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My husband has 5 siblings. They've always been quite close. Both parents are on walkers, can't drive and are unable to manage DLAs on their own. The siblings have been rotating turns personally caring for the parents for 14+ months now. Some drive 4-6 hours to get there. Some have spent as much as 7 weeks over a 12 month period staying there. Others have done far less. NONE of the siblings are retired. There is zero hired caregiver support--they live in a low population area where in-home caregivers are next to impossible to find (at least that's the running story). (Mom would qualify for in-home nursing care. Dad would be assisted living.) Three siblings, including the default "leader," refuse to discuss other care-giving options. There has not been a single sibling meeting, group discussion, zoom or anything about a care plan since it all started. It's just: here's what they local sibling expects. Show up.



Anyway--my husband runs a business. His stress level, going to care for them so much, is through the roof. He has tried to take over leadership. He has tried to set up meetings. Several siblings always back out making consensus-building impossible. They refuse to discuss the future. So, he's basically trapped. The family has always been very tight and my husband is a "pleaser." It's killing him to be in disagreement with his siblings. He feels they only care about cow-towing to Mom and are ignoring sibling relationships, needs and health. But he's unable to participate in this arrangement any longer.



He's so miserable and stressed he's planning to give an ultimatum: Have a sibling planning meeting to discuss future options or he'll stop providing parental care altogether. (To-date he's just told them he can't come as often. But he keeps getting sucked back into saying yes due to guilt and worry of ruining his sibling ties.)



Has anyone been in this situation? Tried an ultimatum? Have other ideas to ease the situation? I can't imagine it's going to end well. Thanks in advance.



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I am sure your husband is not the only one out of 5 siblings and I am going to assume a total of 5 spouses and heavens knows how many children are included in this insanity.
Are any in agreement with your husband that this method of caregiving is unsustainable? If so it is time to buck up and put on a united front with the ones that want to continue this.
You do not give any info on what is going on with his parents. BUT
If both are cognizant it is time to talk to the parents and tell them that this can not continue.
It is also time to tell the "leader" that this can not continue.
If you or he has a bit of time to search resources that will help with caregiving that might be a start.
If MIL or FIL are Veterans the VA might be of help.
Contact the local Senior Center, they probably have a Social Worker. Find out what resources they have that might get some help into the home.
Area Agency on Aging may also have suggestions.
IF there is resistance from anyone for getting help into the home then he has to pull up his big boy pants and tell the siblings that he can no longer continue the rotation. They will either have to take up the slack or they will realize he is the only sane one in the family and will begin to look for AL and it is very possible that with both of them in AL they will get the help they need 24/7.
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Thank you. Appreciate the thoughts and support.
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If your husband is not the PoA for his parents, then the only power he has in this situation is to vote with his feet.

He doesn't need to give an ultimatum. If I were in his shoes I would send out an email to all siblings (simultaneously) stating that due to the current and increasing needs of 2 declining parents into the unforeseeable future, he and spouse are no longer willing/able to participate in the hands-on care. It should be a "facts only" letter so, no whining, accusations, pity party, etc. If you give reasons then they will attack or negotiate.

I'd then say what (if anything) I'd be willing to do (like contribute a nominal amount of money each month), or provide caregiving relief for 2 weeks out of the year, etc. Inforrm them when this change in care participation goes into effect. Then be ready for the blow-back but don't give in. Let the remaining martyrs find out for themselves the unsustainability of their plan.

No one can be assumed into caregiving. You are under no moral obligation to provide anything if your parents didn't create a reasonable plan for themselves. Adult children should not be the default solution. There is a solution but your siblings are in denial. Often in caregiving, the only solution is a "least bad" option, like placement into a facility. where they will have more socialization and attention.
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Thank you. Appreciate your thoughts and support.
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Start with this- NO sibling in a group this large can be forced to cooperate- ultimatums won’t convince anyone who doesn’t already agree.

For his WELFARE, your husband may wind up deciding that deferring to the group is all he will be safely able to do.

Your husband will need to also defer guilt. “Guilt” can’t do any job that he or his parents or his siblings need to get done. In your (his) SPECIFIC situation, you may be able to provide a “stipend” to the more active caregiving siblings, but ONLY if you can do so without impacting negatively on YOUR OWN household finances.

