Our decision is to move 8 hours away because our parents are aging and my mom has dementia which she won’t admit to. I don’t think it’s fair to leave all to my brother or sister and also I love and value my mother for raising me. My son is a sophomore and he is extremely angry about it. I do know what it’s like to be relocated in high school. It happened to me but I was in 9th. I feel like he will adjust. But he’s so angry with us and says he’d rather be adopted. I don’t know how to tell him how I’m feeling. He just says I don’t care about him. Am I being selfish? Is he right? I don’t want to hurt him but I also want to teach him the value in caring for family. We’ve lived far away his whole life. He’s such an angry guy anyway.
"mom has dementia which she won’t admit to".
If you break you leg, you can see & feel it. If you brain is breaking in little ways - the brain doesn't always know.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-top-tips-how-to-handle-varying-levels-of-awareness-430619.htm
Your minor child
Your spouse
Yourself.
What plans have your parents made for their old age? Have you considered moving them closer to you?
If your teenaged son is an angry guy on a good day, consider finding a therapist for him.
And tell your son being adopted is not something he should be wishing for. If he was, he'd have another whole set of complaints to be angry about! Being a teenager is a very tough time of life in the best of situations, ain't that the truth?
Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.
Before all these electronic annoyances, many families would sit down at the dinner table and talk, no phones, tvs, or any other electronic disturbances. Have you done that?
I think you need to have a family discussion with your other siblings to get everyone. If I were in your shoes I'd let my sibs know that we'll be staying put until my son graduates and then after that reconsider whether moving closer will create the help she needs. Your mom's care needs will be there for quite some time and a lot can happen in 2 years. In the meantime you can discuss with your siblings ways you can help from afar.
I feel for your son...he is calling it selfish (and it obviously isn't) but it is a huge change in his life that he may not easily recover from. Maybe sit down with him and discuss the quandary of the situation. He's probably 16-17, right? Old enough to start seeing the hard stuff in life and offer to be a part of the solution.
FYI I had a very angry son with ADD and the one saving piece was that he was able to make and keep decent friends throughout HS. Losing that as a sophomore would have created a whole new poop show. Maybe ask your son how he'd solve the problem? Sometimes when kids have to think through challenging issues themselves they come up with some really good answers. In preparing my son for any naughty behavior by him (at a play date for example) I would ask him what should be the appropriate consequence for someone who did such-and-such. He always came up with something fair and he couldn't complain if we had to apply it to him. Give your son a chance to surprise you in a good way.
Because she won't move closer to you?
My son asked me this a few years back (when seemingly on call as 'fixer' for family members).
"How old do you have to be to say no to your Mother?".
Kids, eh? But nailed the issue!
I am no longer the 'Fixer' but reshaped myself as Advocate.
It was a long road, but well worth the journey.
Jkassd, tell us more about the situation if you want.
Are you willing to give up the rest of your life to care for your aging parents and your in-laws until they pass away? The work and sense of obligation only increases and never decreases. There are many on here who have been doing this for decades with no end in sight. Ask yourself how much you are willing to do for mom and the rest of the parents before you have to make other arrangements for their care. Get all these things ironed out and talk with sister, brother, mom, dad and in-laws before jumping in feet first.
Your son is not being unreasonable in being angry about having to move for his final two years of school.
You can help from afar, somehow. What many caregivers lack is respite care, so plan on spending a week there or a few 4 day weekends to give your siblings some much appreciated time off from the demands of caregiving.
Is your dad helping with your mom's care? Is he capable or are your siblings helping him too? One mistake I made was doing TOO MUCH for my parents. It has a disabling effect, keeping them from doing as much for themselves as possible. It may be too late for this for your parents, but just something I learned a decade too late and have paid dearly for.
You could help arrange for a helper, with your parents paying, for some period of hours a week. Is it time for your parents to move out of their home into assisted living or at least senior housing of some sort that could simplify caring for them. See if their groceries can be delivered. Prescriptions. Cut back on unnecessary doctor appointments - some docs want to see my mom every 3 months and it's so unnecessary so I put an end to it. If it's needed - do it. But often these are just followups and when there's nothing new, then it's a waste of time and money.
Good luck.
My folk's primary doctor... dentist ... dermatologist ... urologist ... cardiologist ... podiatrist .... oncologist ... constantly going back to the hearing aid place ... eye doctor/new glasses .... trips to urgent care ... ER for falls ... gastroenterologists ... gynecologists for Mom [still was getting yearly mammograms at 95 years old]. Yep, doctor appts were every 3 months, eventually I learned to slide the appointments to every 5 months.
If I was younger and had children, I would have missed a lot of school activities.
also, my mental health is declining despite medications and looking forward to another 14 years with zero support is daunting.
