility considered? Are there financial roadblocks? Is there any other family that can assist you in getting them placed?
Have dinner delivered for 5pm, then a cleaner to mop all the floors, & an aide/nanny to tuck them all in for the night.
Write a book about it.
Sell for movie rights or maybe a series.
I am laughing/crying for you!
Theres lots of paperwork and documentation required. If you can afford see about an Elder Care attorney to help you.
Dont delay. This is an impossible task. I had my mom in my home after she had a massive bed bug infection. I could barely keep up and I didn’t have any babies.
It is an unsafe environment for them, you, your spouse & young children..God bless & prayers to you!🙏🏻 From one sandwich generation Mom to another. Hugs
What is your husband doing in this scenario? He is the one to make arrangements to get his folks placed in another ennvironment where they can have constant care.
Does he take over the kids, oldies and cleaning, cooking, etc when he gets home so you can go to sleep undisturbed? If not, you seriously need to see a councelor for your own mental and physical health. Also get a checkup from your Doctor to make sure your heart isn't being taxed by all the stress and labor.
You must put yourself first so you can survive this nightmare for you and your kids sake.
Hospitalization or a facility are the only options.
Not sure who is their PoA or Medical proxy. If something happens to either one of them tonight, call 911, have them transported to the ER and tell the social worker that they can not come home with you. Don't listed to the "oh it's just for a day until we find something". Nope, Nope. Make your statement, turn on your heel and walk out of the ER.
I wish you good luck and peace on this difficult journey. Please keep us advised as things progress.
Your children should be your primary focus in life, not your grandparents who need to be placed immediately. They need and require more care than you are capable of giving them, as do your children. You are doing neither a service by trying to be Superwoman, but a grave disservice instead.
Please see to it that your grandparents are placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility together and that you take your home back so it can be occupied by your immediate family only. Then you can work on repairing your marriage and giving your toddler the attention s/he needs.
Otherwise, what happens when YOU are hospitalized with a breakdown? Who cares for your husband, grandparents and children then?