You and your husband need to address the inevitable tragedy that you will not be continuing the same relationship that you were trying to preserve. The loss of a parent is always a disruption in the fabric of family life, and if it is preceded by tension/animosity, it remains as long as any of those involved give it fuel.

Your safest (not happiest) course of action is to give no fuel to the fire, while moving forward and keeping YOURSELVES emotionally safe.

You know that no sibling should consciously hurt another, but does it happen? You’re living it.

I lived it too. Take good care of yourselves, and watch cautiously how things continue at the parents’ home. Watch for the group dynamics change (or don’t).
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Thank you! Appreciate these thoughts.
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Are both of your parents incompetent to make their own decisions?
Are THEY going to be at this family meeting?
Does anyone know their wishes for their own life, or is it that they expect the children they have to act as their slaves for the duration?

For me a family meeting of 5 siblings is somewhat like an attempt to herd cats. I would be skipping that part and moving directly to MY ROLE. The role I am willing to play.

Let me tell you, were I sibling #6 here I would tell everyone this by letter:
"Mom and Dad need now to enter care. The POA needs to assist them in doing their assets evaluation, and in finding the best placement for them. I cannot further participate in care because (whatever...live too far away, too busy in family and job, whatEVER). I can't make decisions for you but I have made my own. Love you all."
End of note. Signature.That would be the end of my sentence.

I think what is needed here is that whomever is POA (and I surely would think THAT has been done in all of this?) sits now with Mom and Dad and tells them that it isn't realistic now for the children to disrupt their lives/and to continue to enable them in denying changes they must make.
The POA (s?) need to tell (TELL) M&D that in the next six months there needs to be exploration of their assets, of their choices be that Board and Care, ALF, or whatever.

I will tell you the truth. Your husband will kill himself trying to bring parents and siblings into agreement.
I am with him but I would not attempt leadership (GOD FORBID!!!!) and I would not call a meeting. I would skip that part and move directly to "For my own health I am out of this. I leave it to the rest of you to argue this. Let me know when you come to a conclusion. I will let you know what I can do, what I am willing to do."

Will he lose siblings? Maybe. But I doubt whomever wants to scrabble will be much of a loss here.
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CCWargel Mar 2023
I appreciate your advice. The POA is the one insisting MIL/FIL stay at home. Yes, it is looking like agreement is impossible.
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Your husband is absolutely right to throw down the gauntlet with his siblings. Be supportive of this. Everyone has to come together now and democratically figure out what the long-term care solution is going to be for the parents.
If the default "leader" of the siblings refuses to discuss any different care options, I suggest your husband and his agreeing siblings stage a care coup d'etat and topple the regime of the current default sibling "leader". Otherwise your husband and his agreeing siblings will have no choice but to defect from the family. His health, family, and livelihood has to come first.
How the care is being managed now is not a long-term possibility. This will fail. It already is because it's a short-term solution.
What you can do is try to convince the other siblings of exactly what I'm telling you here.
This caregiving situation as it is cannot continue indefinitely. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I have seen many good families wrecked and scattered to the winds because they tried to maintain a care arrangement that was impossible to sustain in the long-term. The end result was everyone turned on each other and stopped speaking and the elderly LO's ended up in facility care anyway.
You know something like 40% or 50% of caregivers die before the people they're caring for. One person can only do so much. Your husband is right too say enough is enough. You have to say it too.
There are care options for your in-laws. The thing is they're not free. The parents will have to pay for them. The siblings will have to accept that. Mom qualifying for nursing care really isn't going to make all that much difference if they're living as small-town rural as you say they are.
One option here would be to bring in a live-in caregiver. Or two live-ins who split the week and privately pay. Use a caregiver website like care.com or others.
Another option is the parents get moved to an assisted living facility that also has a residential nursing home so they can still be together but mom will get the skilled care she needs.
One of the siblings can quit their job and move in with mom and dad. The parents then become their new job. They get paid by mom and dad's income and they inherit the entirety of their estate when they pass, or at least the lion's share of it. The other siblings provide coverage for their respite time off.
Your husband continuing to keep this care arrangement going is not an option.
If his parents or siblings have a problem with it, that's on them not him and you.
Call that meeting. In fact demand it.
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Thanks for the support and thoughts. Yep, there are lots of options, and they do have money for these. We are just getting stonewalled at every effort we make to have that conversation. We will keep trying. I just hope a change can come about before my husband is part of that 40-50%.
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It's interesting that all siblings are at least somewhat in this rotation of "helping", yet can't see that it isn't working and that it certainly can't work long term. Usually, the family members who aren't the caregivers are the ones who don't understand the hugeness of the work and strain on family life. I guess all your husband can do is state his and your opinion, give notice that he is going quit his part in it, and then quit. He can also offer his opinion on other alternatives for their care, any facts from his research on assisted living facilities or in home care, and be sure to say that he feels it is in everyone's best interest. Everyone can still visit the assisted living facility or home with hired caregivers, take the parents for outings, and remain a family. A very much happier one. Even with assisted living or in home care, there is still plenty to do to help manage the parents' lives.
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Two kids aren't helping much, so they have little to complain about. But of course they like the arrangement--MIL and FIL are at home, and these kids don't have to do much. They're kind of "checked out." No, they don't understand the strain. Some siblings are unmarried. Several don't have kids. So their obligations are different, you know?
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Hang on. What's this bit about "kowtowing to mom"?

