My husband is annoyed with my dad's long-term illness and my mom's insanity. And he seems burned out comforting me. Normal?

This post was from Dec 28th. The OP responded to a reply on the same Day saying she was calling APS. She has not returned to this thread. OPs next thread is Jan 16 and has not posted since then. She may have left the group or just loitering.

Your husband is feeling neglected and it sounds like your husband and your marriage are not your priority. If you love your husband and value your marriage, you need to figure out other alternatives for your parents’ care. He might be gone by the time your parents are both dead.

Hi Peanuttyxx,
My partner and I used to text each other with subjects that were a sensitive source of conflict between us, well, I did. She always said that texting is hazardous because the recipient gets only a fraction of the full message compared to a conversation in person, because it's impossible to see and hear the inflections and expressions. So it's very easy to read the words and still misinterpret the flavour of the message.
Unless both of you are wizards with emogies, I would have to agree and avoid text when nerves and tempers are short.

@peanuttyxxx
I have been in the same boat for 13 years since I remarried and my elderly parents needs skyrocketed. My DH is the silent, dont worry about the things you cant change camp.So easy to say.... I get so frustrated ..his dear sweetheart of a mother allowed us to help her and she aged with grace and accepted her health problems with humility and a positive attitude before she passed. I miss her dearly..much more of a mom than I ever had. My wonderful dad passed away 10 years ago..and before that I would help him as much as possible so my mother wouldnt bully him. He was lucid but in a wheelchair.. but always so loving and appreciative.. . I had to make the gut wrenching decision this month to turn my mothers care over to APS because the dementia has joined forces with her lifelong narcissism and nastiness and I could not beat my head against a brick wall one more time while she sabotaged yet another safeguard I tried to put in place. Over and over again , with never ending stress and venom. Many men dont get it, expect us to be superwomen nurturing angels not only for our families and husbands, but also for elderly parents, whose demands are never ending. We need to gently remind them that we dont expect to be treated like fragile dolls..but saying that, sometimes we just need to "break " aka rest and meditate so we can rearrange the scattered pieces of our lives. Kick him back too, once in awhile..our stilletos can get his attention( not literally ..I certainly am not condoning partner violence ..just a feeble attempt at humor ..which I find does help dial down the tension) ..lol ...Flowers, a bubble bath and a dinner out would also be appreciated once in awhile! Hang in there...you did the right thing by apologizing ..I do too..maybe too often!

Who am I to respond, not being married or partnered.
With this said,

* Clearly, you know his 'love-language' or his 'communication language, in general." Not easy with a stuffer (emotions).

* Since he 'acts' as if nothing happened the next day, it sounds like he 'blows up' (as he exhibits) is done with it and moves on. Still, it hurts and feels unfinished to you (as it would to me). Not exactly healthy communication 'style' - seems like more women are processors of feelings (I know, biology, physiology, etc).

* Is there a time when you are both ... relaxed, getting along well where you could bring up :

1) how you feel when xxx and

2) could we talk about some ways to communicate during this time (that would SUPPORT BOTH of us) ...

3) then share with him how you hear what he says / does and how you would APPRECIATE if he could respond XXX. Keep it simple.

* Being married so long, you've probably done this already. But, don't give up ! This is a stress-filled time for both of you requiring as much healthy communication and support as possible.

* Perhaps explain during a neutral time what it means to you to have a moment of quiet alone (for 10 minutes, an hour, etc.). Sounds like he doesn't realize the impact a 'few minutes' for you to regroup / relax means to you . . . because this isn't how he is with himself; this isn't his need.

* Bring him a bouquet of flowers before a conversation.

* Of course "YOU" statements are never good. It sets up a defensive response / feeling and then the person shuts down.

* Research NVC (non-violet communication / Marshall Rosenberg). Not easy although a really good process to communicate feelings, needs, requests. I find his first book very good.

How'd I do? Gena.

As you said he was brought up to stuff emotions. So you have emotions and his rudeness is telling you to not share emotions with him.
sad. Effects our loyalty to a spouse when they can’t be supportive .
connect with a counselor to get verification that he isn’t helping emotionally and maybe she can connect you to a support group online for caregivers
sending caring thoughts

peanuttyxx: Caring for one's parents is VERY tough for the caregiver AND his or her spouse. My mother left me no option but to leave my husband and our state and move in with my mother in her home seven states away before she hit the floor from plummeting blood pressure. Not a fun time for sure! As an aside, we had taken in another cat (a homeless boy) and we already had another purebred cat. New cat did not get along with longtime cat. This new cat bit my DH badly, causing him 2 hospitalizations when his wife wasn't even there (me). Sorry, that went a little off topic, but may be relevant to what can and does happen.
OP, I believe that your DH and you did come to an agreement.

