He doesn’t remember that he does it & it’s difficult to cancel. So far it has cost us a few thousand dollars if I don’t catch it right away. He gets very angry when confronted says he’s not. But I have stopped him before. How do I stop these calls or control his actions? He still wants his phone.
It is to be expected that he will 'rant and rave' - this is what dementia is - and does.
He will not change; his condition will progress.
You need to change how you think, feel, and respond.
First or equally important is that you learn what about dementia and how the brain is affected and how to interact / connect with a person with dementia.
I took TEEPA SNOW'S webinars for a couple of years and bought a few books.
I urge you to hire a (medical) independent social worker to support you and your needs with him, as he progresses.
If you are fearful of him when he gets agitated, then you need to consider what you need to do, i.e.,
* he may need to be placed in a facility
* have 24/7 care (a strong man in case he / husband gets violent)
* speak to MD about medication
* tell MD how husband is when he gets angry and how you feel about it.
* YOU DO NOT WANT to put yourself in harms way nor do you want to ignore the potential danger to you, or what he might do around the house or to himself.
Sounds to me like you need to confront your fears as you cannot continue to respond to his behavior based on you wanting to avoid his anger. With dementia, he could get anger at any time for any or no reason at all (because it is how his brain is working / unable to work).
Of course he wants his phone - he has dementia.
I question why you are surprised that he wants his phone.
You stop his calling / using his phone by taking his phone away
OR
you get a phone where you can (and DO) block certain phone numbers. Perhaps 99% of them.
You get him a phone that doesn't work.
You tell him you are working with the phone company to get it fixed.
You certainly never ever give him access to a computer.
This is a very difficult and potential dangerous environment for you - and him - to be in.
How will you protect yourself if he attempts to physically harm you?
Has he done this before - with dementia - or before he had dementia?
I wonder if your fears of his anger is based on experience in your marriage for years or decades.
It sounds to me that you are very frightened of him and the potential of what he might be. You need to address this situation ASAP before anything else happens.
Get help and the support you need from professionals.
Gena / Touch Matters
He’s been diagnosed & every test has been ran We are two yrs in W/ the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s & dementia ... & does drive at times . ..."
have the 360 app so I know where he’s at & how he’s doing We have dr & a neurologist ... "
I am flummoxed beyond believe, understanding, comprehension.
He has dementia - diagnosed over two years ago and he is STILL DRIVING.
What does an app on his phone do if he kills someone?
What is the point to the app / knowing where he is?
Why are you allowing him to drive?
Why is the MD and neurologist allowing this?
His license needs to be revoked. Go to DMV asap.
Allowing him to drive is not only putting him and his life in jeopardy; do you understand that he could kill people - driving or walking across the street. Do you realize this?
Gena / Touch Matters
You need to take control of the situation otherwise you will potentially continue to lose a few more thousand dollars.
You need to block his phone. Period.
Is he paying for these services?
How? Does he have access to cr cards? finances to pay for these things?
If so, why?
You 'control' his actions by -
* Discuss with his MD. You do not mention his cognitive functioning or diagnosis.
Do you know if he has dementia? How advanced it is? Have you talked to his MD about his memory issues? Has he been tested?
* You (learn to) do what is necessary and not discuss it with him or you make an excuse and change the subject.
* You get the support you need from professionals.
* You do not argue with him (pointless with a person with dementia) and only adds fuel to the already burning fuse (resentment, anger frustration, confusion).
* You learn to not take his anger (?) or frustration personally - step back, take breaks / do not be on auto pilot. You have to be present and shift as needed.
* You learn or accept that he cannot help what he is doing and that he will keep doing it as long as you allow it. And, realize it will get much worse.
* If you are unable to make these needed decisions, you need to address your feelings and reasons and get professional help.
You are in a situation that requires you to make some very hard and difficult decisions. Perhaps it is time to consider alternative housing / placement (your post is too vague to know any details).
I recommend that you get professional help to sort it out and find the best solution for his well-being (which might mean placement, addl care/givers when you are not there (and you NEED breaks).
You may end up bankrupted and dealing with more / other serious issues if you do not deal with this now. Do not wait. He might invite strangers over to 'discuss' phone or insurance... And sign contracts.
Gena / Touch Matters
Just check it out.
The second thing I did was to get him a new phone number. Now, because his old phone number isn’t linked to his name, he doesn’t get phone calls from people trying to scam him. The bank told me that scammers sell their lists of vulnerable seniors to other scammers. I just notified friends and family of his new number. AT&T transferred his old contact list to his new number.
BTW - him frequently getting scammed was the first thing that made me contact his primary care doctor to see if something might be wrong. He ordered a bunch of tests and the ultimate diagnosis was Alzheimer’s. It happened during Covid so it took awhile because he met with doctors via Zoom. They were finally comfortable making the diagnosis when they were able to meet him face to face. Now that I know he has it, I understand him and the disease so much better.
My Mom was calling all sorts of customer support numbers complaining about her appliances that she was forgetting how to operate. She'd be having service calls, getting multiple new tv remotes, calling neighbors to do tasks because I wasn't doing them fast enough, etc. She of course doesn't like the lack of her control but that's too bad -- it made everyone else's life easier in caring for her.
When your husband is unaware, lose his phone and then replace it with a different one, like the Raz.
"At least we don't have to apologize to the FBI anymore for mom's swatting escapades."
Is it really good for someone to have a phone when they have dementia? Usually no. This is just one great example. People don't realize the person might start dialing 911 for all kinds of things, including things they see on TV and don't realize aren't happening in real life. When the cops arrive, there could be additional tragedies that occur as a result.