Who is the actual decision-maker here?
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Several siblings refuse to admit the folks are no longer capable of reasonable decision-making about their care. They're waiting for my MIL to just pop up and say she's ready to go to the nursing home, apparently.
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There are close families (often meaning that they're manipulative) and there are caring families (often meaning that they're manipulative). You've got both.

If the parents haven't recognized that this can't go on, they're in deep denial.
Why can't your husband speak with his parents separately from his sibs? He could point out that what was only a short-term solution in the beginning has become long-term and unsustainable. In this wonderful close family, isn't it okay to talk with each other? Or can people only communicate through Leader Sib? Who guilts everyone, apparently. Why would your husband even want to maintain ties with siblings who refuse to respect him, his opinions, his work responsibilities and his own needs?

I don't for one minute believe that there are no caregivers available. There's always someone who sits with elderly people, or has an aunt who could use a bit of extra income and helps around the house, or a nurse who enjoys working with elderly, or something. This narrative suits someone's purposes. Very interesting.

Your husband needs to maintain his health for your sake, and I hope he'll man up and say he's out. I wish you (and him) lots of luck.
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I thought this situation sounded familiary, and sure enough -- you wrote back in October 2022 regarding the same situation.

You are the only male -- you have five sisters. Two of them are local to MIL and FIL. They are the ones making all the demands, correct?

All the siblings are not caregiving the same amount. In October, you stated that some sibs are looking into ALs. So this tells me that your H is not the only one who is unhappy with the current situation.

Did your H follow any of the suggestion that the forum gave back in October? Do you think he will do so now?
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CCWargel Mar 2023
You're right. That's me. Nothing has changed since October, though we've: managed to get my FIL to tour 2 care facilities. (He liked them. He's willing to go. Mom wants kid care to continue. No one wants to cross her. My H told her "this is unsustainable." She said--"You're just too busy. You need to back off some things in your life.") There are some really stubborn folks in this equation (mom, 3 of the SILs). Though it's bad for his health, my husband can't break from his lifelong desire to please them. He's mentally broken that several siblings only see Mom's needs and overlook his stress and health.
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Saying no to people you love is hard. I am in the midst of doing it in a non-caregiving situation right now. I am a "people-pleaser" when it comes to the part of the family I'm dealing with, and it's pretty unbearable to risk their displeasure. But for my mental and physical health, I have to.

Your husband needs to tell his mom she doesn't get to dictate his life to him.

Is he getting the support of a therapist? He needs to do that.
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Thanks, Barb. Appreciate the advice and support. Sounds like you understand. Best of luck to you in your struggle!
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The sister in charge is the sister most in denial.
You have no power here.
Thank you for your updates, but given them I suggest that your hubby preserve his own mental and physical health and step away from this mess. Get on with your lives. They are the only ones you will get.
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I understand "people pleaser" at 73 though, I don't care anymore. I have found that "people pleasers" get s**t on. And when they stand up for themselves it's "OMG, what's wrong with JoAnn". You know that saying...