My husband once said that since my mom wanted to die, why don't we stop giving her the blood pressure medications and let her die? Ummm. WHAT? She was depressed because her husband died. She got better with understanding care. And his friends were calling my mom baggage. That really made me angry. It took quite a while for him to understand what I was doing and why. It's just out of frustration and they don't mean it. However, little spats like that do call for some adjustments. From your previous post I would say that you need to get at least one of your parents into a care facility. Somehow. APS? Try that. Getting guardianship I hear is a pain, but probably worth it in the end.

With compassion that others also have shown, honey, it’s time. If you’ve been married for 20 years I’d say he loves you. And it sounds like he’s lonely and is calling you on it (TV). He may be a little snarky but he’s trying NOT to be mean. You’re not putting your family first. You have been living for your parents & you need to reset your priorities WITH your husband. Couples counseling will help you through this transition because it sounds like you’re possibly losing each other. Don’t do that. would you really rather be alone with your parents over being with them? Of course not. You’re burned out for sure, so why keep beating your head against the wall and say it’s ok? It’s not. You’re hurting and so is your family. YOU ARE NOT STUCK…it’s just a choice. Start now dear, start NOW.

I will add that you might try reaching out to a local/county dementia organization for support. This was extremely helpful to me when my parents started taking a nosedive and I was overwhelmed and under so much stress. We all were.

They offered to be there on the phone when I personally needed support, and then also were there to offer practical guidance and resources. One of their social workers I got to know even came to my parents’ home to meet with them and they loved her. She was the one who told me things were about to get very challenging and she talked to my dad about following through with his ideas about moving to AL. I love these angel social workers and will never forget their help.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

I am sure you have heard of the "sandwich" generation....our parents are living longer but not necessarily healthier and end up needing assistance while we are still maintaining our jobs and raising our children. There are not enough hours in the day to take care of it all. Which is why assisted living facilities, memory care facilities and home healthcare companies started popping up everywhere. They are needed. Your husband sounds like he is tired of dealing with it and tired of you dealing with it. Have you looked into other alternatives for your parents? Placing them in the correct facility would not only take some of the stress off of you and your marriage, but it sounds like your mom could use a break and some help as well. Situations change...maybe it is time to have that conversation with them. Tell them they need more assistance than you can manage.

You two, and don't forget your 9 year old as well, even though children SEEM resilient, are under an extreme amount of stress. I mean if anything is extreme, you must realize that this is. The perfect storm is upon you. #1 whatever help you can recruit RIGHT NOW is super important. If you pray, then now is the time. If you don't pray, now is the time. Check with local churches for volunteers to help. Or friends, or senior services in the area. I say that not knowing at what stage the covid is. The caregiver that is leaving for a month may be leaving for good because of this pressure cooker. Keep that in mind. #2 As soon as covid allows (and I pray they make it through it) this might be a good time to think about assisted living. And may be a good time of convincing your parents of that. Without laying guilt on them, but approach the subject with their health and safety and comfort as the focus. #3 If none of the above can be changed, the change has to be in you. Sounds unfair, however it is to your benefit, your self-preservation. I went through this exact same thing with my husband. He had almost the exact words "you keep saying she is going to die soon". Your husband is hurting (and your kid, let's be clear). You are gone physically and then come home emotionally and mentally spent. And truly, you are. My guess is, all your energy if any left, goes into your kid and you feel, if not subconsciously, that your husband is an adult and able to cope. Not true. When you come home, yes you need some rejuve, however closing everyone off and escaping to the TV, as rejuvenating as that seems, is actually not doing it for them OR you. Your husband is letting you know that. Yes you are giving 200% to your parents and you are burnt out. But you called it, so is your husband.....burnt out. So you have to expect the sarcasm at times and respond with understanding and ask for his understanding, lovingly. It is the last thing you want to do or feel you are capable of, but you can do it. You and your husband need each other more than ever during this time. If instead of escaping, you focus on your husband, you will find peace in that, believe it or not. At the very least, give him time first, if just a half hour. Truly give him time, With love in your heart. THEN escape to the tv to unwind if necessary. Been there done that. It is possible! Just like you focus on your parents, focus on him. And you will be much better off. He is your ally!! I got to the point where I was doing 24 hr care for my Mom 4-5x each week, every other night+, at the end. Went I went home to my husband, I learned: Not to vent (don't bring "work" home, unless he asked and then not too much), chat with my husband, focus on his needs, and then maybe watch a movie together. Try to do some dinners in there, set up his coffee for the next day. I tried to do what I could to be a wife. And then did my little bit of down time. On my day off, we escaped to the outdoors together. It served me well. We did have small scuffles still, however he supported me to the end. He even helped with the burden by visiting my Mom, to be able to see me. He would bring me hot soup, her a balloon or rose. It gave both my Mom and I a lift. When I make coffee now, I think back how just the small act of making his coffee each day was so nurturing to us both, and I also think back and don't know how I did it all. But I did it, had no regrets because I did, and you will too. God bless!

