My mom is in hospice, in her last days. She has dementia and has been in kidney failure for years. I have been taking care of her and my dad for years, also my aunt who had cancer. Even though I tried to do my best I still feel like if I just had something differently this would not be happening even though my mom is 90 years old. I did what I wanted to do I kept them out of nursing homes I was willing to sell my house to do that they both were in a wonderful board and care home with only five other people with loving care givers. I came almost every day to visit, but there's still this guilt. Maybe I should have done something else? Right now, I am watching my mom die. It's so hard but I believe that her family is waiting there to greet her. That gives me some comfort that she won't be alone. Thank you all on here that have given me good advice during this very hard time.
I made certain decisions of which care facilities and one was not good and did not keep him hydrated properly as an example
This was five years ago and someone I think on this forum asked me this: Doctors and scientists have been searching for cures for Alzheimers for decades. Who are you to think YOU could have done anything differently to change the outcome?
Maybe something different could have changed things a a few days (he died a half hour before the end of a month so missed out on a whole months of SS which annoyed me at the time but doesnt seem like a big deal now)
But there is nothing I could have done, nor in your case what you could have done to change the outcome.
I learned this is a normal part of grief, feeling some guilt, and while you may feel it for a while, you have to keep TELLING yourself there is nothing you should feel guilty about.
I still felt like I should have done this or that, but then it revolved around quality of life and could I have made it better?
Here's what I know, I was closer to her in those days than at any other time. I couldn't have cared for her and neither could my father have done so, it was beyond us. And, what we did was the best we could do.
I may have regrets but I also don't have any regrets.
When my father got covid in a rehab facility in 2020 I was really surprised that the ER doctor took the time to ask me what I wanted out of all of this. I told him that I wanted my father to have a good quality of life and if that was not possible, please don't prolong things for the sake of keeping him alive. Just make him comfortable. I did not want to see him bedridden for several months just to prolong a miserable existence.
90 is a long life.
The only thing that you could have done to not feel "guilty" or feel differently is..not be born. And you had nothing to say about that.
In all seriousness if you could go back in time what would you have done differently?
Watching anyone die is difficult. Watching a parent, child or a spouse die is even more difficult.
Your mom has dementia and kidney failure, your mom is 90 years old. Would she want to continue to live her life this way? There is a difference between "living" and "existing" and there is a difference between Quality of life and Quantity of life.
Be grateful that you have a mom that was/is a good mom. I read so many here that their moms were abusive and it breaks my heart.
Thank your mom, thank her for what she has taught you. She will be with you forever. She will be with you in your heart and mind. (my Mom died 58 years ago and I still hear her voice in my head!)
If you wish talk to the Hospice Chaplain. I am sure that he/she has heard it all before.
Deep breaths today. There are many mysteries and unknowns in life but whether you cared for your mom is not one of them. You chose to see her through these her last days and it was your gift to her and to yourself.
Yes, I believe whenever we find ourselves managing anyone’s care, we are constantly searching for what else we can do, what tasks were forgotten. That might take awhile for your mind to settle as you anticipate moms departure.
Breath in. Let her know you are with her. Let her feel your presence. That will be enough. Be gentle with yourself. We all die regardless of the best meds or doctors or good intentions.
Finally we all put the struggle away.
It is very ambitious of us to think we can cheat death regardless of what one more thing we might have offered. It comes for us all at some point.
We are with you Vickie as you say goodbye to your mom. Big hugs.
I imagine full of joyous times but also illness. This is how we humans are. She has a caring & loving family. In time I hope you can re-phase in your own way & connect with the good memories. I don't wish to minimise the heavy weight of grief now, just acknowledge lighter times are ahead.