"You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”

This cracked me up "You're just too busy. You need to back off some things in your life". Your MIL is something. This would have p***ed me off. I will bet if DH says "I own a business that takes up my whole time that I support my family with. My #1 responsibility is to them. Your care is taking 5 children to maintain. You and Dad need to be in an AL where there are aides 24/7. Your children have lives and jobs that you are jeopardizing. Not to mention the stress ur putting on us. You are being selfish. I am tired of being made to feel I don't do enough." And that leader...they can give up their life and care for Mom and Dad full-time.

I have a SIL I love but she gets these ideas about what "we" should do and then doesn't follow thru. I caught onto this early on so never get dragged in. When Dad died Mom lost a lot of their income. But, she was the one who handled the money. SIL felt we should all pitch in so much a month. I said lets just see how Mom does. Mom did great. I know if we had agreed to giving money, Mom would never have seen it from SIL. If she started, she would not have continued. Never did know what my brother thought.

P.S. I have a DH who is kind and generous. His Mom told mevwhen we were first married to always say please when you ask him to do something. Never tell him he "is" going to do something. And was she right. He will not do if its demanded of him.
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Pleasers do get s*** on! It's a tough way to be wired. Thank you.
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So...speaking from experience. If he gives an ultimatum..he needs to be prepared to stand behind it. I've just recently given one myself with regards to my FIL's care - and I know that if it comes to pass, I'm going to have to be willing to stand behind what I said I would do if it did. I knew that when I said it and I thought long and hard about it before I did it because once you do- if you don't follow through with it, then no one will ever believe it if you take a stand again.

That being said - it sounds like he is pretty passionate about this- and I don't blame him a bit. Sometimes you just get to the point where you have to draw that line in the sand and say enough.

I think he owes it to himself to give it a shot to get his siblings corralled and talking about it, at least a quorum. Have the numbers in front of him. Go into it with the emotional side removed as much as possible. Go in with just the facts. Present them with the sheer number of hours that the family has spent caregiving for the parents. Outline the risks of removing even one healthy sibling from the mix. What happens then? Show them how much this is costing in work or business loss. Whatever he needs to show them the full range of the issue. And even potentially talk about where mom and dad started vs where they are now. There should be 14 months of data - did they start out able to handle most ADLs and now they are down to 25 % or something like that - and using that trend extrapolate that they will continue to trend down etc. Most places prefer that residents come to them ahead of the curve rather than emergent and the family in panic mode. In other words they should consider these things sooner rather than later.

If the POA is the one insisting that the parents stay home - then if they are not open to the conversation - it might be that the ultimatum is the only option and that your DH is just the first sibling to jump ship so to speak. If enough of the siblings follow suit, the POA will be forced to hire help to fill in the gaps, and then eventually will likely see the need to assess other options.

Unfortunately, I hate to say this, it is the position that our parents put us in sometimes by not having any plan for the time when their care becomes too much for home. And when there are multiple siblings it becomes a competition (and everyone becomes a child again sometimes trying to win mommy and daddy's love) when what everyone SHOULD be focused on is what is best for their parents and the rest of the family and not just about keeping them in their home. I would also posit the question - WHY is the POA so insistent no keeping them home? Is this the family home that the POA wants to preserve? Or is it that they want to honor a promise to not remove the parents from the home? Is there some underlying reason why the POA is not budging on this?
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CCWargel Mar 2023
Thanks for the insights and ideas. Good things to think on.
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I am sure other siblings feel the same way but no one wants to be the bad guy.

Maybe if husband takes a stand and stopsi all help others will follow.

I think the sister who has POA will be a martyr to the end regarding moms care. That is her choice to make.

I don't see this family as close knit simply because there is no communication among the parents and adult children. Dysfunctionally tight and dictorally emeshed where mom rules the roost and older sister enforces what mom wants.
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None of the siblings are retired?
So my question is how is it possible to continue this arrangement and for how long?
Surely unless they are all independently wealthy some have to work?
However you look at that this is not sustainable and feasible.
Your husband has a right to say no, his own health should be more important.
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This is my advice to your husband. Walk away now! If others feel that they can do a better job, let them do it. If they go to you wanting help with something, you can choose to help or not to be of any assistance to them.

It is hard enough to get 2 people to agree on something, let alone multiple people to come to an agreement.

So, forget about it and let the chips fall where they may.

You do not have any control over others. You only have control over your own life, and sometimes not even then. Surprises happen in everyone’s life. There are no exceptions. Plus, no one can predict the future.

