I’m 72 and had to quit my part time nursing job. I feel guilty as a nurse and a daughter that I feel this way. My sis, who is 66, is also a nurse and doesn’t understand why I feel this way. Mama is in her home, peeing in her diaper and surrounding areas. She’s waited on hand and foot. She wants to save her peed on towels and use them again. Our relationship is ruined. Will I rot in hell? She owns some land and wouldn’t deed it to us 5 years ago. What can I do with her?
What would be your PROFESSIONAL advice to the daughter.
Remember you are standing in front of a Burned out caregiver that is reaching the end of her rope and is getting minimal help from family.
Would you say "Suck it up buttercup this is what you have to do for the rest of your life, or moms' life which ever comes first."
OR
Would you say "Frazzled, I know just what you are going through and I think that it might be time to look for a place for your mom so that she gets the 247 care that she needs and you get to be her daughter again. It is not giving up it is realizing that her care is more than 1 person can manage at home."
Would you as a PROFESSIONAL suggest the possibility of Hospice so that if Frazzled's mom says at home she would get some help with a Nurse coming in each week and a CNA coming in a few times a week to give mom a bath or shower. And Frazzle would get all the equipment and supplies she needs to make caring for mom a bit easier.
I have thought about the many years that I cared for my Husband at home. And I said I had an easy time of it because he was compliant and easy going. But I know I probably could not do it now. (I like to think I could) but I am 10 - 15 years older now and while there are some days I could manage I do not think I could do it. (And it pains me to say that)
Mom should have made plans for her future that didn't include requiring her daughters to put up with her demented behavior. She didn't. Now it is up to you to proceed with legalities (hire a lawyer), investigate putting mom in care (start looking at places), consult hospice (easy), and discuss with a real estate broker who can explain how to sell mom's property, which will finance the care mom needs now. You take the lead. Sis doesn't have to agree with any of it at this point.
Do not wait. This is dire, and I wish you luck (i.e. that you get her placed before she starts slinging her excrement against the walls, which is often the next step after peeing all over the place. I do not mince words and I am not making this up.)
(Signed) Family Caregiver X 4
First, you should see your primary care doctor to discuss the fact that you are stressed and a 24/7 care giver. Detail your day and ask for a mild anti depressant. The meds do not have to be long term just to get you over this challenge.
Now is the time to put your business only mindset into effect. Focus on the fact that your mother needs extra help and you need to focus on being a loving daughter (not solely caregiver). Unfortunately caregiving is a grueling and thankless job. It isn't a daughters duty to provide 100% caregiving to remain a loving family member. Hiring a helper or if no other option is feasible placing her in a long term care facility is necessary to get back to you stable self.
You deserve to have less stress during this challenging time where your mother is in her last stage of life. Please do not feel obligated to solely feel you need to be the 24/7 caregiver. It isn't feasible for your own health.
Is her living will, POA and MOLST set up? Who is able to make the decisions for her when she obviously is not able to make them on her own. If this is not set up, then you talk with an eldercare attorney to set up future healthcare and financial opportunities that will help you mother. Also, talk to her PC for hospice is she isn't already receiving that care.
Wishing you luck and peace.
My daughter is an RN and has already told me she will not be physically caring for me. She says she has been caring for people in NHs and that is enough.
Hopefully your Mom has a Will where she indicates that the land will go 50/50 to you and your sister. Thus, for income tax basis (I know it's complicated) would be from the day you inherited that land. Thus, far less to pay income tax. Have the land appraised upon receiving it, keep that paperwork until you sell the land.
This is not sustainable over time.
You say your sister is doing the care, and doesn't feel that it is over for her, so while she wants to do this, you should allow it. But if you are at breaking there is no shame in saying so.
I was a nurse as well.
You then know that you didn't cause this dreadful aging dilemma with it continuous torment and loss, and you cannot fix it. To not recognize your own human limitations is not good; if that continues you need a good counselor and I don't mean that ridiculous online stuff. Seek help for what you already recognize is skewed thinking.
Tell Sis your feelings. You can admit that you wish you could understand how this isn't doing to HER what it is doing to YOU, but that honestly isn't unusual. We are all different.
I have told you I am a retired nurse and I will tell you this. It taught me my limitations. I could never have done this hands on for someone I loved. I could never bear the crucible of standing direct witness to this kind of pain and humiliation 24/7. Not for a second and I never would have participated or tried.
You are not feeling GUILT. You didn't cause it; you can't fix it. And guilt REQUIRES causation and an unwillingness to fix.
You are feeling GRIEF. Profound grief for what you are witnessing as the end of life of someone who was once a human being upon whom your very life depended, but who now is reduced to saving her own urine. IS THAT NOT WORTH GRIEVING?
You are grieving your own limitations and the realization that you are neither god-like omnipotent nor a Saint (the job description sucks, anyway for that one). Is THAT not worth grieving.
I am so sorry. I am so sorry. And when she is gone I hope you go out and look at the night sky and thanks all powers that be that she is at peace, and that you never have again to stand witness to this torment no one deserves.
At 98 she may even qualify for hospice which I believe is covered through her Medicare.
If your Mom doesn't have a PoA assigned then you will need to talk to an elder law attorney about pursuing guardianship for your Mom through the courts. If you don't do this then a judge will assign her a 3rd party guardian and you and your sister will be locked out of her accounts. The guardian will make all the decisions and manage all her affairs. Personally, my family had a good relationship with my SFIL's guardian. It was a solution that worked for us.
Please provide more information so we can give you the most appropriate guidance.
When you had a job it wasn’t 24/7.
This is not sustainable at home . Uncontrolled incontinence at home is often the end of in home care .