My heart goes out to you, your husband and child. You’ve done enough. Make the call.

I chose counseling to have a place for me to work out my frustrations and sadness with my moms dementia and mental issues. Friends and family actually expect us to “learn to live with it!”. The co pay cost twice a month is helping me avoid chattering about mom with others. That makes them happier..

Peanut, I have a book rec for you, don't know if anyone else has recommended it. It's called Never Simple by Liz Scheier.

Liz's mom had Borderline Personality Disorder, and although she loved her daughter fiercely, she also drove her crazy with her demands and general insanity.

The book is a compelling true tale of how this young woman put boundaries in place to protect herself and eventually her young family. I think you'd find it an interesting and informative read.

It IS hard to focus on your own life if your folks lives are featuring so large. Their needs eating up your energy, emotions & brain space. What's left for you?

What helps calm you?
Running (not me!)
A warm bath?
A long walk?
Music?

If you start today, make some time for you. Even 5 minutes! After that I'd take you out for a coffee if I could. Gently start with a few questions to ask yourself over the next week..

What level of *independence* do you think Mom & Dad have?

Managing their ADLs just fine? Or maybe need some help, shopping, appointments, bill paying? But can arrange the help they need, their own care/aides/assistance themselves? That's still independent.

If not, they have moved to *semi-dependant*. Needing a caregiver/home services & some help arranging these. Maybe more or less fine (when no Covid).

*Dependence* looks like being very reliant on others. On home services, aides, family. Unable to cope without this help.

Do your folks have denial about their situation?

If you left for a month holiday, would they cope or not?

Edit: I've read all the replies now & see things have risen to APS level.

Well sometimes that's what it takes! Outsiders to crack through that thick denial.

Thoughts of calm & strength to you today 😊💪

Yup its normal - maybe we can put them into their own support group <3

Another thing that jumped out at me about your post was that your husband said, “You have been saying that your father is dying soon for years.” People are living longer these days! Some people live to be over 100.

I became delusional in my thinking. I didn’t want my mother to die, thinking that I hadn’t done enough. The truth is that all of my life, I had shown her nothing but love.

We are all going to die. We don’t know when but one day it is going to happen to each and every one of us.

This was another thing that my husband pointed out to me, he said, “We don’t know how much longer your mom will live. This situation can go on for years!”

My mom would say herself that she couldn’t believe that she was still alive. She would have gladly checked out of life sooner so she could have joined my father in the afterlife earlier.

We can’t live our lives according to when others will die. Who knows when that will happen? Live for today. Live for what is right for you now.

Peanut, for many years, I worked as a psychologist, assessing preschool age children having difficulties with language, behavior, learning. Their parents were always outraged when they called for an appointment with my team that we weren't available to see their child the next day, or sooner.

The social worker on our team used to think of this as a sense of entitlement on the part of the parents, but my take was different.

There parents had first denied there was a problem, seen some "good" days, chalked behavior up to a cold or something happening at home. By the time they agreed that the child needed formal assessment, it was an emergency. But we still generally had a month-long lag time in scheduling appointments.

The same will be true of APS. Waiting one more day just brings you one day closer to a long holiday weekend.

I would not wait one more minute to start this conversation.

Peanut, in response to "one more day". APS won't show up today, maybe not even this week. Maybe, having them come in without a caregiver is best, as long as you, nor your sister go prop everything up. Tell APS it is an emergency, that should get them there sooner.