I am not trying to be negative or unsympathetic. I am viewing this from a realistic perspective.

Wishing you peace as you try to sort through your options regarding this matter.
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I’m willing to bet if a better plan or agreement hasn’t been made by now, it’s not happening. Please encourage your husband not to sacrifice his own health and well being trying to make an impossible situation better. He needs to back out of the caregiving, no explanations or justifications needed, it’s all been gone over before. He can call his parents and check on them a few times a week. Let the POA have at the hands on stuff and don’t accept any guilt over it. That close knit sibling group is a fantasy, clearly several of them are after their own interests. If the time comes that the group is willing to honestly make changes, he can be available. Catering to unrealistic whims never helped anyone
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Beatty Mar 2023
"Catering to unrealistic whims never helped anyone"

So true. I am letting that line sink deeply in.
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This situation reminds me of my mother, her sister, and their cousins hashing out what to do with the family ranch their parents all inherited in undivided portions and subsequently left to their own children (mom's generation). There were 24 owners -- half of them farmers or local to the ranch and half city dwellers who'd never lived in the area.

Everyone was friendly and tried hard to be pleasant and cooperative and respectful of one another, but the bottom line was that half the group was not of the farmer's mindset that "you don't sell land." One "city" cousin took the fall, so to speak, by forcing the sale. Out of the group, one farmer cousin never spoke to him again, but they weren't close anyway. Eventually everyone else fell in line, and the ranch was sold.

My point is your husband is the one who has to "force the sale," so to speak. He needs to state what he can reasonably do (as little hands-on assistance as possible), and I'll bet you'll see the other siblings fall one by one, too, until the locals find themselves unable to sustain the lifestyle to which Mom has become accustomed.

The important thing he needs to tell himself is that his participation in the collective martyrdom (or not) will not contribute to nor delay his parents' declines. That will happen regardless of what anyone does or how much they do or don't help.

I, too, vote for writing the letter to the siblings and sending it out. If THEY want to discuss it, let them initiate a group meeting. Your husband's position will have been clearly stated already.
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"Has anyone been in this situation? Tried an ultimatum?"
- Yes

"Have other ideas to ease the situation? I can't imagine it's going to end well".
- Ended very well actually. It forced CHANGE.

"So, he's basically trapped".
- No, not at all. It appears that way BUT he does have power here. Plenty of power.

"The family has always been very tight..."
- Tight..close.. but what COMMUNICATION?

".. and my husband is a "pleaser."
- That's about to change 😁
That's the very best bit!
Your DH is going to stand up for himself with his family. It can take practice.. but this is the way forward. Where adults communicate, respect each other. Respect when others say."No".
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Another angle.. IF you & DH want to delve deep into the FOG.. just WHY does Leader sib & other sibs want to keep the folks at home?

What are their actual reasons?

Sometimes fear shuts down conversations.

If anyone made that (umm.. foolish) promise of no NH ever.. that person may need to look at that. Or does it make them feel bad.. not the perfect son/daughter? This also is their own issue.

Or maybe to protect Mom? Avoid her getting displeased? (I see that in my DH's family & yet she is a totally reasonable person & can handle the truth).
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Acording to your posts here and from back in October, the harpies are quite dissatisfied with your husband's efforts.

So in his shoes, I would quit trying. "Nope, I can't do this any longer. You'll have to make other arrangements ".

Is this all an attempt by some siblings to save their inheritance?
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I've been thinking about this some more - along the lines of how the other siblings are feeling. It is possible that he is the only one - but its not likely.

There is a story about a classroom of kids, high schoolers. Their teacher walks in the room with fish in a bowl of water. He sits it on his desk at the front of the classroom. He says "No matter what happens, you are not allowed to speak. You are not allowed to get out of your seats until I get back to the room. If you do, you will fail this class. No exceptions!"

And with that he scooped the fish out of the bowl and put it on his desk and walked out of the room.

The kids were all completely freaked out, the fish of course was going to die out of the water. They were all looking at each other. No one wanted to move - they didn't want to fail the class. No one spoke. No one got out of their desk. No one moved except to look at the fish and back at each other in horror.

FINALLY after what seemed like forever but could have only been seconds, one girl got up and ran up to the desk and scooped the fish up and put it back in the water. EVERYONE else in the room breathed a sigh of relief. Because they ALL wanted to do it, but no one had the courage to go first.

