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Last few days she is saying she is tired even after she gets up and comes out to the family. She is eating less. She asked a few days in a row am I dying? We asked her how do you feel is there a reason you are asking she says I am just tired. She also said she is afraid to die, this is beyond heart breaking we are at a loss for words and do not understand why she is asking this question. Looking for help.

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It would not hurt to have her doctor check her out. There may be something impacting her medically that could be easily treated (change in meds, anti-anxiety added, supplements if needed, etc.) If she is cleared medically, that might help reassure her.

The only other thing that can be done is to reassure her that all is good and try to redirect her focus onto something else. Try keeping her "occupied" with simple tasks, and ensuring she gets enough physical activity and mental stimulation can also help. Sitting around all the time with nothing to do and no "purpose", the mind can dwell on things like dying. If she can manage little tasks like setting the table, putting clean dishes away, folding the laundry (put it away, muss it up and she can fold them again without knowing it's already been done!) might make her feel more useful.
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Well. There can be medical reasons for a person's suddenly feeling tired and anxious. If you haven't already, it wouldn't hurt to get her checked over by her doctor; but I also wouldn't expect too many helpful answers. It's more a question of finding out what you can about how she's doing.

Once you know whether there has been any kind of heart or brain event that is making her feel like this, then you can focus on helping her to be happier and reassured.

I especially love Grandma54's "probably not today" response :)

It's hard to know which end of the thread to get hold of. The thing is: chemical changes in her brain could make her feel anxious. Because she feels anxious, she needs something to feel anxious about. And dying, and being afraid of death, would be a good, big hook to hang her feelings on. Soothe the anxiety, and you'll lessen the fear.

Or, it could be the other way about. It could be that there has been some event which actually IS leading to the end of life phase. In that case it's more important to reassure her that everything is okay and everything will be okay, and it might be helpful to bring in whatever form of spiritual or pastoral support has meaning for her.

She is a lucky lady to have close family around her. How are you three, are you also looking out for one another?
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Oftentimes an elder may predict their own demise. Try calming her by reciting scripture. I did to my late mom.
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Has she said why she is afraid to die? Knowing the reason can help you know how to help her. Some people haven't finished their bucket list. One of my young (57) friends hung in there until he found out his parents were leaving and he didn't have to worry about them trying to live with his wife. As soon as they said they had to leave town to go to their doctor's appointments, he told us he wanted to go home, and the next day he died. Whatever her reason is, working on solving it can help ease her mind.
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"Cowards die many times before their deaths.
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear,
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come."
William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar."

I am a scientist and not religious, so although I fear pain, the thought that I may die in a few years doesn't bother me, but encourages me to go all the places I want to go and do all the things I want to do as long as I can (I am 81, but healthy thus far). When my husband was dying of stroke 5 years ago, he said he was glad he had married me and got to see the world and learn how to play duplicate bridge! And without him I would never have started running and working out, which I continue to this day. I was there when both my mom (liver cancer) and my husband died, both had been heavily sedated, and did not seem to be in any distress--they just stopped breathing. I hope my own passing is as quiet and uneventful.
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My father-in-law lived with us the last 14 months of his life. In early November 2017 he noticeably slowed down. He moved slower. He ate slower and started eating less. He drank less. (We kept fresh water, coffee and juice at the table next to his chair all day and water next to his bed at night.) We had to start the morning routine (breakfast, meds and getting him dressed) earlier and earlier through December to get out the door to work on time. He stopped eating the afternoon snacks that we left out for him, even his favorites. His caregiver that spent the middle part of the day with him noted these changes too. Although we were already pureeing all of his food, swallowing was getting more difficult for him and we had to add increasing amounts of liquid for him to be able to eat. He became so weak that he could no longer walk. In late December he developed a UTI and had kidney stones and was hospitalized. After resolving the UTI and passing the stones he continued to decline as he would no longer eat. At that point all of the physicians involved in his care felt that hospice care was the next step. After about three weeks in hospice he asked if he was dying. He panicked. He was experiencing abject fear. He told the hospice minister that he could not die because he had not prayed enough.

Now the point of my long ramble... my husband's sister had been sending him copies of a poem/prayer for decades and on the photocopies she would write that if he wanted to be able to go to heaven and be with his wife (who had died years earlier) that he had to repeat that prayer and mean it. We told the hospice minister about this and he was able to talk to my father-in-law about that it didn't take saying specific words or a specific prayer... and was able to give him a great deal of comfort in what turned out to be his final week.