Will moving close to your declining parents give you more support?
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, J. And it sounds like you don't have a lot of support where you are right now. And lots of folks reaching out saying " help me, I'm drowning".
Mowing isn't going to solve anything, unless you think that walking into the unknown of your mom's dementia and trying to manage her care is somehow going to alleviate the burden of having 4 kids and a husband.
There is a term we use--swooping. It means leaping into an emergency and trying to be the knight on the white horse. Many a poster here has regretted that leap. Slow down, ask questions and get a " needs assessment" on mom from the AAA.
Proced from there.
And keep in touch. We care!
I would never, ever do it again.
I implore you to listen to your son. He is your top priority, not your parents. Your sacrifice to care for your parents is not his sacrifice, nor should it be. Tearing him away from his friends and school is not a good idea, and he cannot tell you that more bluntly. As he has troubles already, don't make it worse for him.
You can model caring for family by ensuring your parents are cared for and visiting whenever possible, but you should not return to the role of obedient child while abdicating the role of parent. At the very least, wait until your son is out of school before relocating. By assuming your showing him about caring for family, you're doing exactly the opposite by showing him you don't care about him. (That's how he sees it, and I completely get it.)
We didn't have a choice in our move -- it was my husband's employer who moved us, and my husband didn't have an option for other employment in his field where we were. However, I think he would have sacrificed his 30+ year career in order to not do to our boys what we did. Please don't make the same mistake.
EDIT: Your marriage is a mess, too?? So you're possibly subjecting your children to a life-changing move AND a crumbling family life? What are you thinking??
At 8 hours away, you can't do much more than if you lived across the country.
You can arrange/handle hiring caregivers, get durable POA and set up auto bill pays,LTC claims, insurance claims, housekeeping. The closer family can do Medical POA and deal with medical.
Family needs to get together and discuss how things are going to go, based on finances, can they afford 24/7 caregivers at home, can they afford memory care, can they private pay and then sell home, will they need Medicaid? PoA set up?
If a facility, where? Near your other family, near you? Have you researched facilities for the best fit
Have a plan before you upend your family's life. It's great you want to help and support, but really, maybe parents moving closer to children may be the way to go. Or help from where you are for a couple of years until your son graduates. Then reevaluate.
Even now, with mom in Memory Care less than 15 min away, with hospice support, I've had to go to ER in the middle of the night, and course I visit her multiple days a week to check on her and visit, and to make sure things are being handled correctly. I think it's good for the staff to know you will be coming by. I do like her place and trust them to do a good job, but its my mom, you know ? Think about this if or when you decide on caregiving at home or facility. If at home it's super pricey ($28/hr, when we did it after a fall)and you need to have a plan if someone doesn't show up. 8 hours away isn't going to be able do any of the above. I've heard of people using a geriatric case manager when they live far away from loved ones.
Most of us have all been through he&& in a crappy healthcare system without the support needed for elder care and the hard choices that come with it and sometimes it triggers anyone of us to want to “warn others” of how hard this is and what it entails - but there is Not one of us who have the same journey - we need to taste our words before we hit send as someone coming here day one does not need anything but kindness and support and the truth can be delivered nicer sometimes. We are all here to help each other - which sometimes comes off unkind (maybe just from text) - you were brave to come here - don’t be scared off. You will learn and hear the good bad and ugly but I promise you - slowly you will see through the Bs and just see someone else had a bad day. Take what is good and leave the rest as usually that is just someone else’s struggle coming through as many have been hardened by this journey - nothing to do with you at all 🦋.
Im sorry
I don't think MJ1929 is 'judging' you but telling you how HER situation worked out & why she would never do it again. Try to look at her comment objectively and not emotionally. It's priceless to get an opinion from someone who's 'been there & done that' and giving you the benefit of that experience, from the other side. Take heed. You're telling us that you're having marital difficulties AND wanting to move your children at the same time, which is potentially disastrous on two fronts at once. Try to focus on ONE crisis at a time, is the point. Don't spread yourself so thin that everything falls apart. If mom (you) falls apart and the marriage falls apart, EVERYTHING goes to hell in a handbasket!!!!! That is the point she is trying to get across to you.
Get some medical help/therapy/med adjustments and worry about those issues first and foremost. See if your marriage will make it before you do anything else that will disrupt your immediate family. A divorce is VERY hard on children; I know, I put my own children through one when my daughter was 7 and she still talks about to this day and she's 28, engaged and an RN. Those memories don't die off. It was the right decision, but it still hurts the family, so take all these things into consideration.
