My stepson who is 50 years old hated me before he even met me. I think this man has some mental problems. He is so mean spirited it's unbelievable. He hasn't seen his father for over five years and has talked to him for 2 minutes three times in those five years. This man has threatened me that if anything ever happens to his father, he will make sure the police are knocking at my door within 24 hours. The rest of this family doesn't like me either because of lies the stepson has told them about me. Now my husband is sick, and his mind is no longer in shape. But when he was still sharp minded, he told me he wanted to be cremated and he did not want a funeral because of the way his family has behaved toward both of us for the last seven years. When the time comes, I am very tempted to not to tell any of them until I get the ashes back. That way there will not be any reason to argue because it will already be done. I am dreading the aftermath of losing my husband. What should I do? I don't want to act mean spirited, but this man does worry me.
I'm sorry that you're worried, especially at what must be a stressful time anyway. Stepfamilies can be very difficult things to negotiate. Did your husband make a will, or put anything in writing about his funeral preferences? If he didn't, you decide on the funeral arrangements, keeping it as simple as you believe your husband would have wished, and you inform anyone with an obvious right to know - such as his son - what the arrangements are. That is the correct thing to do. Do you have friends or family of your own supporting you through this?
As to whether you should tell his children...if he wants this he himself should tell them but be forewarned that if he is slipping into dementia he may start saying things to people that are incorrect or delusional. If you think he's not able to make the decision to tell them, then if you are his PoA you do what is in his best interests but only tell them after all the legal documents are in place. I wish you both peace in your hearts.
Can a conversation be recorded with him explaining what he wants as far as a funeral (or no funeral)?
Does your husbands family know that he is now sick? And if so how sick he is?
You do not mention a diagnosis in your profile and just mention that "his mind is no longer shape"
It might be time to let his children know what is going on, it is amazing when faced with a diagnosis sometimes even hard hearts are softened a bit and closed minds may open a bit.
see every entity that can help make sure that when the time comes that you have all the paperwork and witnesses you need that both of you have spoken to that will back you up.
leave no questions unanswered.
you have been warned by the stepson. Be quietly prepared. Protect yourself in order to help your husband know you will care for him and his wishes.
Let me ask you this, other than the step son, who you need not discuss with that family at all, have YOU yourself reached out to his family? Have you sent notes and updates as time has gone on about your husband's condition, about his wishes. When he was more well was he in contact with them? Did he love them?
My answer depends on your answers to those questions. If your husband loved them, saw them, joked and laughed with them, had celebrations with them, then I would keep the family updated. I would ask them:
"What do you prefer? I can communicate with one of you, and you can form a phone tree, or I can send you each a copy of what is going on. I know on some level he won't know who you are, but you can visit: I am pretty busy, but can muster up some tea".
If the family is not currently visiting or seeing your hubby, I cannot imagine why they would want to when he is dead, in all truth. If they are, it may be time to tell them you have an uncomfortable subject,and that is to tell them that he, sadly, asked for cremation without services.
My partner and that want that and have discussed that with our families and put it in our Trust, so there is no surprise there.
What SHOULD have been done in the past cannot now be done in the right order. But there is still time.
And, after all is said and done, if a family who hates you moves on muttering about you, so WHAT? Nothing is changed. They didn't like you then, they don't like you now, and they won't like you in the future. Continue on with your life, make new friends, and celebrate what it is to live.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. My partner raised two children and I raised two children and we all love one another. We have been terribly lucky in that. But we discuss things with all, we write out things that need to be written, and face the fact that, in our 80s now, one of us will be leaving the other. I hope we keep out "step families in that loss, but there are no guarantees. My best out to you.
What she did was sell their house and she moved to a lovely condo. She did not tell any of his kids anything because they were not owed an explanation. Everything this couple had they got together. Their home, the cars, everything. She was her husband's heir and that was fair.
She gave him a nice funeral and then severed all ties and communication with his adult kids.
There is absolutely nothing your stepson can do. Let him call the police when his father passes. They will laugh in his face.
If he gets too cute with the threats, get a restraining order against him.
You are legally married to your husband and this means you are his next of kin. If you decide to go with cremation, that is your right. If it is your husband's wishes that there be no funeral service, don't do one. If you choose to speak to his family if they ask, tell them it that these were his wished and you're honoring them.
You don't have to answer to anyone.
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