My husband has 5 siblings. They've always been quite close. Both parents are on walkers, can't drive and are unable to manage DLAs on their own. The siblings have been rotating turns personally caring for the parents for 14+ months now. Some drive 4-6 hours to get there. Some have spent as much as 7 weeks over a 12 month period staying there. Others have done far less. NONE of the siblings are retired. There is zero hired caregiver support--they live in a low population area where in-home caregivers are next to impossible to find (at least that's the running story). (Mom would qualify for in-home nursing care. Dad would be assisted living.) Three siblings, including the default "leader," refuse to discuss other care-giving options. There has not been a single sibling meeting, group discussion, zoom or anything about a care plan since it all started. It's just: here's what they local sibling expects. Show up.
Anyway--my husband runs a business. His stress level, going to care for them so much, is through the roof. He has tried to take over leadership. He has tried to set up meetings. Several siblings always back out making consensus-building impossible. They refuse to discuss the future. So, he's basically trapped. The family has always been very tight and my husband is a "pleaser." It's killing him to be in disagreement with his siblings. He feels they only care about cow-towing to Mom and are ignoring sibling relationships, needs and health. But he's unable to participate in this arrangement any longer.
He's so miserable and stressed he's planning to give an ultimatum: Have a sibling planning meeting to discuss future options or he'll stop providing parental care altogether. (To-date he's just told them he can't come as often. But he keeps getting sucked back into saying yes due to guilt and worry of ruining his sibling ties.)
Has anyone been in this situation? Tried an ultimatum? Have other ideas to ease the situation? I can't imagine it's going to end well. Thanks in advance.
In essence, get in the group or get out of the way.
Once he figures out what he can and cannot do, under the different scenarios, he will be in a much better position to fight his case. However, no matter what happens, I'm sure it is going to be rougher on someone, and rough on everyone, including his parents.
If hubby can't do what he's been doing and all the others still work, it might be time to head to facility care. Hubby could start looking at facilities that can handle both parents, probably separate areas of the facility, and try to find something that is middle of the road in travel time for everyone.
A positive point for facility care is that all the siblings can actually 'visit' with parents while not spending all their time doing the hard work. If dad can't manage on his own or handle (on his own) DLA's, it's doubtful he will qualify for assisted living situation. Assisted living means a person can pretty much manage on their own. It's possible both of them would need same level of care even though mom seems worse off than him.
Ultimatums don't work. You draw a line in the sand and the others say 'you don't make the rules for us'. Better to be frank is what you can or cannot continue to do and offer a better solution for others to consider. And facility care might be best option at this point.
Who has financial PIA?
Are there funds to pay for long term care facility?
Will someone need to apply for Medicade etc to pay for care.
It sounds like you will need to find out many things (if you have already done so). I would start now because you never know what quirky clause you may find in their trust (if there is one) that will entirely screw up you planning for their care. I speak from experience.
I would say whomever had medical POA and financial POA lay down the law and tell the others what will happen.
Give them one chance to attend a meeting then proceed with a plan.
Good luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Say-Yes-How/dp/0310209749/ref=sr_1_5?crid=RLCZJ46FNOTV&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend&qid=1680760780&sprefix=bound%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-5
People often are very unhappy and throw fits when you start enforcing your own boundaries, as they are used to doing their own thing, regardless of whose boudaries they are trampling on.
Seriously. At home, with extended family, at work.
Putting them in a facility or facilities (if two different care levels is needed) will not relieve the locals completely as there is still a lot of attention needed but it would help them and make it more flexible for the long distance siblings to visit and pitch in to help at times.