Nobody is here to judge you or to be harsh/hard on you. Most of us are in stressful situations with our own folks/families/situations and aren't in positions to throw stones. We all offer support here, for the most part, aside from the occasional troll who comes along & talks nonsense. Take what you like & leave the rest but know that what's been said to you here in these comments is all with the best of intentions. You can't be Superwoman to all the loved ones in your life, you know? Deal with what's most important right now and that's all.
BEST OF LUCK.
then let’s say we stay here. And get divorced anyway. Now there’s definitely no returning when my (ex)husband punished me by refusing to do things for the mere purpose that he wants me to be punished. It’s so not simple.
I didn’t intend to write any of this but it’s just coming out.
I can tell you that I would love if my sister made any offer to spend time with mom and also help. So I am touched that sisters like you exist.
I think you have a lot to think about and if you are making your decision on all factors - including wanting to spend time with your mom before the disease gets further along then I think it is even more important as to why you are thinking of making this move.
Your son is a teenager and will for sure be affected by the move and that has to be considered - but if your heart is to be close to your mom to spend more time with her and help out and come together as a family to make her quality of life the best it can be for where everyone she is right now -then I commend you for thinking about such a hard decision that does affect your whole family and still seeing how wonderful that could be for all. Hard yes - but also some beautiful things in it….for however long it is possible.
I am and always have been close to my mom - before her massive stroke I did spend time with her as she lives close by - I talk to her every day and truth is now after her stroke I plain out wish I had made sure to do all the things we talked about doing. When I say I really did spend time with my mom - we had shopping trips or days by the pool - we text or chatted all week long. We did always make time for each other - but in the blink of an eye life can change and it can be and look very different - so I think if I thought my mom would be “different” from a disease that I too would move closer to her and family in hopes to get through it in the best and greatest way we could.
I have been her full care for almost 3 years now and it’s not by guilt of owing her anything - it really just is that I love her - she was a good mom and I want her life to be as blessed as the life she always tried her best to give me.
I just have a value of what family is - I know it takes a village to help with elder care - raising kids - etc - I also know how exhausting it is but I just have always been the person who follows my heart - I’m a giver and I honestly wouldn’t change that about myself.
Again - you have many (including your spouse) to include when making this choice as yes they all matter but I am just touched that you are coming together as a family to find a better solution. Whatever that may be - best wishes 🌈
The teen years are all about the instant and it is a wonderful time to introduce the concepts of LONG TERM and LIFE DECISIONS that don't directly benefit yourself.
What you describe is very similar to what my parents did when I was young. My sister, who was about your son’s age, was furious, and never forgave our parents. I was about the age of your youngest, and now, well over 50 years later, am still very glad my parents made the move.
My parents made deals with my angry sister. She got to stay with friends to finish the year at her old school. She got the best room in the new house and a lot of upgrades and considerations in it. It was blatant bribery, and only partly effective.
The absolute reality is children do not get to govern where the parents decide the family will live. You move and in two years your son can move right back where you had been if he so chooses. It will be his choice then. You are not ruining his life. You are mildly inconveniencing a couple years for him. He may not be able to see life beyond high school and his friends there, but in a couple years - even if you don’t move - that is all changing and going away for him.
My only suggestion would be for you and your husband to move if and only if it is a good choice for you two and your marriage. You are the core. All other considerations radiate outward from your union.
Honestly, it’s great that you want to be there for your mom. Commendable, really. Also great that you don’t want your sibs to shoulder the burden entirely.
However, Your kid has 1 year left of school. If you move now, he will get over it, but you have to be prepared for a lot of grief. A year and a half, he’ll be going away to college wherever he chooses - move then and your home life will be better.
There are lots of people on here and they are all commenting about how their families do nothing but bicker. They are at war with each other. If it were me, I’d keep the peace until Graduation Day, and then list on that day. You’re going to have your hands full enough with what’s to come caregiving (believe me with that one) that you will want your relationship with your son to move forward in his college years on good terms together.
After all, he’ll be looking after you one day. Hopefully.
Teenagers are not the nicest people on the planet. So deciding to move him away from everyone he has ever known probably feels like the end of the world. And it is for him and everything he knows.
A seven year old is far better equipped to deal with change. They haven't had much opportunity for their peers to stomp them into the ground. You might get more drama but, they adjust better, they are a typically nicer age group.
I would not take on more change until you get your nuclear family more stable. It could very well cause an explosion. He's angry in therapy, you're in therapy and getting ready to go for marital therapy, sounds like a whole lot of problems that you can't move away from. Adding a demented mom/grandma to the mix isn't beneficial in any way. You and your husband have 4 children that are your priority, not aging parents.
16 is old enough to talk to him and find out what he would like to see happen. Does he have a friend he could board with until he graduates? Is there a local YMCA that he could stay at?