If your sister wants them to stay home and pretend they are independent, fully functional adults, then she needs to handle everything and stop putting it on you. One more day is wishful, unrealistic thinking in this situation.

You can say that they are making their choices and you will respect that, however, you get to make choices too and they need to respect them. Even if that means everyone is mad at you. Let them be mad.

I have a saying, Failure to plan on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on mine! Makes people mad, oh well, I don't think crisis management living, especially because you refuse to face reality, obligates me to run to your rescue and prop up your charade of independence. This is what your parents and sister want you to do, regardless that it is sucking your life force. No, not okay.

Heads up, your sister will probably throw you under the bus when everyone is crying about APS intervening. So, maybe keep your actions close to your chest, less ammo that way.

I am glad that you and your husband have made up. It is super stressful for all of you but, the light is on at the end of the tunnel. :-)

Peanut,

I completely understand how it feels to care for a parent who has Parkinson’s disease. My mom had it along with dementia.

It is devastating to watch a parent decline. She lived with us for 14 years.

I was confused and lost. I was completely exhausted. I sought therapy and learned a lot about myself and other people’s behavior.

Mom died at 95 in a hospice care home.

My husband is extremely supportive. I love him dearly. He has always been my rock.

We as daughters may feel ‘caught in the middle’ of it all. Guess what? Sometimes, we are so close to the situation that we can’t see the entire picture. We become blind!

My loving husband became frustrated with our situation and he had every right to be. Do you know what he said to me one day? “Honey, your mom is upset even when you do everything that she wants done. So, why are you continuing to do it?” He was right! I was glad that he spoke up and told me the truth that I needed to hear.

Don’t listen to any outsiders either. They aren’t walking in your shoes. Siblings, other relatives or friends may try to influence you by saying that things aren’t so bad when they are. As long as you are dealing with the situation, no one else has to deal with it. Please do what you feel is best for you, not what others think may be best.

I sincerely hope that you will step back, take a closer look at the whole picture and make the best choice for you and your husband. The rest will fall into place. You have paid your dues. Stop holding on. Be strong by letting go of what you can’t control.

Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.

I just read an old post. Moms 81 and Dad is 84? And you have a nine yr old? They must have been old parents. And this is what is happening. People having families later in life. I was 28 and 36 when I had my girls. My brother 35 when he had his first. A GF who had 2 at 35 and 37. When I am 85 my girls will still be in their 50s working to support themselves. They can't take on my care.

Your Mom could just be stressed. Stress does a lot to the mind and body. Dad needs to be in Memory care. People who suffer from Parkinsons Dementia can get mean. That would give Mom a break and then you can see if she really has a Dementia.

My husband has a hard time saying the right thing, but a hug usually helps lots.

Peanut, you were sarcastic yourself. Telling him to call your dad and tell him to hurry up and die, well, that's really harsh. It totally ignored what he was trying to say. What exactly would you expect his response to be?

You both sound like you have compassion fatigue. This situation has been going on for years, that adds up to a big weight. Cut him some slack and deal with it. I don't think men behave like women, my man shows his sorry by letting things go. Women need words and we won't always get them, we need to acknowledge how the hubby copes, deals and shows sorry. Stop expecting him to accept you withdrawing from him and your child, all because you are choosing to prop your parents up and it is tough. This effects everyone and you all need understanding, comfort and to feel like you matter. Give him what you expect from him.

I want to say, the second hardest thing I ever did for my parents was calling APS. I cried, was angry and hated myself for snitching. The first hardest was putting my dad in a facility. Both things were what was best for everyone but, they tore my heart out, mostly because my parents were no longer capable of handling their own lives and that is so very sad to deal with.

If you need comfort, find a good therapist and stop asking your husband to be your everything, it isn't fair, not just for him but, any spouse in this situation. We can expect and put to much on our loved ones, as your parents are doing to you and by proxy your husband and child, then you are putting more on him, just something to think about.

Why oh why must these parents continue to live at home? I'm so sorry; it seems there's a solution but you still don't want to move them to a care facility? Anyone with "immense health needs" that disrupts everyone else's lives should find a new plan more fitting to their conditions. They aren't capable to lining that up, but you are, right? Maybe your husband would be willing to help make other arrangements for them if he sees the light at the end of this godawful tunnel that your parents have dragged all of you into.