So, in addition to all of the good suggestions already given, whether she actually is approaching death in the near term or not, there may be some nagging issue that your mother wants to resolve.
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My mother’s fear of death keeps her going. She has so many conditions that are wearing her down, but she is afraid of the unknown. She can hardly do anything without getting breathless. She has invasive skin cancer that always needs attention. She has severe heart problems, afib, cardiomyopathy, valve problems. I am the only family she has left. She is 93 yrs old. I am there for her, but it hurts to see her so frail and suffering. Doctors can’t operate and won’t operate. Won’t do chemo for her invasive skin disease, not give her the new biologics that are out now to stop the spread of the disease. They would need to do many tests to pin point the nature of the underlying pathology and then they wouldn’t do anything anyway. She is on basic meds for her heart. It’s all about comfort care for them. I am the one who has to see this everyday. It is difficult. It’s like living on the edge all the time. She won’t let go on her own. She has a pacemaker to prevent her heart from going below 60 beats per minute. She has strong faith, but is afraid to let go. She won’t take anything for depression. It’s like being in limbo every day for us both I think.
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With my Mom, it was a symptom of depression. My response was along the lines of "I don't know, but it's not something we have any control over" followed by "rather than dwell on it, let's try to make the most of the days you have left." I took steps of hiring care-givers for the purpose of getting her up and active, going to activities offered by her Assisted Living facility. It's made a big difference. Her outlook is better, not dark like before.
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Tell her "We are all terminal. From the day we are born".
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Boy I started out with a few responses but deleted them all.....
Is your Mom a religious person? Or had she been in the past?
If so you might ask the priest, rabbi, chaplain or whoever is the church leader is to talk to her. This might help her a bit.
I am sure none of us WANTS to die...I mean gosh there is so much left to do.
We are all afraid of the unknown. Like the first day at a new job, we are afraid but we go and find out everything is alright and we are welcomed and most of the time we meet great people and make friends.
Death is another phase of our life. (boy that sounds odd...)
OK, for one of the questions I started with ...Is your Mom on Hospice? If so the Chaplain could talk to her about this. The Social Worker can help with things that she might want to finish before she dies. and the Chaplain and the Social Worker can help you and the rest of the family answer this question as well as help you all in this time.
If your Mom is not on Hospice you might want to call and see if she is eligible. The amount of help I got from Hospice was AMAZING and I also got reassurance, education, confidence as well as a lot of medical help, supplies and equipment for my Husband.

But a quick answer to your Mom would be ...If you are getting up, walking around and talking to me now, I don't think that you will die today.
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Judysai422 Jan 2019
Love that last statement!
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It really is so difficult to navigate all of this, and my heart goes out to you. You’ve gotten some good suggestions here, and I just have one more. Perhaps a consult with hospice would help you. Hospice in some places is great at not limiting its services to those with a six month prognosis. One of the things I found most helpful when my aunt was dying was the education they gave us regarding the process of dying. They can help you know what is and is not part of that process. And hospice workers are so compassionate, they can probably help you with suggestions for how to respond to the question. As dementia has set in and progressed with my mother I am finding the best thing for me to do is help her find comfort in the moment. Sometimes that means a “therapeutic fib,” sometimes it means an explanation in simple terms she can understand, and sometimes it just means reassuring her (we’ll always be there for her, letting go is ok if she wants to, etc.). Last, please try your best to take care of you too. Having someone to listen and support you, who is not sharing your struggle, is key to maintaining your own strength as you go through this. Bless you.
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Perhaps just tell her "No, of course not, Mom...." perhaps that will put her mind at ease. When my father was dying, he kept reaching for the ceiling, picking at his clothes, turning towards the wall--placing his hands against it, climbing "up", and getting up to walk quickly towards the door as if someone was standing there....he stopped eating, and he refused to get out of bed....saying "oh Screw it".
Those were the signs that was 3 weeks before his death.
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I apolagize if this has been an answer already, but lack of food and sleep could be anything. Could depression be one of them? Maybe meds to help with that? Hopefully that will help her get back a little more pep, less sleeping and more eating and mostly less stress.
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"Mom, We are all going to die someday. Me too."
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As difficult as it is for some to think of dying, often the elderly are ready to die and will say so. If you feel comfortable I would explore with your mom why she is afraid to die. Is she a spiritual person or believe in a particular religion where there’s a relationship with God? If so, can you talk to her pastor, rabbi, etc and have them come visit her. I think finding her reason and letting her feel reassurance is important. When my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor she asked the neurosurgeon if it was terminal and his flippant reply is "life is terminal"...so much for compassion and a bedside manor. I could have kicked him in the groin.
Heres a book I recently downloaded but admit I haven’t read but it is highly recommended. Called The Grace in Dying: A Message of Hope, Comfort and Spiritual Transformation. By Kathleen Singh.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not easy to face death, even if it is as inevitable. I’ve been fielding that question from my husband for the last 4 years. Every time I hear it, I still have the same sinking gut reaction.