Give him some choices about his life and he may just surprise you.
I had a friend that stayed at a YWCA to graduate with her class and there were boundaries and agreements about what her end of the deal was for being allowed to do that. She had to work and buy all her own food and much of her clothing. Want to play adult, well, that's what adults do. She also had to keep her GPA up, any slack and game over.
If you are the only one in your nuclear family that wants to move, then yes, you are being selfish.
See a divorce attorney first. Do not leave until you do. You have more rights if you don't abandon the marital home.
J, it sounds like there are a LOT of moving parts in your life right now and you are trying to keep all of them from crashing down on your head. Lots of folks pulling you in different directions.
This sounds like a situation that calls for flexibility and the ability to compromise. Is anyone else in your household good at that, or is it just you twisting yourself into a pretzel?
For right now, it sounds like going to visit your mom for a week might allow you to get the lay of the land. Also, gets you some space to think.
Is that doable?
PS, a marriage in which it feels like you're being punished for trying to do the right thing is very bad for your mental health. Ask me how I know.
But, as they say in air travel, " put your air mask on first, then help anyone else". Getting into therapy, by yourself or with your husband should be a priority. A lot of you teens anger and acting out could be due to the tensions in the household. If you do plan to move, it would at least be easier on him in summer break. Do you guys have jobs lined up in the new city or work from home?
Dealing with dementia in a parent is hard, emotionally. For me it's watching pieces of her dissappear day by day. Some days are good, and some days she doesn't recognize you, or you're fielding a call about your prim and proper mom calling a caregiver an a****** and biting someone. It's taken a toll; when she was living with me a peeing in a trash can or accusing us of not letting her go home to her children as she sundowns, it put incredible tension on myself and husband. We've been married for 38 years, and we were snappishwith each other and sleep deprived. I'm usually not much of a crier, at least not in public.. I think I've cried more tears in the last 2 years than in the previous 20.
My advice, take time to plan. Get some therapy, decide if the marriage is worth working on. No adult should take their anger out on their children, and I hate to say this but document in a journal, if it gets bad. Get with other family members, maybe a long weekend at your parents, and see what they need and can afford. Don't jump into caregiving, they will be leaning on you; with dementia they can't help it. You can't expect a lot of support from them.
I know of several families who had to move while there child was in the upper levels of high school. The successful families were the ones who arranged to board their high schooler in their home town. I do not know if that is an option for you.
A couple times you mentioned wanting to help your sister, but also that you need support too. I don't think your expectation of getting any support from your Mum, brother or sister is reasonable.
What do you do for work that you can up and move a great distance? Is your husband's job flexible enough to allow him to move?
I agree with the poster who suggested you see a divorce lawyer sooner than later. You need to know what your rights are. If Mum is in a different state what are the divorce laws there? You really need to be protected.
Another thought. You are in distress, do you have any form of a support network where you currently live? What about where Mum lives? Don't think that your siblings will be helping you. Who else is there? Is it the place you grew up?
So. Marriage in difficulties. Four children, age 7, 10, 13, 16. Living 8 hours' travel from mother (father too?) developing dementia, and from siblings with their own challenges.
Um. What support are you expecting from family that would compensate for the immense disruption of moving home right now? What about jobs? What about friendship networks, and established relationships?
I'm sorry you are having such a rotten time of it, and I can certainly understand that a fresh start closer to your family would look tempting, but I don't feel at all sure that you've really thought this through.
For a start, the work involved in providing care for a person with dementia - especially someone who won't address it - places a huge strain even on healthy family relationships and good marriages. If you enter on the project already in trouble? - seriously. Don't.
Tragic story here just a couple of days ago reminds me of how horrific these situations can become. Is there a friend that would allow your son to stay there. He is at a very difficult age to move. He has somewhat of a support system in place with his friends and you are threatening to take that away from him.
Leave mom completely out of the equation, that is not a situation you want to move to. What would you do?
I think you are bundling too many decisions here, without a need to. I used to do that, too. It was a symptom of a very, very deep clinical depression.
I'm going to suggest a framework here.
1. Discuss this whole decision with your therapist. Don't make any irrevocable decisions re: moving in haste.
2. Make an appointment to see a divorce attorney. By yourself. Find out what your rights are. Especially regarding leaving the marital home. Also what you could expect to be awarded in child support and maintenance. Also what legal remedies exist if he tries to make you miserable.
3. Consider scheduling a trip to see your mom to assess the situation. Before you go, read up on agnosnosia, which is a condition in which people r on't realize they are declining cognitively.
4. Find Teepa Snow on YouTube. She has wonderful techniques for dealing with dementia patients.
Good luck! Please let us know how things are going. We care.