My husband is my primary CG. He is a narcissist, but most of the time he’s very good. I know he gets frustrated, but so so I.
He criticizes everything I do to try to help. If I don’t help he criticizes that. He puts on such a show to others. No one would believe me if I told them some of the things he does. We do love each other, but I don’t need this. Should I just take all the stuff he dishes out? I’m not allowed to voice my opinion. He’s just an a**hole sometimes. I feel guilty because I know some have it much worse. I'm lucky I guess.
You have to make up your mind here. Are you happy or miserable? Is dh a good guy or a narcissistic a hole? Do you deserve better than you're being given or just the crumbs you're being tossed?
Maybe your dh needs respite from being your caregiver and is feeling burned out or some compassion fatigue right now. Talk to him about what's going on in HIS head and if you should hire outside carers so he can get a break.
Decide, ultimately, what's best for you, and then make changes accordingly. But also take into consideration what dh has to say so you can look at the whole picture clearly, if possible, because you honestly seem confused.
As usual, well said.
With all respect to you, may I ask a question? I do not mean to upset or offend you with it.
When you try to help with something, does it make more work for your husband? I was a professional caregiver for 25 years. I can say that many times when a client would try to help it made double the work for me.
No one has unlimited patience. Caregivers are only human and we have human emotions that include anger and frustration.
Also, if your husband was truly a narcissist he would not be taking care of you. He would walk away.
Try some hired help. It will be good for both of you.
What other family is involved? Is there anyone that WOULD ‘believe you if you told them some of the things he does’? You need the ability to have a private talk with them. He ‘puts on such a show’, and it probably helps him to feel good about what he is doing. You have the same need for someone to talk to privately about your side of the story.
Can and do you get away for some time on your own – and to give him some time on his own as well? Are there adult day care options (or anything similar) you could visit alone? Being in a one on one relationship is stressful for both sides, and the power it is giving to your husband is probably making things worse.
You clearly care about each other, and you don’t seem to be asking questions about splitting from him. So think of how to expand the little frustrating world that you are both trapped in at present. Best wishes, Margaret
Your husband has caregiver burnout. Unless you've experienced it yourself personally, you have no idea what it does to a person.
Really, you don't know.
Speaking as a person who has experienced caregiver burnout so extreme that I had to stop doing hands-on care, I can tell you that the last thing you should ever try to do with your caregiver is argue.
You deserve better and if your husband isn't able to care for you properly, it's time for you to move into a more appropriate care setting such as assisted living or the like, so you can start getting treated like you deserve.
Call Adult Protective Services to find out what your options are. And please don't continue to take the abuse.
You do not mention why you need a caregiver but you do not have to stay in the position you are in.
Contact your doctor for an appointment.
One of the questions they should always ask a patient is "do you feel safe at home" when this question is asked respond "No I do not feel safe at home".
If at any time you are not feeling safe call 911. Explain that you do not feel safe.
(Inform the dispatcher if there are weapons in the house.)
PLEASE do not let him abuse you physically, emotionally, mentally. It may not seem like it's not that bad but it erodes away your self confidence and you begin to believe.
Depending on what care you need it may be that he is stressed and needs help (this is not an excuse and I may be way off) But if this is the case he needs to learn how to deal with his emotions.
PLEASE talk to your doctor or if you have another medical person or close friend you can trust confide in them.
And although the term narcissist is way over used and true narcs are not common it often does accurately describe a personality type. I can totally see someone in my family who might behave this way in similar circumstances, although there may be a brain injury or dementia at play it may also be that he's an a$$ and always has been.