I often respond the same as Rocketjcat, by taking his BP and using the normalcy of that to work through the moment. I’ve also learned that disruptions in the heart rate (A-fib) and the other automatic systems can make someone feel as through they are dying.

Tiredness is a persistent symptom that brings on that question. I wonder if tiredness is meant to help the person prepare for crossing into the next realm - life gets too burdensome and exhausting to continue. Tiredness is tricky because it causes the person to be less active, which causes muscle loss, which causes more tiredness.

Be an advocate for your LO, and see if there is an “easy fix,” like a vitamin deficiency. An if that’s not it, just try to be there with her so she doesn’t feel like she’s going through this alone.

How you respond will depend a lot on your particular situation. My LO is a doctor and knows very well the signs and symptoms of death. But, he does not want to be told that he’s dying. So, I reassure him that he has many more years or tell him that he has to stick around until the next big family event. He knows. But your LO may not know and she may be trying to come to terms with what she is experiencing, even if she isn’t actually close to the end. If that’s the case, be gentle and honest. Nobody knows exactly when they will go. Help her sort through things and find closure.
*hugs*
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We are giving her B12 Vitamin D Boost, she doesn't drink as much water as she should as we do have it right in front of her, she like tea and root beer. Thank you for your help
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Zdarov Jan 2019
Water is a constant battle, you guys!! What the hell is that? I said to my mom last week, What - do you think I work for the water council or something, trying to push our goods?! She’s afraid of the urgency with tinkling. The more consistently they have water the less the urgency should be. I got mom pretty glasses in her favorite color, different from all the rest, in which only water goes. I wash and refill them every time I’m around, put them in various locations and hand one to her periodically when I’m there, saying nothing but, Here have some.
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The 5 Realities -
*Age
*Sickness
*Death
*Change
*Own your on actions

We're all gonna have to accept the 5 realities and some of us get to live a lot longer than others.
For example, one of my dearest friends lost a 2 month old baby.
My 81 year old mom has lived a long, interesting life until massive stroke June 2018. She's partially paralyzed and can't eat, talk, or walk. So yes, Mom you're about to die - we all are.
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Karlie Jan 2019
Sorry to hear of your friend and Mom. I know we are all going to die, it's a question of am I dieing. I think there is a difference between questions. We all deal different with the challenges we face in life,
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My mom twice thought she was dying. Once was emotional right after my dad died and the other turned out to be an ulcer that hospitalized her for a week. Since it's been a while since your dad died, probably there is a physical cause. What 97yroldmom suggests is good.
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Karlie, so sorry you’re going through this...my Mom has also asked that question a couple of times and it did kind of take my breath away. Mom also is tired all the time. The suggestions regarding tiredness already given are excellent. I would just add one...is she sleeping good at night? If she’s sleeping poorly, perhaps needs to get up for the bathroom often, or just waking up often like my Mom does, it could be contributing to her tiredness during the day.

When my Mom shocked me with that question, I deflected a little, knowing she’s not dying. “Mom you’re healthier than I am” (she probably is) and I got out the BP cuff. “See your BP and pulse are fine”. (They are) That’s all it takes for her to forget about it.

I dont dismiss her feelings of tiredness, however, and tell her all the things we are working on to help her with that, like her meds, good nighttime sleep, B12 etc.
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Karlie
there are many things that can cause your mom to be tired.
If you have a bp cuff, check her bp. Check her pulse. It should be over 60.
Has she seen her doctor since this started? Even an urgent care visit can help. Also have them do a test for a UTI.
Like Freq Flyer said, if she has new meds they could be affecting her. Or she may need new meds or current meds adjusted. How long has this been going on?
Weigh her and start a log so you can tell if she is losing weight. Get her some Ensure or make her a smoothie so she can get some nourishment but don’t push it too hard. Make sure she is drinking water. She may be dehydrated. Is she peeing? Have her bowels moved? Is she on thyroid medication? Is she diabetic?
What medications does she take? As her dementia progresses there will be changes. It could be that or it could be one of the things mentioned. Those are just the ones you can easily check yourself to see what’s going on.
Im sorry about the death of your father. Yours sounds like a loving family. I hope you can get her feeling better soon. Be sure to let us know how she is doing.
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Karlie Jan 2019
Thank you, very nice response very helpful. Will up date you.
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Karlie, have Mom's primary doctor check to see if her B12 is low, as that can make one very tired. I know I need to take supplements to keep it normal.

Also, any changes in medicine? Like, doctor's prescribing for the first time blood pressure pills, or upping your Mom's previous dosage. That can make one drag.

Not usual for your Mom to eat less, if she is sleeping more. She's not needing the calories to keep her on the go. Maybe the sleep is related to the grey missing sun weather. I know that can cause me to nap in the afternoons, right after lunch.
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