My mom is 91 now. She still lives by herself because she wants her independence. Unfortunately she’s not able to do anything for herself and I have become a full-time caregiver for her now. She won’t allow an Aid to come in to help her to do any type of cleaning and cooking, etc. It has become my job it all falls on my shoulders. Unfortunately I have major health issues I am due for my spinal surgery next month. She doesn’t realize the severity of my health issues and won’t understand that if I do get the surgery I will be in a rehab in recovery for at least two months and I won’t be able to do anything for her and she still won’t look into getting help I believe she has early dementia and is hard of hearing .She doesn’t remember anything. I tell her and unfortunately, I tend to lose my temper with her, which I know is not a good thing for people with that disease. The biggest problem is that it’s just becoming too much for me at times and I have developed caregiver stress because of all this. She has to use walker and can’t hear anything. My brother who lives in another state is no help at all. My Mother is suffering with depression, and will not admit to herself that she needs to get help and I don’t know where else to turn, I have spoken with her doctor, and he is not that helpful, he put her on an anti-depressant, which I thought was helping, but she decided on her own without telling me or her doctor that she stopped taking it because she felt it wasn’t doing anything. I would appreciate any feedback or help you feel might resolve this situation to make it better for both of us. Thanks again.
In effect, you have made yourself TOO available and too essential and too useful for her.
The issue with medication alone is a red flag that she unquestionably needs more support and “supervision” with daily activities and personal responsibilities, and soon, whether either of you like it or not, you won’t be safely able to provide what she expects from you.
When safety and health become concerns, the LO NEEDS to accept “help”. She’s at that point.
When you decide to bring in an aide she may fuss, complain, yell, cry, refuse.
And you may need to say “Mom, I love you and admire your spunk, but you need someone to be here while I recuperate from my surgery whether you like it or not. Shiela will be coming in for 2 (or whatever time interval YOU CHOOSE) Hours NO every day to do the things that you need.
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE MOM. You have to do this so that I can recover safely myself”.
Then, although your heart will be breaking and she will be relentless, YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS. It will be harder on you than it will be for her, but remember, YOU have to do what’s BEST for her before worry g about what she’ll accept or what will make her “happy”.
I noticed with my own parents, also in their 90's, that my Mom didn't view me as a senior citizen but someone who had the energy of a 20 - 40 years old. That ship had passed. I had helped too much thus trying to draw boundaries was difficult.
It is suggested that you practice saying "I can't possibly do that" over and over until it feels comfortable. Hopefully your Mom will hear you when you say that.
My Mom also refused strangers in the house, even though my Dad was all for it. We tried but Mom shooed the caregivers out on the 3rd day. Mom was not a happy camper.
One thing I did notice, that my Mom didn't ask for help when I had broken my arm [I don't recommend doing this], but just the visual of me wearing a sling got her attention. Even after my break was healed and physical therapy, I kept wearing the sling for a couple of more months.
Many of us here on the forum had to wait for our love one to have a fall or illness that required being in the hospital.... then into rehab.... then into senior living.
Are you with her every day?
You canNOT recover from your surgery, wondering what is happening with your mother. I am assuming she's still legally mentally competent? Are you POA/HCPOA?
What do you think your brother could do? Have you told him of your dilemma? What does he think will happen when you are in rehab for 2 months? Does he think it will only be your problem?
So the simple answer is to quit doing everything and she will learn quickly that she needs to either hire some full-time help(with her money of course)or move into an assisted living facility.
Your mom is under the false illusion that she can still live in her home and take care of herself, and sadly you are allowing her to continue to believe that as you do everything for her.
You having your back surgery will be a HUGE eye opener for her. Tell her she best get her ducks in a row now or you will be reporting her to APS as a vulnerable adult unable to care for herself.
Please take care of yourself. You DO NOT need this added stress when you have health issues yourself. You matter too. Don't forget that.
Hoping all goes well with your back surgery.
Otherwise, she will expect you to be there at all times.
You are extremely kind to help your mom. Of course, she needs help. When you refuse to help, she will have no other option but to accept help from others.
Go ahead and schedule a person to come in to help. She may not object to having them there. Try it! Stick around for the first visit and see how she reacts to the new situation.
My husband’s paternal grandfather would fire his help daily. My FIL instructed her to continue working and ignore being fired. Eventually, he accepted additional help.
Please know that you are equally as important as your mom is. Don’t neglect your own health.