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My mom died 6 weeks ago. She was in assisted living and I was there much of the time with her. Suddenly she developed pneumonia and 5 days later she was gone. I can't seem to get past this. I was with her when she died and the image will forever stay in my mind. I'm depressed and experiencing panic attacks every day. I have no desire to move on with my day. I do take antidepressants but they obviously are not kicking in. Mom was 92 and I know I should be thankful that I had her as long as I did, but it doesn't help how I feel.


Is this a common reaction? How long does this grief last and how can I help myself?

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An exercise that can help is to keep asking, "And then what happened?"
You said the memory of being with her when she died is difficult. Keep asking the question until you get to a state of quiet if not peace.

I saw her last breath.
And then what happened?
I sat with her.
And then what happened?
The nurses came and told me she was gone.
And then what happened?
I made phone calls to family. That was so hard.
And then what happened?
They came and we cried together.
And then what happened?
I went home and was able to sleep.
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You have my sympathy. It is not long since this overwhelming experience, and you are probably still dealing with the details of belongings, paperwork etc. There are so many things to keep you focussed on her death and your grief, because it is still taking up so much of your life. My experience is that I have mourned my mother’s death for twenty years now, but the time when it is strong is now very little of my life. I think of grief (and anger) as being in a box. At first the box is big in your life, and the lid springs open easily. As time passes, the box shrinks and the lid is usually shut. However the same grief is still there inside the box.

Try to build up the other things in your life (your children? earning a living? travel?). I am sure that you know you need to do this, but it takes time and a lot of self control to make it happen. Best wishes.
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Yes, it is a common reaction, especially to those whose lives were so entrenched with a loved one who has passed. Find grief support groups. Was she on hospice? There are counseling services available through them. Find a therapist to assist you in processing the loss of your mom.

Unfortunately, there is no time limitation on grief. That is up to you. That you ask the question shows that you want to move past your mother's death, but it really was not that long ago. It will take work. Each day do something special for you. Go out to lunch with a friend, attend yoga classes, find something that you will enjoy doing to get your life going again. A book club? Read Being Mortal.

I am so sorry for your loss and accept that mom is now at rest.
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Six weeks is not a very long time. Grief is its own thing unlike anything else. It's not depression. It's a normal part of the human experience. You loved her and now she is gone and you are grieving. Each person's grief has its own timeline and you are allowed to feel everything you feel. It's ok. You will always love her and you will always miss her. Right now it's huge and the only thing you can think of. It's the only thing you can feel. As time goes by, you will be able to think of other things as well. You will be able to feel other things. Little by little you will gather up the other parts of your life. All of them. The multitude of good things and bad things, the ordinary and the mundane that we all have. She will always be there and that will be one of your good things. You will be fine.
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I suggest a grief support group (they are available through your church, other churches, local AL or Memory Care in your area, etc. You don't have to belong to the church or have someone at the AL or residential care facility -- they will still welcome outsiders to share your feelings and experience.

I think the grief is different for everyone and you should definitely give yourself permission for whatever time you need. You don't get over it. Its like a wound that scabs over (you bump it and hurts and bleeds all over again), but each day it gets better and better.

If you spend alot of time with your loved ones and were very close or did the caregiving -- I would say there is some PTSD that sets in and it takes a while to find your new normal.

Give it time.
Rely on a close friend or two who are supportive no matter what
Find some new activities, daily routines, exercise that can distract
Maybe distance yourself from the house, memorabilia etc. for a few months - tuck them away so that you aren't having constant reminders of the loss -- you are going to feel that loss with or without the visuals.
Give yourself permission to shed the tears, set a time (20 min) and then force yourself to go for a walk, do a chore, or treat yourself to a milkshake or ice cream.
If this becomes so overwhelming after 6 months and you can't function -- then you may need to see a therapist to help you manage.
Remember - YOUR MOM/DAD WOULD NEVER WANT TO SEE THEIR LOVING DAUGHTER SO SAD AND DISTRAUGHT! That would wish you a happy life just as they had.
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My Mom has been gone for 3-1/2 years, Dad 4. They were 92 and 93. They were my best friends. I have great friends, siblings, a wonderful supportive husband and daughter, and I am still sad every.single.day. I don't know how long grief ends. Some days I make it through a day perfectly fine, and other days I still have to take a nap to escape living in a world without them. I have not found the magic bullet. My parents would not want me this sad. I haven't stopped missing them yet. Take as long as you need. Do at least one thing each day that needs to be done. Find at least one thing each day that YOU want to do. Go to bed, wake up, and do it all over again. Good luck. Keep sharing. Someone else is ALWAYS walking in those same shoes. Sometimes there's a small bit of comfort knowing you are not alone in this journey, and everyone copes in their own way.
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I am very sorry for Your great loss Afferino and for all of Us Who have endured the great loss of Our Mothers We can feel Your pain. The pain of loosing a loved One is dreadful tough but the pain of loosing Our Mothers was unbearable for me too. Grief remains for a very long time because We adored Our oldest and dearest Friend Our Mother. We lived together and We were very cloce but I found from being Moms Primary and sole Carer 24/7 for three years an even greater trust and closeness grew between Mother and me.
When Mom died my World crashed and it took ten months before I could feel the joy coming back into my Life again. Cry when You feel like You want to cry, let it go and take Your time as the World will still be here when You are ready to kick on with Your Life, and You will. As a Christian I really do believe once I lead a good and Holy Life here on Earth that I will be united with Mother and All my love ones when I die. How Blessed We were to have Our Mothers in Our Lives
for all of those years. Rest in Peace.
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staceyb Sep 2018
Johnjoe, you are the Sweetest Mam Ever! I Love the relationship you had with your Mum, the closeness you shared. What a Lucky Mother you had to have had such a Devoted Son in you!

I feel very much the same way you do about my own parents, taken from us far too soon. I miss them every day, but Thank God they left me with 5 Wonderful Siblings, who each hold many of the great characteristics of each of them, to carry me through my grief.

I am so often saddened by those who did not have the wonderful parents that you and I were blessed with, but I firmly believe that you make your family here on earth, and they don't necessarily have to be those we are related to.

For those still in the throes of grief, there is unfortunately no specific timeline for grieving, you Must put one foot forward each day, reach out to others, and never be ashamed to seek assistance from your Dr for help with medication either, to get us over the hump.

God Bless all of us who are grieving the loss of a parent!
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My mother passed on my birthday two months ago. I feel the same way, it is hard. I was her primary caregiver for the last few years and she was my only parent for 40 years, since my father passed. The rock that was holding the family together. I miss even checking on her to see if she is ok. I probably am going to have to look for a counseling group. Right now I am poring myself into other projects, but it is hard.
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I am sending condolences on the loss of your mother. You have come to the right place for support. You may want to find a grief support group.
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I was there when my father passed and the image was very real for some time but after 8 years it has lessened. You might need a different medication. I went to a group for grieving. It was helpful to be with others experiencing the same sadness. Your mother lived a long life. Eventually you might find solace in that. There are so many stories here of people living so long in such bad shape. That causes it's own grief. I hope you have better days ahead.
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