Perhaps you have that scenario with the rest of the siblings. Perhaps they all want to do this except the POA, but no one wants to be the first to speak up? Maybe not, but you never know. There are 6 siblings. Chances are at least one other sibling agrees. Chances are even better that at least half of them are in agreement. Because you mention that some have done far less than others - they are already establishing their boundaries. You mention that three refuse to discuss it including the POA. Are the other two in agreement with the POA? Or because they just want to go along to get along?

Everyone has other commitments.

I can't help but come back to WHY is the POA so invested in keeping the parents home? This is only going to get harder as time goes by. Without having a lot information - it seems to me that there is some ulterior motive for the POA insisting that they can ONLY stay in the home. Is there some inheritance? Did she make some promise to them to keep them in the home? What is pushing her to make sure they stay?

Back to the "fish story". What happened to the kids? What happened to the fish? The fish was of course fine because the girl stepped up and saved it. (the parents in this story) The teacher was of course watching them because it was a "social experiment" lesson for the class but she was REWARDED for her actions not punished. The other kids were grateful that she stepped up first and they didn't have to be the ones to make the first move because they wanted to but were too scared to do it. (the siblings) Because they KNEW they should, but they were scared of the consequences/repercussions if they did. But the girl that stepped out knew that she couldn't sit by any longer and let what was happening continue because nothing good was going to come of it.

It is scary sometimes to be the voice of reason crying out. But someone has to do it when everyone else is sitting on their hands and something needs to be done. Perhaps if your husband says we either look at alternatives or I have to stop doing this....the entire process hinges on EVERYONE participating....
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MountainMoose Mar 2023
Outstanding post, BEG94! Reminds me of the time I proposed to my siblings and parents we adult stop gift exchanges at Christmas except for the kids. After they got over their shock, they all agreed.
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I have said this so many times....THE PEOPLE NEEDING THE ASISTANCE NEED TO BE THE ONES TO COMPROMISE. OP please say that out loud.

Your MIL sounds like my grandmother. Everyone was terrified of displeasing this frail old lady like she held the power of life and death. Please tell me why her adult children cannot say no to her. What exactly can she do to them?

Your husband needs to tell his siblings that he can no longer keep up the pace. He needs to man up and tell his mother that he is not going to give up the other responsibilities in his life because she refuses to make changes to hers.

I understand the whole people pleaser type. I hate to disappoint others. But sometimes you just have to for your own well being. And the world does not stop when this happens. If he has been mowing her lawn he needs to stop and tell her to hire out. He will help her find someone but she is paying for it. If MIL can't afford it, then she shouldn't remain in her home. That is how it is. Remember your parents didn't give in to your every whim as a child so why are you giving in to their every whim now?
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MountainMoose Mar 2023
That THE PEOPLE NEEDING THE ASISTANCE NEED TO BE THE ONES TO COMPROMISE must shouted by everyone.
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I think your husband needs to re-think some definitions.

A family of adults is NOT a work team, and it has NO BOSS.
An elderly parent is NOT a retired business founder and is NOT a controlling shareholder.
ANYONE can quit.

The ‘LEADER’ probably lives closer, has fewer obligations, and sees themselves as the favored individual/ 'shining star'. “All they want” is for everyone else to “pull their weight’ so that they can keep their own happy self-image. For them, there is no Plan B.

Arguing with 'the leader' is a lost cause and a waste of time, unless everyone else in the mix agrees to 'sack' them.

DH is NOT under any obligation to anyone else – except his own wife and children.
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Beatty Mar 2023
Very good description Margaret.

Here's that in action - true story.

A self-appointed 'Boss' popped up in a family after an elder (E) had surgury. E didn't want in-patient rehab, thought could manage at home, so went home. B volunteered to provide any help. OK good.

The help level turned out to be more than anticipated. Not so good.

So B calls all family. "I'M doing everything! YOU all must help too! It's only fair! So I'm setting up a roster. You can do... blah blah"

No.

What's reasonable?
To ASK for help.

What's NOT reasonable?
DEMANDING.
Assigning tasks to people.
Rostering other people's time.

This was explained to the 'Boss'.

B, you volunteered. B, you said yes... but you can also say no. E can look at other options.