Here is another recent post you made:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/both-of-my-parents-have-covid-my-mom-has-been-hacking-for-weeks-but-refused-to-get-a-test-until-i-fo-478802.htm

Your marriage and child are the prioirity, not your parents. Their neediness will only get worse. You may want to consider sitting down with your husband today, and acknowledging that what's going on right now is bad and unsustainable. Ask him for input on what he would do differently, then be willing to do some or all of it. Imagine how it is for him: he can't really complain since this makes him the bad guy who is against his wife taking care of her aging parents - what a jerk! Right? To this point he has tolerated it. He can no longer do it honestly, forget "comforting" you. Who is comforting him? You are not a "bad guy", either, unless you ignore all the advice that will come your way here about helping your parents to transition into a facility where they will get the care and attention they need, and not all from you. You married a passive/aggresive man (so did I so I get it) and now you think he magically should turn into someone else. It's not going to happen so it's you that needs to step back and look at this situation from a different angle. Be flexible. Give him a voice in the solution. Then do what it takes to extricate yourself in order to save your marriage and protect your child or you will burn out. Please take care of yourself and protect your family. It won't be the end of the world for your parents to get different care. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.

Put the shoe on the other foot. How might you be feeling if this were his dad with a long term PD illness and mom with insanity and being a real pain in the butt, likely with BPD and likely dementia going on, living alone at home and relying on YOU to be their be-all-and-end-all in life? After enduring a particularly brutal week whereby your husband closed his bedroom door on you to watch TV, leaving you with a 9 year old to contend with? Would you consider it normal to feel irritated and fed up with the entire ongoing scenario or just expected to carry on as usual, with a broad smile on your face and singing a happy song?

Your husband is entitled to his frustration with this entire situation which sounds outrageously unmanageable, just as you'd likely be if the shoe were on the other foot.

I had a bad situation going on with MY folks for 10+ years and I felt horrible for my husband who was forced to endure my wretched moods for the entire time. He did more moving/hauling/helping/dealing with MY parents on my behalf than he'd ever done for his own parents. And once in a while he got fed up with me, with them, with the whole miserable situation, which I understood 100%. What surprised me was that he didn't get fed up MORE OFTEN than he did. He'd make some snarky comments to me from time to time, which I'd allow to roll off my back, b/c I was between a rock and hard place MYSELF with the sh*t show going on, frankly. As an only child, there was nobody else to manage my parents lives but ME. And that meant DH too. We were in charge of the whole shooting match, which meant STRESS for both of us on an ongoing basis until they both passed away.

Yes, you are supposed to accept the sarcasm and chalk it off to HIS frustration with a difficult situation. Do you appreciate it? No, of course not. But you should understand it for what it is. Both of you trying to cope with the madness at hand in the best way you can, which is not always the 'best' way you CAN. You'll have bad moments which you'll need to forgive one another for, in my experience and opinion. B/c that's what love does. Don't hold it against him, if possible, but know that he's tired of the whole scene, as my DH was with my folks. God bless him for sticking it out with me throughout the entire ordeal, and making it to the other side intact though. That's what I'm grateful for.

I hope you can get past your DHs bit of unnecessary sarcasm yesterday, and chalk it off to a bad moment. It's actually good (IMO) that he acted like nothing happened today b/c what's the point in prolonging the fight? That just adds insult to injury which you DO NOT NEED b/c you already have enough on your heavy plate to deal with. Let him know your feelings were hurt if you want to, and if you think it'll do any good for next time. If you think an apology is in order, ask for one (which I do with my DH when I deem it appropriate). Whatever it takes to get past this, do it. That's my advice. And THANK him for his ongoing support of you and your parents, #1.

Best of luck with all you have going on.

Hmm. This is going to sound mean, Peanut. But my sympathies are with your husband.

You have mentally ill parents. You have, until recently, allowed them to call the shots and sabatoge your attempts to get them care.

You apparently continue to step in to foster their addled idea that they are independent rather than calling in the authorities who might place them. You fear your mother's anger and disapproval.

If my spouse was running around trying to patch up his parents' house of cards and not attending to home, hearth and children, I'd be feeling mighty sarcastic myself.

Just something for you to consider. Please remember that in life, your FIRST responsibility is to your minor child. And your spouse.

Your parents had a lifetime to plan for their old age. The fact that they are in this mess should not be balanced on your young family's back.