But the 'Boss' would not even contemplate saying no. Abhorred the very idea.

When pushed WHY..

"Because I wanted to be the BEST helper! Wanted to be the most helpful.." A Ha.
That try hard *Shining Star* quickly grasped the reason behind their behaviour: Attention. Recognition. Reputation. Self-image. (Credit to them). Whether that insight becomes education to build on for next time, only time will tell.
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Time to place mom in a facility. Would you really want anyone that is forced to care for her, caring for her?
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Beatty Mar 2023
No, I wouldn't want people with growing resentment caring for family, me or anyone.
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Truth of the matter is that families can break up over caregiving . Some siblings have already been not doing a lot.

Your husband has to do what is healthy for him. Your husband backing out won’t change the dynamic that the other siblings have already started .

No one should feel like they have to do more than they are able to do. I did 90% of the caregiving for my parents . Asked for very little help from one nearby sibling .
I asked for no help from 3 far away siblings . One did offer and did help alittle towards the end . Two that did nothing act like I don’t exist .

Had I refused to take care of my parents, I don’t think would have made any difference in the siblings relationship .

The fact that I was the one that was expected to take care of my parents was placed on me by my mother .

The expectations put on the adult children by the elderly parents is what breaks the family apart as each child figures out how to deal with it.
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Davenport Apr 2023
Because my mom hadn't made plans, the three adult children, who were never close but weren't estranged either, were forced to step in/up. Within 3-4 years what amount of goodwill had been between the three sibs was exhausted; resentment about who did what/how much/when (the usual).

I blame mom for not making any plans. Money wasn't really a major issue. I think my mom was irresponsible and immature. She wasn't a particularly warm and fuzzy mom, so as adults, we weren't eager to parent her when she needed help; one lived 250 miles away, and the two that lived close worked full time.

I don't have children, but boy, I'd never expect my kids to do for me what I and my sibs were forced to do. Eventually, mom did go into AL, but the sibs rarely speak to each other anymore.
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It's time to place both parents in a facility before anyone gets destroyed.
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So this is still going on and everyone is still trying to please Big Momma, the only one that matters. I’m going to be sick.

Get me a walker! Send someone to fix my lunch! Drive 250 miles to change the toilet paper roll! (Just practicing in case I need to know how to create generations of groveling helpers someday.)
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Way2tired Apr 2023
” the toilet paper roll “. 😂😂😂😂

love it Fawnby
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Blue Eyed Girl said this...

"I hate to say this, it is the position that our parents put us in sometimes by not having any plan for the time when their care becomes too much for home."

And we make our parents aware that we will not going to be the ones caring for them early on. You make no plans, don't expect me to be it.

My parents made no plans because they had no money to make plans. They raised 4 kids on a blue colored workers salary. Mom never held down a job. When she finally got the last child out of the house, my Dad had to take disability for his heart. She became his caregiver. He passed at 79. I did take her into my home only because she could not live alone. I put the house up for sale and hoped the proceeds and life insurance from my Dad would get Mom 2 yrs in AL and then Medicaid. In 20 months it did not happen and I found a caregiver I am not. I was looking for respite care for Mom when I found the local AL was having a half price sale on room and board meaning Mom could afford it for at least a year so I placed her hoping the house would sell. Best decision I made.

"THE PEOPLE NEEDING THE ASSISTANCE, NEED TO BE THE ONES TO COMPROMISE" Love that! This is what needs to be drummed into some peoples heads. My MIL did not feel this way. She wanted us to pick up and move 900miles to Fla. I said no, I have responsibilities here one being my Mom, in her 80s. MIL said bring her with you, I said no I was not moving Mom away from friends, family and her Church. MILs response, "we all have to compromise" I felt like saying "yes E everyone but you" My DHs look on this, she chose to move 900 miles from us at the age of 68.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
Your mother in law was extremely selfish, JoAnn.

When I read your posts and I am so glad that I had a wonderful mother in law.

My mother in law had a witch for her mother in law, plus her mother was extremely mean. She was doubly cursed!

My mother in law promised me that she would never treat me the same way that she was treated. She kept her word. She loved me and I loved her.

I am glad that your mother was nice and not at all like your mother in law.
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Husband needs to stand up - I can not do A, and B but I can do C.
You need to call a paid care-giver to take my place. He gives a little yet backs off a little.
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